• The Finical Filmgoer •
Fa la la la-la, La-la, La-la! A gentleman's holiday ruminations on vampires and The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
M. Chariot's housekeeper Victoria (pictured above) is something of the bully - I tend to become a bit fidgety around her. When she arrived yesterday and began savagely cleaning my cloistral, bachelor chambres, I had to find something to do, as one can become quite agitated about the handling and safety of one's porcelain figurine collection. Clutching a flimsy paraplouie and braving torrential rains, I left Victoria to her machinations and bundled my tiny, velveteen form onto the #217, which gasped and heaved me along to the cinema at The Grove, where I found myself purchasing a moist, solitary ticket for The Twilight Saga: New Moon.
M. Chariot has the brutality of the hired help to thank for many of his more unexpected forays into public life! And yet I must confess I've endured a dark, lifelong hunger for all things Vampire, which is why I found myself lined up with other warm-blooded creatures to see the original Twilight when it premiered. At the time, True Blood was enjoying some popularity on HBO, but I found True Blood disappointing, preferring my night creatures to be impossibly elegant, sophisticated, worldly!
All that being said by way of exhausting prologue, I was very receptive to the sequel. And yet I found New Moon utterly excruciating to watch. The goings-on are snail-slow, with much emphasis on Bella Swan's swoony, melodramatic teenage anguish - a writhing wallow in endless, helpless, clueless adolescent obsession.
As for the male characters, Bella's two suitors, Edward Cullen and Jacob Black can be described as tortured, obscure, inarticulate, depressing and dangerously violent; even deadly. Much is made of male beauty, which for some reviewers comprises a homoerotic subtext. But I see the amplification of this concern as a reflection of the febrile yearning of teenage girls, many of whom place a high premium on the physical appearance for lack of experience with any other, say, more enduring attributes.
The Twilight story painstakingly indulges all the weepy, sodden travails of girlhood, and thus I predict the series will enjoy blazing popularity for quite some time. But being something of the adult, watching it felt like listening to my teen niece's romantic woes, and not being able to interrupt with any clarifying, edifying, resolute adult recommendations.
Trust me, loyal reader: if you're over the age of 30, you won't relish much more than the tiniest sip of this lovesick slop! Arriving back at my Old Hollywood apartments later that evening dripping wet, I inspected my precious porcelain figurine collection for any damage left by the long-gone Victoria. Everything seemed to be intact. And so I settled in once more, bloody content with deathless solitude.
Finical Filmgoer Reviews:
Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (2006)
The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
Antonioni's L'Avventura (1960)
The Golden Bowl (2000)
Last Year at Marienbad (1961)
Far from the Madding Crowd (1967)
Goodbye Again (1961)
Antichrist (2009)
The Big Lebowski (1998)
Smash His Camera (2010)
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scottcvoss
the_beheld
Authenticity
Foolish Monkey
Procopius
Susie Lindau
Salon.com
Comments
We share a life long fascination for all things Vampyre. The Twilight Saga is my daughter’s obsession of late. She could fare worse. But I do try - very hard - to remind her that vampyres are not tame creatures and that therein lies the intrigue.
Of late there have been many alterations in the mythic lore surrounding the un-dead. “Underworld” (the first film only) was a valiant attempt at breathtaking lighting, cinematography, and unique story lines. But the darkness and genuine eeriness effected by the Count and his brides with the accompanying wonderful insanity of a Renfield is sadly lacking in the modern offerings.
I am grateful to see you posting. You are a treasure here.
Rated and appreciated very much.
BTW, I love your poetic phrase: "you won't relish much more than the tiniest sip of this lovesick slop"!
Bravo.
Wonderful to have you back again. You MUST write more!
So tell us dear one; Milk Duds, Juju Bees(sp?) or popcorn??
Nice to see you around. You do add a certain touch to the holiday festiveness.
elinor
As for the male characters, Bella's two suitors, Edward Cullen and Jacob Black can be described as tortured, obscure, inarticulate, depressing and dangerously violent; even deadly. Much is made of male beauty, which for some reviewers comprises a homoerotic subtext. But I see the amplification of this concern as a reflection of the febrile yearning of teenage girls, many of whom place a high premium on the physical appearance for lack of experience with any other, say, more enduring attributes.
Mon Cher Monsieur Chariot, merci mille fois for saving me the price of a movie ticket at the same time that you amuse and entertain me. I suspected as much about New Moon without putting a toe into the theater and after reading the first book in the saga.
And I only wish I had run into you on the way to the theatre, so that we could have shared an umbrella, and I'd have made sure your ticket was neither moist nor solitary.
I fear we have become more primitive over the decades, no longer content to enjoy the thrill of the slow build up, all those excruciating moments when nothing actual happens... not yet not yet, Oh I can't stand it, when will it happen? We need a constant blood rush of stimulation, more blood, more gore, more viciousness. Well, we don't, but too many of our fellow citizens do. They just don't understand what they are missing, do they?
primordial romantic soup is all they serve at the homeless shelters.
True Blood on the other hand, has a great song! Who could turn down an offer like "I want to do bad things with you"
Some of these inner journeys and outward awkward experiences, no matter how then-apparently-urgent-and-perhaps-profound, but ultimately pointless in the greater scheme of things, must be taken alone, and interpreted in the relative vacuum of solitary reflection.
Perhaps it is by the notorious duality of sex and violence that the vamp movies and other bloodthirsty topics try to grapple with the seething inner conflicts that define the walking contradictions which are human teens and young adults.
For my part as I recall that period, I have little desire to re-live it, any more than I would hit my thumb with a hammer twice in a row.
With the possible exception of times where I could have been more direct, perhaps honest and shown integrity, with those for whom I felt strongly. So far I have been relatively fortunate in my attempts to find those people and try to make amends, where that is possible, and to try to tell them in accurate words, what I lacked the focus to express clearly, back in the day.
I am aghast I had not come across your writing any sooner. Just superb. I am sorry to say I live in Twilight La La Land, as I am a teacher of teenagers. (I read the four books, they fare no better than the movies). Excruciating to watch and read, indeed. I long for intelligent vampire stories that are true to the archetype.
I take it Victoria does not work for Merry Maids?
Though our opinions differ on the low-class fanged bumpkins of True Blood, I find myself nonetheless compelled to rate your beautifully written post of New Moon. I myself have considerable distaste for the Twilight saga - the first film caused a curious desire to blind myself and fill my ear canals with caulk. Your observations are correct, however.
I would ask you to consider the peripheral characters of True Blood as being unique, wonderful, and really the reasons to keep watching. The caustic, direct Tara; the tortured Sam Merlotte; the witty, ghettoruralfabulous Lafayette. And though I may be alone in this, I consider the scandalous and ultralouche Maenad Maryann Forrester to be one of the most memorable horror villains of recent times.