As you may perhaps be only peripherally aware, M. Chariot is renowned as a gentleman of some savoir-faire in social settings where ladies are present. It has occurred to me that gents aspiring to sang-froid, to gentlemanly poise, might benefit from my chimerical and passionate adventures in the world's most exquisite salons.
Thusly, I submit 10 Things A Gentleman Must Never Do,
for the edification of the novice who wishes to make
the sublime impression.
Never allow one's top hat to become dented or soiled - one must diligently maintain it in pristine condition. The gentleman never knows when he will be seeking entrance to a new social circle; as such, it is important to appear as elegantly turned out as possible.
'Rrround the clock!
Never presuppose that one's fancy silk waistcoat, tailcoat, frock coat or striped trousers are beyond reproach; lo, they should be routinely evaluated against the very pinnacle of contemporary fashion. Out-of-date styles are anathema to the ladies!
Never forget to use a removable bib-front on formal shirts!
In a social emergency, the removable bib-front may be reversed to hide stains incurred by an ill-considered enthusiasm for the veal. 
Never imagine that items such as leather braces, the pocket watch, the fob or the cravat are needlessly extravagant: lavish accessories are key to the stylish gentleman's wardrobe. Some etiquette books indicate that it is unseemly to allow a man's skin to touch a woman, making gloves an absolute necessity.
When surreptitiously evaluating a lady's décolletage, never drop your monocle! Considered by some the more unbecoming misstep, never drop your monocle directly into the lady's décolletage. I cannot emphasize this more strenuously.
If a gentleman drops his monocle into a lady's décolletage, never attempt to fish it out by tugging briskly at its gold chain. This may seem like a good idea in the heat of the embarrassment, but it will not go unnoticed if snagged on a bit of lace, I can assure you.
Never kneel down before a nude lady to pick up her lace dress, if it has been accidentally torn from her person by a misguided attempt to retrieve one's snagged monocle.
Never spring or leap in an effort to reclaim one's top hat from a chandelier if it has been kicked there by a nude lady.
In mixed company, this action will be considered
most indelicate, an impropriety.
Never grasp and yank one's top hat from a chandelier,
which may have the undesirable effect of bringing the entire chandelier down - an undignified faux pas from which one
will never recover socially.
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
scottcvoss
the_beheld
Authenticity
Foolish Monkey
Procopius
Susie Lindau
Salon.com
Comments
(I love a man in a top hat!)
My dearest Mlle Persephone ~ And M. Chariot loves a lady in a dramatic bustier!
My dear Mlle Remedy ~ I thank you for your lovely sentiment.
My dear Mme Stellaa ~ The saggy is the bane of M. Chariot's sartorial existence.
My dear Mme Kern ~ M. Chariot is researching this issue with a most scientific rigor and will report back.
My dear M. Bluf ~ That's the spirit my good man!
My dear M. St. Amant ~ Mercí my good man!
My dear Mlle Smithie ~ Would that you could see M. Chariot's devilish smile! It would take your breath away, my dear!
My dear M. Gallant ~ Sign up for my class in gentlemanly deportment immediately.
Your winsome wit and wisdom are admired and deeply appreciated. In addition to being the resident Gentleman of the OS community you are a sterling example of civility and clarity in both your posts and comments.
Rated and appreciated as always.
Which is what I feel like doing after reading this.
My dear M. Procopius ~ Oh dear dear dear! M. Chariot's list is remiss on that point about mustache-waxing.
(monocles are a tricky bit of work aren't they?)
Grandly saluted and suitably expressed with extended pollex.
My dear M. Youdin ~ The gentleman knows!
My dear Mlle Shiral ~ A most demure young lady indeed!
My dear Mlle Warrren ~ Enchanting, ma cherie! Enchanting!
My dear Mlle Juli ~ À toi, pour toujours!
My dear M. Mac ~ M. Chariot recommends keeping one's nuts in a small crystal bowl on the etagere, a perfectly accessible location for the nibbling lady.
My dear Mlle Flores ~ Tendres baisers!
My dear M. Gaston ~ Indeed, true gentlemen recognize each other at a glance!
And try as I might, I can not decipher your tag, ‘tt’. …?
We have been wearied by flame wars, politics, and the proper treatment of trolls...
Your list is a much needed reminder of higher-minded priorities.
My dear M. Tarheel ~ The perfect occasion for the top hat and the monocle is "now".
My dear Mlle Warren ~ M. Chariot is pleased to receive the gift of the lady's delicate smile!
My dear Mlles Lulu & Phoebe ~ What ever were you doing in that location? Flirting with gentlemen, I presume!
My dear M. Decker ~ Any relation between the above-mentioned rules and M. Chariot's personal experience are purely coincidental! "tt" references Salon's Table Talk, which allows members to recognize each other here on OS!
My dear Mlle Song ~ Mercí ma cherie!
My dear Mlle Merwoman ~ A deep bow to the elegant lady!
My dear M. Designanatoire ~ M. Chariot recommends a boar bristle brush for removing crystal shards from the gentleman's frock coat!
My dear Madame M ~ Multi-leisurists like ourselves must understand the priorities, ma cherie!
My dear M. Smithery ~ With regard to securing one's monocle, a thin coat of mustache wax will do in a pinch!
as for myself:
11: One keeps one's coat in pristine condition free of lumpy snarls and stray loose hair. No lady appreciates a pilose lap after a vigorous cuddle.
12: Always, always spend the extra time rearranging the litter box after employing it's clumpy goodness. Remember there is usually someone waiting.
hee
WOOF
I do sense there is more to the story with regards to points 5-9.
Perhaps a tale for another time?
I DO thank you for educating the ragged masses on the finer points of male grooming.... seemingly something that many men have yet to learn.
My dear Mlle Roulette ~ A prudent lady is a thing of wonder!
My dear M. Croceum ~ The gentleman's best friend indeed!
My dear Mme Mother ~ The irate lady can be so very bracing in the salon! Mercí!
My dear Mme Emrich ~ Any similarities between the above-listed recommendations and my own escapades are merely bemused conjecture! Je t'aime de tout mon cœur!
My dear Mlle Sueinaz ~ The day is won only by the most exemplary handling of the monocle!
My dear Mlle Sneed ~ Ooo-la-la-la-la-la!
My dear Mlle Little ~ It appears that the mademoiselle knows not a little about the torn frock!
My dear M. Sheepdog ~ I have heard that Saville Row is now monogramming it's Garanimals Line! Mervellieux, no?
My dear Mlle Troll ~ Ah, but the tiny lady has mysterious charms which have nothing whatsoever to do with the bosom, does she not?
My dear Mlle Chick ~ Exquisite grooming is M. Chariot's greatest asset indeed!
My dear M. Homeless ~ The top hat is the perfect complement to any romantic assignation!
My dear M. Snap ~ The removable bib-front is the gentleman's key accessory for the BBQ!
My dear M. Cordle ~ I do say, you're coming quite along, my dear Scudder!
My dear M. Kalvin ~ Truly elegant gentlemen such as ourselves are quite aware of the cost, are we not? More champagne, garçon!
My dear Mlle Hybaean ~ M. Chariot never underestimates une dame dangereuse!
My dear M. Banion ~ The subtleties of grinding les diamants makes for the masterful conversation when presenting a lady with an expensive bracelet!
It would seem the key to preventing one's monocle from dropping in any case whatsoever, a certain air of nonchalance is required. Thus, while I may well be truly astonished by something beautiful, I must needs restrain my face from showing aught but the slightest of smiles -- certainly no raising of the brows and wide opening of the eyes!
And yet, how to convey to the owner of such beautiful assets our appreciation? I, a non-youth late of provinces but now literally at the capital, well, I am at a loss.
Bon chance, mon frere.
Perhaps, in cheery company the Monocle Drop may be turned into a game. The feigned fumble, then retrieval of the item is decided by drawing lots......all done in polite company. this could save the terrible wardrobe blunders that inevitably occur between two people.......
Normalment, bien sur.
My dear Mme Kelly ~ Indulgence from the fine lady leaves the gentleman resplendent with pleasure!
My dear M. Justis ~ The artiste always has the little finger on the pulse! 'The Monocle Drop' is the new dance craze currently electrifying the most recherché social circles.
My dear M. Parrotdead ~ A glass eye is considered by some to be among the gentleman's most deadly arsenal of seduction! I do, however, agree that it should not be dropped into the décolletage - without fair warning.
My dear Mlle Marie ~ And the gentleman is captivated by the appreciative lady!
My dear Mlle Freeborn ~ Garçon! Bring the smelling-salts to my table at once!
I cannot thank you enough for stating the proper etiquette in this regard, as I have endured such misguided attempts rather frequently in the past. It should be noted that when a man tears off a lady's lace dress in an attempt to retrieve one's monocle, the man should always offer the lady his silken cape or cloak so she may cover herself and retrieve her own lace dress. Regarding the wearing of a silken cape or cloak, please see number 2.
Merci M. Chariot,
RenaissanceLady
So if it is not too much trouble, might I inquire as to the proper moment, when making the acquaintance of new Francophones, that one is allowed to utilize "tu" rather than "vous"? Surely the French gentleman was mistaken in his assertion that physical relations are first required. I fear my lack of experience in such worldly matters has, in this instance, put me at a disadvantage, and your kind advice in this matter is solicitously requested, my dear sir.
(Of course, I jest.)
I find you both dashing AND refreshing.
My dear Mme Priddy ~ Mercí ma cherie! And speaking of refreshments, a toast: À l'art et à l'amour!
Sir,
I, a humble, furry wood-land creature with mystical powers, have two questions.
1. May I use my teeth or tongue to pull my monocle out of a lady's decolletage?
2. Concerning imperatives 8 & 9, does it apply to all types of chandeliers: electric, candle, or gas?
Please reply as soon as possible. I have an important affair to attend, and I'm running late.
My dear Mlle Xero ~ The lady can be described thusly: a lovely creature who has learned to sing, play piano or guitar, dance and be conversant about literature. She can also speak some French, can take tea wearing lavish gowns and knows the rules of etiquette as well as the art of conversation, etc etc!
My dear Mme Michaels ~ The lady has a point: the best seduction proceeds via the most languorous increments - it is never rushed!
My dear Little Creature Trudge ~ 1. M. Chariot will allow that the teeth and the tongue are suitable to certain gentlemanly endeavors, although monocle-retrieving may not be one of them.
2. In the woodlands, the moon serves as the gentleman's chandelier!
My dear Mlle Pamela ~ I may have recovered the monocle with some aplomb, but the black eye took a little over 2 weeks to resolve.
My dear Mlle Mitchell ~ Have you ever considered a decolette which plunges a tad less dramatically?
My dear Mlle Berg ~ It does this gentleman good to elicit the lady's laughter - even if, on occasion, it disrupts the kennel.
You never fail to both inform and amuse, a neat trick for which few in my experience have your facility.
Salut!
I'm sure that the ladies of the past knew that the gentlemen were looking, and that act of looking while you aren't looking like you are looking was probably more erotic and more of a turn on than today's wolfish behaviour...
And we consider ourselves 'civilized' in this day and age of the future...
Funny... Watch that lace...
My dear Mlle Moana ~ Pip-pip, cherie!
My dear M. Gonzoid ~ A toast to the return of a bit of civility! Down the hatch, my good man!
My dear Monsieur K ~ As you may well know, the rakish accessory (such as, for instance, an eye-patch) can divert attention from the occasional social misstep! That being said, a cockatiel on the shoulder tends to have something of the reverse effect. Take note!
Bonne Saint Valentin, indeed!
Sending you a demure Valentine complete with doily (the one I helped Rigby make for Karen is on my blog).
Marie
This is not at all surprising, considering the quality and good humor of this post... and the fact that we have all missed you.
Happy Lincoln's Birthday!
My dear Mlle Dickens ~ A lady in a monocle is considered the dernier cri! However, you must reign in that fumbling, cherie! Grrrace!
My dear Mlle KTM ~ Afternoon tea is transformed by a visit from Salon's most celebrated multi-leisurist!
Wait----do I know you, Chaireeut?
Your piece was lovely as always. I'm not doing berry pieces these days since it isn't berry season, but I did see a space ship. I suppose it's space ship season. Not French at all, just Intergalactic.
Baises to you for your wonderful writing. How's your mom?
Are you related to an East Coast gentleman named Eustace Tilley of the New Yorker? Or do you purchase the your stylish accessories from the same haberdashery website?
My dear Little Creature Trudge ~ Eustace Tilley is a gentleman of the most sublime panache - and one of my dearest friends. An avid lepidopterist!
What a delightful bit of wit and implied comedy this is. Thank you for your kind comment on my post. I plan to read your other posts forthwith.
I only caught the first comment on the thread here, but it was giggle-worthy and I'm trying to contain myself in a lady-like way. (failing miserably I fear)
Funny post.