Meloncholy has been my roommate for the past 5 months. Sleepless nights blend into worry filled days. Anxiety claws at the back of my skull leaving me paralyzed. Watching my favorite TV shows cuddled under my soft clean sheets, leaving my apartment only for work and groceries are my links to the outside world.
Comfortable in my discomfort. Finding the strength to ask for help and the humility to receive it. Feeling. So often we run from difficult emotions, fear, doubt and negativity. Without these feelings how can we learn? How can we grow?
Today, I had to work, to lead my class. I was afraid. How can I dance when my broken heart is healing? I'm afraid no one will show up, they will hate my music and think I'm not good enough. Today I picked up my Meloncholy and brought it with me, we danced.
Sitting on the beautiful purple couches before class I met a woman from Toronto, who wanted to dance today. She told me her flight was cancelled and she was so psyced she could dance today. She's a Director, she directs TV commercials, films, and more in Toronto. It was her first JourneyDance with me. We danced.
One of my regular students, a seasoned professional actress came to class today. Her out of town one woman show complete after a whirlwind month of performance, rehearsal, opening parties, closing parties, after show parties, travel, auditions and sweet applause. She returned to silence. Clawing the walls of her apartment an idea blossomed in her consciousness...Toronto. Nothing solid, or clear just a feeling. She knew she needed to dance.
Earlier in the week, I was considering cancelling because no one was pre-registered for class. I thought no one would come today, it would be just me, in an empty studio. But I did not cancel, I showed up, the room filled with people, and we danced!
We danced with my Meloncholy. We danced our joy, sensuality, fear, countless feelings and emotions expressed thru our movement. We danced in our safe space alone with others, in community with strangers.
If I did not show up, all those people would not have danced. Because of my class, the Director met the Actress, and who knows what beauty they will create together, because I showed up with my Meloncholy, there is possibility.
As humans, we feel. Even though, in American society, we are encouraged to only feel the good feelings. Distress and pain are a part of being human and feeling the full range of emotions helps us live. When we feel these emotions yes we do need to be alone....for a while. Pain is there as a signal, when it becomes unberable we are compelled to make change, take some sort of action.
My Meloncholy breaks me down and has compelled me to dig down to my core and change. I've come to accept it for now. I've had to reach out to my family and friends and humbly ask for help, take care of me have faith and continue to honor my commitments. I've had to show up.
I wouldn't have been able to lead the class I led today without my Meloncholy with me.
Today, I danced.