It was a couple of weeks after my then-friend Kevin had called me and said “Turn on the TV—we’re under attack.” Now, I’m not a morning person, so my first instinct was to hang up. But then I started to assemble the words into some sort of sense—we’re…u… Read full post »

I’m almost fifty years old, and I’m teaching myself how to cook. What’s weird is that I’ve loved the idea of cooking for many years, but for various reasons, until recently, my most advanced culinary exploits involved making an omelet. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve defr… Read full post »

Ever since I read my first book (‘Green Eggs and Ham’), I have been in love with words for their own sake. Sure, you can make some cool things out whole bunches of words, but some words are great all by themselves. ‘Effluvium.’ ‘Nexus.’ ‘Philology.’ &nb… Read full post »

One of the best writers on this site, Verbal Remedy, posted about writer’s block this week, and something must be in the air, because recently, I haven’t been able to write a lick. Nada. My Muse, at this point, is like my first girlfriend after we broke up—yeah, I could call… Read full post »

All the nostalgia for Woodstock this week leaves me a bit cold. Born in 1960, I was nine at the time. Now in 2018, however, although there won’t be an outdoor music festival to commemorate, there will be the fortieth anniversary of me turning eighteen.

 I think we are… Read full post »

On days when I’m inclined to be a hermit, and I’m into my fifth hour of watching Mary Tyler Moore on Hulu, I think about getting a pet. Granted, I have a whole menagerie of pet peeves, but maybe a little interaction would be nice (please see my earlier piece, “i… Read full post »

When it was reported this week that NASA released ‘cleaned up’ footage of the moon landing, it was like Christmas for wackadoo conspiracy buffs (I don’t call them ‘theorists,’ since they’re usually a bit short on that whole evidence thing that makes a theory&hellip… Read full post »

Haven’t posted anything in a couple of weeks, as I’ve been in the process of finding a studio apartment and getting settled. Settled—weird word, since it’s usually a negative (“You settled for this when you could’ve had that?”) Now, I have choice anxiety with… Read full post »

I haven’t posted anything for a while. I’ve been busy making plans for the end of the world, which, as your Mayan friends will tell you, is scheduled for December 21^st, 2012.

I typically don't buy into 'end of the world' scenarios, since, it seems to me, they're usually… Read full post »

I'm a sucker for award shows. If the American Society of Certified Public Accountants gave out awards, and they televised a handful of celebrities giving out said awards on a big stage with a curtain, I would watch. And in every awards telecast, there's always one transcendently bizarre moment that m… Read full post »

  "The Recording Academy, which bestows the Grammy Awards, announced late on Wednesday that the polka category would be eliminated, saying in a statement that it had been cut “to ensure the awards process/… Read full post »

I'm not known for making great choices. When I left high school, with a 4.0 g.p.a. and a combined SAT score of 1450, I entered U.C.L.A. planning to be a doctor. Not, mind you, because of a life-long passion for healing the sick and serving humanity, but because that's what I… Read full post »

In 1968, Andy Warhol famously predicted that “in the future, everyone will be world-famous for fifteen minutes.” Here's the problem: nobody is content with fifteen minutes anymore. Used to be, quasi-celebrities understood when their fifteen minutes of fame had elapsed. Tawny Kitaen rolled… Read full post »

The most eagerly-anticipated new album of 2035 was released this week, as ninety-four year old Bob Dylan's “The Bootleg Series Vol. 12: Crap I Never Planned To Release” hit the airwaves on Tuesday. Coinciding with Dylan's seventy-fifth year as a recording artist, “Crap” is a s/… Read full post »

Crazy week for me...after writing another loving ode to my favorite city, New York, and looking into housing possibilities, and exploring ways to fan the embers of my stand-up career, I now have a plan in place. I'll be moving back to Chicago in two weeks.

Here's the deal.… Read full post »

I haven't been writing lately, because I thought I should figure out where I'll be living two weeks from now. Been staying with a friend in Minneapolis while I recover from the latest episode of The World's Oldest Bohemian (starring--me!)...now, as I've said before, I don't mind Minneapolis, in the w/… Read full post »

I know too much. Not in the counter-espionage, “I'm afraid you know too much, Mr. Dane, so we will have to eliminate you” sense, but in the sense that I know too much random, pointless information. For example, I know that the plastic thingy at the end of a shoelace is… Read full post »

Recently another writer here did a brief musing about the word 'gadzooks,' and I thought I'd expand on the idea of swearing.

I'll be the first to admit that my language, when unfettered by social propriety, is pretty salty. I never agreed with pedants who claim that swearing just indicates a… Read full post »

I've never wanted to be in charge of anything.  I've certainly never wanted to have political power, and I don't envy those who have it. I'm content to change the world five hundred words at a time with my little comedy pieces.

Besides which, I'm probably not very electable,… Read full post »

AS BUDGET CUTS LOOM, ONE AGENCY TRIES TO SURVIVE

When the global economic crisis began, most average Americans had difficulty comprehending the numbers being tossed around like so much ticker tape. In our day to day lives, we find it hard to make sense of the fact that, as a nation,… Read full post »

 What if we’re wrong. And by ‘we,’ I mean...me, and the people who agree with me. For instance--as much as I might think fundamentalist right-wing narrow-minded racist misogynistic homophobes are idiots--what if I’m wrong. What if, when I depart this plane of existence, I/… Read full post »

One of the most under-reported stories of Tax Day  is that I filed my tax returns. You know, the yearly ritual of teeth-gnashing, hand-wringing and misdirected whining that everyone goes through. Well, until this week, that was everyone but me. The IRS even has a term for me (makes sense--we hav… Read full post »

Having lived in Illinois during the Blagojevich era, I came to enjoy political scandal as theater. In a state where reading the local political news feels like reading Soap Opera Digest, reactions from people on the street to the latest allegations weren't so much "Oh no he DIDN'T" as they were… Read full post »

So I went to the men's equivalent of the My Virtual Model site--very bizarre--when it asked me to pick a face i uploaded the comedy mask (don't these people understand symbolism?)  and tried to draw a goatee and mustache on it...then I picked out some clothes-kinda casual with a bit of… Read full post »

Recently, I've spent a lot of time thinking about the world's problems, and frankly I was stumped. Don't get me wrong-- I came up with a lot of answers to life's big questions (what God would call 'hot-button issues' if God were in marketing)-- but I thought nobody would actually listen… Read full post »