sorry, caitie.

i was going to do something grand here on OS for your birthday: y'know, a post about how wonderful it was to have you in our lives for 19 yrs, complete with pictures of you at different ages and brimming with the joy that remembrance is supposed to bring.

then i began going through the photos and, oh! my heart broke again. i looked at the steps you took as you grew: beautiful baby, adorable toddler,  sweet pre-teen and stunningly lovely young woman. then no more pictures, no more you. and i am still shattered.

i'm trying, cait. i really am. i am facing everything. i am writing about things that happened that last night. i am taking the bull by the horns and wrestling with the bastard. i am laughing when appropriate, smiling when i can, loving your da, mick and danny. doing the dishes, cooking, cleaning, driving the car...but the reality is i miss you like i'd miss oxygen; you are necessary for me to live.

i can't remember what your voiced sounded like. another piece of you gone from me. i have these chasms in my memories...i have you when you were small but cannot call up the four years or so before you became ill. it's just gone, evaporated as if the slate were wiped clean with the fabric of mourning.  

twenty-four years ago today i was the happiest woman on earth: you came into the world. your grandma told me once when i was very little that the human heart only has a certain amount of love, and when we give some out there is that much less left for another person. that may have been her truth but even as a small child i knew it wasn't my truth. your birth proved her wrong, as your brother and yourself allowed me to love more brightly and freely than i thought possible.

the longing for you never leaves, sweetie. the tangible, the seeing, the touching, the scent of you! i will try again next month, cait. i want so much for the world to know you existed and were a treasure of untold fortune.

so happy birthday, caitlin elizabeth aurand mayes. i love you baby.