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Mike Calahan

Mike Calahan
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Bay Area, California,
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January 21
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CA resident, writer, husband, pet owner, glorified typist, cautionary tale for English majors.

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APRIL 24, 2012 4:04PM

Sex, Drugs and Disney Sequels

Rate: 14 Flag

 

Over the next five years, Walt Disney Studios will be squeezing blood from stones as they begin production on the one thing audiences love: sequels to beloved films.

Colin Drabcock, Executive Franchise re-Imagineer, explained the new philosophy of the successful family studio, "People f**king love things that are familiar, s**t like that. They want to visit old friends, they want to look at old f**king pictures, they want to remember their motherf**king history. Do people want to go out and see a f**king movie because it has new characters? f**k no! They want to see movies that have the f**king characters they already f**king love. It's like going back to the f**king innocence of your f**king childhood."

After extensive studies of pie charts, internet SEO trends and online movie review sites, Disney media observers zeroed in on what modern audiences wanted.

"A successful f**king film," says Drabcock, "has gotta have all the f**king stuff that reflects today's audiences: sex, drugs and rock 'n f**king roll. Woo! It's gotta be fun, but also edgy and push the f**king boundaries a little. When people think Disney, they think of f**king bunny rabbits and songs written by a bunch of f**king gay dudes. Well, we're here to change the f**k out of that, I promise. And that's a promise you can take to the f**king bank."

With its eyes on the horizon, Disney has begun production on several new projects that will revitalize both the studio and the financial viability of sequels. Provided for us is a  rundown of the story lines, separated into themes:

Action!

Crouching Tiger, Pete's Dragon

Directed by visionary Ang Lee, Pete and Elliott are back in a sequel that Drabcock promises will have "...more kick-ass karate and less fruity singing." Pete, now middle-aged and about to lose his lighthouse to crooked developers, enlists the help of his old friend Elliott, the magical dragon. Together, they race against the evil Dr. Terminus to find the location of a sunken ship full of riches in the form of Chinese opium.

Inspired by true events, this sequel brings all the grit of Scarface and the kung fu styling of Enter The Dragon to the quaint town of Passamaquoddy where a bowl of chowder may be your last meal.

grrr
Elliot disembowels an enemy without mercy 

Dumbo: First Blood

Based on a spec script written by none other than Sylvester Stallone, this sequel to the 1941 classic shows what happens when bullying goes too far. Dumbo, now retired and living a solitary life, is heartbroken to learn of the murder of his old friend, Timothy Q. Mouse. Stomped to death by the jealous elephants of the circus, Timothy was a message to Dumbo that he would be next...

Audiences who'd once seen an elephant fly, will soon see an elephant fly off the handle and go on a blood-stained rage of revenge. This time, it will be personal.

dumbomad
Dumbo severs the brake lines of an enemy 

 

Drugs!

Mary Poppin' Pills 

Picking up 40 years after the original, everyone's favorite nanny, Mary Poppins, has taken a turn for the worst.  Unable to handle the nervous stress of nannying children that sing off-key, the psychic exhaustion that comes from constantly employing her special brand of black magic and having to listen to the annoying accent of Dick Van Dyke's shiftless Bert, Mary seeks solace. But when a failed attempt to self-medicate with spoonfuls of sugar leads Mary's waist to become anything but practically perfect, she quickly develops an addiction to Dr. Skinnychap's Jolly Holiday Diet Pills. Mary's downward spiral of pils and blackouts culminates in her becoming a person of interest to Scotland Yard in the deaths of several chimney sweeps.

Mary's attempt to prove her innocence, clean up and go straight is one that will inspire all addicts to reform and those already clean to become addicts and clean up at a later date.

maryangry
Mary's friends surprise her with an intervention. "I don't have a bloody drug problem! I can quit any bloody-well time I bloody-well feel like!"  
 

Peter Panic Disorder 

Years of a steady diet of psychotropic Nevershrooms and fairy dust have finally caught up with Peter Pan. He could be called a shadow of his former self... if his shadow had not committed suicide during a tragic delirium, that is. Paranoid, jittery and losing his grip on his own unreal reality, Peter Pan's only hope is an old friend. Grown up and volunteering at a needle exchange clinic in South London, Wendy Darling returns to Neverland to care for the eternal youth by mopping up his cold sweats, wringing out his soiled tights and getting him sober, once and for all.

A Basketball Diaries for the entire family, Peter Panic Disorder is the sequel J.M. Barrie envisioned when he was delirious from malaria.

never-rave
Peter parties with an underage girl at a drug-fueled Never-rave  
 

Sex!

Finding Nemo in an Awkward Position

With a story ripped from today's headlines, parents of transgendered children everywhere will be able to relate to this Finding Nemo sequel. Little Nemo is all grown up and acting out like a typical teenager. Or is he typical? The tranquility of the ocean takes a turn when Nemo's dad finds him in a coral bed with a shellfish! Finding Nemo in an Awkward Position will take audiences through the fun and adventure of Nemo's deprogramming from the right-wing media's pro-gay agenda to the acceptance of his father's traditional family values. Adults and children alike will cheer at the triumphant moment when Nemo suppresses his own happiness in order to satisfy his peers, then buries his resentment and self-loathing deep, deep down inside of himself.

Everyone will remember that 'Nemo' also spells 'No Me'

nemonono
Nemo tries his darnedest to suffocate his true self and become normal. BE NORMAL, DAMMIT!  

 

Adult Toy Story

As Toy Story 3 taught us, everyone has to grow up and leave behind their childhood, so it stood to reason that audiences have also aged and have outgrown toy cowboys or spacemen. After being sold online, Woody and Buzz find themselves living as extras in Hollywood's seedy underbelly of deviant moviemaking. Mystery and intrigue is soon the name of the game. Can the two friends get back home? Why do the other toys giggle when Woody introduces himself? Why is Buzz's name written into every script? And most importantly, who is that pizza delivery guy and why does he never actually have any pizza?

With an intended straight to cable release, this sequel is expected to reach #1 at over 90% of illegal download sites. Taking bootleg views out of the equation, Disney predicts Adult Toy Story will be top with the one television market most often overlooked: late night scrambled viewings by 12-year old boys.

scram_tv
...as seen by a 12-year old at 3am with the volume turned all the way down 
 

Music!

High School Musical (Is Canceled Due to Budget Cuts in the Drama Department Necessary to Purchase New Helmets for the Football Team)

In an effort to make the characters and premise more relatable for modern audiences struggling with a flailing economy and cutbacks in education, Zac Efron and everyone's favorite group of singing teenagers will be dealt a heavy blow. When the school's influential football coach requests new helmets for the varsity team, it is buh-bye to the music department, the drama department, the impromptu singing without microphones department and even the keeping your hair perfectly styled all day department. Can they cope with not being the center of attention? Can they raise enough money to save their program and become the center of attention once again?

Get ready to not sing and not dance as America finally learns that the arts are simply a waste of money!

bloody zac
Zac learns the danger of asking the football team if he and his friends can perform an inspired medley after each touchdown. 


"These movies are gonna knock your f**king socks off," says Drabcock. "No more f**king cutesy crap. From now on, Disney will be the f**king leader in bad-ass shootouts, cringeworthy dramas and edgy f**king realism. The shareholders can complain, but f**k 'em. Walt Disney's dead. What's he gonna do, defrost his f**king head and eat my face off? Come on! It's f**king business. Entertainment for the whole f**king family."


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comedy, sequels, movies, disney, humor, satire

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Um...next time you're gonna drop something as awesome as "Crouching Tiger, Pete's Dragon", please send me a PM so I can make you a visual that is (or at least attempts to be) equally as awesome. The generic pictures do not do the biting sarcasm justice. Easily some of the best satire I've seen on this site...every once in a while the editors get it right...(but not often).
Though next time, no biting Chuck Klosterman...
Expect a certified letter soon from Disney legal
Wonderful Wit! -R-

Want to share in the dismantling of a public nuisance? You are hereby invited.

http://open.salon.com/blog/philbert_desanex/2012/04/25/reason_kindness_correction
Simply spectacular!
By the way, the last good movie Disney made post Walt was "Never Cry Wolf". That was produced by Walt's son-in-law, who was soon dispatched. Then the accountants took over -- with predictable (in every sense) results.
I like what Tom Cordle said.
@MalcolmXY I have zero Photoshop abilities, so I am relegated to using generic pics. I would love to work with someone who actually can do some good pics.
Thanks for all of the comments. Even for someone with almost no discernable ego whatsoever, it is still humbling.

@TomCordle I actually haven't seen Never Cry Wolf. I will check it out, though. My wife said it was a wonderful film.
'Tis, and it's evidence of what Disney could have become after Walt -- had it not sold its soul to Hollywood schlock-meisters. Sad to say, like everything in America over the last three decades, Disney's all about the green -- and I don't mean ecology.
I'm sure that many in the inner sanctum at Disney would be horrified to read this. It savages some sacred cows. But satire always should if it is of merit. But this, although employing a funny use of "not" (and kudos for you for writing on the wall,) gives me great anxiety:

"Get ready to not sing and not dance as America finally learns that the arts are simply a waste of money!"
Well, the words were worth 1,000 pictures, but if you're so inclined
(and, I've made the offer to a few others, but no one here wants to play around and such) I think it would be fun to do some multimedia illustrations, of sorts, for you, which would leave you under no obligation to use them, of course.

I hate writing in this place anymore, but I have the account still, so what the hell?
Excellent! But your last is too true to be funny. I live in a district where they cut orchestra but just paid tens of thousands to replace artificial turf on two football fields.

Sigh.
@froggy and @linnn Creative outlets for kids have been seen as borderline useless for decades and it is horrible. In grade school, imagination is encouraged and nurtured, but then high school turns around and tells those same kids that imagination is not viable. As though sinking school funds into varsity football somehow ensures those kids have a bright future. It's so weird.
"Audiences who'd once seen an elephant fly, will soon see an elephant fly off the handle and go on a blood-stained rage of revenge. This time, it will be personal" Pure. Dead. Brilliant. Thumbs!
Mike Callahan, I read this last week and thought I commented. You get it and you've got it!
I read somewhere that a sequel will earn about 80% of what the original did, whether the original was a piece of crap or a sterling masterpiece. The odds are so much better than taking a chance on something new. The Hollywood bean-counters love the sequel. Looking for cheapest auto insurance in Florida?
After extensive studies of pie charts, internet SEO trends and online movie review sites, Disney media observers zeroed in on what modern audiences wanted.Arab