Dear Human Race,
Hey, dudes, it’s me. God. Yes, your God. The Creator. The Almighty. The man upstairs. Last name ‘Damn.’ No matter what your religion, it’s the same guy. Me. I’ve been wanting to tell you something for quite a while now, but I’ve been preoccupied with the Crotons on planet X5,078,990,042. What a bunch of jerks those guys are. Between them and the Kardashians, I’m completely through with silicone-based life forms.
Anyway…I hate to be curt, but I’ve got lots on my plate here what with multiple universes to run and all, so I don’t have time for pleasantries. You guys are starting to bug the crap out of me, and I really need you to shape up a bit. Start using those exquisite brains I gave you. I didn’t intelligently design them so you could sit around, eat Cheetos, and watch Real Housewives, okay? So, please, make these few changes, and I guarantee, all of us will be a lot happier.
First thing I want you to do – stop judging each other. You people pick at each other more than a troop of tick-infested monkeys. Judging is my mydamn job, and mine alone, and I’m not doing it until Judgment Day, which, if you must know, will be whenever the hell I get around to it. You need to stop hating each other because your sexuality or race or religion is different. You need to stop putting down each other’s political views. In short, you need to stop with the holier-than-thou attitude. I can see all your thoughts and feelings. I see all the things you do that you think no one sees, and believe me, none of y’all are holier than any thou. So next time you think you’ve got it right and the other person’s got it wrong, try exercising a little tolerance, a little patience, and listen. Your ears aren’t just for keeping those stylish Ray Bans on your head, you know.
Second thing you need to do – stop speaking for me. I know I gave you those sacred texts and prophets and what not, so you think you know what I’m thinking. But you don’t. You don’t know when the world is going to end. You don’t know which people I’m going to save and which I’m going to send to hell. You don’t even know what sports teams I like (hint-hint, it ain’t the Broncos). So stop telling people that they’re damned or that I hate their traditions or that I want the Mets to win (‘cause obviously, I don’t.) You know the old adage, if you don’t have something nice (or at least productive) to say, keep your freakin’ mouth shut (I paraphrase). Well, heed it.
Speaking of keeping your mouth shut – all you pro athletes who praise me on the field then act like total dick wads (Yes, I said ‘dick wads.’ I like to be precise) off the field, knock it off. You’re making me look bad. I don’t want people thinking that I condone your thoughtless, conceited-ass behavior. You are not my gift to the world anymore than Paris Hilton is a gift to virtue, got that? Stop behaving like you are, or I won’t answer that Hail Mary at your next playoff game.
Finally, I want you to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Yeah, that. No matter what your religion, you know that mandate is in your book -- and I meant it. If you want your life to be replete with selfishness, thoughtlessness, or condescension, then by all means, be selfish, thoughtless, and condescending. If you want people to cheat, deceive, and demean you, then go ahead. Cheat, deceive, and demean. But if you want to receive kindness and respect, then you best be prepared to dish that out in equal (or better) measure. In life as in burritos, what you get out of it is only as good as what you put in.
Oh, and by the way, when I say “do unto others,” I mean ALL others, not just the ones you like, or the ones you approve of, can relate to, resemble you, think or believe or sound like you. I mean ALL…everybody. Even the people who have wronged you. Even the douches and dick wads. Why? Because someone else’s douchey-ness does not excuse or justify your own. You are responsible for you. If you are not being a decent person, if you are not who you want to be, it’s your doing and yours alone. So, put those pointing fingers away and stop blaming siblings and parents and spouses and friends for your behavior. If you want good in your life, you’ve got to make it yourself. Now, get to it.
If you have a problem with anything I’ve said here, take it up with my manager. Oh, wait, I don’t have one. ROFL!
Have a nice day, and I bless.