I’ve figured it out. I’ve figured out how to get rid of Sarah Palin. And I owe it all to my addiction: The Simpsons.
I suffer from an somewhat rare disorder called Simpsons-mania. The primary symptom of this disorder presents as a compulsive and incessant need to cite scenes and/or lines from Simpsons episodes on any and all occasions you possibly can, but in particular at those times when you need to illustrate a point or make someone chuckle, and you realize you have no water cooler-worthy anecdotes of your own. I’ve suffered from this disorder for over a decade now. There is no cure, but loving friends and family are absolutely critical in pointing out how annoying it is.
But I digress….in the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episode “Attack of the 50 Ft. Eyesores,” Homer causes all the advertising icons in town to come to life as Godzilla-sized monsters that begin to ransack the town and terrorize its denizens, who cannot help but gape at these colossal commercial caricatures. Lisa is the only townsperson with enough wits about her to seek a solution, which she obtains from an advertising executive at McMahon and Tate (a Bewitched reference – gotta love the references). The ad exec tells Lisa that the promotional behemoths feed on attention. In fact, they cannot survive without it. Thus, the only way to destroy them is to stop paying attention to them.
Lisa and the ad exec quickly compose a catchy jingle and have Paul Anka sing it to the town. Pretty soon the entire town echoes with the refrain-
“Just don’t look. Just don’t look.”
Sure enough, the jingle works. All the people of Springfield eventually turn their attention to the crooning Paul Anka, and one by one, the billboards incarnate croak.
I don’t think I have to explain how this applies to Sarah Palin. But I will. She’s a publicity beast. She gorges on celebrity. She covets the spotlight. She sucks up attention like a black hole, growing fat with vanity and ever hungrier for fame. It’s just like Homer in the Treehouse of Horror episode, “Married to the Blob,” where Homer consumes a gelatinous alien which turns him into an insatiable green blob who does nothing more than eat his fellow townsfolk. Of course, in the end, Homer turns his reckless appetite toward more generous (if also dubious) social use (he eats the homeless of Springfield). I’m not sure that will ever be said about Ms. Palin. But then she’s no Homer Simpson.
So I beg of you, my fellow Americans, just don’t look. Just don’t look at her on Fox. Just don’t look at her books. Just don’t look at her speeches or Facebook page or Tweets. Just don’t look!! And maybe, just maybe Ms. Palin will figuratively croak. And I can go back to using my Simposns-quoting dysfunction for a purpose for which it is better suited -- annoying the ones I love.