I hate Broccoli. I hate it cooked, I hate it raw. I hate it smothered in cheese or cream sauce. I don't have anything against broccoli. I just don't like the taste or the aroma of the stuff. It is, as a matter of fact, the only thing that President George H.W. Bush and I ever agreed upon. We don't like broccoli.
People who like broccoli? They are a different matter. Broccoli lovers, or more generally, vegetable lovers, have an agenda. Their sole mission in life is to turn our children into vegetable lovers just like they are. Oh, these green-munchers are a wily bunch. They have, over the decades, enlisted Parents, Teachers, Doctors and even Madison Avenue to do their bidding.
"Eat your vegetables", our Mothers told us. "There are starving children in Africa", they whined. "You will NOT leave this table until every one of those peas is gone", they threatened. One wonders how much cold, congealed melted butter languished beneath a hearty serving of beans or cauliflower in the Dining Rooms of America.
Sister Mary Donald. Dear, sweet Sister Mary Donald. My First Grade Teacher. Among the many fond memories I have of her there is one dark moment. Going through the lunch line one fateful day, I was confronted with a spoonful of fresh steaming Green Beans. I tried to politely refuse them, (see above, I don't like vegetables), but Sister rushed in and made the lunch lady put that offensive side dish on my tray. I took my seat, ate everything else on my tray and drank my milk. Upon taking my tray to scrape the leavings, including a full serving of Green Beans, Sister Mary Donald accosted me and told me I must sit back down and finish all my food. I told her I didn't like the beans and that I didn't want them in the first place. No matter, I was going to eat my beans whether I liked them or not. The battle of wills finally ended with the lunch period. I threw those awful things away and went back to class.
Sister Mary Donald was obviously a soldier in the Broccoli Army. I had officially begun my resistence.
Doctors, Nurses and other Healthcare Nazis have, for many years, attempted to brainwash the American public. They tell us how "healthy" broccoli and his various cohorts are for us. As children we are told we will "grow up big and strong" if we eat our vegetables. As adults the indoctrination continues with promises of longer and happier lives if we just choke down so many servings of plant life every day. I am convinced that you don't actually live longer, it just seems that way.
Good old Madison Avenue. The "Mad Men" have created images for our magazines and televisions designed to trick us into "just trying" various concoctions of weeds and grasses. If you dump a can of condensed soup into a bowl of green beans, (oh, the horror), and smother them with dried onions, well brother you've got yourself a hearty meal! They even gave us a large green man standing amidst nature's bounty telling us how wonderful these roots and leaves taste. Given a child's innate aversion to giants of all ilk, I have always failed to grasp the connection here.
Yes, dear friends, the Broccoli Agenda wants everyone to be a "Happy" vegetable lover. In our homes. In our schools. In our media. These abominable creatures will never stop until every God fearing carnivore is turned to the alternative diet-style of the herbivore. I say it is time to stop them in their nefarious tracks.
Tell your children to avoid the dangerous choice of greens. Make them eat steaks and roasts and hamburgers as the Beef Council intended. Help them to avoid a life of gas pains and sallow complexions. Teach them the truth about how Humans scratched and clawed their way to the top of the Food Chain where they discovered meat and cheese and poultry. Resist the temptation brought about from mushrooms on pizza. For, while not itself a vegetable, the mushroom is a gateway food leading down the path to beans, peas and, finally, BROCCOLI!!
I will admit to you that, from time to time, I have consumed the odd salad or ear of corn. These were weak moments for which I have begged the Council for forgiveness. Their response was to inform me what truly is for Dinner and this has put me back on the straight and narrow path. I will continue my struggle against the Broccoli Agenda until my clogged and hardened arteries take me to that Outback in the sky. Fight on, carnivores!