Avast, me hearties! A riot of sex and gender transgression has at once been loosed by Zumalicious and her cunning band of intrepid she-seadogs. Let your drives and your lusts know no bounds. We shall be freer on the high seas than any monarch or empress on dry land.
We shall continue in the footsteps of pirate queens like Anne Bonney, her lover Mary Read, Grace O'Malley, and Ching Shih. Lock up your sons, your daughters, your jewels and other booty. You don't want to have an unguarded moment with she-devils such as we.
If you're hankering to join our merry band, be forewarned that a pirate ship is a pretty gay place. You don't have to be "in the navy" to sail once more into the breach. Any port in a storm, if you catch my meaning. Besides, what with all the double-crossing and cross-dressing that goes on on any pirate ship, you may find the laddie you bunk with is a lass, and vice versa.
As for me, I'd better hie me to Babes With Blades, a troupe in Chicago that's willing to teach any lass skill with a sword. 'Tis been awhile since I buckled me swash, so I'm badly in need of some practice.
These be their stage combat rehearsals. What? You didn't expect me to actually learn how to kill with those things, did you?
Now, to get me some pirate garb:
Ah, here's a fine blend of butch and femme to choose from. And the clothes aren't bad either. Only one thing more to complete our pirate vessel.
Celebrities we wouldn't kick out of bed! Of course, this would include our favorite Celebrity Pirates:
The incomparable Johnny Depp
The enigmatic Orlando Bloom
The firey Kiera Knightley
I never saw a Xena episode where she got off of dry land, but how could I not have Lucy Lawless as part of my crew?
'Tis no matter if she's never been at sea, as long as Jennifer Garner is wearing leather--of course, that's my general rule about most things.
Kidnap him from the British Isles! Clive Owen will soon be one of us!
If we ever invent a time machine, we're going back for Errol Flynn. I certainly wanted to be part of his merry band, ever since I first saw Captain Blood when I was a young 'tween.
Since she's mastered the Matrix, will Carrie-Anne Moss be our ship's Most Valuable Player? That's player, not playa, you pervs.
Someone bring James McAvoy on board. Anyone can tell the lad's ready to go to sea.
Cunning, sly, sexy, and fey--what pirate ship would be complete without Alan Rickman? If he can conquer our hearts, he can take the seven seas.
Till we meet again.