Life's not fair


Matt Paust

Matt Paust
Gloucester, Virginia,
December 31
Sorry - writer's block... BTW the "birthday" listed above is false. I prefer to keep that day private, but am not permitted to do so here, so I'm forced to lie.


APRIL 23, 2012 11:56AM

Best of Cuss

Rate: 28 Flag

As I mentioned in an earlier post, because I'm one of the alleged blurbists Cranky Cuss included in the praise panel on the back cover of his new book Send in the Clown Car: The Race for the White House in 2012, I am ethically forbidden in theory from publishing a formal review of said book.  It would appear to the general public that Cuss paid me for services rendered, and, to quote the 37th president of the United States, "that would be wrong."

I, as our first president is said to have said, "cannot tell a lie."  I did blurb the book.  The evidence is there for all to see, but, altho Cuss promised over a month ago the check was in the mail I'm still sitting patiently here by the mailbox, where I've set up a little table and camp chair so's to continue blogging whilst awaiting, and, well, I'm still awaiting, and Cuss therefore is still technically innocent of an ethical misstep.  That being said (Lordy I hate that expression, yet it is fashionable and I do try to stay up on the latest trends) I will merely post here one of the chapters in Clown Car.   I picked it because it made me laff so hard I almost strangled on my tongue and have since heard my family whispering about seeking a court order to have me examined by a battery of psychiatrists.  

Do I care?  A little, but I'm a stubborn SOB, and I'm hoping that posting the following chapter from Clown Car might magically speed up delivery of the promised check, and ethics be damned and the chickens be home to roost.  Here then is: 

Abraham Lincoln, Blogger



“Fooling some of the people all of the time”


Location: Washington, DC via Illinois


Birthday: February 12


Title: POTUS


Bio:  Check out more of my words at

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.




There’s a typo in your blog heading.  It should say “Ape” Lincoln. 


(Heritage Not Hatred)




I love a man who can craft a moving sentence.  Let me know when he shows up.


“Long remember what we say here?”  Hell, I’ve forgotten it already.  You need to punch up the words a little, Abe, you’re putting us to sleep.


“Four score and seven years ago.”  Pretentious much?  Dude, just say “87 years!”  You can’t be a man of the people if you talk like an elitist.


Also, you have a BIG MISTAKE in the second paragraph by using “that” twice in a row.  It should be “THAT THIS NATION MIGHT LIVE,” not “THAT THAT NATION MIGHT LIVE.”  Didn’t you ever go to college?






Can I get the last 3 minutes of my life back?


(Will Blog 4 Food)




I’m sure liberty wasn’t the only thing “conceived” there, TEEHEE!   And I think more than four of our fathers managed to “score.”  :D


(Naughty Pussycat69)




Conceived in liberty?  Don’t you mean: CONCEIVED IN GENOCIDE!!!  Or do you know somebody still speaking Susquehannock?  That tribe lived in that part of Pennsylvania UNTIL THEY WERE COMPLETELY WIPED OUT by 1763 due to smallpox (thanks, Columbus!) and the violence of European settlers, and you can’t even mention them.  Their ghosts might have a different interpretation of LIBERTY!


Oh, and I got drunk last night, wandered into my neighbor’s house, and DISCOVERED A KITCHEN.  Call me Columbus Jr!


(Eurocentrism Blows)




All of your beautiful words cannot camouflage your trampling of the Constitution by suspending the writ of habeas corpus.  IMHO, you have broken your vow to defend the Constitution and you should be impeached.  I know it won’t happen because Congress is filled with cowards.  I just hope there is a strong third party candidate in next year’s election, one who will stand up for freedom, liberty and the rule of law, but in deeds and not just in words.






The Federal government has overstepped its bounds and usurped the rights of the states to follow their own path.  To quote Thomas Jefferson, “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time, with the blood of patriots and tyrants.”


Ron Paul 1864!






Lincoln is un-American.  In fact, I’m not even sure he was born here.  Has anyone ever seen his birth certificate?


(Right is Right)




Good day, ladies and gents, ye good olde shopping place.
***** *****
Stovepipe hats ($5)

Franklin stoves ($30)

Genuine Mathew Brady daguerreotypes ($5)


We take the Paypal!






Lincon, you homo, your nothing but a looser. I cant wate for you’re one term to be done so we don’t have a moran in the Whitehouse.


(No More Libtards)




Mr. Lincoln, if “all men were created equal,” then why have you taken so long in FREEING THE SLAVES? I sense that you’re a good man, Abe, but there comes a time when you have to stand up for what’s fair and decent.  You were very slow to do that. 


(Frederick Douglass)




Freeing the slaves?  Mr. DouglASS, Lincoln was ill-advised to take an action that’s contrary to the intentions of the Founding Fathers.  If you’d read the Constitution carefully, you’d understand why treatment of the slaves should be left to the individual states.


(Mississippi Rebel)




Reb, are you saying that I should wait for decades for my brothers and sisters to be freed simply because of what some slave-owning white men wrote nearly a century ago?  “States’ rights” is nothing but a code word for bigotry.  With all due respect, sir, I’d call you a horse’s ass except I don’t want to offend any horses.


(Frederick Douglass)




What traitor freed your uppity ass?  Go back to Africa!


(Mississippi Rebel)




I’m surprised you can type with that white sheet over your head.


(Frederick Douglass)




Sic semper tyrannis!



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I think this is one of the cleverest satirical pieces in Cranky's book. But Cranky, you didn't ask me for a blurb. What am I, chopped liver?
Maybe he was afraid you'd be honest, John.
Gawd...I wish I could write humor. Enjoyed this post. You dunna good thing for your buddy. Book marking to buy a copy when I get back to NH. Want to read your WAITING FOR THE HUNTSMAN as well.
Funny, funny, funny stuff!
Cannot stop laughing. Do you want some lemonade while you blog on the folding table??
That cat is one cute son of a kitty!!! WHOOOO!!! :D
Terrific! I think I need that book.
but a tip isn't payment, it's just a tip and then think of the wonderful post you could write about tipping.
You're a good blurbist and a loyal friend. Working for free and all... (word has it that Cranky already owes the IRS for the income from Send in the Clown Car, so get in line.

"Cuss therefore is still technically innocent of an ethical misstep.."
This is what happens, Matt, when guys go big time.
They forget their friends.

Speaking of friends, i read Fernsy's review of your book.
Guns and foreign intrigue and LSD.
She says you got testosterone coming out of your pores.
Also that you are so beefy and manly as i imagined.
Yr current avatar makes you seem a Hemingwayesque type.
(I don't think examination by a 'battery' of headshrinkers
would do any might get some halfway decent drugs
out of it...")

e. hemingway:

"A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.
Letter (6 December 1924);

"The age demanded that we dance
And jammed us into iron pants.
And in the end the age was handed
The sort of shit that it demanded.'

i wouldnt mind having a gun.
i'd like to learn how the guys stuff it in their pants without
it coming loose..tight belt, i suppose.
NOT beefy and manly, i meant.sorry, man
Thanks, Matt. I should point that Matt added the pictures. They're not in the book.
You are so damn funny. I really L'ed OL.
Thank you times two, Ande. If I had know you when I put Woodsman together I might have asked you to contribute a guest piece - the post of yours I saw here recently.

It is, Mac, it is. I almost picked the saga of Louis Liberal and Chuckie Conservative instead, but this had better avatar opps.

You must stop laffing, Princess, or, like me, you'll risk injuring internal organs. Actually I selling lemonade out here by the mailbox, too. I need some income for my efforts.

Cat? Did someone say "cat?"

You do, JL. No doubt about it.

Or maybe even "expenses," Ben? That has a tad more dignity to it.

Lezlie, I hear the IRS is mad at Cranky because he tried to write off all the time he spends on OS, at $15 an hour.

Hemingway on humor, Jim? I read where he threatened to punch Maxwell Perkins for laffing at something in one of his manuscripts. Ernie, from what I can gather, was one severely serious dude.

Cranky mentions the avatar graphics only to absolve himself from copyright infringement litigation, I should point out.
Him or me, Miguela? You should see the rough draft he sent me to work with. Only one word comes to mind: gadzooks.
I loved this one, too! Thanks for sharing it here - it has me laughing all over again, too!
I think you and Cranky should colaborate on a book. With Cranky's wit and style and your....uh....well, you could sit next to him while he types.
Buy the beer and I'll sit there at the mailbox and wait for your check with you.
Cranky cuss should provide you with a lunch box and a lemonade.You deserve it.
Rated for your never ending promotions and your great sense of humour.

I heard someone say that you write,too.
I need to have a copy of that Wood-book.Where is the line up?
I was at first confused if Matt wrote this or Cranky. The confusion was partly in the color pics, which I know you can't do in kindle. So somehow I got unconfused. But if I am gonna get confused by funny brilliance, you two are the best to bounce around with. I'd also play the "Name Game" with you two anytime. ("Cranky cranky bo-banky, bananafana fo fanky..." "Matt matt bo bat, bananafana fo fat...")
how could you steel my idea of Hemingway? I could sue you for plagiat,oh no,I couldn't as I forgot to have it patented.
Besides:Only one person has seen my comment.
So this time,you are getting away with it.
David,what a splendid idea!
What are you going to do with the check once it is in the mailbox?
Great stuff. Two of my faves, Cranky and Matt!
Crank begged me for a blurb. Used to begging, I guess.

No. Seriously, folks: its a terrific book!

Speaking of sharing, Alysa, have you gotten your promised piece of the royalty pie Cranky promised all us reviewer/promoters of his book? No? Hmmm, we may hafta have a sit down and talk about this.

David, we may hafta go in on a case or two of brewskies. I have a hunch we're gonna be sitting by that mailbox a looooooong time.

I agree, Heidi. A boxed lunch every day I must sit out there by the mailbox until his check arrives. Sounds fair to me. As to my book, I thought you already had a copy?

Sharon Sharon bo-baron, bananafana fo-faron...kinda catchy innit? One of the tricks you picked up in Hell's Kitchen, no doubt. As to the post, Cranky wrote and I plugged in the avatars. I guess he figured it would be perceived as a conflict of interest to do that himself, considering he was one of the commenters, too.

Heidi, the check just might pay for one or two beers, if we get the cheap stuff.


He knew better than to beg me, Jon, knowing I'm a Republican ward captain and avowed scorner of begging. This is why he offered me the, to pay "incidental expenses," etc. Perfectly legitimate, of course.
Matt,I have orered the other book twice.
This one we are talking about here,I have not,but ever since you have posted excerpts from it some time ago,I know that I have to buy a copy of it.
This Gettysburg address was written by a man born in America. There is a much, much lesser known address written by a man born in Italy. It is known as the Spaghettisburg address. Would someone please send me a copy?
Love it! -- A "moran" in the White House! I saw that pic of a demonstration, with the sign "Morans Go Home." Ha! It is pretty much a summation, to me. You both rock.
Brilliant -- absolutely brilliant, and all the more so for those who catch the inside jokes. Thanks for the best laugh I've had this week. The pic of Trump the Tramp was worth the Trip.
I have dreams about you....We are naked. We are running, hand in hand, in a huge field of lilies. At one point, you tell me that you are a writer.
I laugh out loud and fall over dead.
But I always wake up before I hit the ground.
I don't know what that means.

Remember....Friday..8PM..7th St Park....will be wearing McGovern for President T shirt.