Life's not fair


Matt Paust

Matt Paust
Gloucester, Virginia,
December 31
Sorry - writer's block... BTW the "birthday" listed above is false. I prefer to keep that day private, but am not permitted to do so here, so I'm forced to lie.


MARCH 19, 2012 9:02PM

Cranky really did write a book!

Rate: 26 Flag

He did it. He really did it. Cranky didn't just mock up a book cover that somebody could hold in front of the camera at the latest OS New York meet-up or paste on his blog to make it appear he'd actually written and published a book. He actually wrote and published a book! I know this because a copy of Send in the Clown Car: The Race for the White House 2012 was in my P.O. box this afternoon and now sits on my desk next to my laptop as I type this...  cuss

I almost typed “review,” but I can't review this book because I blurbed it and it is considered unthinkably unethical for a blurbist to review a book he or she has blurbed. And that has nothing to do with the fact that I blurbed Cranky's book badly – so badly that I belong in the trunk of the cover's clown car, a Volkswagen, which has a very small and cramped trunk. Now, I could make you buy the book to find out how badly I screwed up the blurb but that would be even more unethical. What I said was, and a boldface author's note emphasizes the gaffe, that Cranky and galactically famous comic writer Art Buchwald resemble each other physically. Now, even with the amazingly broad latitude traditionally allowed blurbists, I concede my physical comparison of the two comic writers did exceed the boundaries of turpitude granted me by my virtual license, if only because I have met neither man in person and the one has been long dead. Much better to have said their mugshots suggest similar smirks of satirical insouciance, I suppose. We'll hafta wait for the hardbound edition to change it. buchwald

We've known all along that Cranky is a good-hearted fellow, but some of us (count me in) might be surprised to learn he is also either incredibly trusting or as naïve as the love child of Pollyana and Forrest Gump. My evidence for broaching this conundrum is the result of Cranky having sent out review copies to various organizations and prominent individuals. That he chose to include brief blurbs from the following three proves my hypothesis and enables me to rest my case. He displays them prominently on the back cover above my blurb:

Book of the Year” ~ Birdcage Owners of America

Even I wouldn't put my name on this crap” ~ Donald Trump

Cranky Cuss's writing excites me. Want to see?” ~ Anthony Weiner

But enuf about the back cover, which is really rather plain. It's the front cover that will sell this book and put the expression “Cranky Cuss” right down there with other expressions Republicans use when talking amongst themselves about liberals, women, gays, poor people, cussblacks, Latinos and anybody who might vote for Barack Obama. The colorful eye-catching overall design is by OS's Dianaani, who uses the pseudonym Diana Ani Stokely in the book's credits. The delightfully cramped clown car, carrying three idiotic-looking elephants and one cool dude of a donky, is a drawing by Michelle “Cuss” Hernandez, the same author's daughter who drew the infamous caricature her dad uses as his OS avatar image. 

Am I done? Pssst! Is that it? Whew. Good. The bill's in the mail, Crank.


 click on the cover to order. do it.  NOW!!


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I'm proud of Cranky and look forward to his book arriving any day now. ~r
The Link doesn't work.
I am so proud him and you too for being such a nice person. but wait we already knew that didnt we? Should we send in the clowns (car) to find out??
Thanks, Leepin. It did, but somehow the cyber slipped out. I'll put it back!
Best non-review I ever read! I briefly lived around the corner for Art Buchwald in Washington, but I never met him. Or you. Or Cranky.
I hate when "cyber slips out."
Got her back in there. "Good catch," as we used to say when an editor caught a hideous mistake in our copy.
We'll hafta fix that Muse. Cranky's suggested having a meet-up in D.C. soon. That would be a comfortable drive for me.
I've a hunch Art splits his time between the two spots, Janie. Gets the angels laffing, then heads down to Hades and gets the demons going. He and Cranky woulda been fun to trade stories with together over beer and pretzels. Cranky probly still is.
When I was about 18 I saw Art Buchwald outside a restaurant in NY. I was all excited and shreiked, "Art Buchwald!". He looked confused cause I was way too young to be his fan base. Same thing happend when I was 14, and on a school trip, and saw Wallace Shawn and Andre Gregory dining together. All my classmates had no idea who they were and they looked so amused that I was so excited by them, and how they were actually dining together. I only realized that it was kind cute, in retrospect. What the hell am I doing hijacking this fine post ?
I prefer you and Cranky to all those fellows anyhow.
I'm thrilled that Cranky took the leap.I hope his book is a huge hit. Fine and funny writing about blurbs and books and other things, Matt. Please, attend that meetup, if it takes place.
Well for sure he got the right title.
You're sweet, no matter WHAT everybody else says.
Unhesitatingly purchased! Thank you!
I love the cover of this book. /r
That's hilarious, Ferns. Would love to see that on video.

JMac, I know. Especially true as clowns always scared me as a kid.

Aww, Diana...and WHAT might that be?

You won't be disappointed, Marianne.

Me, too, Christine.
You posted this without even reading the book?????
DON'T buy this book!!!! He's a L.I.B.E.R.A.L.!!!!!
...and I'm really getting it! r.
Yay, Cranky! I am looking forward to reading his book. After having met him, though, have to say he is not a cranky fellow.
So this is why my ears were ringing last night.

Didn't know you couldn't review it because you blurbed (and as you know, OS is all about the ethics). Now that I know this, I'll make you blurb all my books.

All seriousness aside, thanks, buddy!
I'm ordering it right now and I don't even own a bird.
I received the book yesterday as well and am liking it thus far. He really did do it.
Congratulations to Cranky. He did it! He is an inspiration to all of us. Now I need to glue my fingers to my laptop's keyboard and crank out a novel. Btw, you can blurb me when I finally write my book.

Btw2, I thought you had to have read and reviewed the book before you can blurb it. Times have charged. :)
Trudge, I blurbed Cranky, not the book, altho some of the pieces in it I've read on OS. I'd be happy to blurb you, bubba.
Was this book self-published with CreateSpace?
What a character you are, Matt. You even taught me something I didn't know; i.e., that blurb can be a verb. That's exciting because now I know if I ever write a novel, I'll be able to say I "noveled."

Lezlie, I would love to blurb anything you novel.
Congratulations to Cranky and his #1 Blurbist...Blurber?
Matt,I am new here and thank you for acceρting me in your circles..but I want to tell you,that this is a beautiful thing to do and gestrures like this is the why the OS ρeορle regard OS some of kind of family.Best luck to the book..and to friends.Thank you for your comments,best regards!!
What a great promotion, well deserved I am sure.
Best Wishes Cranky!
rated with love