Mary - a thoughtful and beautiful post. Yes, people want the juicy details. And yes, it is none of their business.

I wholeheartedly agree with you.

I was watching the Today show. Meredith was interviewing a woman who wrote about the "Stars", etc. Both seemed, hmmm, shall we say, disappointed that there did not seem to be any hint of an affair or any other sordid sort of thing behind the Gores' split.

However, they sure raised the question.

Oh my, Mary, I couldn't have said it nearly so well as you did. Your experience with divorce sounds very much like mine. Painful indeed. Death, loss, grieving. It felt that way for me too. Still does sometimes. Great post.

**quit looking for salacious juicy tidbits to falsely help us feel better than, superior to, better than…”them”.**

That. Right there.

Your whole post was thoughtful and compassionate and so reasonable. But that single line above probably explains the whole thing. About pretty much everything, not just divorce - we seem to have to revel in the bad news/failures of others to make sure that we can feel better about ourselves. The more gore and splash the better :(.

Rated for the Colosseum affect.

It's true. On most days, I can't even remember why my first husband and I divorced. The marriage was just over.

but how can divorce be "normalized" as long as marriage is defined as intended to be a lifetime proposition "until death do us part".

Tis a shame that after all this time, humans still seem to be about (as Seer suggested) Bread and Circuses...

My first instinct was to be sad for them...but who knows? Maybe they will both be very happy...Maybe it's completely amiable and fine and good between them.

I have no idea...it's none of my business.

Good post!

Brian, your comment registers with me. I'm of the opinion that marriage as currently constructed in our society simply no longer works. I think there needs to be a sea change in how we define it and what we should expect from.

Woke up early this morning to find a thick, cloudy sky and evidence of heavy rain over night. You'd love this! Cozy at the cabin.
You make such valid and relatable points about the veil of divorce and all that it "may" imply. As the Gores have only announced and confirmed a "separation" I am curious if they, themselves, are avoiding the "D" word?

Many "happily married" couples live very separate lives within the boundaries of their union, have widely different interests and careers that take them each to separate corners of the world.

Al Gore was reported as saying that they have simply grown apart. He preferring a fuller life, intense travel and the pursuit of his global interests and causes. He is on the move, wants to be heavily involved in a role that will keep him away from home and wife. The duties of marriage will hold him back from his dream and involvment elsewhere and everywhere.

Tipper, on the other hand, prefers the comfort of her nest and her own interests, quite apart from Al's. They no longer share the same dream and the motivation of separation to realize those dreams. They are polar oppostites in some ways, an irony, as Al plans to pursue research and solutions to resolve or at least understand the natural deterioration found at the polar ice caps of Iceland.

The news will slant things as they will as you said. The real story is yet to unfold, if ever. They seem to be a very private couple where their marriage has been concerned, despite their very public images over their political years. "Growing apart" is a natural occurance within most marriages and relationships. The question remains, why do so many couples grow together and learn that acceptance of their differences are enriching and opportunities to learn and grow together all their lives...while others throw in the towel and decide to pursue their interests and defferences, separately. Different strokes for different folks, perhaps and a willingness to "let one go" in order for genuine happiness flourish without the binds of marriage?

I do not suspect Al of infidelity during their 40 year marriage, but I do suspect that he is meeting a variety of women who share his interests and pursuits. That is very attractive and fresh and will undoubtedly lead him to new relationships with women. He is, afterall, human.

Thoughtful and relatable Mare. Does leave most of us wondering, just a tiny bit.

Well said. Honest. Clear. To the point.

I admit that my curiosity is piqued, that aside, it really isn't anyones business but theirs. I don't have a lot of trouble with understanding the whys and the general ins and outs of divorce after a long relationship, I've been close enough myself to know that it is a supremely complex dynamic. I may be struck dead for saying this, but, I wish also that the media would just let public figures have their lives. I also think that this is used to distract the masses from more significant problems. We aren't asking questions about the fact that oil companies are responsible for policing themselves. We aren't asking how since they were put in charge of their own regulatory compliance that violations disappeared overnight. Fewer people are concerned with how billionaires got bailed out and then have the gall to tell the poor that they must cut costs and live more frugally. So many are obsessed with the sex lives of the famous that they allow themselves to be robbed of their lives to pay for the lifestyles of others. Sorry for going on so. This is a well written and thought out work and thank you for posting it.

Great piece as usual, Mary. You have a gift!

As far as the Gore's are concerned, I've been told for a long period of time they they have been leading separate lives. He's been extremely busy with his projects and she's been keeping busy with her projects. It's just a case of they've grown apart and rarely have spent any time together in the past decade.

It's my understanding that they have a mutual affection for each other, but it's possible that one wants more than the other can give. Why not reach for it at 60-something than never reach for it at all?

I have more sympathy for those who want to know "why?" Some of them want assurances that if it can happen to people like the Gores, their own divorce wasn't a failure. Others, the ones who are still married, want to know what to avoid to help them stay married. Those are legitimate questions, and common ground is a laudable goal.

I'm not convinced that marriage just doesn't work in modern society so much as that most people don't need it to function the way it once did. Those who want it to be a good thing in their lives have found other ways to be married, either serially or just plain differently, perhaps with more equal more roles, more individual autonomy, or another definition altogether. It's unreasonable to say that marriage "as it's always existed" is no longer a good thing. It's existed many, many different ways throughout history — most of which evolved for logical reasons and faded for other logical reasons as times changed — and in most long, successful marriages, it's existed in several incarnations.

All good points.

You say that usually divorces are complicated. My guess is that most divorce stories are also boring. And that's probably why Al and Tipper are divorcing, they realized how boring they are.

Spot-on all the way. We, as individuals and as a society, really need to be a bit more honest about what marriage really is -- and what a horrible destructive force divorce isn't.

So the Gores are breaking up -- is this really even worth talking about? I guess not, since every news item I've heard about it seems to segue immediately into the latest tawdry tidbit about John Edwards. That alone tells me there's really no public story in the Gore divorce, no innocent people harmed by it, and no abuse of public trust or funds involved. The Gores' kids are grown up and on their own, they've done their duty as parents, so their marriage can't be said to have "failed" in any meanigful way; and no one really has any standing to question their decision or attack their integrity. Perhaps we can just say they got married for certain purposes, their marriage served those purposes, and now their needs and priorities have changed. People do change as they grow up and get older; and too many people use "the institution of marriage" to hide from this often inconvenient fact, and believe -- or desperately pretend to believe -- that marriage means both spouses promise to stop growing or changing till death do them part.

(But hey, this is Al Gore we're talking about -- someone the radical right despise at the cellular level, someone who MUST be demonized at every opportunity, by any means necessary. They can't disprove him on AGW, so let's obsess over his private life instead -- but not, God forbid, the private life of Newt Gingrich or Henry Hyde.)

Here's a little fact that people -- especially the "family values" crowd -- need to understand: marriage is not an abstraction, it's not an "institution," it's not a thing that exists apart from the people participating in it, with needs and demands that trump those of the people getting married. To steal a phrase from Jesus, marriage is made for Man, and not Man for marriage.

All well said. I know of several couples who have been married between 25 and 30 years, who have recently divorced or who or seriously contemplating divorce. The man in one couple, now in his early 60s, has been miserable for years. He said he figured he had another good 10 to 15 years left and he just decided he wanted to make the most of them. As strange as it seems to those on the outside looking in, I think people who have been married for decades sometimes just reach a point where the kids are no longer a major factor in their decision making and the thought of going it alone brings relief rather than grief and they part ways with their partners hoping to find some inner peace.

You make sense to me, although I had heard they were "separating," which doesn't necessarily equate with divorce.

"Is it so difficult to grasp that those who remain married, yet unhappy, do a terrible disservice to their children by modeling marriage as something one must endure, tolerate because “it’s best for the children”?"

I agree with your statement quoted above IF the unhappiness is severe....and not just occasional. No one should expect perfection or total happiness in a marriage because of how difficult that is to obtain. I think one reason divorce is so rampant is because of couples' unrealistic expectations for marriage and for each other. Falling in love is easy....staying in love is a lot harder. I think our society loves "falling in love" a lot more than working at a relationship to stay intact. In my opinion, couples give up way too easily and I think that's devastating for the family. It's good for the kids to see their parents struggle, compromise and work together in their marriage. Divorce hurts too many people AND is a complicated matter. No one said marriage would be easy.

Echoing DensieW and Just Cathy. Very well stated. ::yawn:: Good luck to them in their individual pursuits and happinesses.

I think so many people want an answer and sometimes there really isn't one. I think in the case of the Gores, they probably have genuine affection for each other, but are living separate lives and no longer wish to be bound by their marital vows when they don't make sense.

Good for them for having the ability to see that. It would be nice to see good people stay married to each other forever, but it's not always practical or realistic. Yes, it's sad, but maybe not too sad for them since they both seem to have pretty full lives.

Thank you for this excellent, elegant perspective, especially the 'glass half full.' In our family the only divorces I've seen have been painful and bitter. Ditto those who never divorced but probably should have. Only one marriage myself, only 28 years, still good. But this does make me wonder about hitting 40.

Great post Mary. Not only do I assume the best in the Gore divorce, but I also feel bad for both of them. I'm one of the few people I know that will admit that I liked Tipper's crusade for warning labels on music. They "seemed" like a great couple because they were/are a great couple. Who knows what happened. I suspect it was a "death of a million small cuts."

Please understand that this comment is not intended in any way to denigrate this very well-written and thoughtful post. Nonetheless, the one question that comes to mind is: Why do we think it is any of our business?

Luckily, I have a "daddy and mommy living together in the house" family. Divorce is a strange thing for me. I know a little about it from your blog. Thanks!

Really well done. Thoughtful and fair.

Anyone who has been married (once or many times) for over 40 years knows the reason. Tipper could not put up with Al continually loading the dishwasher wrong. Not only did I never learn it, but every married man among my friends couldn't do it as well. I believe the lady decided that 40 years of misloading the dishes was more than enough.

great post. I would like to echo High Lonesome in her beautiful comment. Redefining relationships is important.

Thank you for this post. As the ONLY divorced person in my ENTIRE family, I wish more people could understand that sometimes divorce is the best things that could happen to a couple and their child(ren). In my case, it was.

A couple we know divorced after forty years of marriage and eight children. Whatever it did to them, it radically split their long-time friends, some into her camp, some into his. My husband was one of the only people who remained friends with both, something I credit him for to this day. Divorces like the Gores take a toll not only on family but also friends, leaving many I'm sure asking why, whether or not it's their business. This is a timely, excellent, insightful post, Mary. Thank you for it.

Who gets the new house in California?

"Is it so difficult for us to grasp that some marriages have a lifetime within a lifetime? " Three years after my divorce which shattered me, I can say a resounding NO, and move on. You hit it right on, thank you. ~R

what an amazing post! Very well said, and all true! I feel the ones that are being malicious about people divorcing are in truth, probably very unhappily married themselves but can't quite take that leap of faith into the unknown single world...it's a shame some people are so ill equipped to accept divorce and yes to be supportive and to stay out of it!

I felt very connected to High Lonesome's comment - I don't think I could say it any better.

Nicely written Mary, as always!

As to the Gores: no comment. I don't know them, I don't know what went on in their marriage, it's none of my damn business.

As to the greater question about divorce, Brian said it--if you're gonna promise to be married for better or worse, till death do us part, you better fucking mean it. If you "normalize" divorce, you are normalizing people not living up to their word.

I have only read a few of your posts and say so to convey that I do not really know much of how you think. I was relieved to hear you say it's none of your business.
My wife asked me last night very sweetly and in a cheerful voice what I thought caused it and I told her, " I don't know. When we're told via media, I still won't know, which is fine because it's none of my business. All I am sure of is that when/if there is a breaking story it won't be all the truth. That doesn't happen and shouldn't. It's none of my business."
After thirty years married we really enjoy discussing current events like that.

All very good points above. Whatever reason for their separation is between the Gores--period.

No one really knows what a marriage is except the 2 people involved (and maybe not even they do). I only know what went wrong w/mine: we weren't on the same page when I had been led to believe that we were. Staying would've been far more painful and detrimental to me, in the short and long run, than leaving would be. It's been 7 yrs and I've never looked back.

I still believe in love and marriage, but it's a long look. Meanwhile, I'm very happy living my own life on my own terms. Which is what "choice" is really all about.

Great Post! Im glad you understand that divorce doesnt have to be vilified. It is painful and private. I divorced my husband of 25 yrs because he was annoying to me. Trite but True. We argued and the sex was terrible. So I found someone I dont argue with who is better at pleasing me and I'm happier. It isnt easy but it is better and I enjoyed dating lots of guys to find him. My ex has gone on to become a born again Christian who supports Palin. He married a tiny little lady who is very conservative and devoted to him. Our kids understand completely. They still love us both and we remain friends and help each other thru the tough parts of life. I dont regret it at all. So many marriages are hell. If you are able to stay until death do us part fine. But Tipper and Al just needed some space.

There's the adversarial aspect to consider, often aggravated by the lawyers who see billable hours in prolonging disputes over division of property and custody rights. Some lawyers advise their clients to build a case against their spouse to give them an advantage in court.

I think many of us are skeptical of the facade that public people - especially politicians - show the public, suspecting spin doctoring and pandering to opinion polls. When we see a crack in the veneer, it's only human nature to want to know what's really there.

The "kiss" first aroused my skepticism toward the Gore relationship. It seemed too staged, and, in the photos,Tipper seems to be cringing.

You're right, it's human nature to want the gory details. I think somehow people want to know them in order to comfort themselves somehow, thinking "that could never happen to us."

It must have been tough for them to go their separate ways after forty years because so many people will think they're past it. Hey, they're entitled to a life. I wish them luck. Excellent post.

Nicely put. A 40-year marriage is not a failure; it is amazing.

Maybe instead of "marriage doesn't work in our society" , we should be considering whether "our Society" works..

The reasons why INDIVIDUAL COUPLES divorce truly is no ones business; but the reasons why divorce is so prevelant in our society is our business. The reasons are many: the effect it has on kids (if involved); the acrimony and occasional violence it creates; the economic effect on the parties; and the increasing casualness with which it is performed. I have no moral compunction against it, and sometimes it has a positive outcome for the couple; but sometimes it has a multitude of detrimental effects on all parties involved -- including our society in general.

Much thanks for using the famous Gore kiss as the image in this article. IMO this is what I'll always think of when someone talks about them, married or not.

Bravo! Excellent article... not just written so well... but the ideas you convey are thoughtful and incisive.

I just went through a divorce and its is exactly as you described. While i'm somewhat sad about the Gore's, i'm sure it was in the best interest of both and knowing my situation, I just figured their divorce was difficult but for a good reason... instead of drooling for salacious details.

thanks again for this.

Normalize divorce? I thought it already was normal.
So can we also normalize marriages in which at least one person enjoys a sexual partner (or more) outside the marriage? Based on empirical evidence, such behavior is quite normal indeed.
Viva Bill (and Hillary) Clinton!

Normalize vs. moralize! Brilliant, Mary. Damn insightful. Damn dignified. Damn if you're not amazing! I wish you were nationally syndicated so more people would benefit from your views! Damn!

Wise and wonderful and sane words you share here.

Well done and very thoughtful, Mary. I admire celebrities who manage to put a cap on the stories and rumors and photo ops by putting together a little advance PR, as in, "we are parting friends and are most concerned about our privacy and helping our children adjust to the future." A good, agreed-to and unshakable public statement can serve as an effective wall against the intrusion of looky-loos.

Your post isn't about the Gores, really, which is the beauty of it, because they serve as an example of what you are saying. It is so complicated --divorce -- and with children it always is. It's like the way friends and strangers react, the way the families react, the children, and the two people divorcing -- brings out all the complexities and mysteries and in many ways the darker side of human nature. It nearly crushed me. It took me ( years to write My Husband Ran Off With the Nanny and God Do I Miss Her" and make it funny. Because he aimed for the bullseye, knowing no other woman could take all my freedom away. A quote from Rumie, "Never parroach me out of curiousity or pity." Great post!

Very sane post, Mary. As one who's batting average ain't good, three marriages; 3 divorces, I think the 40 year mark as you refer to this long marriage, is obviously why folks salacious or no are upset. But from my 'not long enough' marriages I can say: The reason for divorce was always that we couldn't bear each other as lovers or best friends, not for one moment longer.

That said, none of mine were failures. They were just based on romance and all the assumptions that go with early romantic love. If I were 80 and married and that allergic feeling stepped in between "us" I would leave again. So I believe the Gores may have felt something akin to "I can't take this anymore." Because they are so wealthy that will make it easier but then again when they were not wealthy they were probably closer. So financial wealth may be reason 2?

And last, I will take solitude over an annoyingly bad marriage every time, and did so. I think that fearing loneliness is a serious crock and never let that be my guide. And was never sorry and am friends with all three. Why in helll is this all about me? God, get a grip woman. Sorry was hoping to think thru the Gores. I know nuttin' about 40 years.

To quote myself from another blog:
"I actually met Al 20 years ago or more in Nashville and he was a really nice guy!
I kinda think that like they said they've just grown apart.
When Al (who keep in mind has made hundreds of millions since 2000, and yes Virginia he really did invent the internet) comes home from the road, and rolls over and sees the Tipster snoring, he naturally wonders what good those 100's of M's could do for him if he were truly free to enjoy them instead of waking Tipper up to hear her say "You want to put that where?" "

Very good piece, Mary. I hate to see my friends divorce. And I know some of them did so over issues that were far from insurmountable. And I know some of them realized that only after the fact. But there's no benefit to poking and prodding around the reasons, from the outside. In fact, sometimes that can be downright unseemly. Glad you wrote this.

Wise words, Mary. Thank you for saying them.

The parting of the Gores is news not only because they are a celebrity couple, but also because they represent all the right despises about the left, and therefore their is a great deal of unseemly gloating.

To judge the nasty rtwng reaction fairly, I tried to imagine my reaction to the news that W and Laura had parted ways. I wouldn't be celebrating that breakup, but I surely wouldn't be surprised if a librarian had a hard time remaining with a crude buffoon who doesn't read.

In either case, that these partings would be such sweet sorrow for people of one political persuasion or the other is a black mark on such people, not the couples.

But beyond the political/celebrity aspect, the breakup is painful for those who to cling to the romantic illusion of the "perfect couple", and no couple was more suited to that role than Al and Tipper. But I can no longer hold such illusions, so this separation doesn't surprise me in the least.

You mentioned Meryl Streep, and it seems to me the movie Kramer vs Kramer was a textbook example of how things can go bad between to good people. Yes, it's complicated; I know, I've been down that path a time or two.

I've also witnessed countless couples who "stuck-it-out" but probably shouldn't have. People speak of a sense of duty, but where's the "honor" in staying together simply out of fear or merely habit? As someone once said, a rut is just a grave with the ends knocked out.

If you "normalize" divorce, you are normalizing people not living up to their word.

Or, we could be "normalizing" the recognition of the fact that people can sometimes change their minds or priorities, and recognize that it may no longer make sense to hold each other to every promise they made years ago.

Or, we could also be "normalizing" the recognition of the fact that we're not really in a position to judge other people's intimate relationships.

Besides, divorce is not the only instance of people "not living up to their word." Do you think married people stay infallible as long as they're married?

@Motherwell--My point wasn't that married people are infalliable for staying married or that divorced people are bad or anything like that.

It's that, if society thinks at the outset that divorce is OK because spouses "just grew apart," what the hell is the point of celebrating people getting married in the first place?

I think some people are desperately curious about why people are getting divorced in the hopes that they won't identify with the divorcing couple.

I don't have any married friends who are 100% sure that they would marry their spouses again. And some of them are wondering why they're staying married at all. So, when a marriage fails I think it makes some couples feel both vulnerable and insecure - and any reason they can latch onto as to why "you" are different than "them" makes them feel better.

RARoberts: I'm sure the media must be in a frenzy trying to figure out the WHY's...I remember the frenzy when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston divorced...so many people apparently were intimately acquainted with their marriage and of course Angelina Jolie was the "home wrecker". It's stunning really how people believe what they read in the media and make these kinds of judgments. Thanks for reading and commenting.

desert_rat: I have been divorced for over 11 years...happily remarried for almost ten (another story!)...but there are still cycles and waves of grief...especially around the holidays. Thanks for understanding.

Seer: Yes, I believe people want to know the gory details so they can feel better about themselves. Period. Thank you so much for your comment.

Deborah: Yes, that's the simplest way to say it!

Brian B: I hope it can be normalized because most people have enough good common sense, graciousness and compassion to know that two very well meaning people, who meant until "death do us part" when they made that vow, changed, shifted...something...to no longer be able to complete the vow. Either that, or we change the language in our wedding vows. I know plenty of people who commit in marriage but won't bind themselves into a realistic that apparently is very unrealistic. And, no surprise to me, they have some of the most successful marriages I know of.

Persephone13: I had that instinct too Persephone. I felt sad and mainly because it IS sad...even if it is the best thing for most of them. It's sad in that nostalgic way where you have to say goodbye to someone.

Just Cathy: Love your comment...a post in and of itself...

grif: Thank you grif for reading and your clear and honest comment :)

bobbot: Of course your curiosity is piqued...so is mine! There is a part of me that wants to know dammit. And then I tell myself, "none of my business". And I agree with you that public figures should be left alone, but hey, then People Magazine would go out of business! Thank you for such a wise comment.

Steven: Hi Steven! So nice to see you comment on a post that is not "American Idol"! And it all boils down to this, "Why not reach for it at 60-something than never reach for it at all?" You're right. Why not?

High Lonesome: I hear what you're saying, I do but I also think this. If someone needs reassurance that their own divorce wasn't a failure, then they have some work to do. Hearing what the reason for the Gore's divorce may resonate with them, but it certainly won't resolve it for them. Women historically take longer to find closure around their divorces than men and it is an organic process that takes a lot of time. And ultimately, every person who divorces needs to be resolved with it between themselves and themselves. External validation does not produce the permanent change that is needed. But that's just my opinion. I'd like to believe the good reasons you give for why people want to know, but it wasn't my experience. The dozens of people who contacted me during my divorce appeared "caring and concerned", but when they didn't get the dirty details, they disappeared. Your thoughts about marriage are ones I agree with. Thank you for such a thought provoking comment.

Skeptic: Well yes, they are complicated to the people and boring. boring, boring boring. Your last sentence I'm going to leave alone:)

motherwell: Great comment and for me, this part deserves repeating: "Perhaps we can just say they got married for certain purposes, their marriage served those purposes, and now their needs and priorities have changed. People do change as they grow up and get older; and too many people use "the institution of marriage" to hide from this often inconvenient fact, and believe -- or desperately pretend to believe -- that marriage means both spouses promise to stop growing or changing till death do them part." Amen.

Denise W: The divorce rate is highest after the children leave the nest, supporting the points you made in your comment. That's another story because it leaves a heavy burden for the children, knowing their parents were miserable but waiting for them to leave. And the question I always want to ask, "And exactly what were you modeling about marriage to your children when you lived for years in such misery?" Thank you.

Patricia k: I have yet to meet a couple or work with a couple who didn't work hard and agonize over the decision to divorce. "Divorce is just too easy" is tossed around like iceberg lettuce in the summertime. And frankly, I get sick of hearing it. You say, "Divorce hurts too many people". Why? Is it painful? Yes. It's a loss. Loss is a part of life, and any kind of loss, whether it is death, divorce, illness, employment, etc. is difficult and painful. We would do our children a disservice by giving them the tools to deal with these losses rather than pretend they don't exist. My four children (who are all in the twenties now) would tell you that their parents' divorce was one of the better things that happened to them...they learned to be more compassionate and empathetic because they thought it would never happen to them. And they chose to find the good in it and the other new people that have been brought into their lives. Research shows that it's not divorce that hurts children, it's the WAY that people divorce. I've witnessed my fair share of ugly divorces and the adults involved should be absolutely ashamed of themselves. You are right when you say that marriage is hard. It is, and obviously, I am committed to my marriage (as I was my first). The bottom line, no one going through divorce needs to be judged by it. It's not helpful.

Gabby: Yes, I wish them all the best too.

Kat: I agree that sometimes there isn't one answer, or even an answer that both parties would agree on. And like you, it feels sad but it may not be sad at all. That is our projection onto their situation.

Sally: I hate when people have painful and bitter divorces! Honestly, it's immature at best. I love that you've been married 28 years...my three best couple friends have been married for over 30. One of them lovingly and with good humor says, "Well yes, we've been married for 32 years but it's more like 10 failed marriages." She and her husband have a fantastic marriage and I know exactly what she means. I look forward to a HUGE post on your 40th anniversary :)

Roger: Love this, "it was a death of a million small cuts." Yes, true true. Now I have one more question that I'm almost afraid to ask because I want to be with my husband until my last breath, but why do couples who have been married like 50 years always seem so annoyed with one another????

Wordsmith: I agree with your question (if that's possible). It is none of our business, but look what a great conversation we are having about how it is none of our business!

rinnyguy: If your parents are happy, then I'm thrilled for you! Who wouldn't want that...the mom and dad in the house with the kids. Something I think I will grieve honestly for the rest of my life.

Jeanette: Thank you!

rrbill: Brilliant! You're right! Why can't men learn to load a dishwasher for gawd's sake. But it's like water torture...there's only so much a woman can take :)

aim: Yes, I agree...the "redefining relationships" is crucial.

Dahlia16: Hey, it sucks when you're the only person who has divorced in your family. I love that you point out it was the best thing for you and your ex and your children. There are people who find that blasphemous and that is ridiculous.

Kathy: There are so many painful ripple effects of divorce...and the friends thing is huge. In my case, I lost most of my friends and that sucked big time on top of the grief of my marriage ending. But it is part of the package and better for those who divorce to accept this rather than fight it. It's that damn human nature. People feel they have to pick a "side".

Blackflon: Great question!

FusunA: 3 years of shattering is tough but common and I'm glad you came out the other side!

mamoore: Thanks for reading and yes, High Lonesome made such great points.

Leeandra: Okay, may I be honest with you? You said, "if you're gonna promise to be married for better or worse, till death do us part, you better fucking mean it. If you "normalize" divorce, you are normalizing people not living up to their word." This is exactly the type of judgment I'm talking about. I read your words, and I could immediately feel that old sick feeling of disgust at myself for "failing". The Catholic guilt, the societal guilt, the guilt to what I was doing to my children...surely I could have been a good sacrificial lamb because staying true to my word, my vow I made as an innocent born again Christian at the tender age of 23 when I didn't have a clue as to who I was...that vow should take precedence over my own happiness, my ex's and the happiness of my children. Divorce, despite your strong desires, is being more and more accepted and I'm grateful for that. And you may want to consider the wise words of Joyce Brothers: "For some reason, we see divorce as a signal of failure, despite the fact that each of us has a right, and an obligation, to rectify any other mistake we make in life." If I'm sounding defensive right now, it's because I am. If we really want to start telling the truth, out of the 50-55% of people who choose to stay married "no matter what", I daresay that it is a small % of them who are actually happy. My oldest son recently asked me if I could name 5 couples who he knew growing up who were still in their first marriages who are truly happy and I couldn't, as hard as I tried, I couldn't. I do know a lot of couples who live in "comfortable misery" and that has never been appealing to me. I do appreciate you reading and being honest in your response.

alsoknownas: The main thing I got out of your comment is that you are in a very happy 30 year marriage, and since I'm a sucker for couples who are happily married after that many years, so I'm jealousing right now! Great comment.

elsma03: "Despite your divorce, you say, I still believe in love and marriage, but it's a long look. Meanwhile, I'm very happy living my own life on my own terms. Which is what "choice" is really all about." Yes! I do too which may seem contradictory and crazy, but it's not. Thanks for your comment.

zanelle: I had chills reading your comment...I loved it so much. You are the perfect example of what I am talking about. No one needed to be blamed. And now that you've seen "the rest of the story"...watching your ex and the things he has chosen (including new wife) must confirm your decision over and over, whether you need it to or not. And congrats on your new life.

Matt: On looking at that picture, the body language is very interesting. She is not leaning into him, but rather pulling ever so slightly away. As for reasons, who knows and not my business. As for the attorneys, this is my pet peeve. I practically get down on my hands and knees and beg my divorcing clients to please use mediators...I've witnessed more terrible horrible divorces when attorneys get involved. And no disrespect to them. They are representing their clients, but they are not family therapists and the damage they do by advocating in such adversarial ways does cause damage to the divorcing couples which streams into the children. And yes, we are intrigued by the divorces of famous people, but "normal" people are equally as intrigued when someone they know divorces.

Dear reader: I can only imagine how difficult this decision was for them...especially when they knew full well how even more visible their lives were about to come.

myles spicer: Well you comment would elicit too long a response for me. I accept your points, they are well taken. And I would also invite social researchers to study the more subtle damaging effects on children whose parents insist on staying together. Thanks for reading.

sueinaz: Me too!

MrPhotoguy: Would it be too insensitive to say congraulations? I know it sounds blasphemous but when I hear of someone getting a divorce, I congratulate them because I assume (something I usually try not to do) that it is ultimately in theirs and their children's best interest. Yes, wouldn't it be great if we could wave a magic wand and every married couple would be in continual bliss, but it just ain't reality and...reality always wins. I wish the best for you.

Jon: I'm laughing...

Joan: Love you! And thank you!

Lady Dove: Thank you!

Monsieur Chariot: You said, "A good, agreed-to and unshakable public statement can serve as an effective wall against the intrusion of looky-loos." Yes, yes! Because it is a little like the terrible car accident where everyone slows down to see, isn't it? Thank you so much for reading and your gracious words.

tracy davis: You're right..this post was about all divorced people. And reading your comment, my heart did ache for you. And I'm SO glad you eventually(and because this is such a death, a grief) were able to find humor in it and to do it so well..."My husband ran off with the nanny and god do I miss her"? Oh that's brilliant...is there a book? If so, I must read immediately. If not, please write it!

Wendy: I can't remember who said it, I wish I could remember, but I can't. But your comment reminds me of some famous woman who said that every one of her marriages was a good marriage, but she said it so much better than that, so if I can remember it, I'll let you know! All that to say, great comment...I loved it and I'm pretty sure you know plenty about a lot!

Fred: I'm laughing again.

Man Talk Now: Hey, haven't seen you in awhile! Good to see you! and thank you for reading and commenting. And you're right, it came be downright "unseemly." Thank you.

sweetfeet: Thank you!

Tom: I was so happy to see your comment! I've been out of the OS loop for awhile now (due to the twice a week AI posts and a busy practice) and I was thinking of you this morning wondering where you are and how you are. I loved your comment, another comment that could be a post in and of itself. Your ending line, "As someone once said, a rut is just a grave with the ends knocked out"...yes, thank you. It says so much.

motherwell: I of course agreed with your comment and I hope you see the quote by Joyce Brothers in my comment back to Leaandra. And it does beg your question, "Do you think married people stay infallible as long as they're married?" I mean, really, we aren't the Pope now are we?

Leeandra: You said, "It's that, if society thinks at the outset that divorce is OK because spouses "just grew apart," what the hell is the point of celebrating people getting married in the first place?" Does marriage really get reduced only to the part in the vows of "till death do us part"? Now that I'm older and wiser, I approach marriage ceremonies just a little bit differently, especially when the couple is young. I celebrate their beautiful and sincere INTENTION (I would do this in italics if I could figure this out, because I'm not trying to sound like I'm yelling at you) of love and commitment and I wish them all the best. And I feel strongly in friends being helpful to their friends and trying to be supportive of the marriage and there to support when their friends are going through difficult times (as every marriage will). And in my practice, because of the high rate of divorce the second time around (there is a 71% divorce rate if there are children involved), I work really really hard with couples in first marriages to help them avoid the difficulty of divorce and for most of them, remarriage. But your comment did sound judgmental to those who divorce and perhaps could have been said a little differently to reflect your true feelings. And I will say this again, I honor and respect my first marriage of 21 years. So many good things happened during the marriage and because of it. Your comment implies that I was not a person true to my word, and that is just plain offensive (if I were to take it personally, but honestly I don't...I know nothing about you).

knightwriter: Thanks for reading and as for your comment, I totally agree! Thank you.

Will: Now that is something I am curious about!

Excellent. Like anything, this is just another in a long line of situations where someone else makes a choice which mirrors our own lives and we aren't really asking about them, we are asking about ourselves. Whatever restrictions and limitations we put on our own humanity, we project onto someone else.

I cough this up to simply "none of my business" and wish them both wealth, health and prosperity. Their marital status doesn't define that for me.

Thank you for your thoughtful, always compassionate, insights into the human condition. It is cause for celebration whenever we shift in our evolutionary status.

You wrote "Now I have one more question that I'm almost afraid to ask because I want to be with my husband until my last breath, but why do couples who have been married like 50 years always seem so annoyed with one another????"

I plan on being with my wife until my last breath but since we're newly weds we're not annoyed with each other. That's a great question though. You see it time and time again. Maybe you should explore that question in your next post?????

Mary--I am sorry if I hurt you. It was not about you personally. It was not about anyone personally. I do not know you. I do not know anything about your marriage, your divorce, or the motivations behind either. Likewise, I do not know the Gores.

I'm sorry if there was any offense taken. None was intended.

I probably phrased things too bluntly because I was in a hurry. I am working on my own, much more lengthy response to this issue, which will be put up later on.

Leaandra: I appreciate your comment so much. If I was hurt or triggered, that is my deal and I own that. Yes, there was a sting...a remnant of the guilt and torture I put myself all those years ago (and still do at times). I think I do understand what you were trying to say...it is complicated...what does society do with an institution that is crumbling before its very eyes? Discard it? Reframe it? Stick it out? I don't know...and obviously I am a believer in marriage because I did it again! But I'm sure there were some rolling their eyes as our wedding (which is why I did not put in my wedding vows "till death do us part" because it seemed obviously hypocritical). If I was too blunt, my apologies. I have always enjoyed your comments so was kind of surprised at the strength of your position. Again, thank you. I appreciate you.

Wow, so well said. One of the most infuriating comments I've heard about divorce is that "it's the easy way out". Exactly what part of divorce do these self-righteous ignoramuses think is so easy?!?!? Whenever I hear people blame infidelity or what-not for the breakdown of their or others' marriage, I know they are, as you say, falsely making themselves feel better than, superior to, the rest of us.

As Patricia K noted, they announced that they were separating, not that they were divorcing. They also announced that they had grown apart (meaning separated) .

Perhaps they won't get divorced.

Would that be shocking?

Perhaps some things are actually simpler than they appear. That can be very hard to accept.

Mary-
My sister and I had this discussion the other day. I was shocked because they had been married for "SOOO long"... and she told me that perhaps BECAUSE they had been married for "SOOO long" they needed to separate.

We often forget that 40 years was an entire lifetime if not more than a lifetime when the vows "till death do us part" were first written.

I was inadvertently reminded that I met my ex-husband 16 years ago today and I think about how much different I am now from then... and that was only 16 years, not 40.

My only real question was why they waited until right after their anniversary to separate. A friend did the same thing right after his 20 year anniversary last year. Maybe it was to avoid all of the other holidays in the year, but that was the only part that seemed odd to me.

Mary,
Thank you for posting this. It's a breath of fresh air.
V

I totally agree with your thoughts, people do judge so fast to make themselves feel superior. Nobody knows the whole story except those who live it. As a friend said to me long ago, nobody knows what goes on behind closed door. When I have watched my friends divorce the pain I see is overwhelming and I know it could easily happen to me. Marraiage is so hard and those who love to judge should be careful because they could be next. Those who judge and condem others are usually hiding alot of problems behind their doors.

Mary, this is just outstanding!

"Is it so difficult for us to grasp that some marriages have a lifetime within a lifetime?" What a great way of putting it. Remove the moralizing and the penchant for finding dirt and marriage can actually be a rational and nurturing proposition. Rated.

Great post, Mary! I can't believe what a hard time that divorcing people get from others, especially other marrieds. My theory is that the marrieds shudder and think it might be them next. It's fear and insecurity.

I like what I saw a man write about his own divorce, which was that there were 4 versions of why he and his wife divorced: One in which it was all his fault, one in which it was all her fault, one in which it was equally the fault of both, and one in which it was no one's fault. And, he concluded, "They are all true."

(There's an article up at the NY Times right now with similar thoughts that I recommend as good reading:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/04/opinion/04bair.html?scp=1&sq=bair&st=cse)

"Is it so difficult for us to grasp that some marriages have a lifetime within a lifetime?" Having just come out of one that was only my choice by default, amen.

I don't have any trouble speculating about this because to me Al Gore was always a total phony. So I figure Tipper just finally figured this out or had finally had enough. I think a lot of people can learn from this -- and she's probably hoping you do too.

Nicely put, Mary. The stickiness of the old attitudes is truly mind boggling.

If asked, most people will say that divorce is now socially acceptable. And in general theory, maybe that's true. But in practical fact, most people regard being divorced as a sad and regrettable state, and look upon being married as a desirable and accomplished state. These attitudes persist regardless of the happiness of the people involved.

It is possible to lead a happy and normal adult life without being married, despite the fact that you will no longer be invited to dinner parties.

Glad I finally read this. It is not only charitable, but true. One of the reasons I've never married iwas the fear of getting divorced. 

I think it takes a lit of courage to get married and a lot of fortitude to stay married for forty years or four. I wish the Gores well as they go their separate ways. Maybe we need to re-think the whole 'till death do us part' vow and make marriage a contract that's subject to renewal or not. Rated 

While sometimes divorce is necessary, wedding vows are very strong stuff for a reason. True, many people aren't cut out for marriage. But then, why get married?

If what you mean isn't "For better or worse, till death do us part" but "Until I cease being fulfilled and want to do something else," don't take those vows. Don't get married. It's grossly unfair to the person you are making the vows with - who might actually mean them.

Just now going into college, to be honest, the idea of marriage is utterly terrifying. Society builds it up to such a freakish ideal that you feel as though its something everyone must do in order to be happy...The wedding, the dress, the cake, everything is glamorized. And then after the glitter finally settles, you're married. You had a beautiful wedding, now what? You did what everyone says your supposed to, and you should be happy...But are you? We focus so much on the glamour and the romance, do we ever pause to think about the actual relationship and the commitment? This coupled with divorce being both scrutinized and almost expected is simply depressing. But then, god forbid you don't get married, no one will give you a moments peace either way. I'm already exhausted and I'm only 18. I loved this article. Sometimes, I wish we had more rational people to pave the way for those of us who feel caught in between the cruelty and the supposed romance of it all...

Mary,
You have completely captured my feelings during my divorce and my feelings about the Gores.
In particular, I am sure there is still love between them; just not a love they can use to sustain being together.
I used to remind myself during the darkest days of my divorce that I had something NO ONE could take away from me: my dignity and humanity. And that's what the Gores have too.

I'm married and divorced twice. Both marriages ended because they didn't work, and had no hope of ever working... and by "work", I mean finding a place where both of us could be happy and fulfilled.

First marriage ended because he wanted kids and I didn't... that was the main reason, but it was also because there was just too much difference in what we both wanted out of life. He wanted the house, kids, suburban, picket fence kind of reality... I was in school working toward a degree, loved the urban life and didn't want kids. The Venn diagrams didn't overlap. And when we split up people were confused... who had the affair? Nobody did. But people didn't believe it... not even him. He wrote a letter to my parents telling them the reason we were splitting up was that I was screwing around... .something he invented in his own head to justify the end of the marriage. 15 years later and I'm still pissed at him about that.

Strangely enough, he's much happier now - remarried with 3 kids. But I'm sure he wouldn't give me any credit for letting him out of a marriage that didn't work so he could find one that could. :)

(Luckily second marriage's end was better. We're still great friends. ... better friends than we were when we were married. Go figure.)

And Mary... I just have to say that I love what you write on this topic. Stigmatizing divorce IS the reason miserable people stay married. Back in the day I was involved with someone like that... who stayed married "for the kids", but really because he would have lost all social standing if he divorced. So he's still in a completely unfulfilling marriage because the way the world judges divorcing couples doesn't allow you to negotiate a better solution.

People are supposed to select a life partner and a life career when they're in their late teens or early 20s, and then not have any opportunity to re-evaluate their decisions EVER. Really? Who among us knew ANYTHING about who they are at the age of 22? If you were lucky enough to make the right choice back then, good for you. But it really WAS luck, don't kid yourself. Getting married at 22 made sense when you lived to 55 or 60.. maybe. But not when we live to 75 or 80.

great piece with lots to think about and i'm sending to my newly divorced brother, from a 22 yr marriage rrr
i do hate that picture though i'm not fond of pda

I find it amazing that tipper stayed with that idiot this long. we should nominate her for sainthood.

That is one tough meditation and smart social play. Wisdom runs in the family, Mary. Excellent post. R

Well, you're just rocking and rolling again, aren't you, Ms. Mary? Could I kiss you for this:

"Is it so difficult to grasp that those who remain married, yet unhappy, do a terrible disservice to their children by modeling marriage as something one must endure, tolerate because “it’s best for the children”?"

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. YES.

How'd I miss this for two days? As a serial dirvorcee (and, like you Mary, someone who obviously believes in marriage) this occasion holds for me some interest, though not the prurient sort. It is a study, and you use it to raise some very interesting and important questions. If we will but think on those questions we perhaps will be able to reframe our social structure so it's more satisfying. "Staying together for the kids" satisfies no one. I doubt the Gores did that one. I think they're wiser than that. We do evolve, some of us, and of those who do in marriage, some evolve in parallel (what a wonderful gift) and some in different directions or at different rates. Marriage or one's spouse is often touted as an "anchor." Well hell, a cinderblock works well for that purpose, which I suppose is where the unkind term "ball and chain" originated. An anchor is just a big iron hook with a chain on it. Do we want to be "anchored" to where we plant ourselves in life?

You've given me some much needed relief and inspiration with this timely piece and I thank you, profoundly, for being so sane and clear and open. It makes a difference. It matters. Lots. Rated, too, of course.

Compassionate, constructive, wise and brave contribution to the understanding of a difficult experience. I will remember your very good advice if I am ever to bear witness to divorce; be compassionate, see the best, and mind my own business. Thank you.

Wow! you are one popular lady:)
I couldn't even get through all the comments there are so many.
You are a very succinct writer.
I too have been through a divorce, my marriage was private, my divorce was not. The Europeans have a great word for this phenomenon, schadenfreude. Meaning to derive pleasure from anothers misfortune, like the car accident that they All slow down to rubber neck at. I do think that this is a way to sistract the masses from the real issues. But isn't that what the pop media was created to do? Ironically We Americans 'hate' the pinko commies and the socialist capitalism haters, yet we live in a country that reminds me of 1940's Russia. Propaganda everywhere, disinformation and government spying on its own people...hmm makes you think.
Thank you for your insight, I'll be keeping you on my go to list;)

You're so right that there's all this judgment when people divorce. rated.

I'm glad you wrote this. Usually I don't pay attention to celebrity divorces (because I don't even know who the celebrities are), but I must confess, I was shocked by the Gore divorce. Now that I've had time to think about it (and read your post), my attitude is different. You put it perfectly: "The Gore’s divorce will never negate the union they had for forty years. It will not negate the love they once had (and possibly still do) and the family they created." Exactly. Cheers to the Gores. And cheers to you, Mary.