Since you want to get off & I want to get on - it gives me great pleasure to get back on the Stage & onto Salon's Platform! You see; I need to - I'm 5'0 Feet - 5'8 in Heels!
For those who don't know me - I opened up for Tony Albergetti, Louis Feldman & Charlie O'Brien. Oh, on Stage? Never mind!
It's the 1980's - Picture a smoky room, clinking glasses & an occasional Blender whirring Margarita's right as I get to the Punch Line!
But I don't have that here on "Salon - After Dark"; I have guys in Pajamas belching & scratching - or even worse - using one hand to scroll past my "Set Up"; to get down to the Money Shot!
Comedy Clubs then were a lot like they are now - but without "Weapon Detectors". Yes; we got away with murder!
You can believe or not believe - if any of my Act is true - as long as you laugh & remember -
"You only get what you pay for"!
But then again - I got some better stuff in the back of the truck! ha ha
***
There are a lot of men here. I love that. Let me take a head count 2,4,6,8!
I see you're all dressed up tonight - coats, ties, condoms!
Okay, Plan B!
My husband had 4 wives before me. I call them Grumpy, Sleepy, Sleazy & Dopey.
No, it's not easy being the 5th wife - after sex he calls out 4 other names plus his before he gets to me!
Sleazy comes over all the time. She says she's so embarrassed - one of her old boy friends recognized her at the Golf Course. After he hit the ball - he yelled, "Whore"!
My family doesn't know I'm doing this - they think I'm out selling Amway!
Sleazy thinks a "Stupid Pet Trick" is when she's necking in the back seat of a Volkswagen & her Garter Belt gets stuck in the Gear Shift!
She's something - she uses her old Diaphragm as a Trampoline!
I'm on a roll now!
For her, "Sex" is a 4 Letter Word: "Sure"!
I see I found the level of this crowd!
In school her Motto was "E Pluribus Uterus"!
At Christmas - who do you think started "Mistletongue"?
Do I go to your house & moan?
For God's sake - the music "Bolero" was her Wedding March!
Well, Sleazy has a Diaphragm that Talks!
Excuse me...Critiques!
This morning - she let me listen.
(cough, cough) "Hey, enough already with the Foam Machine - you could kill crops with this"!
"Oh no - here comes the Talking Dirty part I hate".
"Same ol' same ol'". "You're the 1st! Sure. Today"!
"And it's not Jack - it's Bob"!
"Oh no. The Telephone! Oh good - the Machine...
"Sleazy can't come to the phone right now, so leave your name & length when you hear the Tone"!
"Oh, I see ya...Jewish, yeah? It figures - 2 Condoms"!
(motions like a Trucker) "Okay. All the way back - plenty of room"!
"Save it Sweetie"! Look Thunder Thighs; let's face it - you're a "B" Actress...
you never had one ...never will"!
"AMATEUR"!
Thank you very much Salon - you've been a great audience!
** Exclusively for "Salon - After Dark" Just a few jokes from the early days. In my edgy Act I covered: Topical, Political, Celebrities, my fictional husband & never uttered an expletive! And really don't want to go back up there. Writing, in every possible form; suits me best!
® All Rights Reserved 2012 Marilyn Sands
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Comments
This reminds me of dark/night editor . . .
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I lost a few comment this morning `gin.
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Kerry 'ought' to explain why he's not noble.
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?
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Noble Laureate
uncertain whether he has
grandkids
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senyru - Robert H. Deluty
Robert (howdy) does good
I 'louse - up ' all the rules
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I do enjoy a goo giggle
All kidding aside, this post was funny. I love your line about not using profanity. It is so true. Too many comics these days rely on swear words to get a laugh. On the other hand, you showed us the funny (sans cursing).
R
And thanks for the mention of not cursing (for the sake of cursing) in my Act. It certainly was all around me. And on a daily basis; I could see when someone used those words - they got an instant laugh - but I never wanted to go there.