MAY 3, 2012 12:06AM

MY TEN NEW SUPERHEROES

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I was never much of a fan of the Superhero comic book/film/tv genre; maybe that's because I am not a dude and am also easily bored and irritated by fantasy conceits like unicorns, lottery-playing, Renaissance Faires, anything Comic Con, and organized religion. My sole true exception to this is Batman, of the Adam West "NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA BATMAN!" type, not the angst-ridden later-years derps with the ugly costumes and uglier Batmobiles. OK, I thought Silver Surfer was alright, but only because he looked cool and surfing is cool, and maybe Spiderman, but only the Tobey Maguire Spiderman because he was so adorable. That's it. But maybe I'd like Superheroes more if there were some new ones I could relate to who weren't blowing up CGI villains at 200 million bucks a shot every stupid summer. Here's a few I suggest go into development with Some Skullet-Headed Movie Guy With A Spray Tan Who Lives In Brentwood.

1. Expired-Milk Man: He dashes into homes to save people from the horror of taking an unintentional swig of soured milk.

2. Kotexia: Appears at the scene of menstrual mishaps with a discreet supply of pads and tampons. Crusades tirelessly for women of child-bearing age never to wear white pants in public.

3. Dee Ehm Vee: Has ability to alter time and reality to make desperate and anguished citizens waiting in line at the DMV believe they have only been at the facility for 10 minutes. Wins Nobel Peace Prize.

4. The Student Loan Forgiveness Fairy: Waives a pink pen, and permanently transfers billions of dollars of crushing student loan debt to the Koch Brothers.

5. Skrill-Axe: Appears with golden axe to destroy any boombox or loud vehicle blaring Skrillex in public. Beloved.

6. Doo-Man: Delivers any errant dog dumps back to the doorsteps of misguided, civically-disrespectful canine owners, wrapped in Eternal Flames That Can Never Be Stamped Out.

7. Grouperman: Gathers up all your local savings deals in one email, rather than 50 per day.

8. Snidely Criblash: Goes to the overblown, over-decorated, extremely tacky homes of multi-millionaire celebrities, sells all their crap to a sheik in Dubai, and then gives the money to homeless shelters.

9. Catty-Woman: Makes whispered, painfully horrible and funny comments about other women in public dressing rooms. Feared by all, but respected.

10. Binky Boy: Ends national-disgrace Congressional filibusters by inserting pacifiers covered in Krazy Glue into the mouths of Rotten Republicans.

I await patiently the 2013 summer movie season.


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