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APRIL 14, 2014 9:56AM

Walkin' The Dog

Usually I perform my dog-walking duties around my neighborhood, late at night. There’s not much variation involved.  Even when I take different streets it all looks the same: the houses, the lawns, the fire hydrants, like a cartoon chase where the background scenery keeps repeating itself.Read full post »

The first time I encountered an erect penis was on a summer night when I was nine years old.  The penis belonged to the boy next door which makes it sound kind of wholesome.  And considering other first-time penis experiences I’ve heard since then, maybe it was.

The only timeRead full post »

APRIL 4, 2014 11:30AM

Get A Job

Lately it seems like I’m being bombarded from all directions with stories about people who can’t find jobs.  The newspaper, the radio, the TV –  it’s turning into a job just forcing myself to grin, bear and try to duck all the sad sack tales of whiny folks who couldRead full post »

MARCH 30, 2014 2:56AM

American Psycho

My daughter Mariclaire recently got cable and internet at her house. I had mixed feelings about this when she called to tell me the intoxicating news. In fact I could barely understand her at first.

“You’re not drunk are you,” I said.  “Because you sound drunk.”

SRead full post »

MARCH 21, 2014 1:43PM

Self-Storage or My Life In Stuff

There are definitely speedier and less costly ways to discover painful, unpleasant truths about yourself than paying $173.00 per month for the privilege of renting the equivalent of a one-car garage. Then again, I wasn’t expecting to take a journey to the center of my psyche when I signed an agRead full post »

MARCH 13, 2014 2:46AM

Kids These Days

When I was a kid…

I’ve always zoned out as soon as that yawn-inducing phrase comes out of someone’s mouth.   It sounds so pompous.  So sanctimonious.  So holier-than-thou.  Oh right, times were tougher, kids were raised differently, rules meant something,Read full post »

One Sunday night a couple of years ago I found myself at the crossroads of Bitterness and Despair. At the center of the intersection was my television. I was about to smash the cable box and spray paint NEWTON N. MINOW WAS RIGHT! across the screen.

For me televisionRead full post »

My first thought, when introduced to my new co-worker at the insurance call center where I worked was: “My God, he could pass for Ted Kennedy’s supersized twin brother.”  I couldn’t stop staring at him.  If  Ted Kennedy was cloned, inflated to an alarming degreeRead full post »

FEBRUARY 6, 2014 12:42AM

My Upcoming Near-Death Experience

I’ve limped one step closer to having my torn meniscus repaired/removed/replaced or whatever doctors do with a bad meniscus. Today I scheduled knee surgery for March 6th.

The most exciting thing about it is that I’ll be completely anesthetized.  This came as a delightful shock to meRead full post »

JANUARY 30, 2014 1:47AM

PCDS Sufferers: You're Not Alone

My 13-year-old daughter Dianna is currently suffering from post-concert depression.  Last Friday her big sister took her to see Panic at the Disco and she’s been in a deep funk ever since.   She can’t listen to their music right now (it’s too soon), she can’t taRead full post »

JANUARY 23, 2014 3:27AM

I Have A Hunch

Polar Vortex Part Deux didn't stop the 2014 March For Life Rally according to their website.

What a relief because deep freeze or not, someone has to remind the government that a lot of those potential saved fetuses are going to need Obamacare.  The marchers have to be the voicesRead full post »

JANUARY 13, 2014 1:28AM

The One That Got Away. Again.

Love, like life, often happens when you’re busy making other plans.  This is unfortunate because how are you supposed to be ready for love if you’re not planning for it?  It’s serious business; I don’t like to be caught off guard, especially for something as profoundRead full post »

JANUARY 4, 2014 1:14PM

Today's Toothless Youth

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=teeth+cage+the+elephant&sm=1 

Kids these days.  What’ll they do to themselves next.  Tattoos everywhere. Bizarre hair colors.  Giant holes in their earlobes, some so big you could train a small dog to jump through them.  ARead full post »

DECEMBER 26, 2013 1:23AM

My Favorite Christmas Song

From Thanksgiving on, I can hardly stand the anticipation leading up to my favorite day in  December.  Every vicious diagonal black mark I slash on my calendar means I’m one day closer to that magical date at the end of the month, the one I’ve circled multiple times in blood-redRead full post »

DECEMBER 21, 2013 11:33AM

I Need To Find The Perfect Present, Pronto

Christmas is now less than four days away, as the reindeer flies.   This means it’s almost time for me to think about Christmas shopping.   

I’m the kind of shopper retailers love: the person who charges wild-eyed and frantic through their doors at ten minutes to closRead full post »

Yesterday I learned an important lesson.  I learned the true meaning of Thanksgiving.  It’s not about stuffing yer gut on turkey and ‘taters.  It’s not about sulking because your 80-year-old mother got the last piece of sweet potato pie (seriously, does she even haveRead full post »

NOVEMBER 18, 2013 10:21AM

Joint Pain

My meniscus is torn.  This vaguely reminds me of a riff on an old joke:  Before I saw the doctor I never even heard of a meniscus.  Now I have a torn one.  It’s really not so funny though.

The meniscus is a little piece of cartilage or tissue orRead full post »

NOVEMBER 11, 2013 9:58AM

Behind Closed Doors

The first floor of my house is gone.  Sort of. I’m getting new floorcovering and last Friday the contractor ripped out all the ugly builders grade sheet vinyl along with the vast wasteland I used to call Love Canal, aka the carpeting.  He started to lay the new floor but heRead full post »

OCTOBER 30, 2013 2:43AM

An Etiquette Dilemma

The most surprising thing to me about the Ladies Home Journal etiquette dilemma column by Peggy Post which is a monthly feature of the magazine is that people actually email her (I guess that’s acceptable etiquette now; not so long ago email was the height of gauche) about their dilemmas inRead full post »

OCTOBER 21, 2013 3:07AM

The Allure of a Scapegoat

Tomorrow I’m going to Home Depot to pick out floorcovering.  Finally.  The flooring in my house is so bad, it’s bordering on being a biohazard.  I knew it was time to think about replacing it when I started toying with the idea of keeping a pogo stick by the front doorRead full post »

OCTOBER 15, 2013 1:13AM

Why Can't They All Just Get Along?

Anyone who might still believe the silly fantasy that girls are sugar and spice and everything nice hasn’t spent any time around a contemporary American 13-year-old girl.

The species is typically feral, unpredictable, foul-mouthed, two-faced, ear-splittingly loud and demanding.  And almosRead full post »

It’s too bad dogs have fur.  If they didn’t it would be so much easier to see the fleas.  If you could see the fleas you’d keep the dogs on flea prevention medicine all year long and wouldn’t be able to get away with telling yourself they were suffering from seasonalRead full post »

SEPTEMBER 30, 2013 3:53AM

Damned For All Time?

Regardless of what you believe or don't believe about him, Jesus Christ makes for a fine role model.  Striving to be Christ-like doesn’t have to mean walking on water either.  Turning the other cheek, acting with humility, doing the right thing, exhibiting compassion – living liRead full post »

SEPTEMBER 21, 2013 4:38AM

What Did Jesus Know

For a long time, I’ve had a rather thorny problem with Jesus.  It’s something I’ve harbored for many years, a nagging issue with the man/son of God that I’ve kept to myself.   Once, I had the opportunity to ask a priest about it but I didn’t because I thouRead full post »

SEPTEMBER 15, 2013 4:24AM

What I Miss Most

The reason I love a pedicure (and I’m talking about the full-on pedi which involves the sea salt rub followed by a hot towel wrap) has nothing to do with how great my tootsies look when it’s over.  It’s because it feels so darned good.  Having my feet and legs massagedRead full post »