This is a reposting, intended with respect for Kinkade's memory even though his persona was ripe for satire.

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You've probably seen the magazine ads. There’s a village with all the houses fac… Read full post »

 

Being female is a load of hurt. 

    That’s all I could think as I listened to my sister rant, looping through her repeating list of complaints she had about her ex-husband, our parents, her sons, and her neighbors. I tried not to seem alarmed… Read full post »

I have a confession to make. When I was nine, I misrepresented myself
to a United States congressman and profited from it.

I should preface this by explaining that in those days I was the odd
kid talking to the trees at the edge of the playground. I was what polite adults… Read full post »

Notes from staff meeting in November, after calculating the estimated hourly salary of all present and concluding that the money could be better spent on an AIG-style retreat:

There is no excuse on earth for devouring anyone’s time this way. For the love of Pete, set us free.

Time to/… Read full post »

 

Posted at the behest of mikelkpoet:

 I ate BOTH quesadillas in the Smart Ones box for lunch yesterday, mostly because it made me mad that the instructions on the box said (it is a Weight Watchers product, remember)  "Remove one quesadilla. There are two servings in this pack… Read full post »

Let's hope that on November 5, we all still feel connected to the rest of the country.

That was the hardest part about the elections in 2000 and 2004--the feeling that I must have been out of step and in disagreement with so many people around me and just didn't… Read full post »

When I woke up, I was a bird. I pulled my beak out from under my wing and looked around.

Well, this is a fine thing. The last thing I remember was begging my husband to pull the ridiculous tube out of my throat. I couldn’t talk. I was/… Read full post »

The little brick house was a rental. Beryl had ridden by it on her bike since she was twelve, when she first disobeyed and left the neighborhood and developed an intricate route she pedaled most summer mornings, early enough to see the milk truck still delivering to a few houses and… Read full post »

 

 

When the alarm goes off at 5:45 a.m. (Actually, it goes off 5:35 a.m., which I remember after a beat, so it doesn’t really make me get up any earlier.) my first thought is usually something about how wrong it is to force my body out of… Read full post »

 

 

You've probably seen the magazine ads. There’s a village with all the houses facing a winding canal instead of a street — sort of a miniature Venice, without the pigeons.

It is dusk. Old-fashioned gas streetlamps line the canal and golden lights glow in the windows of… Read full post »

Thomas the turkey broke his wing.

I found him on his back, stunned and not able to turn over. He was holding his head at a funny angle, and my first thought was that he might have broken his neck.

I helped him roll over, and he stood right… Read full post »

We had kittypalooza on the front porch this summer--two litters! Plus piglets, goslings, and chicks that turned out to be 80% roosters. Country life is not always as quiet as you may have been led to believe.

“And now, ladies and gentlemen…JESUS H. CHRIST!!!”

The spotlights swirl around the stage while the band plays the theme from “Jesus Christ Superstar.” Jesus enters from the left, arms spread wide. His hair is cut in a feathered short ‘do, and he sports a neatly tri… Read full post »

Rebelling against me should involve wearing kelly green and pink with pearls, investing in Big Oil, voting Republican, eating meat, and vacuuming.

Instead, rebellion has manifested itself in my house as a penchant for eyeliner, facial piercings that have to be removed before visiting gr…

Read full post »

  I’ve finally figured out my dream job. I want to be a mystic. I’m not good at it, but maybe that will give me credibility with other amateurs. I can’t meditate without worrying about whether I turned off the coffeepot. I can’t go on sabbatical because I don’t… Read full post »

 

I went to traffic court for a speeding ticket.

Court is like the DMV: it’s a place full of people I don’t see anywhere else. I sat there trying to look respectable and innocent and wishing that I’d taken more time with that. The fluorescent lights are not flattering.

The police offic… Read full post »

My dad died.

The idiot cancer treatments--for a symptom-less cancer that he wouldn’t have known about if idiot doctors hadn’t obligated him to “follow-up visits” for more scans and tests to dig up a condition to treat--finally killed him. From the very first diagnosis, they&r… Read full post »