- March 05
- I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye.
I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way.
I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...
MY RECENT POSTS
- On My Birthday
March 05, 2015 08:39AM
- A Short Thought
January 30, 2015 08:32AM
- My Mask is Slipping
January 13, 2015 05:07PM
- Holding on to the Last Rung
with one Pinky
January 03, 2015 05:52PM
- Considering Life
December 31, 2014 03:37PM
MY RECENT COMMENTS
- “Beautiful, your words,
the pictures all
March 06, 2015 09:41AM
- “Thanks all, for the
comments on my sister's post
mine...I can truthfully
March 06, 2015 08:57AM
- “There are cupcakes and
ice cream waffle hot fudge
March 05, 2015 10:34AM
- “Zanelle, Thanks I am
happy to inspire
Boanerges1, I like
that, smile and keep
March 05, 2015 09:00AM
- “I always swear I won't
cry when I read your birthday
but then I always
March 05, 2015 08:32AM
Lunchlady 2's Links
- MY LINKS
Today I turn 62, just a number in my mind, it doesn't make me who I am, it is just how long I have lived.
I haven't been here for awhile because I realized sometimes what I write scares my children and while they want me to still write I needed… Read full post »
I have been thinking, for awhile now to write a sort of book, a book that would help people, help people going through someone dying.
Folks don't realize the ups and downs, the tubes and questions, the reality of death and dying.
My thought was to use some of my stuff… Read full post »
This coming Thursday the 15th would have been my Joe's 43rd birthday and for some reason this one is hitting me hard...
I didn't realize how hard until I realized everyone at work has been asking me whats wrong. This morning the girl that comes in an hour after me told… Read full post »
Trying hard to climb back, rung, by rung, but death seems to need me to finish things I don't want to finish, seems to need me to help let others go, others I love with all my heart and it is getting much harder to hold on to this ladder of… Read full post »
I talk to myself ( a lot) even my girls at work have mentioned it. I talk to my Zena Bear as we take our everyday last walks together and she never wants to stop, her endurance so slow but her heart still thinks she is willing. I have to physically… Read full post »
Seems my Zena Bear is on what the vet calls "hospice care" her heart is enlarged and she has liquid here and a mass there but at between 13 to 15 years of age it would do no good to look into what these are.
I keep her on pain medicine,… Read full post »
This morning I was going to edit my profile picture on Facebook to the picture taken the year my son and his love had their first Christmas tree, I was excited to see it up and them together and remember how happy he was at that time...
I open Facebook to… Read full post »
I have been trying for at least the past week to clear my head, to chase away the memories that haunt my every day.
The last time I really talked to my son, the computer, the airplane video, the mom, look I made it, look at me, I am not a… Read full post »
If only wishes were real, if just because you wish it, you had it, what lessons would we learn...are we supposed to learn lessons?
Are we supposed to grow and learn and care for others, are we here to learn respect for nature and life, will there come a time, when… Read full post »
Sorry I haven't been around much, I miss you all but life just keeps getting in the way.
The other day my son's love put up a picture on Facebook, she was standing alone, looking healthy, happy and she was smiling.
For some reason that picture made me cry, my son… Read full post »
Here it is October once again, a time of seasons that seem to hurt my heart more with each passing year. I am at a point where the holidays are just reminders of what has been lost, not joy or happiness but sadness and pain.
I recieved a call from my… Read full post »
This year Fall has just barely shown its true colors and already I am missing my son, that does not bode well for the rest of the season.
I find myself in constant conversations with myself, talking myself out of what I am thinking, at the same time, trying to talk… Read full post »
It seems when I am very, very tired, after a hard week of work, I find myself feeling like a small child and all I want is to be able to lay my hand in anothers, for them to say they will take the wheel for awhile, they will answer the… Read full post »
I vowed not to turn the TV on today until I wrote something. I have realized I bury all thought, all feeling inside a program that I couldn't even tell you what it was about, after watching it.
My second husband was fond of saying I was scattered out like a… Read full post »
He showed up at my door sometime last week, as I opened the door so many emotions crossed over my head, my heart, but I knew what I had to do.
R stood there, looking at me like, well here I am what happens now, I kept him at the… Read full post »
I am going to go up to my sisters, it was either today or tomorrow, only today, when I got up, my old girl Zena Bear was acting strange so I decided to stay home and go tomorrow.
All that leads me to what my sister said about our family being… Read full post »
I guess I have been in shut down mode, even now I don't feel the urge to write, I mean it is not "pouring" out of me as it does most times I write, but it is more of a damn girl get these feelings out on paper...
My Navy son… Read full post »
That's who I am, a woman who has been formed by men into a simpering, whimpering, shell of who she is...
I don't know if it started with dad, trying to please a man who would never be pleased, it seems to follow me around like a dog on a leash. … Read full post »
I don’t know where this is all of a sudden coming from but, out of the blue, I have decided to take responsibility for my own life.
No prince charming is going to swoop in and clean my yard, fix my house, take care of me…and surprisingly, to… Read full post »
Today is my sister's birthday and we have been doing this for longer than I can remember, this year I was struggling with coming up with something different and this morning it came to me....
Let me intrduce my loving, strong, incredible, sister Suzie!
Okay then maybe I won't...damn thing won't… Read full post »
I have to admit, it was nice having someone who made me laugh, talk, cry and feel again in my life. I thought all I was, had been shut down for good.
It did bother me that his main premise was sex or rubbing something, or showering together, I mean hell… Read full post »
That's all she wrote folks my first love stopped calling me on Wednesday and refused to answer my calls back, even unfriended me on Facebook, he finally answered his phone this morning and I found out why this has happened...
Seems, he feels, I live in the past, that I focus… Read full post »
I am still talking to my first love but I find my emotions keep changing, keeping me confused.
As we talk, one day I feel his voice surround me with love and the next I worry about what will happen when we meet again in person and I pull back. Needless… Read full post »
I stood outside today, forcing myself to replant a few geraniums' that had been killed by the freeze Cali had, as I stood there I swear the world stopped for a minute and I remembered all my children running through the spring, the summer and how loud and happy they… Read full post »