Sorry friends I tried sitting down to watch a movie, change how I was feeling but it didn't happen and this came spilling out. Please don't feel the need to comment, I had to set it all free and this is how I had to do it...

Is it okay to comment anyway?
R

Let the tears flow my friend, let them flow.

Yes you may comment I just know the same I am sorry gets hard for folks and I do want support I guess or I would close comments so hell...

Its okay to voice your pain

i remember you. you were always nice to a gnome.
my condolences.
r

Told ya friend, we're here reading by choice ;).

So if you don't want comments of love and support you'd best close the function 'cause you're gonna get 'em.

Rated for but I know you do and you won't and it's alright.

You didn't let him go. You are still holding him tight in your heart. I am so very sorry for all this pain. You are doing the best you can.
r./

my darling girl...it is okay to let it out. Much love. R for you.

Don't worry, this is something you need to vocalize. Keep on writing, it will help you deal with this.

LL, my sister who is a kind of Lunchlady herself, in her way :-) lost her eldest when he was 21.
She too had a worse-than-usless husband, but a family like yours who were there for her.
She misses her Andy terribly, every moment. What she did, though, was to make him into a magpie. As Native Americans & Australian Aboriginals have totems, Wendy has a magpie. The reason why a magpie is between her & Andy, I guess. I never asked.
The magpie here is a black & white bird with a beautiful song.
At lunch with her recently, we were sitting outside, & sure enough, a magpie landed on the railing behind me.
Wendy said, "Here's Andy."
I turned around, & the bird broke into song.
There are magpies everywhere in Sydney. Andy is all around her, always.

Kim, I know I had the hawk swoop over my head one day at home which is not usual and I know when they were almost extinct here
because of DDT that my son and I talked about them all the time and I know he will come to me as a bird as my baby comes to me as a small bird with a black head but I can't pull the name out of my troubled mind right now. I will focus on the hawks especially as I get some gas in my truck and get out of here to go sit by the water...Thank you for sharing your sisters story with me, it helps to know it is survivable and I will always miss him but it may hurt less with time.

This horror we share: We miss our sons. Unbelievable sorrow. Who would ever imagine their children dying before them? As we cry each day we know that they are, each one, still with us and we carry them like babes. I am so sorry for your pain.

Scylla, as I am so sorry for your loss, somedays it just seems so hard and then some days I only cry for awhile...but we keep going don't we.

Sweetie, you know I love you beyond love.

We all need people to talk to from time to time, and it is your time love.

Time to scream and cuss and yell.
Go talk to someone, get some help.

We love you on here, but you need to talk to a professional.

No shame in it at all.
I'd be doing the same thing.

I am your friend, and I want you to go get someone to talk to..face to face.
I have no right to say this, but I am doing it anyway.
Go do it.

Oh, good. Thank you for letting us comment here today.

I just know you'll get through it. First years are always hardest. I haven't lost a child, but I'v had my losses in life, untimely losses, some of them. Young people, all men, all under 35. 3 died in one year. That was a really rough year. One of the 3 was a very, very special friend of mine. Somehow, I feel he's still with me, Sometimes I think of him for no apparent reason. Somehow, it comforts me. I get a feeling he's been there for me before. In his loving way, I'm sure he does for me what he can.
That hawk was your son's pride in himself showing you who you are. You are important in this life. You contribute in ways small and big to this world. So many of us love you because you have a loving heart. Your son knew this, and I feel is there for you, even though you may not see him or hear his voice.
Blessings, dear Terri

Don't be sorry for setting this free. You set it free well, in a good place, through your voice and here in your community of writers. I am sorry that life is so unfair. My own throat aches with pain for yours. Everything you wrote reflects your courage to feel the pain, your wisdom to recognize the need to grief and release it, you great love that allows you to explain to your lost son the need to cry and to let him fly onward. You are a wise and loving woman and mother and I sit in homage to you and in sympathy to your grief.

JD, I have been thinking about it and need to see if my insurance covers it. I am not ready to sit in a room with others who have lost children yet...it is too soon. My psychologist retired, the one I used for my baby, and I don't know that he can ever be topped.
I appreciate your honesty you know that I hope...

Hope what LL?

This needs to happen. Check that insurance and let me know...ok?

JD, I will give them a call on Monday or swing by work and pick up my folder, we changed insurance this year and I just never sat and checked and the information is sitting on my desk still. I hope that you understand that I understand that you understand...that you are free to say anything.

Good.
Then let me say this.
All the best intentions and wonderful comments in the world may simply not be enough of what you need.
Do NOT depend solely on OS to get support.
Visit with us...love us....chat with us...we are your family.

But you my friend are going to get some real help now. I am going to be pushing you. You are going to have to answer to me.
Ok?

I wish I could take away your pain but I know I can not. But I can send good thoughts your way so I will.

Oh dear, Terri. I can't imagine the depth of pain that comes with losing not only one child but two. I have a friend who lost her only two sons in the one tragic accident some years ago and then, as now, I just can't imagine. I'd like to think that we help in some way, Terri ... by listening and giving a shoulder to lean on ... but sometimes I wonder if I could do more. I wonder if I should try and encourage you to talk to someone face to face? I wonder if I have the right to even suggest such a thing? I wonder that if I am any kind of friend at all, shouldn't I perhaps encourage you at least? I don't know ... but I wonder. You know?

Terri, my heart pours out to you.

I love you, friend.

Terri, I see what JD has asked. It seems like he and I are on the same page. As a friend here, I would like to encourage you to listen to him. Would that be okay with you?

It is okay all I think this is why I hesitate sometimes to really write my soul and skirt the issues a bit. But it is time to realize my son is gone, he is not coming through the door and he is in my head 24/7. Yes I admit I need help but I have a wonderful Dr who will use her talents to get me into someone after I check my insurance. I will not even need to go and see her she knows my story. So rest assured I am/I will be okay I just really, really hurt...

I hear you.
Sorry to be so pushy.
Just caring is all.

I pray you will feel better soon.

It's nice to know someone cares, it's nice to have you as a friend, all of you as friends and not be so alone in the world. I don't mind pushy as (promise not to tell) I can be extremely hard headed at times :)

I'm glad you set it free. I get it while not getting anything but the mourning.

Terri, I don't want you to hesitate at all in writing here ... in reaching out in whatever way you can ... so I hope I haven't discouraged you in any way.

I care about you, Terri. A lot.

I am so sorry sweet heart, you cry when you need to cry. There is no over it or around it, there is only through it. It is reality but it's an unnatural one, you were supposed to go first, not your child.

I'm glad you're going to talk to someone, there may be something helpful to you and you've carried enough alone too long. Love and comfort to you.

Little Kate, NO you have never discouraged me I seem to have no censor, for the most part, and it just spills out so do not worry, you have done nothing amiss!

Terri, from one mum to another ... I really can't imagine what this is like for you ... this hell that you are going through ... just know that I do care about you and just want to help in whatever way I possibly can.

My love to you.

Hoping for healing and peace for your soul, dear Lunchlady.

I cannot pretend that what I can comment can repair any of the damage. I lost a brilliant son about 16 years ago and the pain is somewhat muted but still punishingly strong. I am quite old and the price for that is that everybody you knew and felt for dies before you. Life is precious for you and everybody else and it is a gift to be treasured as it will inevitably disappear. Use it while you can and make the most of it. There is always something to be grateful for in being alive. Most of the universe is dead. You are alive. That is something marvelously unusual.

((((Hugs))))

I still remember taking that top picture, & I love that one on the bottom of the two of you. We "visited" Joe today & left some flowers -- the Raiders stickers are still there, he has a couple of new "neighbors" -- The boys lean against the gravestones like it's the most natural thing in the world -- 9 & 5 they already know way too much of cemeteries & memorials & people crying & pretending to be okay. It still doesn't seem real to me that he's gone, but we walked the trail behind the cemetery & even the boys thought of Grandma walking that trail at night under starlit skies, the trail empty of everything but deer & raccoons, fox & possum. We imagined Mom/Grandma out there, dragging Joe along for another walk beneath the oaks, beneath the moon, pointing out every still-living creature, becoming the wind. Keep setting it free, let it spill, let it in.

I went to see Dad on Father's Day and he said he doesn't need to go to the cemetery every day now. Mom passed after we had all left for the day, too, which was hard for Dad, but what she needed to do.

Glad your going to a counselor. I can't get Dad to go.

a virtual arm hold...I care.

Tears speak for you when word cannot...let them flow...

oh LL , i have zero doubt you will make it through this.
To the other side.
"How could he be that sick and I not know? "
Easy.
i was utterly disfunctional,chronically depressed, for , like 15 yrs
til someone in my family
not my mom
said , "he has problems'.....

Denial is the thing. we cannot bear what is true.
It takes many forms.

Time to get spiritual. Oh, sure, get a 'professional', but make
sure she knows her stuff.

time to get spiritual. there IS and invisible world beyond us, yet in contact. I have no idea how it works. Maybe...and i love this idea...
maybe no one knows, even those
in the invisible world.

many moments of mystic rapture have convinced me
empirically,
experientially, of the fact
that all the very best great thinkers say:
"something is happening here
but you don't know what it is..'

signs. wonders. your homework, lady!

oh LL , i have zero doubt you will make it through this.
To the other side.
"How could he be that sick and I not know? "
Easy.
i was utterly disfunctional,chronically depressed, for , like 15 yrs
til someone in my family
not my mom
said , "he has problems'.....

Denial is the thing. we cannot bear what is true.
It takes many forms.

Time to get spiritual. Oh, sure, get a 'professional', but make
sure she knows her stuff.

time to get spiritual. there IS and invisible world beyond us, yet in contact. I have no idea how it works. Maybe...and i love this idea...
maybe no one knows, even those
in the invisible world.

many moments of mystic rapture have convinced me
empirically,
experientially, of the fact
that all the very best great thinkers say:
"something is happening here
but you don't know what it is..'

signs. wonders. your homework, lady!

Oh, my dear, tears are welling up in my eyes. I wish you strength and healing. xox

P.S. The photo of your son at age one is gorgeous. What a happy boy!

Thank you for putting into words what you are feeling. What a handsome, vital young man!!! So so so so sorry.

He is everywhere you are, LL. Whenever I've lost a loved one, I look everywhere and that's when I realize any place I go their love is a constant with me. If I happen to see a yellow butterfly nearby me today, I will ask this messenger's assistance in setting you free from your unrelenting grief.

Dear Lunchlady - when one goes through what you have, it is only normal that the emotions come and go like a tsunami in unexpected moments. Just when you think you are able to cope and move on, you get hit by another gigantic wave. Only time, and much more than seven months or a year or two it will take. One never gets used to the idea, one only starts developing a scab over the wound and the wound itself doesn't sting as much, but it is always there. Allow yourself these feelings, and let your tears flow. Hugs to you in understanding.
R♥

Congrats on the EP, LL2!
You deserve every bit of glory this gives you!
:)

Its ok to let it out, for if you keep it all bottled up you will go insane. Even if its things we have already heard, get it out, one day at a time sweet friend, one baby step and day at a time. Prayers and hugs going out to you.....HUGS

Keeping good thoughts for you.

I understand the worry about the insurance coverage, but most churches have free bereavement support groups. If yours doesn't, you should get the head dude to start one. You'd be surprised how many people would come. I have tremendous faith in you.

*hug* and a cup of tea. Grieve all you want and need. You are in my thoughts.

You've been through such misery and enduring too much loss. It is good anytime you express it here. I can only hope time does something to mute these feelings.

I can't even imagine how one would deal with this pain. My heart, prayers and hugs to you...

I will be joining J.D. and Little Kate and any others here who have said they will nudge you toward getting professional help, LL2. Although I am not a big fan of support groups for myself (I prefer one-0n-0ne therapy) I have known many who have found groups to be just the ticket. Explore your options and then choose one.

Lezlie

I am at work today trying to fix one of my programs and came by here for a minute and was surprised to see an EP! At least maybe I can go out in "stlye"...I want to thank you all for your love, your support, this is going to be a long hard road it seems and like Fusun says "the emotions come and go like a tsunami in unexpected moments" and she is so right. I will keep writing it out, I realize now this is why I was stuck, why I couldn't write, because I was afraid to go here, to say these words and now that I have I hope I keep heading towards a healing path as my son would have wanted. Do I wish I could have gone with him...yes...will I go and floow him...no...I have too much to live for, too many who need me so no worries. I will be looking into some kind of counseling, I prefer one on one so will see where that takes me....Thank you all.

I lost my father when I was ten. My mother died 31 years later. They were both hard in different ways. In my 34 years as a nurse, I have witnessed the grief of sudden death and the misery of long drawn out suffering death. The most profound grief I have seen is the death of a child (and at his age he was still your child). I helped when a dear friend lost her first born before the age of two. How did I help? Well, I and some other friends took turns at the house making the parents drink fluids, eat a little and bathe....yes me made them take showers. They were so stunned they could not function. We sheltered them from people they were not ready to see and got them dressed to go to the funeral. It has been 14 years and I remember every thing quite vividly.....I cannot imagine how hard is is for them. Seven months is not near enough time for you to accept and cope with this grief. Maybe you do not want to talk in a group.....but maybe a counselor can find one other mother who can help you. I wish you peace in your heart...but you need more time.
Some people say at least a year....but you must do this in your own time.

LL2....from one bereft mother to another. Our loss is unbearable. But we do bear it....because it was part of the job. Raising them, loving them and losing them and cherishing their memories. Part of our job. Scream out loud if you will. I will hear you.

I'm so sorry for your loss...and you write about it so movingly. What a beautiful boy you had. My heart goes out to you.

I'm so sorry, Ll2. I can't imagine a greater loss. Know that my thoughts and my love go with you.

If you ever need to talk to someone down on the beach...I am so there!
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Of course you need to cry and of course Joey understands (as we do).
I also think sometimes people just "know" (re: shorter than "normal" lifespans). My friend Jimmy always said he wouldn't live to be 30 (we were friends during most of our teens and twenties). I always protested, "Of course you will! You're strong and smart and..."
He was murdered at 28. The pain of losing a friend is, of course, nothing like the pain of losing a child, but, 32 years later, I can still cry when I think of Jimmy and can find myself wondering: "How could he have known? And why Jimmy? Why not someone mean and evil...?"
SIGH. He knows. We know. May your tears bring some healing.

Lunchlady,"" But now, now I am at home and I have been hiding, running from the facts, I have been vegetating in my room until yesterday.""

Sadness, and sadness caused by such a tragedy, is to say the least, a heart/mind/soul breaking situation, a disease, and do not take my word as an insult. I have lost the most dear to me human, and although time has flied, it seems to me like yesterday, that we were drinking coffee and making our tomorrow dreams.

Now, I am so silent, most of the time i talk to all of you, without talking, and i think that i am terribly lost without him. Me too, I am waiting from him to come and get him... It is like a major me, has died with him, and with no right reason, I feel sick and week, and alone, and in true, and hurtfull being... My best wishes to you, and as in all diseases one must have the time to recover, you must acknowledge your pain and feel your self as a child, cause to me you are a child in need of her parents. As Scanner, said, let your tears cast the pain away, cause no matter what, as long as you live,your son lives with you, in your heart, in your memories, and I am so glad to see him next to you.

Imagine him as in a travel to his most favourite place, imagine him happy, imagine him with all the best. Sometimes life itself is such a pain. I am afraid of the moment I will have to face the dying of my mother, and let me tell you, my secret, I have wished, trully and in clear mind wished to die before my loved ones, cause this is much a pain for me to handle. Sometimes, I am even glad, that my loved one died, he no longer will be sad ...

I am trully sorry for your loss, be well, and remember he is inside you, in your love, in your prayers. You are a prayer for your son...

My heart is full right now. Love, Love, Love to you...

A thank you for sharing your stories here, they do help me see loss from so many different perspectives and learn methods to cope at the same time. Everytime I drive over our river I think of how much my son loved to fish and think of him and his Grandpa, the master fisherman, having a grand old time together and it helps...Thank you all so very much for your love.

God, I'm so sorry. I know that feeling, that sense that this is a glitch in reality and the picture will clear up soon. There's no one good way to deal with it. Writing is your way, so it's the best way. You have my deepest sympathy.

Much love to you. Thank you for entrusting your sorrow to us... for also putting into words what others might be feeling who have lost their child. I am so very sorry that your son is no longer here on earth with you; may you feel his spirit and love and may the sharp hurt ease to something you can cope with, in time may you think of him without breaking your heart open each time. I am not sure that is possible, but I know from the experiences of another OS member, Madeline Sharples, that it is possible to go on after this heartbreak. You may want to search for her posts, if/when you feel like it.

22 years ago I did ask my daughter "Why do you think that?" She'd be 40 this September.

There is no remedy for guilt and second guessing. I've motivated myself for 22 years by building a molten core to remind me at every turn of the rack that suicide would prevent me from ever seeing them again. Christian, you see.

I pray for your healing every day and will do so until I receive the news that you've been set free. If that news never comes I will pray until my death.

You and I and long lines of unknown parents. We'll just hold hands.

I'm sitting here crying with you. I am so very sorry for your losses, but I'm sitting here thinking, too, how good it is that you are Joey's mom, that he knew he could call you, no matter what, and how good it is, that you can put Joey into everybody's heart and thoughts. Only a really good mom could do that, and he surely knew he had the best of the best. Much love.

I also hope to be able to show your post to a friend of mine who has lost her second son and was such a great mom and is being so hard on herself. I hope she can gather strength from you.