It has been 7 months since my son, my first born died and I have done all the right things, said all the right things, worked like it was all okay...
But now, now I am at home and I have been hiding, running from the facts, I have been vegetating in my room until yesterday.
Yesterday I choose to sit outside where I can watch life happen, see the neighborhood go on like it has the past 38 years, my son being 1 year old when my first husband and I moved in.
One year old, a baby, my life, my child I always wanted one I knew I would never swat like my mom had; not blaming her she was gentler with us than she was raised.
Last night and today it is eating at me, what have I done?
I let my son die, how did I stand there, how did I not throw myself across his chest and scream, how did I wait and then calmly walk to my truck, kiss his love goodbye and drive to the hotel, how did I get a room? How did I sit there and just cry…
I keep second guessing myself, when my son would say to me “mom I am not going to live to be 40” WHY did I not say why what reason, how come you think this. NO I just brushed him off saying oh no I will not lose another child. Was I afraid what he would say, if he had said what he should have, could I have bought him more time, or was I callous and had no money left to give so was afraid to know his answer? When he was deep into his drugs he used to threaten suicide all the time maybe I was worried that would come up again even though he seemed happy.
Who thinks that their children may actually die before them? I mean okay I know they do but two, why would that have even crossed my mind? How could he be that sick and I not know? Although and I say this and you can believe me or not I had this feeling, my son’s name kept popping in my head, I would know Joe needed me but when I would call he wouldn't tell me anything so I brushed them off. I didn't listen to my inner mom ear.
I miss my son, I miss his always telling me he is in jail when he called and then laughing, I miss knowing how well he was doing in class, I miss how he could fix anything and we were always going to finish my yard together. I miss him, I want one more hug, one more laugh, one more minute of time with him.
I want to wake up! I want to make it not so! I want my child back!
I want my boy back….
I miss you Joey with every inch of my soul I miss you and I wish I could change things, I wish it had been me not you, I wish we could have grown old together…
I look for you everywhere, every bird, everything that seems out of place, my land line by the bed making strange noises, is that you? Every car you have ever owned goes by is that you?
How did I ever find the strength to let you go? I knew you would not want to be kept alive a vegetable, your brain had stopped, and you were already gone…
Did you wait until we left on purpose?
I need to mourn you now, but to mourn you means you’re really gone and I have had the funeral, the burial, the ashes, everything is done, your 40th birthday 2 months after you died we have done it all and now it is time I step up and let you go baby I have to let you fly free for my sake, not that I want to, but if I don’t I won’t make it and I know you don’t want that.
It is time to embrace the pain and suffer the loss of my handsome man, it is time to say goodbye, just for now, not for ever, I’ll be with you soon enough.
So if you see me crying Joe it’s okay it is what I need to do, have to do, and I hope to come out the other side better for having known you, and keeping you alive by your name as long as our family lives.
I miss you son, I love you…
I want you to walk through my door right now and smile and for us to laugh and everything to be okay but life doesn't work that way....
How can you be really gone?