I was going to take my truck out today on her maiden voyage only realized I would have to buy gas, which took money, which I don't have. I will get more in July and maybe then I can escape this hell I am in that I hide so well from.
Until I got in my truck to go spend the money we don't have on the husband’s whiskey, beer and cigarettes.
I crank the music and for a short time I am free and in that short time I open this wall up, this front I wear, this illusion of being all right if you will and I sing and cry, and scream driving back roads until my breathing slows down and my heart quits racing and I can once again hide behind this face, this I am okay, my son isn't dead, my husband isn't an alcoholic who seems to be going to live forever and my world is growing smaller by the day face I keep in my pocket.
I hide it well, even from myself, and as I was driving I let it down just a bit and this song came on and it needed to be played LOUD and in that moment I saw me, the happy girl, the one who is special, who can see through people, can tell them their darkest secrets but who has no one to confide in herself. I see her as this strong, yet fragile little girl who has been handed too much in life to need to deal with, who has been handed a life with no one by her side to help hold her up, to lay her head on their shoulder. A life of inner dialogue only she understands, only she can put words to, a life that should be sunshine and joy with her personality, but is only pain and loss.
As I listened to the song my first thought was oh how Joey would laugh and give me that arched brow and laugh at me for my taste in music and I smiled until remembering he is gone and won’t be back and I will never have the privilege of his smile again.
And I miss him and I try every day to get up, get dressed, function and pretend these things don’t eat at me, don’t make my insides hurt and I watch TV and I find my mind always wandering back to nothing…just sitting and nothing.
I am forcing myself to live to breathe and next month I will get to babysit my granddaughter and maybe through her innocence I will find mine again, realize why I am still here, why I stay.
For now I have escaped to my outside swing, with my soothing fountain and my cats and dogs all being silly vying for mom’s attention and I am lost. I know this life right now is an illusion on the outside, but with time and the love of my family hope it becomes real once again.
I just so. miss. my. son….
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Comments
Tough times.
Tough gal.
Praying for you my friend.
Each time you make it through to the other side you're a little stronger. Been there, done that, right?
It's difficult, watching other nestlings spreading their wings, flying off into the lives they'll live here, knowing your nestling/s have passed all of that for another place. But they're flying there too dear heart, they're flying there in that other place.
The hate is ok, we might not like it in ourselves, but there are times we need it, it's useful when it doesn't control us.
Rated for you can do this. You know you can.
And which is an illusion."
The song & the images it evokes ( love the arched brow & his laughter :-), the cats in the yard, the swing & the dogs ~ these seem more real to me than the oblivion that sits inside ...
OK I might be an old Moody Blues fan ; we get to pick & choose.
I choose the happy, special, strong fragile girl
who took her face from her pocket
& shared it with us.
x
JD, Thank you some days are just harder than others :(
Seer, You always have the best advice, that special knowledge that makes me smile and nod my head and I thank you for that...
Kim, I still remember the exact place I was when I first heard the Moody Blues and have loved them ever since. The song popped immediately into my head. I like the picture of me you choose and thank you...
Phyllis, exactly I was only driving across the river to the store but just for that short time I WAS free and I kept driving for as long as my gas let me. You do get it!
Rob, It is okay I have shared it here before and understand why people wonder and the truth if I was not 59, barely making ends meet and hoping to retire in 5 years I would give up my house and leave. He is disabled and no court in the world will make him move and the house is only worth what is owed and I am a coward when it comes to giving up where I have lived for the past 38 years, where I raised all my children, where I fought to keep it from my 1st husband and a mile from my job. Sadly I am hedging my bets with the husband heavily insured and sick beyond sick puking every morning unable to eat an entire banana and drinking himself to death. As long as I can live in my part of the house and the outside is totally mine as he never moves off the couch I can do this for now.
I know not the best answer but one for now one I need to live with.
but very very ... real ... and loved ...
Might be better to start over elsewhere. You deserve a GOOD man, my dear. A GOOD, wise, lovely person to lift you up.
We all love you, LL2!
Prayers for you and yours
Peace
Rated
It's not about leaving him or even finding someone who deserves the woman she is.. it's about hanging onto herself, what is hers, her place of self, where she is who she is - *in spite* of everything that has conspired against her. She's won many hard fought battles there, among the ones lost.. and I think perhaps the lost battles only appear to have been lost..
I can only respect her decision to stand her ground in the truest sense of that phrase, so I don't ask anymore :).
I love what you wrote about that little girl, that is my nature too. Life has sent things that have not let you be true to your nature. My family doctor told me I was a great mother but since I didn't grow up with a parent to take care of me (hahaha, sigh) I needed to learn to be my own mom and start to parent myself.
Hayley Rose told me she'd been advised to get a photo of herself as a child and anytime someone started to treat her badly she should pull it out, pretend it was her child and ask herself if she'd let anyone treat that precious child that way. Now I have a large portrait photo of myself at around 6 in the living room. I look at it every day and tell myself I'm not going to let anyone hurt that sweet little girl, I'm going to take care of her, love her and protect her. Some days I can't love the person I see in the mirror but it sure is easy to cherish that sweet little girl.
Maybe you have an old photo of who you really are that you might want to look at every day. You are still her.
i hope its okay i said that. i say it with love and hugs and hope, which i am sending to you.
:)