I was going to take my truck out today on her maiden voyage only realized I would have to buy gas, which took money, which I don't have. I will get more in July and maybe then I can escape this hell I am in that I hide so well from.
Until I got in my truck to go spend the money we don't have on the husband’s whiskey, beer and cigarettes.
I crank the music and for a short time I am free and in that short time I open this wall up, this front I wear, this illusion of being all right if you will and I sing and cry, and scream driving back roads until my breathing slows down and my heart quits racing and I can once again hide behind this face, this I am okay, my son isn't dead, my husband isn't an alcoholic who seems to be going to live forever and my world is growing smaller by the day face I keep in my pocket.
I hide it well, even from myself, and as I was driving I let it down just a bit and this song came on and it needed to be played LOUD and in that moment I saw me, the happy girl, the one who is special, who can see through people, can tell them their darkest secrets but who has no one to confide in herself. I see her as this strong, yet fragile little girl who has been handed too much in life to need to deal with, who has been handed a life with no one by her side to help hold her up, to lay her head on their shoulder. A life of inner dialogue only she understands, only she can put words to, a life that should be sunshine and joy with her personality, but is only pain and loss.
As I listened to the song my first thought was oh how Joey would laugh and give me that arched brow and laugh at me for my taste in music and I smiled until remembering he is gone and won’t be back and I will never have the privilege of his smile again.
And I miss him and I try every day to get up, get dressed, function and pretend these things don’t eat at me, don’t make my insides hurt and I watch TV and I find my mind always wandering back to nothing…just sitting and nothing.
I am forcing myself to live to breathe and next month I will get to babysit my granddaughter and maybe through her innocence I will find mine again, realize why I am still here, why I stay.
For now I have escaped to my outside swing, with my soothing fountain and my cats and dogs all being silly vying for mom’s attention and I am lost. I know this life right now is an illusion on the outside, but with time and the love of my family hope it becomes real once again.
I just so. miss. my. son….