When I tune in to what/how I am thinking sometimes it stops me in my tracks. You know how your mind wanders I guess mine is so full of thoughts right now it is spilling out like a waterfall invading my every quiet moment.
I will realize I am thinking about my son a lot, his last moments, the start of his last journey and I will go over and over every step in my mind yet I am not tuned into what I am doing.
It seems to happen whenever I find quiet time, which is hard right now to do. I find early morning in the shower I just stop and feel like I just can’t go on, yet I do, getting dressed, make-up, out the door when all I really want to do is climb back in bed pull the covers over my head and stay there forever.
I realize, I feel, I am not so afraid of death anymore, well my death anymore. Time flies by so fast we can’t even hold on to a minute, a second, it just goes by faster and faster. What seems like yesterday is really almost 6 months since my son’s death.
We are all going to die, slow, fast, sooner, later, we will all die and then we will finally know what is next in the big picture of the universe.
We will all at some point be forgotten, no one will remember how hard we fought to stay alive, to survive, how bad we wanted to save a world gone insane by greed and sloth.
No one will remember the kind word, the mean mouth, the hard worker everything we do is really for nothing but ourselves, for our soul be it good or bad, evil or saintly we are all of our own making.
Yet still we hold on, still we fight to live, to get past the heartbreak of death, divorce, alcoholism, abuse, we still choose to live for no matter how long we have we want to live.
Some of us waste so much time reliving the hurt from our past we forget the short amount of time we have to enjoy this gift, for that really seems to be what it is, this gift of life….
But then I think of all the countries where they live daily with war, without food, clear running water and I wonder how do they do it? What hold does life have on them? When they eke out a living day by day by day, living in horror how do they go on? What holds them here?
Maybe being animals (you know what I mean I am not saying we are animals) the instinct to survive is somehow hard wired in us, maybe even if we can do no more than survive we still choose to live, we cling to the idea that life will get better, we still find joy in a small child’s hand in ours, or our pet snuggled under our feet, or one day with enough food for everyone to eat.
My thoughts bring me back to how can we save the world, how can we get everyone fresh running water and enough food to eat and no child or adult or even animal going without food and I find no answer…
I want my son back, not like in the “Monkeys Paw” but back as he was happy finally and moving forward. I just want my son back and my mind to rest….