When I tune in to what/how I am thinking sometimes it stops me in my tracks. You know how your mind wanders I guess mine is so full of thoughts right now it is spilling out like a waterfall invading my every quiet moment.
I will realize I am thinking about my son a lot, his last moments, the start of his last journey and I will go over and over every step in my mind yet I am not tuned into what I am doing.
It seems to happen whenever I find quiet time, which is hard right now to do. I find early morning in the shower I just stop and feel like I just can’t go on, yet I do, getting dressed, make-up, out the door when all I really want to do is climb back in bed pull the covers over my head and stay there forever.
I realize, I feel, I am not so afraid of death anymore, well my death anymore. Time flies by so fast we can’t even hold on to a minute, a second, it just goes by faster and faster. What seems like yesterday is really almost 6 months since my son’s death.
We are all going to die, slow, fast, sooner, later, we will all die and then we will finally know what is next in the big picture of the universe.
We will all at some point be forgotten, no one will remember how hard we fought to stay alive, to survive, how bad we wanted to save a world gone insane by greed and sloth.
No one will remember the kind word, the mean mouth, the hard worker everything we do is really for nothing but ourselves, for our soul be it good or bad, evil or saintly we are all of our own making.
Yet still we hold on, still we fight to live, to get past the heartbreak of death, divorce, alcoholism, abuse, we still choose to live for no matter how long we have we want to live.
Some of us waste so much time reliving the hurt from our past we forget the short amount of time we have to enjoy this gift, for that really seems to be what it is, this gift of life….
But then I think of all the countries where they live daily with war, without food, clear running water and I wonder how do they do it? What hold does life have on them? When they eke out a living day by day by day, living in horror how do they go on? What holds them here?
Maybe being animals (you know what I mean I am not saying we are animals) the instinct to survive is somehow hard wired in us, maybe even if we can do no more than survive we still choose to live, we cling to the idea that life will get better, we still find joy in a small child’s hand in ours, or our pet snuggled under our feet, or one day with enough food for everyone to eat.
My thoughts bring me back to how can we save the world, how can we get everyone fresh running water and enough food to eat and no child or adult or even animal going without food and I find no answer…
I want my son back, not like in the “Monkeys Paw” but back as he was happy finally and moving forward. I just want my son back and my mind to rest….
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Jaime Franchi
Grannypower
Kerry Lauerman
Steven Rockford
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Spencer Thripworth III
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Comments
Losing children has and will always hurt.
Silent tears here. Hugs from afar.
Lezlie
Some day, slowly, the edges will be less sharp, maybe you'll build up a layer of memory. It will still be there, still with you, always present, but I hope less painful. Some day round and smooth, not square and sharp.
Your mind is doing the work it needs to do. Turning that sharp piece of sand over and over.
You are in my thought, LL.
"I just want my son back and my mind to rest." ... Your son is so obviously still with you in your soul and the unrest of your mind is unlikely to subside until you embrace him with your soul. A platitude easily said but much more difficult to live through.
Have you thought of finding a good grief counselor?
Sometimes communities have them for free.
You might call Hospice and ask if they know of such a thing in your area. They tend to know these things.
I trust that you can make it through. you have courage. I've seen it in you even when you thought you had less of it that you had.
Barring all else, you have us all here.
We respect and care for you, as always.
A long distance hug is yours from your friend in OS,
PW
I have lots of the throughts you describe here. Time ... other countries ... true horrors and personal ones ... too short ... such shit!
Survival is most certainly the a most basic primal instinct, although a mother's love trumps that survival instinct when her child is in danger.
On the upper end of the spiral, and the question of how to save ... anyone .... is never-ending. All you really need to worry about right now is saving YOU. The first step is to stop those downward-spiraling thoughts, just STOP them.
Come here and do this instead. This is excellent writing LL2, and it is writing that is doing good in the world. When you want to spiral down, just STOP and recite the mantra of all the good you do in this world, starting here, and moving on to all your kids at the school and your kids and their kids that are still here with you, and even, I presume, you are still doing for your husband.
You are awesome. Please try very hard to take care of JUST YOURSELF for a while.
Remember the phrase 'Ours is not to wonder why. Ours is just to do and die.' I don't know where it comes from but seems appropriate if we can do it.
Survival is man's strongest instinct and hope our most important emotion. Bless you for your eloquence.