I woke up early today to go to another holistic fair but found I could just not motivate, I just sit here and can't even talk myself into showering.
So I have started a pot of pinto beans to throw the Easter ham bone into for dinner, for my family, because that is what I know how to do even on automatic pilot.
I had planned on going up the hill yesterday to my son's grave for his 6 months since he died day, my plan was to cut some of my lilacs and pick up two pinwheels, one for Joe one for mom but the thundershowers kept me home. I just had that "feeling" not to, so trusting me I stayed home and dug out old videos.
I found when watching them, well I thought I found when watching them, that I could have been a better mom, I saw my mom in me more than I thought I had. Not that I did not love my children, as mom loved us, but that I expected maybe too much from them.
I have learned to hug over the years and I always told my children I loved them and tried hard to give them more than I had but watching the videos I think I saw a part of me I don't know that I liked very much.
I am trying hard to reconnect with my birth daughter I want a relationship with her like I have with my step but not daughter. I don't know where I changed, when I changed, how I changed, but somewhere along the way I seem closer to my step children than my birth daughter and I need my daughter back in my life...but when I call or see her I can not find my words to begin again to be a part of her life. I fumble the call every time, afraid I am intruding in her life and if she wanted me to know things she would tell me. She also hates the man I am married to and says even when he is gone she will never come back to our home.
Thankfully she has my sister Suzie and her husband in her life but I miss her...
My daughter was with me when we received the news that Joe was not going to make it to turn everything off and give up. I pushed forward and had my son moved to a better hospital and bought him another two weeks of life but that moment as she tried to comfort me I realized it should be me comforting her and tried but sucked at it as I tried not to cry in front of her and tried to explain I was supposed to protect my children and already having lost one son I felt I was failing miserably as a mother.
Sometimes I wish I could have a do over so I could go back and instead of just living day to day I would take every day with my children and enjoy it, envelop myself in their love and give back just as much. But those things don't happen...my granddaughter just maybe my granddaughter is my chance to grab every minute I can, to live each day as my last.
Tonight my youngest daughter and I are going to see Mama Mia she lives close by while my oldest daughter lives an hour and a half at least away. I know we will have fun, laughing and talking and all I want really is to have my entire family together feeling like they all belong together
My life is confusing right now and maybe I just am not thinking clearly, maybe I have so much to process I need to slow it down some. The Lexapro is helping me sleep better than I have slept in years, since the first husband went insane. I actually sleep hours at a time 4 or 5 and it freaks me out a bit not to wake up every hour or two and lie there a while but it also feels good to dream again...
I am also not as anxious so another reason to stay on this pill for awhile and I also know pills fix nothing it takes work and believe me I am working on me but sometimes I am so very much alone in this world and it drags me down...
To many things to think about, to work through, I know having fun tonight will be a good thing and I am looking forward to it.
Maybe it really is too soon to start to go through videos...