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Lunchlady 2

Lunchlady 2
March 05
I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye. I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way. I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...


APRIL 14, 2012 4:41PM

Lost in Thought

Rate: 25 Flag

I woke up early today to go to another holistic fair but found I could just not motivate, I just sit here and can't even talk myself into showering.

So I have started a pot of pinto beans to throw the Easter ham bone into for dinner, for my family, because that is what I know how to do even on automatic pilot.

I had planned on going up the hill yesterday to my son's grave for his 6 months since he died day, my plan was to cut some of my lilacs and pick up two pinwheels, one for Joe one for mom but the thundershowers kept me home. I just had that "feeling" not to, so trusting me I stayed home and dug out old videos.

I found when watching them, well I thought I found when watching them, that I could have been a better mom, I saw my mom in me more than I thought I had. Not that I did not love my children, as mom loved us, but that I expected maybe too much from them.

I have learned to hug over the years and I always told my children I loved them and tried hard to give them more than I had but watching the videos I think I saw a part of me I don't know that I liked very much.

I am trying hard to reconnect with my birth daughter I want a relationship with her like I have with my step but not daughter. I don't know where I changed, when I changed, how I changed, but somewhere along the way I seem closer to my step children than my birth daughter and I need my daughter back in my life...but when I call or see her I can not find my words to begin again to be a part of her life. I fumble the call every time, afraid I am intruding in her life and if she wanted me to know things she would tell me. She also hates the man I am married to and says even when he is gone she will never come back to our home.

Thankfully she has my sister Suzie and her husband in her life but I miss her...

My daughter was with me when we received the news that Joe was not going to make it to turn everything off and give up. I pushed forward and had my son moved to a better hospital and bought him another two weeks of life but that moment as she tried to comfort me I realized it should be me comforting her and tried but sucked at it as I tried not to cry in front of her and tried to explain I was supposed to protect my children and already having lost one son I felt I was failing miserably as a mother.

Sometimes I wish I could have a do over so I could go back and instead of just living day to day I would take every day with my children and enjoy it, envelop myself in their love and give back just as much. But those things don't granddaughter just maybe my granddaughter is my chance to grab every minute I can, to live each day as my last.

Tonight my youngest daughter and I are going to see Mama Mia she lives close by while my oldest daughter lives an hour and a half at least away. I know we will have fun, laughing and talking and all I want really is to have my entire family together feeling like they all belong together

My life is confusing right now and maybe I just am not thinking clearly, maybe I have so much to process I need to slow it down some. The Lexapro is helping me sleep better than I have slept in years, since the first husband went insane. I actually sleep hours at a time 4 or 5 and it freaks me out a bit not to wake up every hour or two and lie there a while but it also feels good to dream again...

I am also not as anxious so another reason to stay on this pill for awhile and I also know pills fix nothing it takes work and believe me I am working on me but sometimes I am so very much alone in this world and it drags me down...

To many things to think about, to work through, I know having fun tonight will be a good thing and I am looking forward to it.

Maybe it really is too soon to start to go through videos...

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Two things that don't help with grief are sad songs and family videos.
Give yourself time to heal. Make soup, take walks, be with friends.
It is going to take a lot of time. Find the light....find joy....their are others who need you. It is good you have your daughters. Stay close to them.
Believe me when I say it is too soon for videos. I thought it would help me get through the grief faster. It did just the opposite. Be kind to yourself. Make beans, go to Momma Mia, you will love and for now stay on those pills. It always cracks me up when doctors say they don't want you to get hooked on sleeping pills. Who cares; I need to sleep!/r
Every mother fails miserably. My mom did. I told her often, “mom, you fucked me up, yknow!”
She would say, “oh it’s always the mother’s fault. Anyway, why are u still around , then, young man, if I am such a monster?”
“oh gonna give u another chance.”
“hmph. I am SO glad I deserve it. “
“ha. Well, we shall see.”

My mom dealt with the death of her own grandson, her only grandchild. He didn’t actually die, his mother, my sister in law, kept him from her all his life. It crushed the hell out of her.

The grandson showed up at mom’s deathbed. Saw her laying in bed with liver failure & encepalothy.
I agree: slow it down. From slowness comes a kind of immense freedom, I have found.
The thing to do is the thing that needs doing now, with all concentration & mindfulness.
This leads to health.

All of our immense (ha) sins can be corrected as long as we are alive, but we must be truly alive.

Parts of you you don’t like? They are gone. In the past.

The Now demands vigorous thought and action, of an “indifferent” variety.
Indifferent means: allness, contained feelingly & thoughtfully, without prejudice.
We've all done things we could do over and not done thing we think we should have... sometimes those memories jump into my conscious mind and I shudder with a feeling that seems like my skin is on fire... I breathe, and with great effort recognize that there's nothing I can do to take it back... all I can do is move it forward with awareness of what it is.
Ande, I was trying to get old videos to transfer to DVDs but maybe now that I have found them I will wait a bit to follow through.
Christine, I do not remember sleeping through a night, it has been that long, I am still amazed to find it morning when I open my eyes!
James, That must have been so hard on your mom to know she had a grandchild but unable to be with him. Some people are horrible how could a mother keep a grandchild from his grandmother? I do agree I need to slow it down and not feel bad when I just can't do something yet...but I will keep working on it.
Jmac1949, exactly my feeling but I had not yet reached the point of knowing I can not change what was, I need to work on this also and grasp today to start anew.
Take your time. Take all you need. I love to hear how you are doing. I think you are so brave and smart and I love your posts.
All good mothers think they could have been better, but no one is perfect and your caring nature always comes across. I hope you can build some bridges with your daughter.

Keep writing, taking one day at a time and enjoy the show.
Ahhh, Lunchlady...few if any of us live lives we are 100% proud of. You have probably not been nearly as bad as a mother as you fear, and no doubt, much better than many. Since you express yourself so well in writing, I wonder if it might be better for you to write to your daughter. Just spill it.... the memories, the joy, the regrets.... and your hopes for a future together. I think most people who have felt wronged (as perhaps your daughter feels?) just want to be acknowledged, just want someone to say, "I didn't treat you as the precious, precious soul you were." Don't bother with the reasons why -it won't matter, even if they are 100% valid. There is something very healing in someone just offering that up, with out any excuses or rationale. Another thing that may help is an acknowledgement of what she WAS to you then, even if you didn't acknowledge it then. Tell her now how pretty she was, some of your best memories, how smart, or capable, or funny she was. Give her back her childhood and then go forward together....
I've always thought the reason we keep each other at some distance, the reason we don't remember everything that happens is that we need the distance, we need the forgetting. Maybe staying too close isn't as good as it sounds in the abstract.
Zanelle, you are always so kind and I thank you for that.
Linda, I will not give up trying to get my daughter back in my life, I will never give up!
Best Years, I have started a letter to my daughter so many times and I think you may be right no talking about the why things were, no talking about the bad, maybe my letter should start with how I feel about her, how I remember the good times. You have given me a lot to think about.
Nilesite, You may be right maybe it is not that great to remember everything so maybe the right thing to do is start over with my daughter forgiving myself for all I feel I did wrong?
Nothing wrong with wanting more from your kids, Terri. It's a desire that comes from having lived through their age and beyond, seeing yourself in them and wishing you had done things differently when you were their age. It's natural to want them to avoid the mistakes you made and to protect them from making dumb decisions that you know they would regret the rest of their lives. You were a good mother. How do I know this? Because the love shows thru powerfully in the pain you're revealing to us right here, right now. That pain comes from love and nothing else.
I have had very difficult feelings about my relationship w/my son, and my share of guilt. The death of your child though I have not experienced. You have a lot on your plate emotionally and I hope you have a good counselor or therapist or minister or close friend to confide in. You are very brave to write about this.
Chicken Maaan, I love reading that my love for my children comes through in my writing, it will help me to write my daughter...
Patrick, I have you all and my sister to talk too and that is it. It does no good to talk to the husband and my children it scares or worries so my life line is here, maybe that is why I write like I do?
Too soon says your heart. Listen to it. And write your daughter letters, even if you don't send them. It will help you to know you are working on your relationship with her.

Mypsyche, I have been starting letters but never finishing them, never getting it right but I can see now that each start is a beginning so will continue to put my thoughts down for my daughter until the day I say it just right and then I will send it. I will purposely take my time...thank you.
LL, as a daughter, I can tell you it doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be. And offer it without expectation. Let her know you are there, stay in touch, and let her let you in. You have a good heart and given a chance, she will see it, too. Take care.
The people who advised you to wait on the videos make good sense. They're not doing you any good right now.
I don't blame your daughter for hating your current husband, who sounds absolutely despicable based on everything you've written, but she shouldn't hold his nastiness against you. I know, easy for me to say.
Nothing useful from me. Just sympathy and hopes for healing!
There is a difference in how we all approach this kind of healing I suppose...each in their ow way....right?
But beware of the "I was not a good this...of did not do very well on that" blahs. None of us are perfect, but spending our time remembering that helps no one..especially ourselves.

Terri, when you looks at the tapes, do you not see love?
Phyllis, all great ideas that I will be putting into Easter I tried harder to talk with her be around her and our goodbye hug I held long enough to show I meant my I love you. Not in a trying too hard way but in an I want you back in my life way. I hope
Eva, it is always great to have your support and yes you are right the husband is an ass and her dad at the end was an ass and she is confused but I will not give up!
JD, I did see love but I also saw my thumb on them to act right, be respectful and I feel I paid more attention to the rest of the family...maybe it is just in how I filmed life as I don't remember being so hard on them.
We all have these feelings, dear, don't beat yourself up. I hope you and your daughter can find a new and precious connection. Pinto beans help. I love them.
I assure you...there was love there. You gave it.
I feel sometimes LL, like I am holding your hand in mine and wishing the hurt away for ya..
Don't be in a rush to do more than you can handle today.
Let the day breath with you. Find pleasure just relaxing in your sweet spot.
And know so many feel the same as me...
You're a great mom. My kids aren't even talking to me now. You're a great mom.
Hugs for you. Someday the soup will taste delicious again.
Crazy weekend with the boys, but thought I'd check in before bed -- Trust me on this, we ALL feel like we could have done a better job, been a better mom, a better friend, a better whatever. None of us are perfect, & motherhood is a learn-as-you-go deal. I have second-guessed my motherhood-ing more than anything else in my life! All the things I should have done differently -- God, I was doing it last night! talking to Geo about my failings as a mother! Even though (as you know) my youngest is 30! No!...we all give it our best shot. We add in The Past, The Husband, The Environment, The Fears -- & our total frequently comes with lots of minuses. It helps to have a couple of Big Pluses...

(I love the wisdom in these comments!)

(As for the videos? -- way too hard now. I was trying to find a good one of Adult Joe & it just left me all breathless with grief. I swear, it is all just one-foot-in-front-of-the-other all the time anymore.

(And sleep is good.) -- I love you!! And I'm glad you're finally getting some sleep! Very important for good health!
Easy does it my friend.
Take it easy on yourself.
Have a good day today.
Listen and trust your gut feeling.
Sending you love.
There are no "perfects" in life, despite everything you have ever heard about perfect. No perfect, fools, strangers, timing and above all no perfect parents. We can all work towards perfection, but none of us will ever reach it. LL, you are working on it, and that is the best and only thing you can do about it.
Continue to write, both here and to your daughter. In most cases writing will open new avenues for everything.
You are a great mom, LL2. I'm glad that you're sleeping and dreaming. I hope you can keep catching up on your sleep and your dreams, and keep healing. ((((((Big, big huggggzzzz))))) and wishing you a good day today. :)
Miguela, It is good to realize all parents, most parents feel this way!
JD,Thank you it does help to hear it...
Mission, I love knowing I am really not alone, that so many others care, it really does help.
Scanner, I don't think I could stand it if my kids didn't talk to yours fixable?
Kate, I want to thank you so much for sharing this with me it broke my heart but also gave me hope that my daughter does not know where to start either. My biggest fear is dying before we make peace and her being left behind, like you, to need to live with if only.
Zumalicious, I really can't wait but will slow myself down and work towards the very best soup I can create :)
Suzie, How you can think you aren't the best mom in the world is beyond me. You are the best mom I have ever known!!! And Grandma!!! I agree the wisdom here helps so much in deciding the next move in life, the next move to finally bring my children together as brothers and sisters. I want that more than even love for myself...
Ladyfarmerjed, I will, I am trying to slow myself down and move forward at a pace I can breathe in. Thank you so much for your kind words.
Out on a limb, That perfect word I can see now gets in the way of living sometimes. I will keep writing and figuring life out and I will not stop until my daughter and I have made peace. Then I will be able to move on to the next chapter of my life...
Clay ball, We did have a great time at the show a really good time and then I layed down and actually slept for 6 hours straight. It is a unreal feeling still but one I think I am going to like!