I woke up early today to go to another holistic fair but found I could just not motivate, I just sit here and can't even talk myself into showering.
So I have started a pot of pinto beans to throw the Easter ham bone into for dinner, for my family, because that is what I know how to do even on automatic pilot.
I had planned on going up the hill yesterday to my son's grave for his 6 months since he died day, my plan was to cut some of my lilacs and pick up two pinwheels, one for Joe one for mom but the thundershowers kept me home. I just had that "feeling" not to, so trusting me I stayed home and dug out old videos.
I found when watching them, well I thought I found when watching them, that I could have been a better mom, I saw my mom in me more than I thought I had. Not that I did not love my children, as mom loved us, but that I expected maybe too much from them.
I have learned to hug over the years and I always told my children I loved them and tried hard to give them more than I had but watching the videos I think I saw a part of me I don't know that I liked very much.
I am trying hard to reconnect with my birth daughter I want a relationship with her like I have with my step but not daughter. I don't know where I changed, when I changed, how I changed, but somewhere along the way I seem closer to my step children than my birth daughter and I need my daughter back in my life...but when I call or see her I can not find my words to begin again to be a part of her life. I fumble the call every time, afraid I am intruding in her life and if she wanted me to know things she would tell me. She also hates the man I am married to and says even when he is gone she will never come back to our home.
Thankfully she has my sister Suzie and her husband in her life but I miss her...
My daughter was with me when we received the news that Joe was not going to make it to turn everything off and give up. I pushed forward and had my son moved to a better hospital and bought him another two weeks of life but that moment as she tried to comfort me I realized it should be me comforting her and tried but sucked at it as I tried not to cry in front of her and tried to explain I was supposed to protect my children and already having lost one son I felt I was failing miserably as a mother.
Sometimes I wish I could have a do over so I could go back and instead of just living day to day I would take every day with my children and enjoy it, envelop myself in their love and give back just as much. But those things don't happen...my granddaughter just maybe my granddaughter is my chance to grab every minute I can, to live each day as my last.
Tonight my youngest daughter and I are going to see Mama Mia she lives close by while my oldest daughter lives an hour and a half at least away. I know we will have fun, laughing and talking and all I want really is to have my entire family together feeling like they all belong together
My life is confusing right now and maybe I just am not thinking clearly, maybe I have so much to process I need to slow it down some. The Lexapro is helping me sleep better than I have slept in years, since the first husband went insane. I actually sleep hours at a time 4 or 5 and it freaks me out a bit not to wake up every hour or two and lie there a while but it also feels good to dream again...
I am also not as anxious so another reason to stay on this pill for awhile and I also know pills fix nothing it takes work and believe me I am working on me but sometimes I am so very much alone in this world and it drags me down...
To many things to think about, to work through, I know having fun tonight will be a good thing and I am looking forward to it.
Maybe it really is too soon to start to go through videos...
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Give yourself time to heal. Make soup, take walks, be with friends.
It is going to take a lot of time. Find the light....find joy....their are others who need you. It is good you have your daughters. Stay close to them.
She would say, “oh it’s always the mother’s fault. Anyway, why are u still around , then, young man, if I am such a monster?”
“oh gonna give u another chance.”
“hmph. I am SO glad I deserve it. “
“ha. Well, we shall see.”
“hush.”
“ok.”
My mom dealt with the death of her own grandson, her only grandchild. He didn’t actually die, his mother, my sister in law, kept him from her all his life. It crushed the hell out of her.
The grandson showed up at mom’s deathbed. Saw her laying in bed with liver failure & encepalothy.
………………………
I agree: slow it down. From slowness comes a kind of immense freedom, I have found.
The thing to do is the thing that needs doing now, with all concentration & mindfulness.
This leads to health.
All of our immense (ha) sins can be corrected as long as we are alive, but we must be truly alive.
Parts of you you don’t like? They are gone. In the past.
The Now demands vigorous thought and action, of an “indifferent” variety.
Indifferent means: allness, contained feelingly & thoughtfully, without prejudice.
Christine, I do not remember sleeping through a night, it has been that long, I am still amazed to find it morning when I open my eyes!
James, That must have been so hard on your mom to know she had a grandchild but unable to be with him. Some people are horrible how could a mother keep a grandchild from his grandmother? I do agree I need to slow it down and not feel bad when I just can't do something yet...but I will keep working on it.
Jmac1949, exactly my feeling but I had not yet reached the point of knowing I can not change what was, I need to work on this also and grasp today to start anew.
Keep writing, taking one day at a time and enjoy the show.
Linda, I will not give up trying to get my daughter back in my life, I will never give up!
Best Years, I have started a letter to my daughter so many times and I think you may be right no talking about the why things were, no talking about the bad, maybe my letter should start with how I feel about her, how I remember the good times. You have given me a lot to think about.
Nilesite, You may be right maybe it is not that great to remember everything so maybe the right thing to do is start over with my daughter forgiving myself for all I feel I did wrong?
Patrick, I have you all and my sister to talk too and that is it. It does no good to talk to the husband and my children it scares or worries so my life line is here, maybe that is why I write like I do?
Drema
I don't blame your daughter for hating your current husband, who sounds absolutely despicable based on everything you've written, but she shouldn't hold his nastiness against you. I know, easy for me to say.
Nothing useful from me. Just sympathy and hopes for healing!
But beware of the "I was not a good this...of did not do very well on that" blahs. None of us are perfect, but spending our time remembering that helps no one..especially ourselves.
Terri, when you looks at the tapes, do you not see love?
Eva, it is always great to have your support and yes you are right the husband is an ass and her dad at the end was an ass and she is confused but I will not give up!
JD, I did see love but I also saw my thumb on them to act right, be respectful and I feel I paid more attention to the rest of the family...maybe it is just in how I filmed life as I don't remember being so hard on them.
Don't be in a rush to do more than you can handle today.
Let the day breath with you. Find pleasure just relaxing in your sweet spot.
And know so many feel the same as me...
My mom died suddenly last year, and I did not make it before she died. We did not have a good relationship the last 15 years, and we were both at fault for that, but I still blame myself for not trying harder, for not calling more often. Like you and your daughter, we just didn't know what to say to each other.
You still desire her in your life, and that is a gift in itself. You will find your way back to each other, life really is trial and error.
And, yes, a good night's sleep makes anything a little more bearable, sto keep taking the pills until the night you forget and sleep on your own without them...
Best wishes,
(I love the wisdom in these comments!)
(As for the videos? -- way too hard now. I was trying to find a good one of Adult Joe & it just left me all breathless with grief. I swear, it is all just one-foot-in-front-of-the-other all the time anymore.
(And sleep is good.) -- I love you!! And I'm glad you're finally getting some sleep! Very important for good health!
Take it easy on yourself.
Have a good day today.
Listen and trust your gut feeling.
Sending you love.
Continue to write, both here and to your daughter. In most cases writing will open new avenues for everything.
R
JD,Thank you it does help to hear it...
Mission, I love knowing I am really not alone, that so many others care, it really does help.
Scanner, I don't think I could stand it if my kids didn't talk to me...is yours fixable?
Kate, I want to thank you so much for sharing this with me it broke my heart but also gave me hope that my daughter does not know where to start either. My biggest fear is dying before we make peace and her being left behind, like you, to need to live with if only.
Suzie, How you can think you aren't the best mom in the world is beyond me. You are the best mom I have ever known!!! And Grandma!!! I agree the wisdom here helps so much in deciding the next move in life, the next move to finally bring my children together as brothers and sisters. I want that more than even love for myself...
Ladyfarmerjed, I will, I am trying to slow myself down and move forward at a pace I can breathe in. Thank you so much for your kind words.
Out on a limb, That perfect word I can see now gets in the way of living sometimes. I will keep writing and figuring life out and I will not stop until my daughter and I have made peace. Then I will be able to move on to the next chapter of my life...
Clay ball, We did have a great time at the show a really good time and then I layed down and actually slept for 6 hours straight. It is a unreal feeling still but one I think I am going to like!
Rated for just follow your heart LL2, it knows.