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Lunchlady 2

Lunchlady 2
March 05
I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye. I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way. I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...


MARCH 27, 2012 8:25AM

Death Twinges

Rate: 29 Flag

The title is not my best title ever but I can not think of any way to say what I need to say.

Today at work the staff and teachers have been asked to wear black to celebrate another staff members 40th birthday. He knew my son they played ball together through the years and now we wear black to “celebrate” his birthday.


He is a great man, a wonderful father and I do want to play along wishing him many more happy birthdays…


But then it brings back to mind the 40th birthday my son didn’t get to celebrate and I have cried last night and this morning for what my son didn’t get to see. He didn’t get his first ever recliner, he didn’t get a birthday cake or ice cream and like his mother and Grandmother he loved ice cream, in fact that was his last meal his fiancé hand feeding him soft serve after his initial stroke when we still had hope he would be coming home.


So I have come in to work wearing my black scrubs with short sleeved turtleneck underneath, with black earrings with just a touch of red sparkle as I have always been a bit different and I plan on doing my best to stay at work today, to play along and help celebrate another’s 40th birthday, wishing the whole time I had been allowed to celebrate my own sons.


I may go home, I may go for a ride, I may stay and watch the fun and sometime when we may catch each other alone I will tell him his life is not even close to being over it has only just begun.


Some days I wonder would this have been easier if my son was still on drugs when he died but realize it was love that saved him and I am so happy he had love I just wish he had been given more time to enjoy life.


Some days I miss my boy so much and this, I guess, will be one of those…


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Maybe you can give this guy a hug for your son's birthday, too. I bet he wouldn't mind. And here's a virtual hug for you to get through the day. Take care.
Thanks Phyllis I feel better just having wrote it all out. It is like setting the thought, the feeling free I guess. I shall give him a birthday hug, I think I can do this now!
Lady, I am so glad you wrote about this. Today I do a yoga class for cancer survivors. I thought it would be easy, but it's not. Some are very sick. I pray that all of us appreciate every moment we have of life and love. Namaste.
Here's hoping you get through the day. It's all about ups and downs, highs and lows. I like your comment about writing setting that feeling/thought free. Keep writing, we'll keep reading and sending you cosmic hugs.
C Berg, what a wonderful gift to give others, I know even though hard it must be very rewarding to do. I wish you peace today...
Firechick, I do feel more capable now of getting through the day. I am glad I pushed myself through the shower, getting dressed, even though I did tell myself if I could not do it I can go home I think giving myself permission to leave if needs be gave me the power to succeed. We will see...
Today LL, while our riding my bicycle, I will ride a few more miles thinking of you and this piece you have written.
I am so glad you are writing about this.
Please continue and let the words out.
And know we all care.
I'm just so damn sorry. My deceased sister would have been 68 on the 22nd. She died at 25 and I miss her every day. . Like Phyllis said, if you can hug this guy do it and pretend he is your son. He'll feel it all the way from Heaven./r
What a heartbreaking post, and what beautiful comments. Yes, keep writing, and we will all be here to bear witness. OS has saved me on more than one occasion with their love and compassion. We will be here for you.
Oh LL, with just a little sparkle you light the entire world as they do every night,my love. tg
Just a short note to say I'm thinking of you with kindness during a difficult moment.
I love when you write about what you are going thru. I know that death is so incomprehensible to me and it touches us all on such a deep level. You are putting it into words like a true artist. I liked the little bit of red you added to the black. That's the way to go!!
Sending many good thoughts and hugs your way as you are missing your boy today, Lunchlady2. I hope somewhere he is at peace and feels your love for him.
You all are so wonderful I had just a minute to pop in at work to read and your support is so incredible..thank you.
Years ago my oldest brother gave me some wonderful words to use whenever things were really rough, really horrible. He reminded me to use them also when times are absolutely fabulous: This too shall pass. In your case, your grief will not pass, but it may gradually become more tolerable, and you will do more of what you are already doing--focusing on the happy moments you had with your son.
I know that it is hard when the loss is still so close, but, celebrate his life. Death comes for everyone and few are gone too late. The ones who love the lost are there to remember the joys of that life.

I would add that it seems a bit insensitive of your co-workers to have you don black when you have just suffered the tragic loss of your son.
There will always be bad days and painful reminders, but from somewhere comes the strength to cope. The support of others goes a long way.

I hope you can enjoy the celebration despite the pain.
You are a role model for the ability of writing to heal. Keep writing, it heals us all.
rated with love and another virtual hug
It sounds like you are handling the grieving process well. Your courage and loving heart will get you through.
You're going to keep running into roadblocks, but it looks like you're finding your way around and through them. Your "I think I can" attitude serves you well.
I say hugs all around. I dont think we ever stop remembering.
Sweetheart, sometimes all we can do is get up and go through the motions. Sometimes that's all we have the strength for . . . and it is enough. Just let it out.

Big hugs, (From Boo too)
So very sorry you are suffering. Live for your son, LL. Do for yourself what he would want you to. Live as best you can. For both of you. In his name and for his memory. As tough as this may be, your joy can keep his spirit within you.
Well said. You are a lot stronger than you think. There's nothing wrong with tears either. I know I keep saying this, but life's just not like the movies.
"The ones who love the lost are there to remember the joys of that life." Our bobbot is a very wise man, isn't he? I say take this opportunity to celebrate your son's life, and try to forgive your coworkers for their inadvertent insensitivity. You are strong enough to pull that off, this I know.

well, good! keep up with the damn world that they say
"goes on" . "Life goes on.."
Black for his birthday? Is he a vampire aficionado? hM...

"sometime when we may catch each other alone I will tell him his life is not even close to being over it has only just begun.''

that is the message to relay. you know it.
your personal loss may make it feel like poison in yr throat,
but life goes on, and the amenities must be supplemented
by the eternal truths....
hideous pain is waiting for all of us...
as we watch our loved ones go in the ground...

what it all means is something we give our story to,
we the living. The dead depend on us for that,
to tell their do u......
I made it and it was not at bad as feared. I think if I had not come here and "talked" it out I would have held it in all day and made the day bad for me. I guess only I can control how good or bad my day is and I need to realize that. Thank you all for your kind support as I move through, towards acceptance.
Sending you a hug and keeping you in my prayers
What great courage you have shown. Just putting one foot in front of the other may be the only course you can take. Love and hugs for all of those days ahead. R
I still have the black silk roses presented on my 5oth B'day party... hmmm... I can offer no comfort except to second phyllis45's comment... wish there was something...
Richard and Mimi Farina:

Load the link and listed and they're my gift to you.
Oh, Lady! It is still raw, the wound.
jmac1949, I will come back and listen tonight from home and I thank you! I thank you all for the loving support always...