As I was thinking through my life the other day and how I want to proceed I came to the very sad realization that I am waiting for someone else’s son to die so I can be free to live. I am waiting for someone else’s father to die so I can be free.
It stopped me in my tracks, one of those oh shit moments in life we hate when we receive the message.
I have much thinking to do; while I really cannot stand the mean mouthed man anymore to divorce he will destroy us both. Neither of us have the money to move, his disability sucked us dry and when I divorced my first husband because I was working, two jobs at the time, I was ordered to pay him spousal support and buy his half of the house out. My house is barely worth what I owe even though I have owned it for over 33 years.
I think I am stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place.
Maybe I will stop the waiting for him to die thought; maybe I don’t need him to die for me to live. I have my small room in the back of the house; I have a beautiful yard swing my youngest daughter bought me for my birthday and a fairy fountain on its way from my oldest daughter. I have a big yard with my flowers and garden and so many books to read plus a mobile lap top…..
I have my beautiful granddaughter who wants to stay the night with her Nanny.
I have tickets to go see “Mama Mia” with my daughter and K.D.Lang with my sister and lunch once a month with my daughter in law.
Just maybe it is time to live well in spite of my handicap of a husband and let life happen as it will.
I think I can do that, I know I can do that…maybe?
I am definitely going to give it the old college try!