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Lunchlady 2

Lunchlady 2
Birthday
March 05
Bio
I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye. I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way. I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...

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MARCH 13, 2012 9:35AM

A Thought

Rate: 38 Flag

       As I was thinking through my life the other day and how I want to proceed I came to the very sad realization that I am waiting for someone else’s son to die so I can be free to live. I am waiting for someone else’s father to die so I can be free. 

It stopped me in my tracks, one of those oh shit moments in life we hate when we receive the message. 

I have much thinking to do; while I really cannot stand the mean mouthed man anymore to divorce he will destroy us both. Neither of us have the money to move, his disability sucked us dry and when I divorced my first husband because I was working, two jobs at the time, I was ordered to pay him spousal support and buy his half of the house out. My house is barely worth what I owe even though I have owned it for over 33 years. 

I think I am stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place. 

Maybe I will stop the waiting for him to die thought; maybe I don’t need him to die for me to live. I have my small room in the back of the house; I have a beautiful yard swing my youngest daughter bought me for my birthday and a fairy fountain on its way from my oldest daughter. I have a big yard with my flowers and garden and so many books to read plus a mobile lap top….. 

I have my beautiful granddaughter who wants to stay the night with her Nanny.

I have tickets to go see “Mama Mia” with my daughter and K.D.Lang with my sister and lunch once a month with my daughter in law. 

Just maybe it is time to live well in spite of my handicap of a husband and let life happen as it will. 

I think I can do that, I know I can do that…maybe?

I am definitely going to give it the old college try! 

 

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Comments

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I think you're right. We can't wait too long to enjoy ourselves. Best wishes.
Way too much thinking going on! Get ya a bottle of Jack, call in some male strippers and put on your Lady Gaga outfit! Only thing you'll be waiting for after that is for your head to stop pounding.
Me dressed as Lady Gaga I almost spit my coffee all over my screen! Now THAT would make the husband move out :)
very positive post, thank you
"Just maybe it is time to live well in spite of my handicap of a husband and let life happen as it will." Exactly. You have such a capacity for joy, enjoy yourself.
Do what you have to do to be happy.
Times in my life when I felt most deserted in my marriage, I have done the same, somewhat sucessfully, I found. Making a space in my home just for me, my books, flowers, old mirrors and pillows, music. I also found, once made these places served me no matter what my mood or phase, as a place for introspection not hiding. Hoping you make such a space for yourself, sanctuary.
Not only can you do it, but you must do it. We only get one shot at Life so don't waste a minute of it. I have faith in you. You can find your happiness again.
You are so remarkable and have a deep spring of resources within.
I am happy to see you reach out to life.
rated with love
What insight you show here...yes, enjoy, go be free in the now and don't wait for later.
You can do it, like the Chicken Mann say's. Pay him no attention and live your life. He might hang in there for years!
Lunchlady, what a wonderful thought. You don't have to wait for him to die to begin living your life. And... why not put him in the little room in the back of the house while you take your living room back? Sometimes just moving your same old furniture around makes things seem new. Move pictures to different walls, move the couch, put the TV in a different place. And think about putting your husband in the guest room.

Why do you have the little room at the back of the house?

Just asking.

Sounds like a great time to think about moving things, and maybe people, around.
What a great attitude and a well-written piece.
Uh...call me when the strippers arrive...
I too am waiting on a particular result . Absent that in the distance result, I can't concieve of just living. I guess it's called "stuck." It does feel as if carving out that space, just to exist with some peace, seperate from that desired outcome, is such a struggle. I think you are on your way. Best wishes.
Now this situation I can relate to and I find it so sad that women are stuck in relationships that bring them no joy due to finances and other situations.

But as you say, there are always happier distractions, things to look forward to and that eternal thing called hope. Hang onto them all.
I KNOW you can do this.

Your beliefs become your thoughts, --Check
Your thoughts become your words, --Check
Your words become your actions, --Something tells me, you’ve already acted on this, which means:

You’re ½ way there already!

Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
I think people here have suggested AlAnon to you before. What you're doing now seems like what you could learn there - detachment. I think it's a good plan. Make your own life as good as you can and don't let anyone else bring you down. Of course, he'll try.
You have many blessings to count whether things are good or bad. Garden, books and mostly many who love u!
What is it that you are attached to, exactly? Do not wait for your real life to begin (as in the song by Colin Hay), walk away now, because you can.
To say you, "Cannot afford" a divorce is an illusion, it is a form of Maya, a projection you put forth into a world to avoid the additional Maya you perceive as a difficult thing that must be avoided. What harm comes to you if you lose everything, and gain harmony?

Leave now, material cost is irrelevant; your spiritual well being is the only thing you have the power to change.

Or, continue to suffer the things your own mind generates.
good gosh, dear lady! what else can you ask for:
good books, a laptop!
flowers! lunch! mama mia!
k.d.!
plus all your goofball sappy oddball friends
here !
thy cup overfloweth!

As Deepak Chopra says,
"The secret of attraction is to love yourself.
Attractive people judge neither themselves nor others.
They are open to gestures of love.
They think about love, and express their love in every action.
They know that love is not a mere sentiment,
but the ultimate truth at the heart of the universe...
Focus on the quality of life.
Add life to your years and then years will be added to your life."
Better to live in the now than wait for the future. It's great to see you relishing the plans you have. Enjoy Mamma Mia- it's fun! I saw it in Sacramento the last time it came through.
I guess I am to afraid of being poor to let my house go but I also have an open mind to what may happen when I go my own way leaving him behind. I like my back bedroom it has its own bathroom and it is pretty big and I am content for now to see where life leads.
I appreciate all your comments and support and wish I had more time to sit and read to give back. I hope in time I will! Thank you all...
I think you are doing fine in your own room. Treating a drunk with respect is something I do not regret. I flirted on the internet but always took good care of him and in the end I helped him die because no one else would or could. Now that I am free it is a whole new ball game. I sometimes miss the old drunk because he was always right were I put him. Normal people are so active they have no time for me. So the grass is always greener. Enjoy that garden and give yourself lots of time. Life and love take time.
Now you're cooking with gas! That's the spirit. The hell with Mister. Make yourself happy doing whatever you want to do and let his fate play out without your participation. Yay!

Lezlie
I love the list of good things, & I bet there's more you can add !
"...maybe I don’t need him to die for me to live." Live, live, live. Sounds like you have a good plan and are focusing on what you can control. Stay strong.
The room in the back with the garden sounds cozy. Go for it!!!!
Could ya hurry him along a bit? Nah, if you're anything like me you'll get caught. Oh well, I guess living it will be. Make you enjoy it damn it.
Fuck the man and let him rot in his own filth. Pardon my French, you need to get on with things and put him in the way back of your mind except for the occasional happy dream you have of him actually being dead. Never give up Ll2, I got your back if you ever need it. My best as always, older/exasperated
Taking a good hard look at you life and liking what you see. Good for you.
I believe you can live and live well. I'm glad you're ready to "give it the old college try." May your efforts be blessed with abundant living!
OMG you must be strong and I appreciate that quality in you. Hope you weather this storm too.!
........(¯`v´¯) (¯`v´¯)
☼•*¨`*•.¸.(ˆ◡ˆ).¸.•*
............... *•.¸.•* ♥⋆★•❥ Thanx & Blessings(ツ) & ♥ L☼√Ξ ☼ ♥
⋆───★•❥ ☼ .¸¸.•*`*•.♥
A saving epiphany: yes, you can. Now that you thought of it!

(I like the "oh shit moment" idea: sort of like "aha moments" that are unsettling.)
You are such an amazing group of folks I can't even begin to tell you how you have saved my life and then this morning I come in to read comments and they make me laugh and smile and nod my head. Thank you all so very much for the love you show this woman you have never even met yet treat like she is your sister.
This is a good thought sweet lady.
Keep on keeping on.
I wish you and Suzie were my sisters!
I like your thought. We imprison ourselves sometimes, but I think you've discovered the key.
A good thought! Might as well make the best of what we have and try to ignore the rest. Sounds like you're moving to a good emotional place...tho mourning will probably trip you up periodically. All best...
Onward and upwards...live on LL. Accent on the positive YES! :D
Well yeah......why not!!!??????????
What is the saying...."bloom where you are planted?"

Love it LL2
Can't believe I missed this post... Oh well, I'm gettin old and forgetful. Know about that waiting thing... and about the net worth thing as well... carpe diem.
that you blogged about the experience shows you are already paying it enough attention, the first sure sign that you are already "trying". Now, you have to work to keep it up. Nice to know you.