I know I will, in time, accept my son has died, I know I will quit crying, find my smile again. It may take longer than I want it to or maybe it will take just the right amount of time and I need to accept that too.
But for now I find when I read others happy life's, blessings and of birthdays all it seems to do for me is make me regret what my life has given me to handle. It makes me jealous that my whole life has been a struggle a never ending struggle.
I find I am jealous of happily ever after couples, of others children's birthdays, births, happiness.
I find I wonder why me a lot, what have I done so horrible that my children die, that I can't find happiness and love, that I am always struggling always freaking struggling....
All I see right now is a fat old woman who never says the right words, who moves like a sloth, who may never sleep well again and I find I am starting to hate her for her pettiness and jealousy.
I miss my son, I miss having a mate to laugh and grow old with, I miss my laugh, my wit, my sparkle and my patience with others.
I'll get through this too, others have much worse lives than I do, others suffer daily. I have a home, a job, children and a grandchild who love me.
I wish I would wake up, that this horrible dream would end, that I could celebrate life again.
I will, someday, if I keep writing the demons from my mind, I will, while life will never ever be the same again it will get better with time.
Right now I hate that I bring everyone down, that I am jealous of others happiness, that my very best friend in life has died.
I hate that all I bring to OS right now is sadness.
I'm lost, and terribly sad but somehow life keeps moving along leaving me only two options, to jump back in or leave, since leaving is the cowards way and I am not a coward I guess I really only have the one choice.
If you all will bear with me for awhile longer I won't be giving up and I will find my smile, my laugh, how to sleep well again, maybe helping somebody else who can't write it all out in the process.
I am not alone, there are many who have lost their children it is just not something we talk about in polite society.
Maybe it's time to change that...
I don't like this picture of me but I love this picture of us...I miss my son so much.