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Lunchlady 2

Lunchlady 2
March 05
I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye. I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way. I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...


JANUARY 22, 2012 2:39PM

Sadness, Jealousy and Party Pooping

Rate: 36 Flag

I know I will, in time, accept my son has died, I know I will quit crying, find my smile again. It may take longer than I want it to or maybe it will take just the right amount of time and I need to accept that too.

But for now I find when I read others happy life's, blessings and of birthdays all it seems to do for me is make me regret what my life has given me to handle. It makes me jealous that my whole life has been a struggle a never ending struggle.

I find I am jealous of happily ever after couples, of others children's birthdays, births, happiness.

I find I wonder why me a lot, what have I done so horrible that my children die, that I can't find happiness and love, that I am always struggling always freaking struggling....

All I see right now is a fat old woman who never says the right words, who moves like a sloth, who may never sleep well again and I find I am starting to hate her for her pettiness and jealousy.

I miss my son, I miss having a mate to laugh and grow old with, I miss my laugh, my wit, my sparkle and my patience with others.

I'll get through this too, others have much worse lives than I do, others suffer daily. I have a home, a job, children and a grandchild who love me.

I wish I would wake up, that this horrible dream would end, that I could celebrate life again.

I will, someday, if I keep writing the demons from my mind, I will, while life will never ever be the same again it will get better with time.

Right now I hate that I bring everyone down, that I am jealous of others happiness, that my very best friend in life has died.

I hate that all I bring to OS right now is sadness.

I'm lost, and terribly sad but somehow life keeps moving along leaving me only two options, to jump back in or leave, since leaving is the cowards way and I am not a coward I guess I really only have the one choice.

If you all will bear with me for awhile longer I won't be giving up and I will find my smile, my laugh, how to sleep well again, maybe helping somebody else who can't write it all out in the process.

I am not alone, there are many who have lost their children it is just not something we talk about in polite society.

Maybe it's time to change that...

Me and Joe 

I don't like this picture of me but I love this picture of us...I miss my son so much.

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I simply cannot imagine losing my son.
Cowards way? Thinking it would be my way.
So sorry ll2... so sorry
somehow life keeps moving along
leaving me only two options, to jump back in
or leave, since leaving is the cowards way and I am
not a coward I guess I really only have the one choice..

similar to my condition, bipolar.

pain is what u have now.
but pain , suffering, is the human condition, yes?
beneath the slick middle class lifestyle...under the fabulously
rich lifestyle which yet
inspires people to

pain is the universal subject.

you need to analyze and depict it for us.

we, who will someday experience it, certainly...

or already are, in quiet desperation with a happy face
plastered on our misery............

you have been , uh..."blessed" with the ultimate pain for a
purpose: to map pain, make it conscious, give us insights, give
us hope.

meanwhile, i send this bit of hope to you:
life is best lived in an interested disinterest....
i dunno what that really means..
but..but keep writing, yes.
So so sorry for your loss. Sending love to you.
You don't "bring sadness" to OS; you bring truth and frustration and bewilderment and write about them with honesty and candor. Not everyone has experienced what you have but most of us have gone through or are going through devastating circumstances. But not everyone can give voice to it which is why reading you is so cathartic. You ask the questions we all do at one time or another. You state the feelings we all have, about trying to find meaning in chaos, about trying to make sense of the senseless. As you say, not everyone can write this out so you speak for many. You're helping not just yourself but others.
What a lovely photo of you BOTH...
Please know that you are loved and appreciated and looked upon as a gorgeous soul.
We are here, for what it's worth...
You all, this place is my sanity home, it is where I come when the grief overwhelms me and I can't hide anymore. I release, I cry, I wail, sob, and want to fling myself across the bed screaming, but that would upset the 4 cats on my bed hiding from the rain outside so I sit in my rocking chair and I read your comments and somehow my breathing slows down and the tears come slower and I find I will get through this somehow, someway I will find my way to the side of joy again. For that I thank you all...
You have had so much suffering in your life and this loss of your son, was just a crucial blow. I know there is no sense to it, but that seems to be a common thread in life, some things make no sense especially the hurtful things. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that someday things will be better for you.
I really identify with what you write in this post. I get jealous when I see other people walking down the street and I have to wonder, why Marty, why did she have the strokes, why not them -- I think it's just part of the loss and may never go away. I know that's not who I am, or who I want to be -- it just is...And know that as you grieve, you guide others through the process.
You are doig the very right thing here LL.
Please continue to write out the pain and grief.
You help so many of us understand.
My heart aches for you.
I love this picture of you and that wonderful son.
and you are well loved here.
Certainly by me and plenty of others....
I cannot even imagine going through what you are, and handling it with the grace, dignity and truth, as you are. Hugs to you.
Bring those demons right here, Terri, and put them down in full view so we can kick them in the head and shove them out the door. We'll keep doing this for you until the damned things are all out the door and gone. BTW, that's a lovely photo of you and your son.
I just wish I could hug you. And cry with you. Sending you all my love - can you feel it?
One of my best friends lost her son 1 wk before his college graduation. She copes by keeping him in her heart every day and feeling like he is there to share the joys and challenges of life with her and the rest of the family. In the Jewish tradition, which doesn't conflict with other religions, your son lives on forever in the hearts and minds of his survivors and in the actions and influences he made during his time on Earth.
As a mother, the worst thing I can imagine is terrible, unending physical and mental suffering of my son, and the 2nd worst is his premature death.
You are joined by all parents.
Lack of sleep is so common with grief and so debilitating. I don't mind you sharing your sadness. What is a blog if not a venting apparatus. Here's hoping you can soon get a good night's rest.
I can't imagine a single soul here would deny your grief, and right to it. But, you don't want to have a right to your grief, you want to have freedom from it- which demands the impossible.
It's okay to not join in the endless joys of others lives, because in time you will feel connected again, differently. We wish for it, always, that time in our lives when everything is running smoothly, perfectly put together, a well oiled machine that needs little tending, and we can just go on our autopilot. Life doesn't run like a machine, and you do not have the heart of one. Cry when you want to, and at the times you don't want to, celebrate the reprieve.
Terri, I think you're doing the best you can. The sad truth of it is that those who really can understand your pain wouldn't wish it on anyone. Those of us who can't don't even want to look, because we don't want to begin to imagine it.

You are doing the very best you can, soldiering on, going to work, holding on to the good things you have, and knowing somewhere in your heart that you will emerge one day. I think it's interesting that your avatar pic looks a little like a butterfly. You're deep, deep in a cocoon, and one day you'll come out. To us on the outside, and maybe even to you on the inside, it looks like nothing's happening in there, that everything is stuck. But it isn't.

Good luck to you Terri. You have all of us here on OS who have your back.
Dear Lady, I like that photo of you two together very much. Do not try to get over this mountain of grief too fast. It must and will be climbed, and at your own pace, and I know you are sick of it, but there's a green valley on the other side, and your son is waiting to welcome you there, in your own time. In the meantime, we are here and will listen.
" others have much worse lives than I do, others suffer daily."

I was told recently, here on OS, that your pain is your pain and you can't compare it to anyone else's. Personally, I look at other people and see where I could be worse off, too. And the why me's. I ask why I am alone and have never known love and a family of mine own. We all have a list of those, too. I'm learning to see the good stuff I get from others. It's subtle but it's there. So keep hanging in. It will all look less grim someday.
Dear lunchlady2, you are indeed helping others by helping yourself here. You express so eloquently the feelings that many simply cannot put to words.
Please continue to share yourself with us - it is a gift, not a burden, to us. And that picture is a beautiful tribute to the love you so clearly share! My tears join yours to wash away some of the pain, one tiny drop at a time.
You know I love you so much. Have you tried writing fiction? I know Anne Rice lost her daughter and that is when she started to write her vampire books and put in a character who was a little girl vampire who would never die. My deceased boyfriend's daughter is writing. She wrote 20,000 words since his death nine months ago. I write too. I write to save my soul. I know you do too. Peace is a journey.
I'd like to send you a PM, L. L.
I agree, we should and must talk about loss more, and not hide our sorrow. But it is hard, and so many of us feel ashamed for being down and bringing that to the world. But it's part of the healing, and for every post you put up about your son's death, another mother out there is glad you've written down what she could not.

I can see your smile coming back soon.
Thanks for writing this. The caption on the photo encapsulates everything you've said so well. I'm so sorry for your loss.
no words can be enough
simply prayers
wrapped over and around
your heart, your mind, your sorrow.

Be yourself with us. Let people love you and give to you as much as you have loved and given of yourself to so many for so long.
I am so sorry, lunchlady. So very sorry.

as others have said...unimaginable pain.
All your feelings are valid, are real, are yours. You need to deal with your grief in your way - and, we your friends, will stay with you on that journey. I love the picture - I see Joe watching over you!
I haven't lost a child which I can only think is the worst thing a mother could have to deal with, but I do consider I've had a tough road to travel and mostly not my fault. I too feel envious of those with happy marriages, carefree days and few worries.

But in my experience people who have suffered are far more real and compassionate and I firmly believe we should express our emotions honestly and not pretend to be Pollyannas just because we think others prefer those sort of people.

You have suffered a great deal and have every right to grieve. No apologies needed. Be who you are, continue writing from the heart and know there are many of us who will share your sorrows and be there to help in lifting you.
Thank you all for your kind thoughtful comments. I think I love the idea of my son still standing behind me helping me giving me strength to keep going. I think I will hold on to that as I move forward. It is only 4 out here but it is raining and dark and I think I may try to lie down for awhile. Know I read, hell I absorb every comment and they keep me going, learning, growing and I thank you.
I'm so sorry, but your writing is good for you and good for us. You get a little bit of relief from the overwhelming grief and we get reminded how precious life is. I've lost some family lately and I can't begin to put it into words.
I love Margaret's word: bewilderment. I too am bewildered why so much loss, so much sadness, so much struggle some people have to bear. I have no answers, but I am here, along with the others, to read your words and to hold your hand. xo
Your son was a good-looking man who looked a lot like his mother! Thanks for posting this picture. It gives us all a chance to see the face we carry in our thoughts as you work through your grief.

────────────────▄████▄ My you have a glass of something fine.... knowing your grief is well placed and that your son was divine.
Be kind to yourself, Lunch Lady. You've had a terrible blow--of course it seems unfair that you have yet another grief to master. You've been dealt a very rough hand. No wonder you're not in the mood to rejoice when other people seem to be having all the fun.

A mother's heartbreak is hard to get over but you will eventually even if a little remains behind. Blessings and happiness to you.
Each time you post something you give a little piece of your grief to each of us. And we are happy to take it from you, to lighten your immense sadness even just a tiny little bit. Your son -- so beautiful, and his love for you so obvious.
Strength, peace and love. A father here at OS, who also lost his son, once told me that he cried every day for ten years. I'm at two years and still crying each day. It is a pain unimaginable.
Oryoki Bowl says so very well what I wanted to say. Please go easy on yourself, Terri. Cry, write and do whatever it is you need to do ...don't bottle it up or hide it from others.

And, Terri, what I like about that photo of you that you look so darn proud. And so you should be!

Much love to you.

Your pride in your son is visible in that picture. It's beautiful. A beautiful picture of both of you. Yes, "write your way through the demons." The jealously and resentment you feel are understandable. It's almost impossible to share in another's joy while you still seem to be drowning in your own pain.
And yes, grief is something that should be discussed more in "polite society."
It's hard to get people talking about it because most of us know that we're only one tragedy away from being in deep grief ourselves. When we love we are (I forget who expressed it this way) "hostages to fortune."
If we love, we can lose and, when we lose, we grieve...
Who wants to think or talk about that? Nobody except for those who are grieving.
Which means that those of us who are not (at this moment) grieving should sit on our fear, supestition and discomfort and open ourselves up to those who are. Because we will all be there sometime. Nobody gets out of here alive...
I hope the writing helps. I hope there is something that helps. And I wish (pray) for you, miracles of love and renewal.
Hi Sweetie I don't have anything to add except to let you know we are here and please do not, on top of everything else, get down on yourself for imagined things like worrying about writing your sadness out here on OS. I am just glad we can be this much to you, whatever solace we bring. Do not get down on yourself for your grief.
I love the photo of you two, too. I have a son, and I can't imagine how painful it would be to lose him. My heart breaks for you. At the same time, though, I admire your strength and courage.
Pain is one of the things we all have in common has humans. It's okay to feel it, to talk about it, to acknowledge it. Don't hide from your feelings, and don't feel you have to hide them from anyone else. You're in my prayers.
Thank you all for hanging with me yesterday it seems somedays are much harder than others, not that any have been easy yet but yesterday I had to ask my family to help pay for my sons gravestone. and while they will, to ask kills me. Put all that together and I was having a really bad day. I thank you for the support, the wonderful advice and for telling me the truth which I really do need to hear. Thank you all so much...
You'll get through this most difficult time in your life. Change starts with you. Everything you've written here has helped me and many others.

One of my closest friends recently lost his daughter to suicide and it still hurts us all deeply. Even though time heals some heartache, when her birthday/DOD comes or other holidays families share together, try to focus on the positive aspects of our children's lives.
Your intense grief is healthy and normal. Grieve as you must but don't think it odd or unusual. My wife went almost 15 years ago. The pain is more deeply buried now but it never goes away. And still, at odd, strange times, I find myself crying.

You might check with your local YWCA for information about groups for people in your situation where each helps others to cope. Best to you.