I know I will, in time, accept my son has died, I know I will quit crying, find my smile again. It may take longer than I want it to or maybe it will take just the right amount of time and I need to accept that too.
But for now I find when I read others happy life's, blessings and of birthdays all it seems to do for me is make me regret what my life has given me to handle. It makes me jealous that my whole life has been a struggle a never ending struggle.
I find I am jealous of happily ever after couples, of others children's birthdays, births, happiness.
I find I wonder why me a lot, what have I done so horrible that my children die, that I can't find happiness and love, that I am always struggling always freaking struggling....
All I see right now is a fat old woman who never says the right words, who moves like a sloth, who may never sleep well again and I find I am starting to hate her for her pettiness and jealousy.
I miss my son, I miss having a mate to laugh and grow old with, I miss my laugh, my wit, my sparkle and my patience with others.
I'll get through this too, others have much worse lives than I do, others suffer daily. I have a home, a job, children and a grandchild who love me.
I wish I would wake up, that this horrible dream would end, that I could celebrate life again.
I will, someday, if I keep writing the demons from my mind, I will, while life will never ever be the same again it will get better with time.
Right now I hate that I bring everyone down, that I am jealous of others happiness, that my very best friend in life has died.
I hate that all I bring to OS right now is sadness.
I'm lost, and terribly sad but somehow life keeps moving along leaving me only two options, to jump back in or leave, since leaving is the cowards way and I am not a coward I guess I really only have the one choice.
If you all will bear with me for awhile longer I won't be giving up and I will find my smile, my laugh, how to sleep well again, maybe helping somebody else who can't write it all out in the process.
I am not alone, there are many who have lost their children it is just not something we talk about in polite society.
Maybe it's time to change that...
I don't like this picture of me but I love this picture of us...I miss my son so much.
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Comments
Cowards way? Thinking it would be my way.
So sorry ll2... so sorry
leaving me only two options, to jump back in
or leave, since leaving is the cowards way and I am
not a coward I guess I really only have the one choice..
similar to my condition, bipolar.
pain is what u have now.
but pain , suffering, is the human condition, yes?
beneath the slick middle class lifestyle...under the fabulously
rich lifestyle which yet
inspires people to
evil.
pain is the universal subject.
you need to analyze and depict it for us.
we, who will someday experience it, certainly...
or already are, in quiet desperation with a happy face
plastered on our misery............
you have been , uh..."blessed" with the ultimate pain for a
purpose: to map pain, make it conscious, give us insights, give
us hope.
meanwhile, i send this bit of hope to you:
life is best lived in an interested disinterest....
i dunno what that really means..
but.
but..but keep writing, yes.
Please know that you are loved and appreciated and looked upon as a gorgeous soul.
We are here, for what it's worth...
Please continue to write out the pain and grief.
You help so many of us understand.
My heart aches for you.
I love this picture of you and that wonderful son.
and you are well loved here.
Certainly by me and plenty of others....
As a mother, the worst thing I can imagine is terrible, unending physical and mental suffering of my son, and the 2nd worst is his premature death.
You are joined by all parents.
It's okay to not join in the endless joys of others lives, because in time you will feel connected again, differently. We wish for it, always, that time in our lives when everything is running smoothly, perfectly put together, a well oiled machine that needs little tending, and we can just go on our autopilot. Life doesn't run like a machine, and you do not have the heart of one. Cry when you want to, and at the times you don't want to, celebrate the reprieve.
You are doing the very best you can, soldiering on, going to work, holding on to the good things you have, and knowing somewhere in your heart that you will emerge one day. I think it's interesting that your avatar pic looks a little like a butterfly. You're deep, deep in a cocoon, and one day you'll come out. To us on the outside, and maybe even to you on the inside, it looks like nothing's happening in there, that everything is stuck. But it isn't.
Good luck to you Terri. You have all of us here on OS who have your back.
I was told recently, here on OS, that your pain is your pain and you can't compare it to anyone else's. Personally, I look at other people and see where I could be worse off, too. And the why me's. I ask why I am alone and have never known love and a family of mine own. We all have a list of those, too. I'm learning to see the good stuff I get from others. It's subtle but it's there. So keep hanging in. It will all look less grim someday.
Please continue to share yourself with us - it is a gift, not a burden, to us. And that picture is a beautiful tribute to the love you so clearly share! My tears join yours to wash away some of the pain, one tiny drop at a time.
They read you and they know they are not alone.
Blessings. / r
I can see your smile coming back soon.
simply prayers
wrapped over and around
your heart, your mind, your sorrow.
Be yourself with us. Let people love you and give to you as much as you have loved and given of yourself to so many for so long.
I am so sorry, lunchlady. So very sorry.
as others have said...unimaginable pain.
But in my experience people who have suffered are far more real and compassionate and I firmly believe we should express our emotions honestly and not pretend to be Pollyannas just because we think others prefer those sort of people.
You have suffered a great deal and have every right to grieve. No apologies needed. Be who you are, continue writing from the heart and know there are many of us who will share your sorrows and be there to help in lifting you.
Lezlie
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────────────────▄████▄ My you have a glass of something fine.... knowing your grief is well placed and that your son was divine.
Rated.
And, Terri, what I like about that photo of you ...is that you look so darn proud. And so you should be!
Much love to you.
Kate
And yes, grief is something that should be discussed more in "polite society."
It's hard to get people talking about it because most of us know that we're only one tragedy away from being in deep grief ourselves. When we love we are (I forget who expressed it this way) "hostages to fortune."
If we love, we can lose and, when we lose, we grieve...
Who wants to think or talk about that? Nobody except for those who are grieving.
Which means that those of us who are not (at this moment) grieving should sit on our fear, supestition and discomfort and open ourselves up to those who are. Because we will all be there sometime. Nobody gets out of here alive...
I hope the writing helps. I hope there is something that helps. And I wish (pray) for you, miracles of love and renewal.
One of my closest friends recently lost his daughter to suicide and it still hurts us all deeply. Even though time heals some heartache, when her birthday/DOD comes or other holidays families share together, try to focus on the positive aspects of our children's lives.
You might check with your local YWCA for information about groups for people in your situation where each helps others to cope. Best to you.
.