Where do I start?

We grew up together me 2 months from turning 19 when you were born. You were only 11 years younger than your youngest uncle. You not only grew up with me but with all of your aunts and uncles too.

You were the apple of your Grandma's eye's and she doted on you flying out to visit right after your birth and the second time I ever saw her cry was when she had to leave, moving back to California as quickly as she could to be closer to you.

Your Aunt Suzie had you almost as much as I did, if I set you down she picked you up and I don't know for your first year if you ever went to bed without one of us rocking you until you dozed off. Then holding you unwilling to set you down, give you up.

You were all alone for 5 years until I knew it was time to have another and you were delighted with the idea of having a brother or sister and when I came home with both, you were a bit confused but grew quickly to be a very wonderful big brother.

I still remember sitting on your bed with you trying hard to explain to a 5 year old mind why God was taking away your baby brother and why couldn't he stay. I have always hoped I explained it just well enough for you to understand and then we moved your sister's crib into your room beside your bed while we waited for the inevitable outcome.

I tried hard to give you all the tools to become a wonderful man throwing in baseball and Boy Scouts along the way to give you more tools to deal with life.

Your first marriage ended amicably your ex wife just recently letting me know you still called her every year on her birthday and wished her well and how much she appreciated that.

The road you were traveling then had me fearful when the phone rang at night or there was a late night knock on the door. I  can not count the trips to bring you gas, or food, or have your vehicle towed but it somehow made us even closer. Letting you sleep in parks in your truck killing me but I had no other options. Driving you hours to work and back and visiting you in your  very short stint in road camp all part of being a mom. Giving you a fifth wheel to live in while getting on your feet had your brothers hiding food in their rooms but it was all good. Your siblings are all so sad you are gone...

That you cleaned up your act and met the most loving woman in the world gave me such joy that I cannot even find words to share it. You were going back to school to become an aviation mechanic, planning on moving to Washington state and adopting a child....

Then our world caved in and we sat and we prayed and we waited. I wish the last time you and I talked, you were mouthing words over the ventilator, I had known what you wanted, but all I could do was hold your hand and promise you that you were very sick and it was going to be okay.

I didn't want to say goodbye but you were tired and I know you had already left your shell to go be with your Grandma and brother and we let your shell go even through the tears I could see you were long gone, your touch empty.

Your friends, your hundreds of friends, have been calling, texting and facebooking me. They want to help, they need to remember you, they are so very sad you are not going to be here at your remembering day where we even have one of your best friends flying back from Georgia.

I know you will be there, and you will see just how well you were loved.

You, my dear child, were an amazing man who was loved by everyone he met, every stranger he helped, the light in an otherwise dark world and I will miss you until the day I am finally allowed to join with you and your brother once again.

I love you son, I will miss your laugh, smile and the way you jacked your eyebrow when I said something silly.

I love you, I already miss you....