I received a call last night from the hospital and they talked of moving my son to another hospital so he could see a neurologist and I agreed driving over this morning to complete paperwork.
My daughter was there too to sit with her brother.
One of the Dr's asked if they could meet with us and we agreed thinking this couldn't be good.
My son has less than a 30% chance of coming out of his coma intact. They think at 39 he is so sick he has had a stroke and the valley fever meningitis given fungus has spread to his brain and is pushing on his brain stem.
If he lives he will forever be on pills and I Vs and probably unable to communicate.
We are not giving up yet but I fear soon I will once again be asked to let my child die and this time I don't know that I want to wake up the next day, or even tomorrow.....
I sobbed so hard coming home I thought my heart would break and it still might. I can't quit crying to call my sister although she knows, my daughter and I called her first thing, but I have no voice yet but here.
I am mad at the world, at God for asking me to give two children up by my choice, my voice, at myself for not knowing how very sick he was and I just want out, I want to quit, to run away or just stop trying.
But then I think of my children, my grand baby and even though all I want to do is to lie down and die I know I can't that they need me to be here for them, to love them and accept what I don't think I can accept.
I don't know if I can do this............