I received a call last night from the hospital and they talked of moving my son to another hospital so he could see a neurologist and I agreed driving over this morning to complete paperwork.
My daughter was there too to sit with her brother.
One of the Dr's asked if they could meet with us and we agreed thinking this couldn't be good.
My son has less than a 30% chance of coming out of his coma intact. They think at 39 he is so sick he has had a stroke and the valley fever meningitis given fungus has spread to his brain and is pushing on his brain stem.
If he lives he will forever be on pills and I Vs and probably unable to communicate.
We are not giving up yet but I fear soon I will once again be asked to let my child die and this time I don't know that I want to wake up the next day, or even tomorrow.....
I sobbed so hard coming home I thought my heart would break and it still might. I can't quit crying to call my sister although she knows, my daughter and I called her first thing, but I have no voice yet but here.
I am mad at the world, at God for asking me to give two children up by my choice, my voice, at myself for not knowing how very sick he was and I just want out, I want to quit, to run away or just stop trying.
But then I think of my children, my grand baby and even though all I want to do is to lie down and die I know I can't that they need me to be here for them, to love them and accept what I don't think I can accept.
I don't know if I can do this............
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Kerry Lauerman
Steven Rockford
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Spencer Thripworth III
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Comments
I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
Keep speaking here and we will listen. We love you.
I know how you feel.
I buried two sons.
:-(
Whatever comes, I wish you peace.
I will be back when I can and I am holding tight to the 30%...and prayer.
Once again ,...not sure that words here suffice!
My prayers for you and yours LL2!
PM me if you want real names/email addresses/phone numbers and my "Minister Hat." We don't have answers either (we clergy folk) but we do know how to keep company with those who are walking through the dark valleys. If you want my hand (from this distance a virtual hand; but still) you can have it! Love and hopes and prayers for you and yours!
Hating it every step of the way, whichever way that might be.
You can do this.
Come here when you can, yell, scream, rage. We're here, we'll listen.
But you CAN do this.
Rated for strength to get through, and peace to recover.
Strength and Godspeed.
We're here whenever you need us..
Be mad. You be mad. Then do it. You can, you will.
HUGGGGG
Blessings..
Like has been said, you can do it, and you will!!! Inside you will want to die, to give up, but outside, you won't, you will be strong, like the bull or whatever animal is strong!!!
~another hug~
There's still a chance so hang on and take each day at a time. Whatever happens people are praying for the strength for you to cope. Ultimately acceptance is the key though I realise that's easier said than done.
Keep thinking of your children and the grandbaby and cling to hope.
We have no help to give
We watch your tears fall down like rain
With wanting him to live.
We cannot know what will befall
This youthful son of yours
But should our strength you need to call
Be sure it will be yours.
.
Sending you healing thoughts and love you-for all your family.
rated with love
I left you a voice mail when I caught myself up on the three posts. Now I know why you didn't answer the other night, know that I am only a button away. My arms are around your shoulders and my thoughts remain facing California. Additionally, my church has Joe for survival and you for the strength needed when it is needed.
Love and Hugs!
Hold on, dear friend. Hold on.
Much love,
Kim