She thought it would keep her safe, she thought if she could but keep out those thoughts, those memories she would be her old self, the self she was, she knew, from before those horrible times.

She woke, she worked, she slept, and she wore the face of… Read full post »

I don't know where to start so I am going to write, to set my thoughts to paper and in doing so try to find my way back from my self imposed isolation.

When your children die, through my eyes, you can't ever go back to what was,… Read full post »

Yesterday was our field day for the K-5 and the graduates were practicing in the gym for there walk down the aisle.

It is one fast day, sack lunches for all and craziness everywhere...

In between making the sack lunches and waiting on students for snack I peeked out… Read full post »

That's me right now this week, last week, feels like forever.

I picked my first cherry tomatoes yesterday and that usually brings a smile to my face but they tasted plain and small and sad instead...

I tried, last night, to lie down and remember my son in the… Read full post »

I was sleeping soundly Sunday morning until I heard the sound of one of my cats playing with what I thought a mouse beside my bed, upon further investigation I realized it was a small bird! I chased the cat who dropped the bird, which then laid motionless. I picked the… Read full post »

This morning driving my one mile too work, nothing of real importance playing on my Ipod I felt a presence next to me, my son, my Joey and I reached over and touched where his leg would be and just let it rest there and started to cry, really, really cry...… Read full post »

 I was joking with my girls at work last week and I was telling them about the psychic, what he had said and then laughingly shared with them the idea that for me to meet a man like Jesus would mean the rapture was coming in October and… Read full post »

Yes we are here yet again, seems these birthday's are picking up speed, just a few short years ago we were young and full of life and looking forward to what life had to offer us.

We actually waited awhile longer before planning our futures which never really included college… Read full post »

I went to a psychic fair Saturday, I bought a wonderful medicine bag and some bangles for my granddaughter and then I thought what the hell and sat down with a psychic medium, world famous la de da kind of guy who charged too much and taped our conversation.… Read full post »

I realized today why I did not like how Lord Of The Rings ends, a comment by Doug Socks on my last post opened my eyes and helped me see and it made me sad but it also taught me acceptance.

Frodo throughout the story fights to do right,… Read full post »

I suppose this title could mean these are just my thoughts or they could mean I am righteous in thinking them, entitled if you will, to feel this way.

I have been lost in the world of JRR Tolkien these past few days and in watching The Hobbit and then… Read full post »

"Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

If I should die before I wake,

I pray the Lord my soul to take.

child's bedtime prayer - 18th century"

I used to feel that prayer was to… Read full post »

I have discovered much in my stay here. I have discovered we are all still children, looking for love, acceptance and happiness. Maybe some of us don't know that, but I think it's true.

I have discovered that true love does happen. It is real and alive. I have also discovered… Read full post »

I called my sister last night to let her know my son’s almost fiancé is on self destruct and in the hospital again. This time she is very ill and I don’t know where this road will lead yet and I fight the guilt I feel but can’t explain why… Read full post »

I had a class I needed to go through last week, an 8 hour school food service farm to school sort of thing where you interact with others like yourself.

I needed a haircut and to lose an immense amount of weight in a day and knew I could accomplish… Read full post »

Yesterday morning I  threw open all the windows, all the curtains, turning down the heater knowing I planned to sweep and mop, the broken rib be damned...and I have, only something’s changed.

Maybe it's the blue sky, the hint of spring in the air, the promise of a new… Read full post »

Hand over hand climbing up, falling back, getting back up every day, every step, a bit easier a bit smoother a little less painful, that, at this place and time is my life.

I still have days where tears roll freely down my face, I can't control them… Read full post »

Sitting here in my nightgown, feet wrapped in a Christmas throw, door open to the cold, sunshiny world outside, and the smooth sounds of my very loud wind chimes I find I am contemplating my life.

Old habits keeps repeating in my head, it was the husbands favorite song to… Read full post »

 

After yesterdays post, which I had to actually force myself to send, as I read the comments and the pm’s I started to think clearer than I had in a long while.

 I cried but talked to myself, to my son, and as I cried all these thoughts bombarded… Read full post »

Or maybe I am "just" depressed; we all know I could deserve to be...
I can't get motivated at work,
I just want to sleep or sit in silence,
I don't want music on or even bother to sing along if I do,
I want to crawl into bed with my cats and just stay… Read full post »

It is no secret the last few years of my marriage have been trying, I wrote enough about it and in writing about how hard it was I somehow made it through to the other side.

Now that the husband is gone I want to try to put in… Read full post »

It hits me every once in a while, truthfully a lot, that my son, my first born is dead, even writing the word makes me cry still. His birthday will have been this coming 15th and he would have been turning 41, but he is and will always be in… Read full post »

I have been trying to write for weeks now but can't seem to settle on anything long enough to write about it. My world has turned right side up and I am dangling by my feet...

I am an enabler, have been most of my life, growing into the realization… Read full post »

I wear a facade, a face that never changes, always smiling, always painted on, and forever wearing the mask of yes I’m okay…

I try hard to convince myself and others that everything is fine, I am fine, life is fine, the world is fine, but it isn't and I… Read full post »

It feels funny rolling off my tongue, foreign, like I am speaking about someone else. When I think of a widow I see a sad woman who has lost the love of her life and she is sad past sad and you want to offer her comfort, be there for… Read full post »