Friday was supposed to be my day, I took off work, slept 13 hours and then drove up the hill to visit the graves of my mom and son...not your typical choice for a day off but something I felt I needed to do.

I bought these little windmill type birds, loaded Zena… Read full post »

First one more time HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Then I needed your address if you don't mind. I have some things old videos and such I am working on I hope to finish this summer I would love to send you.

I  really miss you and know it is me that let us… Read full post »

Sometimes I wonder how long I am "supposed" to grieve, do people judge me if they hear me laugh, am I not doing this grieving thing right? Would I judge someone who lost a loved one and then saw them happy? I think I would suppose they were having one good… Read full post »

When I tune in to what/how I am thinking sometimes it stops me in my tracks. You know how your mind wanders I guess mine is so full of thoughts right now it is spilling out like a waterfall invading my every quiet moment. 

I will realize I am thinking… Read full post »

 Sharing my joy, my yard, where  I find peace in my s sometimes too dark world.

I love how bleeding hearts look and this year mine have taken off

They… Read full post »

Yesterday I left work to attend a 3 hour class on the new USDA rules for the school breakfast/lunch program. The day went smooth and the class was enlightening, kind of nice to actually talk to one’s peers and after it was over I headed home.

I had just driven by… Read full post »

 Suzie blowing out the candles and me watching with dad

First born Grandchild she was the apple of every one's eyes especially Grandpa who is the one who always called her Suzie, he would have done anything for her.

And Great Grandma and Grandpa!

Here… Read full post »

I woke up early today to go to another holistic fair but found I could just not motivate, I just sit here and can't even talk myself into showering.

So I have started a pot of pinto beans to throw the Easter ham bone into for dinner, for my family, because… Read full post »

Pictures and a video of  the day we placed the stone. I was left alone for a minute while my sister and her husband drove to help my son's love find the cemetery. It was a sign if ever I saw one.

Happy Easter I am off to my sisters to… Read full post »

Today, after work, I drive the hour up the hill into the beautiful pine, fir, and oak tree, manzanita combo area where my son’s ashes are buried and finally lay my son’s gravestone on his grave. 

My brother in law made a small beautiful marker for my son’s… Read full post »

 At last, in a way, peace, my shoulders relaxed and my breathing slowed and I accepted that I have no say over death, I have no knowledge what happens, where we go, if we go, why we go, and that is okay. 

I will quit worrying if when my… Read full post »

 What if those who die stay here with us until we are okay?

What if they can’t leave until we let them?

What if yesterday, at work, I kept seeing a shadow out of the corner of my eye standing tall?

What if then one of the girls I work… Read full post »

The title is not my best title ever but I can not think of any way to say what I need to say.

Today at work the staff and teachers have been asked to wear black to celebrate another staff members 40^th birthday. He knew my son they played ball together/… Read full post »

I realized the other day quite by accident that until I came here I was utterly invisible. I was embarrassed by my life, by my alcoholic husband, by the woman I perceived myself to be. I kept everything inside for fear someone might guess the hell my life was my… Read full post »

       As I was thinking through my life the other day and how I want to proceed I came to the very sad realization that I am waiting for someone else’s son to die so I can be free to live. I am waiting for someone else’s father to die so I… Read full post »

 I am damn-it I am angry, mad, sad, tired, exhausted, and getting down right mean.

Yes mean, me the Lunchlady the sweet silver haired lady behind the serving line is getting mean, not in a I would ever hurt a child way ( I would NEVER hurt a child) but… Read full post »

   Since my son's death my sister and I have been doing all we can to help his fiance to cope with his loss.She is doing much better and I think she will be okay. That her brother has moved back to be close to her for a couple of years was… Read full post »

This damn roller coaster ride I am on is some days draining...

I had a wonderful lunch yesterday with my daughter in law and my sister, we went to Joe's favorite place, remembering him, laughing over fun times and it was nice.

As we left and I watched my son's… Read full post »

The second grade teacher had asked at the start of this school year if any staff wanted to be mystery readers and I had signed up.

She came to me the other day and asked if I still wanted too saying I did not have to and I remembered… Read full post »

If asked how many children I have I always hesitate, now I hesitate… Read full post »

 Believing everything

Trusting everyone

Faith as her weapon

Love as her shield

Death as her companion

Loss unavoidable

Life lived the same

Eyes wide open in wonder

Innocent until the end

She loves with her heart

She lives to laugh

To please

Only finding pain

And hurt

Until on… Read full post »

This morning right before 4 when the alarm goes off, after I shooed the cats off one last time, telling them I would give them their treat when I got up, I fell back to sleep for a minute.

Joey and I were running playfully through what… Read full post »

That is how I know life will now be and I am trying with all my being to accept this. I am trying when my thoughts automatically go to calling my son to tell him something, happy, sad, funny, silly, knowing he would understand and laugh back with me and then… Read full post »

Algis Kemezys had offered me the most incredible gift, he would do a sculpture for my son.  I mentioned to him my first husband did a version of this so he suggested I do a post. I have been staring at the pictures he sent me for days now and this is where they… Read full post »

  I found out yesterday that the gravestone I had helped design was too large for my son's grave. Also that the cemetary does not want more than one "body",ashes really, per small gravesite. Even though the paper work said you could have up to 3, as the man explained to… Read full post »