Lucinda Bliss

Lucinda Bliss
Birthday
December 31
Bio
Everything you read here is true, except for the things that aren't. I write on Saturdays. I know I should wait to publish my stories during the week so that I can get more exposure, but I just can't help hitting that PUBLISH button! Because that is how I roll, I'm a rebel living on the wild side drinking my EXTRA hot tea because it is dangerous to drink it exta hot and who knows maybe I will spill it in my lap, maybe I won't. I take chances. That's how it is.

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Salon.com
JUNE 12, 2012 11:35AM

My Husband Almost Let Me Die In A Public Restroom

Rate: 41 Flag

 

 

Wouldn’t it be great to know how long your spouse would let you die in a public bathroom before they called someone to go looking for you? Well I found that out today.

My husband recently found a group on MeetUp.com called The Sci-Fi Enthusiasts. My husband is a zombie loving, alien adoring, vampire lusting kind of guy; so of course he signed us up and of course without consulting me first. Mostly what this group does is meet at movie theaters sitting together near the front with blankets, tubs of buttery artery clogging popcorn and gallons of diabetic inducing soda to watch new release sci-fi movies. Then off to coffee shops for hot foamy sugary drinks and pastries loaded with crèmes and icings. I understand why they must advertise on Meetup.com as I’m sure they are dropping like flies due to the quality of their caloric intake.

I’m a bit socially awkward. I’m 50% professionally diagnosed with Aspergers. I couldn’t afford the other appointments. As my grandmother would say; I’m unique, but some may call it rude and/or OCDish, but I prefer unique. I think I might name my next cat unique because it sounds cool. In social situations I don’t know what to say to new people sometimes and if I say something, it may make things more awkward. Have you ever asked a non-pregnant woman when she was due? Well I have. And they don’t like that. So rules out in public; keep quiet and keep my distance. My husband knows these rules well because he mostly made them up for me.

Upon pulling into the theater parking lot nearly an hour early because I will not enter a movie once it has started, I tell my husband my plan (because I have to have a plan, always, to avoid awkwardness) where I want to sit and that I do not want to sit with The Sci-Fi Enthusiast because I like to sit far away from the screen, I don’t know them and face it, some sci-fi people are just weird and I am not in a good emotional state to deal with that today because along with my 50% diagnosed Aspergers I also have PMS.

We buy our tickets and my husband sees someone he knows and I tell him I’m going to the ladies room. I take my time putting up my hair into a long ponytail in front of the mirror then shaking it out again to put it up in a bun, giving him plenty of time to end his conversation so I don’t have to engage. I’m feeling exceptional anti-social today and did I mention or you may have already forgotten, I have PMS? So I’m a little bitchy. It’s okay, I can say this about myself, but you cannot because I might stab you in the eye with my high heel. Next week I can assure you, I will feel horrible about stabbing someone in the eye who called me “a little bitchy”, but today….not so much.

I come out of the ladies room and my husband is nowhere to be seen. That’s okay; he must be in the theater already. I walk into the theater. He isn’t there. I take a seat anyway. It’s now 45 minutes until show time. I get a great seat up high in the stadium seating. I see The Sci-Fi Enthusiasts about 10 rows below me and I’m glad I’m sitting alone. I close my eyes for a moment and wait for my husband. Hmmmmm? Where is he? I look in my purse for my phone, this takes about 5 minutes because it is more like a small suitcase with everything I might need if I find myself buried in a cave in need of a French manicure and a blowout. I discover I have left my phone at home along with my emergency earplugs. I don’t want to move from my cushy seat because now people are starting to roll in; taking up other great seats I could have chosen. I know mine will go quickly if I leave. So I think, of course he will look for me in the theater…right?

The previews begin. I’ve been sitting here for 25 minutes. I begin to think he must have planned this. He has left me here at the theater on purpose and is cleaning out our bank account this very moment to move to Belize and live in a tree house. AND THAT WAS MY IDEA, not even his. Although he likes tree houses, I suggested Belize because we could have breakfast with monkeys. I began to freak out and get angry about the thought of my husband having Trader Joe’s cinnamon crumpets with monkeys because he is allergic to gluten and everybody knows monkeys are bad influences and don’t care if anyone is allergic to gluten. Then I took a Xanax and I was better.

I heard the leader of The Sci-Fi Enthusiast tell the others; “Sterling (because that is what he wants me to call him in my stories) and his wife are here, but they won’t be sitting with us. They like to sit further away from the screen.” And the whole group said, “Awwwwww” in disappointment, so I was kind of sad and then I felt like sitting up here was a good decision because they don’t even know me, I could be socially awkward and tell them they all look pregnant by accident. Oh, my god, I’m stressed out! Where is my husband?!

The lights begin to fade. Oh, shit! This is seriously less funny than 5 minutes ago. The same movie was playing 30 minutes later in another theater in the Cineplex and I wondered if he had gone in the wrong theater and was waiting for me there. And then I thought maybe I have been in here so long watching people that I have completely forgotten what my husband looks like! Then I took another Xanax and I was okay. All this time, my freak out mode must have been on full blast, because I had 3 seats to either side of me completely empty in a nearly full theater. And I really don’t think I smelled bad. I mean I know that my natural deodorant needs to be reapplied often, but I wasn’t even that sweaty considering that my husband had either left me to live with monkeys in Belize or I no longer had the ability to recognize him.

Three girls sat next to me because there was no place else to sit. They approached me quietly like I might bite and I only growled a little, but I don’t think they heard it. I asked them to please save my seat so that I could search for my lost husband. I quickly walked out of the right theater and into the lobby checking for the wrong theater showing the same movie. I passed the refreshment counter and saw my husband get up from a bench and approach a female theater employee. I saw him motion to the ladies room and heard the words “check on my wife”. I tapped him on the shoulder and said,

“I’ve been waiting for you in the theater!”

“What? I’ve been waiting for YOU to come out of the bathroom? I was just asking a lady to go check on you. I was so worried!”

“You waited 45 minutes to send someone in to check on me!? I could have been dead by then!”

I took his hand and led him quickly to the theater just as the movie was beginning. Thank goodness the girls saved my seat. One said,

“Oh you found him!” with a smile.

“Yes.” I said. “The ladies room” and rolled my eyes and they all scootched a little further from us.

So now I know, 45 minutes, that is how long my husband would wait while I was dying in a public toilet to get help. And I sort of got a little upset about that. It was a quiet car ride home while I questioned if he had really hoped I had died so he didn’t have to share his popcorn. When we got home I saw my phone with 2 missed calls and 2 text messages from my husband all in that 45 minute time frame of me possibly dying in the ladies room. The first message said, “I’m worried about you. Are you okay?” The second message said, “Do you need me to go get you tampons?”

You really can’t stay angry at a man who would drop everything, leave a sci-fi movie he had been waiting to see for months to go get me tampons.

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Comments

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no that guy is a keeper, but certainly needs Girl-Training.

well, not girl training but special training
of you, as a girl.


'in social situations I don’t know what to say to new people sometimes and if I say something, it may make things more awkward.'

well that is not a girl thing. i got that too. did u really get
an asbergers diagnosis?
i would kill for one.
all i got is damn
bipolar two.
not even the good bipolar, where ya go psychotic.
i am never allowed to go psychotic, even tho it it my right.

what a damn dumb dumb, as dad said.
leave a woman at an event.
no matter the event,
dad would have
been hanging
on eleanor,
my mom.
hanging...oh yeah..she loved that.

i dunno . we gotta reach a midpoint, a'mean', an appropriate
level of leaving yer woman alone.
Hilarious story, Lucinda! My husband is a sci-fi fan too, but we don't go to the movies with groups of people.
This was hilarious and I laughed all the way through. In the real world I am too socially adept having been taught to be so, it's tiresome. I'd sure like to hang out with you.

No, you really can't be angry with a man who would drop something important to him to go do something most men don't want to be seen doing.
Mr. E, He is a keeper. He's a good one and still in training.

Yeah, the Aspie testing is expensive. I'm mostly diagnosed, but after the therapist wanted to keep bleeding me for cash, I just said forget it. So I'm not formally diagnosed, but all signs point to yes, at least that is what the Crazy 8 Ball said.

And the best part of being BiPolar is being able to have psychotic episodes! That's what I would think anyway. This way you could totally just freak out on someone and they HAVE to forgive you b/c you are bipolar. I would use that excuse all time. But then again, I'm a girl and can just use the PMS excuse which is about the same thing.
Erica,
Really what is the point of going to a movie with a large group of people and sitting together? It's not like you can talk to each other during the movie, because that is bothersome to others and rude. I also dislike loud movie breathers (maybe we just have more of those in FL).

Bleue,
I think a cup of tea under an umbrella at an outside little cafe with you would be a delightful day!
ha, u hit it, gal:
" totally just freak out on someone and they HAVE to forgive you b/c you are bipolar. "

that is my new life strategy. except i dont freak out anymore.
i just get...talkative...and my sisters say, 'my goodness
you are manic!" and i say 'yep so what? "

am i not still me, yer brother?
good luck on diagnosis.
Lord, you crack me up every time! Though, I'm a little concerned that we may be married to the same man. Now that would be awkward.
Irene,
So you have a "Sterling" too?! I'm not sure if I should say "lucky girl" or "poor woman". :)
My wife has often asked me the question "How long would I have to be missing before you'd, you know, actually do anything about it?"

To which I always answer "What?"
Kudos to you for taking one for the team. Just the thought of viewing a movie surrounded by fanatics gives me the willies.

Your hubby deserves bonus points too, not only for being thoughtful and concerned in the face of great peril but for his coining of the most awesome spousal pseudonym I've seen to date.
Now don't you just feel a bit silly? No wait, just kidding, put that stiletto down or I'm calling the cops!!!
You are comedic genius. My dog has scooted far away from me now and is keeping one eye open, on me... obviously frightened by my outbursts of laughter.

"My husband is a zombie loving, alien adoring, vampire lusting kind of guy."

Yeah, isn't he the husband I read about that turns into any one of those, or possibly all three combined, sometimes, in his sleep?

Obviously a sweet guy though, as you found out afterwards.

Once upon a time, a girl I had dated briefly asked my current gf who had a cute belly poochie thing (we all happened to be at the same party) when the baby was due.. Oh my gawd!
why go to Belize when you have adventures in a movie theater- it would be a great French Farce
Are you related to Dr. Strangemom?

Funny stuff. And yeah, I get the Asperger's thangy. My oldest son has mild symptoms from a Q-22 deletion and that sounds like him a little.
If he was a true SciFi fan, he would have let you die at Comic Con.
Space, the Final Frontier, these are the places a man dare not go:
The Ladies Room
A woman's purse (why? it's just a briefcase sized overnight bag wallet, right?)
A woman's drawers (not underwear, silly, the actual drawers as in a dresser or chiffarobe. Keep it clean people.)

I was oddly, just thinking about how I loathe to go into my wife's closet (it's an entire bedroom) or look through her purse. She really doesn't seem to care, one way or the other, but I just can't do it. Well I can, I just don't like it. Who knows what I'll find in there?

If you had only made your Plan before you left, you'd've had your phone and situation averted. I go through checklists as I make my way through my day. Not written down, but a sort of memorized series of questions I ask myself.

Check your pockets. Do you have:
Cell phone, utility tool, flashlight (yes, I always have a flashlight on me -- always) wallet, keys, change, camera, spare batteries, etc.

I'm serious. I do this every day. It's one of those things that makes me wonder if I am a highly functioning autistic person. No matter, in the end, I'm highly functioning enough to be considered strange and not mentally aberrant, so it's all good.

If I didn't get a response from my wife after two phone calls and two texts, though, I'd knock on the door, open it a crack and say, "Honey? You alright in there?"

--r--
can't let my wife see this....we were out drinking one night, she fell outta my truck and passed out on the neighbors lawn.....i went in to bed...
R.
This is both funny and serious. I felt your anxiety, and your relief. Good writing, Lucinda. And a good lesson.
FANTASTIC!!!!! Xanax makes everything better. You just made me laugh very hard which isn't so easy these days!
There's a fine line there.
Offering to go get tampons so you can get back to your movie seat is good.
Offering to go get some Midol to try to end an argument is not as good.
Con ~ FYI women don't like that and may decide to poison you later.

Brad! My Man! Good to see you here! Yeah, he thinks he is a super hero and they should have awesome day names. He requests I call him Capt. Amazingly Wonderful At Everything after midnight, so I try to be asleep by 11:45pm.

jmac ~ Please don't call the cops! They don't like chics who throw shoes!

tr ig~ Exactly how many husbands do you think I have?! Well I guess these days one can never be too sure....Brother Husbands? Hmmm? Nah, I don't think I could handle more than just this one. And thanks for reminding me, I have to pick up his cape at the dry cleaners.

Kenneth ~ Obviously, becasue there are no REAL monkeys in the movie theater.

Joisey~ I just read Strangemom for the first time today! She is a funny and strange chic. I like!

Spumey ~ This why I don't attend ComiCon with my husband

Dunniteowl ~ Women's purses, closets, car trunks are wonderful! There is always a surpise in there, some treasure we have forgotten about. They are glorious places. And I have to say, I leave my phone at home a lot. I hate it really. I get in trouble all the time with my family because I never answer it. And good to know you would check on your wife before 45 minutes had passed.

Steel ~ Seriously?! You certainly would get a high heel to the face....repeatedly.
Lea ~ Yes, I really was freaking out a bit and then he was too. But it all turned out just fine in the end. :)

Gayle ~ Glad I could make you laugh today! And yes Xanax makes lots of things better expecially anxiety attacks in a movie theater because you think your husband has left you for a monkey.

alsoknownas ~ oh yes, offering to get midol during an arguement is like telling me I'm a little bitchy today....NOT GOOD! But when I think about it, I probably am a little bitchy and midol would help, but he better not mention it.
You're an incredibly funny and entertaining writer! More! faved and rated
This was my first visit here. And now I think I know what is actually wrong with me.
You are hysterical and I couldn't stop laughing though I recognized my thought patterns all over this. Sadly I wouldn't have found you had you not been on the illustrious Salon front page.

Now I am going to go read My Husband May Kill Me Tonight , so I can figure out what this predilection is about your husband doing you in.
Although I don't have Asperger's, there are definitely times when I prefer not to be social; not because I might say something inappropriate, or because I have social anxiety, but because I loathe small talk with people I don't know.

However, I am quite familiar with PMS and I'm certainly feeling it right now as it is almost my "special time."
OMG. I love your stories about your husband!!! This made me laugh my ass off. Wish I could rate it more than once for being well written, funny, entertaining, and for your use of the word "scootching." R.
Happy you found each other. Enjoy and have a long life. He sounds like a great guy.
You're hilarious and this was great fun. Best Sc.-Fi movie I've never been to.
Reading this I had that thought (why would he wait 45 minutes) until you shared his messages. I guess it is your job to train him, as James said. I enjoyed this read much. R
Lucinda,

This is hilarious from start to finish.
Lefty ~ Thanks for stopping by and thanks for making me one of your favorites! Lots more to come. My husband is a constant source of material.

Dianne ~ Glad you can relate and enjoy. But if you are anything like me, you probably need a lot of therapy.

Victoria ~ I know! I totally hate small talk! Sometimes I just don't care where you got that dress, what you made for dinner last night or what grade your kid got on his science fair project. My eyes begin to glaze over, I feel faint and I have to excuse myself to go buy organic M&Ms.

Ande ~ He is a great guy and don't be mad that I stole you last name. It was totally by accident. I found it on a "What would you name your vampire baby" website.


Deborah ~ Scootched is a real word, but spell check does not want it to be. We fight about it all the time.
jlsathre ~ Absolutley no one got probed in this post

Thoth ~ Yeah, he may be in training for quite a while. Good to see you Thoth!

Diary ~ Glad you stopped by and I could give you a chuckle about the seriousness of me almost dying in a restroom. ;)
A man who will volunteer to buy you tampons is a keeper! And on this note, your note, the above noted very funny post, I'm off to parts unknown by many!
Asia ~ Yes, I should keep him just because he will buy me tampons, but I love the guy so that helps.

And to everyone else: I am so sorry for the grammatical errors in my responses. This is what happens when you are paranoid that your husband is plotting your death.
This sounds like me and sweetie on a date, too. Recently, I accompanied him to Comicon and I didn't die of boredom, as expected. All his friends are really nice to me, because none of their wives and girlfriends go anywhere with them anymore, not to the fun SciFi stuff.
You must be kin to Ande Bliss, as Bliss strikes me as one of the more unusual names. Yet she commented here without using any word that would seem to be the Bliss password (I assume you Blisses have one), and your response was way over the top haha, which suggests you're both working undercover. You can understand why I hafta run this by Homeland Security?
Bowl ~ Can I call you Bowl? You are a better woman than I. Although I'm sure my husband would squeal and pass out in nerdy school boy delight if I offered to go to Comicon, which I may do to get many a foot rub in the future.

Chicken ~ Really, Sterling and Lucinda Bliss do not sound like the average suburbanite names. Damn.....how about Rocky Jagged Stone and Stormy Larue Bagel, those are are real names, should I just use those from now on?
he's a keeper. Hilarious post.
rated
This was wonderful! And the ending - a proof of true love indeed!
THIS POST HAS RECEIVED A READERS’ PICK AWARD
Hilarious :-)!! hee hee. I DO wanna go to a movie with you! On your good days.
Yeah, wht Lindsey said! I'm so glad I found you on RP! Rate and faved, fer ser. Keep me laughing!
He definitely is a keeper, as James said.
You lucky woman, you!
Funny story, but with a bit of a disturbing undertone. (45 minutes?--I'd send in the Royal canadian Mounted Police rather than wait past the 12 minute mark!)
Let's hope the rate sticks this time....(sheesh!)
"I understand why they must advertise on Meetup.com as I’m sure they are dropping like flies due to the quality of their caloric intake."

I laughed so hard reading this I nearly spat out my Trail Mix. Great post!
This is such a wild and wonderful tale that I don't think many posts can match its validity.
.........(¯`v´¯) (¯`v´¯)
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............... *•.¸.•* ♥⋆★•❥ Thanx & Smiles (ツ) & ♥ L☼√Ξ ☼ ♥
⋆───★•❥ ☼ .¸¸.•*`*•.♥ (ˆ◡ˆ) ♥⋯ ❤ ⋯ ★(ˆ◡ˆ) ♥⋯ ❤ ⋯ ★
This is sooo funny! And don't feel too badly about having asked a non-pregnant woman when she was due. I congratulated a woman on her pregnancy. She wasn't pregnant. And she is still the bar tender where we occasionally go for a drink. My husband still laughs about this, so I doubt she has forgotten. And I have no diagnosis as an excuse. I should live by your rules, for my own good. And my husband and I got separated in the Vatican, Rome. I waited for him for 2 hours. He went home without me. My inner dialogue was no where as amusing as yours. Xanax sounds very appealing. Thanks for making me laugh.
Hubby definitely gets a thumbs up. Atleast you can tell it with humor afterwards!
Miss Bliss: Oh my, were we related in another life. I never wanted to admit it but our thought processes are very much alike. I KNOW, scary! lol. Sounds like other women related to your personality and mental make-up! You are so good at this comedy stuff, wasn't gonna read tonight, but so glad I did! *still smiling from ear to ear*