Lucinda Bliss

Lucinda Bliss
Birthday
December 31
Bio
Everything you read here is true, except for the things that aren't. I write on Saturdays. I know I should wait to publish my stories during the week so that I can get more exposure, but I just can't help hitting that PUBLISH button! Because that is how I roll, I'm a rebel living on the wild side drinking my EXTRA hot tea because it is dangerous to drink it exta hot and who knows maybe I will spill it in my lap, maybe I won't. I take chances. That's how it is.

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Salon.com
MAY 22, 2012 8:44AM

Hey, Is This A Blueberry?

Rate: 11 Flag

 

 

We have a cat. Her name is Precious. I got Precious for my daughter to encourage her to sleep in her own room at age 9. My daughter had a beautiful room full of stuffed animals to sleep in, but often ended up in my bed in the wee hours of the night. Which was fine as I was a single mom, but sometimes it got a little uncomfortable when I would wake up to her foot in my face and toe nearly up my nose. I didn’t get much sleep.

 

Precious is a Rag Doll breed with long white fur and huge round eyes. She is the sweetest cat, but I think she may have some mental problems due to lack of oxygen by strangulation. You see, my daughter is very much like myself, very literal. She took the word Rag Doll to think her cat was well, a Rag Doll. Many nights when I would go to check on my sleeping angel, she would have Precious in a death grip tucked in the crook of her bent elbow. Precious being the great cat that she is never moved during my daughter’s slumber and would stare at me with those big blue eyes saying “Excuse me, would it be any trouble for you if you could so kindly give be a bit of assistance?” She speaks with at British accent in my mind. I would release her, fur all matted down from the dampness of my daughter’s underarm and she would go on her merry way stalking the house for moth intruders and attacking the house plants.

 

Then there was the “Science Project”. My daughter decided to try out several types of catnip and monitor a cat’s behavior, Precious being the test subject. The testing went on non-stop for 2 weeks. The Meowie Wowie brand proved most potent, leaving poor Precious stoned on our kitchen floor until she felt the need to chase objects that weren’t moving like the sofa, dining table and the wall. She began running into walls after that and was never quite the same. She also became very paranoid, especially when we mentioned the word V-E-T.

 

On our most recent trip to the vet, I allowed my daughter who had just received her driver’s license to drive us and the plan was, I would hold Precious in a towel on my lap. We also had our Chihuahua with us which didn’t make the 30 minute drive any easier because as with most Chihuahuas, he must be in a lap AT ALL TIMES. As soon as we walked out the door Precious began her low meow, which I think translates into “Help me! I’m too young to die!” She was in my lap all of 20 seconds before 7 pounds of fury bullied his way into her spot. Sorry Precious, the Chihuahua is king, he told me so.

 

Precious first begins to cough and throws up in the back seat. I have an old Mercedes, not an awesome Mercedes. I call it my Frankencedes, because we have brought this thing back from the dead no less than a dozen times. The Frankencedes has no A/C and I live in Florida. So we must keep the windows down, but not so far that the animals will jump out, so it’s hot in there. We stop; I clean up the puke as my daughter tries to keep Precious from escaping into the forbidden forest by the side of road. We get back in the car. My daughter is driving well for having her license for just a few days and I see Precious squat. Oh great, she is peeing on the seat. We stop clean up the pee. Oh how I hate cat pee. The car is hot, the cat is now screaming at the top of her lungs, my daughter is nervous and we all smell like cat urine.

 

A few minutes later, I see Precious lift her tail by my daughter’s huge pink purse. I see it, falling onto the purse….poop. Precious has outdone herself and has released all of the bodily functions that she has control over into our car in less than 20 minutes. We pull over again and clean up the mess. Now we are all stressed out and finally make it to the vet. For the ride home the vet gives us a box to put her in and we take it, but it only echoes her hollering so we let her out figuring she has no bodily fluids left to bestow upon the seat of the Frankecedes and we drive home. Once home, Precious sits in a corner of the dining room and stares at the wall to freak us out like the Blair Witch Project. Traumatized by our recent venture out of the safety of her house, she doesn’t move for 3 hours.

     

A few weeks later my daughter had a blind date. She and her date went to a restaurant with a cozy booths. As most teenage girls, she didn't order much. Afraid to show she had an appetite. My daughter reached into her purse for her lip gloss and felt a hard ball. She rolled it around her hand inquisitively wondering what this thing could be.  “A freeze dried or candied blueberry?" She loved those and thought it might still be good, a tasty little treat until she got home to raid the fridge. She pulled it out of her purse and inspected it as her date was too preoccupied to notice, devouring the last bit of his rib-eye. She stuck the tip of her tongue out to give it a little taste. Just before she put it to her mouth, she horrifically recalled the car ride to the vet. Precious must have pooped not just on her purse but in her purse that day we went to the vet and upon further inspection, she realized in her hand she held a petrified piece of kitty poppie. She quickly tossed it under the table and excused herself to the restroom to scrub her hands in scalding hot water.

 

The lesson of this story; just say no to catnip, we have seen what it can do. Say yes to kitty tranquilizers when transporting a cat with severe paranoia. Don’t have a purse that is so large a cat can poop in it and you won’t find it until 3 weeks later. And lastly, do not let your children play under restaurant tables. They might find a blueberry.

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comedy, animals, poop, cat, vet

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Taking cats to the vet, the horror, oh, the horror! Having in the recent past a vet who gave us a multi-pet discount (the Flo of animal care), it was always two,three, four at a time plus a dog and maybe a ferret. Oddly enough this made a trip to the dentist seem almost pleasant by comparison so I guess there is a silver lining in just about everything.
Brad, That is a horror! More than 1 cat in a vehicle should be illegal. And ferrets....I used to want a ferret until one bit me in the throat on one of my first dates with my husband in a pet store. Real classy that was. "Look how much animals love me, they want rip out my jugular!" But he still married me anyway. And now I think ferrets are evil and I do not pick them up in pet stores.
I still hate the dentist, but not as much as taking Precious to the vet. So yeah, I will think of that next time I need a cavity filled.
Funny, funny, funny... thanks for the chuckle!!
You are welcome. Thanks for reading!
Indeed! Clever and very funny. R
Funny funny post L.
The heat in Florida has been climbing lately. It was quite warm yesterday afternoon here. But that ocean breeze that kicks in around five in the afternoon sure helps....
Ha, glad I could make you guys laugh. And thanks for stopping by. We have an upcoming car ride....shhh don't tell the cat and we had to stop by the V-E-T to get Precious a sedative. Crossing my fingers it works!
Very funny I think our corgi would be a good match for Precious .
No, no matches for Precious, we have but so many purses around here. :)
heh-heh...crackin me up here...can jus see it...
R.
At least there was no blood. Human blood. Last time I transported
a cat, all of the above happened, PLUS, it jumped from the backseat onto the back of my neck and had to be extracted physically.
Ulcer lipped bitch was not de-clawed, and yes it hurt.

Great story :D
tr ig,
That is horrible! But I bet it was a funny sight to the people passing you on the road! Sorry, but that visual just made my day. *laughing*
and your daughters date was very impressed with her, except when he accidentally discovered this blog, and then decided never to date her again... mostly because of her kinda crazy mother. :p haha. oh sorry maybe thats not so funny.
vzn - I am unable to understand this believing I'm crazy, but my duaghter would completely agree with you. She has just not been able to appreciate the crochet shorts I made for her or the hats from old pillow cases. I'm hoping she will come around. Ooops gotta go! The placenta soup I'm making as a surprise for her and her friends tonight is bubbling over...placenta everywhere!
*daughter* freaking hate whin I messpell wurds
OK, you and I have gone full circle.
I write a story about our beloved cat
I then peruse the OS front page.
I see your title My Husband Almost Let Me Die in a Public Restroom
I find the story extremely hilarious, at the same time, a little concerning because...
I see you have another post My Husband May Kill Me Tonight which I found even funnier if possible, so longing to continue on the humorous bent I visit...
HERE.

I knew there was a connection and here it is.

I LOVE your work.

I think Aspergers just makes us have funnier life experiences, don't you think?