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December 31
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Hobbies: Valet Parking, Disorderly Conduct, Amateur Acupuncture. Occupation: Boss of the Mexican Rug Cartel. Credit cards not accepted. Favorite Band: The Dry Humpers. Favorite Food: Hard Boiled Water. Favorite Book: Catch 22 by Joseph Heller. All original material written by Jeff Gross. Copyright 2009, 2010, 2011, 2014, 2015.

Littlewillie's Links

SEPTEMBER 24, 2010 2:05PM

"If You Stroke It They Will Come," Christine O'Donnell

Rate: 22 Flag

I normally don't get involved in political discussions.  Every four years I write in "Jerry Springer" for President, and then I go back to pleasuring myself.  Recently a politician named Christine O'Donnell forced me to open my hand by taking an adversarial stance toward Masturbation, a hobby of mine which takes up most of my time.  In fact, I could be masturbating right now if I did not feel hot and bothered enough by Ms. O'Donnell's misguided attack on the act of self pleasurization (I know pleasurization is not a real word, but it reminds me of pasteurization, which reminds me of milking a cow, which reminds me of lactating breasts which...excuse me while I take a short break. 

I feel so much better now.  I hope you took the opportunity to take a masturbation break during my absence.  

Frankly, Ms. O'Donnell's hostile attitude toward masturbation frightens me deeply.  If Christine O'Donnell is elected to Congress she could force masturbators like me back into the closet, which is ironically the first place I learned to  jerk off using some Elmer's Glue and a copy of TV Guide with Barbara Eden on the cover.  "I Dream Of Genie" - damn straight I did,  every night and waking moment.  "Mrs. Simon, I need to go to the bathroom again.  I know it's the fifth time this morning.  I think I have a yeast infection."

At the urging of Christine O'Donnell, Congress could pass laws classifying  masturbation as a federal crime.  The government could start obtaining private information from individuals without their consent.  Wait...  The government is already doing that.  The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms could add Masturbation to their mission statement.  It makes sense to me - drink some moonshine, smoke a cigar laced with a hearty dose of ganja, clean my unregistered gun, then finish off the evening by cleaning out my pipes.

I declare Ms. O'Donnell, "This is not the America I learned about by watching John Wayne movies.  You can try to stop me from masturbating, but you will have to pry my penis out of my cold, dead hands."






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I had NO idea.. I am going to have to go read now..
Where in the heck are these people crawling out from?
rated with hugs
Best political commentary I've heard in awhile:) rated
Linda S. - I am trying to find out if the NRA is anti-masturbation because they have endorsed Christine O'Donnell. I may have to cancel my membership.
The NRA wants you to stroke guns, not your own private missile! This was so funny! She is a whole other dimension of whack-a-doodle! R
Libmomrn - How did you know about my private missile?

Caroline Hagood - I respect your opinion. Maybe you could forward this to Arianna for me. Hint, hint.
That is what every man believes!
kateasley - I have to clean the sink after I do it.

Libmomrn - Who do you work for? Who sent you? What are you doing for dinner tonight?
I just hope you washed your hands......
Barbara Eden - ohhhh yeahhhh!! If I could've had even just one wish!!!

I think the NRA does in fact pound their puds, but their puds are blued steel and deadly when the uhm, shoot their load.
Masturbation has kept me away from a lot of troubles. Why would I stop doing something that saves my life from the out savage world? Hu? I really need to go to the bathroom now that I read this... hot!
Foolish Monkey - I take all sanitary measures while I indulge in my hobby.

Boomer Bob - Barbara Eden in that Genie costume drove me wild, even if the network censors wouldn't allow her belly button to be shown.

Robin Sneed - So nice of you to visit. XOX
Mauricio Betancourt - The world would be a much more peaceful place if people masturbated more often. Gandhi masturbated six times a day. Stalin, zero. See my point.
HA! Brilliant take. I want to see the poster for the last line. I am with you: Beat back all attempts at controlling masturbation.
"We have God-given sexual desires" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzHcqcXo_NA

So let me make sure I have this straight, tThe self-acclaimed Ms. abstinance and purity is an avid Christian:

A: A good Christian ALWAYS does what God wants him/her to do.

B: God gave us these sexual desires (in fact often drives our asses insane with them).

C: We resist the urge and tell him/her to go fuck him/herself???

A=B, B=C, therefore A=C

Danger Will Robinson! Does not compute! Just as I suspected, more religious ranting - PEFECTLY illogical to me
Dr. Spudman44 - I will keep beating it as often as possible. It's a good thing I'm ambidextrous.

Boomer Bob - When religion starts sounding logical to me, I will know that dementia has begun.
She's a witch, dummy. Now you'll be lucky if you can ever get it up again to masturbate.
Stand up for your rights, if you know what I mean...
scanner - Let her try to curtail my orgasmic explosions. I am a fully paid member of the 700 Club. Pat Robertson and I jerk off together every Sunday while we watch football (after church).
Jeanette DeMain - Standing up is just one of the many ways to do it. One time I did it standing up in the bathroom of an airplane. Does that mean I'm a member of the 1/2 mile high club?
Lets give littlewillie a hand folks........littlewillie for senate ! rated for lillewilliness
I know it was wrong but today, I lusted in my heart and my loins, and masturbated to a picture of Christine. Boohoohoo!! All over her face....Even more boohoohoos.

Not really, I was watching that informercial, Buns of Steel, yeah, oh my.

You might be the funniest person here. Even funnier than Leepin' Larry. You're not LL, are you? ~r
Remember when Jocelyn Elders was forced to resign, because she said that kids should be taught about masturbation as a safe alternative to partner sex? This sort of idiocy isn't new. Meanwhile...Barbara Eden as Jeannie? Did you mind that you could never see her navel? I guess the rest of her was enough...
Elmer's Glue and masturbation... about prying it out of your hands?
Rated, but I'm not going to touch this one.
Rosycheeks - I'm afraid I must decline the nomination for Senate as my charitable work with nubile runaways must take priority over politics.

Tink69 - Christine could use a few facials followed by a golden shower.

Joan H. - What the hell happened to Leepin' Larry? Little Willie and Leepin' Larry are not the same person, but we do share the same hairdresser. And thank you for the compliment!

Eva T. Made Vaudeville - Jocelyn Elders is a hero of mine. Her poster hangs right next to my Barbara Eden poster.

Elmer's Glue - Horny 12 year old boys are capable of anything, including using Elmer's Glue as a lubricant. It would have been much worse if I used Krazy Glue.

Trudge164 - Like MC Hammer said, "Can't touch this."
Crazy Glue!?? I don't think so...you'd be in a world of hurt, besides, what if one day you got ....um...lucky? See, things will be okay...just don't stop practicing.

As for that woman...what a nutcase.
Imagine the protest in Washington with thousands of people doing what the loony candidate wants outlawed. You-Tube would probably crash.
Hawley Roddick - I would definitely be at that protest, exercising my freedom of expression.

Buffy W - I have attained the rank of Sensei, or Master of Masturbation.