I normally don't get involved in political discussions. Every four years I write in "Jerry Springer" for President, and then I go back to pleasuring myself. Recently a politician named Christine O'Donnell forced me to open my hand by taking an adversarial stance toward Masturbation, a hobby of mine which takes up most of my time. In fact, I could be masturbating right now if I did not feel hot and bothered enough by Ms. O'Donnell's misguided attack on the act of self pleasurization (I know pleasurization is not a real word, but it reminds me of pasteurization, which reminds me of milking a cow, which reminds me of lactating breasts which...excuse me while I take a short break.
I feel so much better now. I hope you took the opportunity to take a masturbation break during my absence.
Frankly, Ms. O'Donnell's hostile attitude toward masturbation frightens me deeply. If Christine O'Donnell is elected to Congress she could force masturbators like me back into the closet, which is ironically the first place I learned to jerk off using some Elmer's Glue and a copy of TV Guide with Barbara Eden on the cover. "I Dream Of Genie" - damn straight I did, every night and waking moment. "Mrs. Simon, I need to go to the bathroom again. I know it's the fifth time this morning. I think I have a yeast infection."
At the urging of Christine O'Donnell, Congress could pass laws classifying masturbation as a federal crime. The government could start obtaining private information from individuals without their consent. Wait... The government is already doing that. The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms could add Masturbation to their mission statement. It makes sense to me - drink some moonshine, smoke a cigar laced with a hearty dose of ganja, clean my unregistered gun, then finish off the evening by cleaning out my pipes.
I declare Ms. O'Donnell, "This is not the America I learned about by watching John Wayne movies. You can try to stop me from masturbating, but you will have to pry my penis out of my cold, dead hands."
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GypsyAngel
Gail Walter
Emily Conyngham
David Biddle
CatholicGirl
Ann Nichols
Salon.com
Comments
Where in the heck are these people crawling out from?
rated with hugs
Caroline Hagood - I respect your opinion. Maybe you could forward this to Arianna for me. Hint, hint.
Libmomrn - Who do you work for? Who sent you? What are you doing for dinner tonight?
I think the NRA does in fact pound their puds, but their puds are blued steel and deadly when the uhm, shoot their load.
Rated
Boomer Bob - Barbara Eden in that Genie costume drove me wild, even if the network censors wouldn't allow her belly button to be shown.
Robin Sneed - So nice of you to visit. XOX
So let me make sure I have this straight, tThe self-acclaimed Ms. abstinance and purity is an avid Christian:
A: A good Christian ALWAYS does what God wants him/her to do.
B: God gave us these sexual desires (in fact often drives our asses insane with them).
C: We resist the urge and tell him/her to go fuck him/herself???
A=B, B=C, therefore A=C
Danger Will Robinson! Does not compute! Just as I suspected, more religious ranting - PEFECTLY illogical to me
Boomer Bob - When religion starts sounding logical to me, I will know that dementia has begun.
Not really, I was watching that informercial, Buns of Steel, yeah, oh my.
:D
Tink69 - Christine could use a few facials followed by a golden shower.
Joan H. - What the hell happened to Leepin' Larry? Little Willie and Leepin' Larry are not the same person, but we do share the same hairdresser. And thank you for the compliment!
Eva T. Made Vaudeville - Jocelyn Elders is a hero of mine. Her poster hangs right next to my Barbara Eden poster.
Elmer's Glue - Horny 12 year old boys are capable of anything, including using Elmer's Glue as a lubricant. It would have been much worse if I used Krazy Glue.
Trudge164 - Like MC Hammer said, "Can't touch this."
As for that woman...what a nutcase.
Buffy W - I have attained the rank of Sensei, or Master of Masturbation.