It came as no surprise to this Hollywood entertainment reporter, Murray Seltzer, that Hollywood Heavyweights, Oliver Stone and Mel Gibson, have announced a collaboration to produce, direct, write, and star in the biography of Adolf Hitler. I met with the two Academy Award winners outside the fence of the exclusive, Ironwood Country Club.
Oliver Stone: We would invite you in for a drink, Murray, but this club is restricted, no Jews allowed.
Murray Seltzer: That's okay, Oliver. If I started my own country club I would keep all the Jews out. Once you let one Jew in as a member, before you know it, they take over the whole club, and ruin it for all the gentiles.
Oliver Stone: You see Mel. Here's a Jew who knows his place. Like my friend Tommy Lee Jones said, "The Jews took over Boca Raton, let them stay the fuck out of Palm Beach."
Mel Gibson: You can say that again.
Oliver Stone & Murray Seltzer (together): Stay the fuck out of Palm Beach!
Oliver Stone: Why can't more Jews be like you, Murray?
Murray Seltzer: Hey. I'm the one who is supposed to be asking the questions. So what took so long for you two guys to collaborate on a film?
Mel Gibson: We both wanted to do a Hitler picture. Instead of competing, we joined forces. Plus, neither of us could get financing for a movie about Hitler, so the two of us put up the money.
Murray Seltzer: It's hard to believe that Oliver Stone and Mel Gibson could not attract investors. Tarantino did pretty well with "Inglourious Bastards."
Oliver Stone: Come on Murray. You know how touchy Jews are about the Holocaust and Hitler. Tarantino did what everyone else did - he portrayed Hitler as a villain. We are looking to show the other sides of Hitler.
Murray Seltzer: What other sides?
Mel Gibson: The sides that the Jewish media does not want the world to know about. Hitler's artistic side, his love of animals, his romantic side, his feminine side, and his vulnerability. It's not easy to be The Fuhrer. Everyone expects you to be this tough, strong, dicktator. Behind the mask of the warlord was a little boy who just needed a hug.
Murray Seltzer: Hitler needed a hug?
Mel Gibson: Yes! You got a problem with that, you lousy, christ killing...
Oliver Stone: Take it easy, Mel. Ask a different question, Murray.
Murray Seltzer: Who are you thinking about to play Eva Braun?
Oliver Stone: We have several actresses in mind to play Hitler's love interest.
Mel Gibson: I want an authentic German cunt to play Eva Braun. I want Claudia Schiffer. Does Claudia Schiffer have fake tits? I hate fake tits!
Oliver Stone: Calm down, Mel. I will make sure that we get a German actress with real tits.
Mel Gibson: And I want her to blow me before every scene! Not after the scene, before. I'm a man and I deserve a blow job!
Murray Seltzer: Oliver. Did you give any thought about playing the role of Hitler yourself? Recently, I've noticed a growing resemblance between you and Adolf.
Oliver Stone: Thanks for noticing, Murray. I did think about playing Hitler, but Mel is the obvious choice. He has all the essential qualities to capture the essence of Hitler.
Mel Gibson: (pointing his finger at Murray) Listen buddy. I know all about you Jewish journalists and how you manipulate the media. I am warning you. I will kill your dog and eat it for lunch!
Murray Seltzer: I don't have a dog.
Mel Gibson: I will come over to Jewtown and burn down your house!
Murray Seltzer: I live in a condo, not in Jewtown.
Mel Gibson: You lying, Russian whore with your provocative clothes. Don't blame me if you get raped by a pack of hyenas!
Murray Seltzer: Thanks guys. Good luck with the movie.
Disclaimer: This is a work of satirical fiction. A small, secret,powerful group of Jews forced me to write this story and post it on Open Salon.