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littlewillie

littlewillie
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Hobbies: Valet Parking, Disorderly Conduct, Amateur Acupuncture. Occupation: Boss of the Mexican Rug Cartel. Credit cards not accepted. Favorite Band: The Dry Humpers. Favorite Food: Hard Boiled Water. If you would like to contact me outside of Open Salon, my email address is sumorabbi@aol.com All original material written by Jeff Gross Copyright 2009, 2010, 2011, 2014

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Salon.com
JULY 23, 2010 11:00PM

Tour De Bronx Canceled, Several Cyclists Missing

Rate: 18 Flag

Lance Armstrong and other promoters of the first annual "Tour De Bronx"  had high hopes about bringing big-time, European style, bicycle racing to the U.S.A.  

Some of cycling's biggest names, including Zgtruhippoluvhandles Kowalskinflintrugelach of Poland, travelled thousands of miles to test their skills on the pothole filled streets of the Bronx.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg assured sponsors such as  the makers of "Bengay" and "Preperation H" (don't ever mix those two up like I did once.  If not for the fire extinguisher, my ass would still be on fire), that ample security and supplemental life insurance would be provided to all participants.

What Mayor Bloomberg and New York City's finest did not know was that  all of the signs directing the course of the race had been changed to lead to a deserted warehouse in the Hunts Point section of the Bronx.  As each cyclist neared the warehouse, they were greeted by a welcoming committee of dedicated race volunteers, wielding fresh water and baseball bats.

The welcoming committee then profusely thanked all the racers for donating their bikes to a worthy cause.   Instead of being given a receipt for their tax deductable donations, each cyclist was presented with a fake Rolex watch and a subway token.

Lance Armstrong of the USA is one of several racers that have not yet been seen or heard from for over two days since the start of the "Tour De Bronx."   If you have any information as to the whereabouts of Lance or Zigtruhippoluvhandles, please call 1 800 LOST IN NY.

 

 

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"Zgtruhippoluvhandles Kowalskinflintrugelach " was trained by me...ohhhh, not the cycling!

R
Yeah, I know, but at least the scenery is nicer than in France.
Buffy W - You trained him well. He has legendary stamina and incredibly strong buttocks.
Steve Blevins - I have a quaint summer cottage in the Bronx. You are welcome to visit anytime.
In all my years going to NYC, I never made it to the Bronx.
Perhaps the baseball bats had something to do with it.
A small cottage my ass hahahah
Rated with hugs
If they pass by tenth street in Da Bronx tell them to tell my cousin Guido Zarducci he still owes me a c-note. R
Linda S. - I grew up in Queens. I lived two years in Brooklyn, and two years in the Bronx. Many people avoid the Bronx because of its reputation, but I loved living there.
Trudge164 - If I went to certain parts of the Bronx and yelled out, "Hey Guido," I wouldn't ever be able to walk again.
Aunt Mabel - The streets of the Bronx are paved with gallstones.
I've been lost in the Bronx, it was not as funny as this post!
Poppi Iceland - getting lost in an unfamiliar, urban neighborhood can be very stressful - nothing funny about that.
littlewillie ... I went to the Bronx once. Once!

Question: Have they found "Handles" yet? (That's his nicklname ... got it after he wrote that Massiah Music.). He's way more important than that Armstrong kid. And what a great idea, A Tour de Bronx; just what it needs to be revived. I say, don't give up ... there's got to be a better route. {{{R}}}
I think Lance has a terrible case of bronxitis and may have taken illegal drugs which forced him to withdraw from the race. Dope.
Rated for hippo luv handles.
I don't know about Zigtruhippoluvhandles, but Lance was found on a street corner in the Bronx trying to buy dope!
I'm worried about the missing cyclists. Please keep me updated Willie. News is hard to come by out here in Saudi.
They are hanging out with me, in Seattle. Sorry, but our rides are more fun.
Rod Emmons - confidential sources (in my head) tell me that the Bronx has a lock on hosting the 2012 Winter Olympics.

Cartouche - Wheaties may have to recall all of its Lance Armstrong cereal boxes.

Jeff Howe - Showing your luv handles in Poland will get you a lot of sexy time.

scanner - Poor Lance! No one likes him anymore.
tersesa - Seattle is more fun than the Bronx? I guess it depends on what your definition of "fun" is.

Geraint Isitt - I guess the Tour De Bronx or France doesn't make the sports section of your local Saudi newspaper.
Vanna, I'd like to buy a vowel, please.

The Bronx would be an excellent location for the race.
I've never been to the Bronx, but I have awarded a few Bronx cheers in my day.

Lezlie
OEsheepdog - I didn't make up the Tour De Bronx. It's an actual race.

L in the Southeast - My father was born in the Bronx, and I lived there for two years. Hence, my fascination with the borough.
This is a truly great story. I have now committed, based upon your writings, to get all of my information from your posts. If we all lived this way, I don't know what the fuck would happen, but I do know I'd have a lot less to read.
I remember my days of student teaching in the Bronx and my visit to France. At least the people in the Bronx are friendlier...
DeliaBlack - A lot of people from the Bronx never even heard of France.
OK, what I want to know is where's fake my fake Rolex watch and a subway token. hillario
Caroline Hagood - A new shipment of counterfeit Rolexes should be coming in from China very soon. The old subway tokens make nice earrings.
You weren't kidding about big names!