Santa Claus double checked his naughty or nice list.  Only the nice ones got gifts, but Santa had a weakness.  Santa liked to visit one of the naughty girls.  Her name was Dorothy Vallens.

Dorothy Vallens was the headline lounge singer at The Slow Club in Lumberton, North Carolina.&nbs… Read full post »

By executive order, Governor Rick Perry has ordered all his fellow Texans to take advantage of the wildfires by burning all books that could be considered: unpatriotic, pornographic, anti-Christian, antipasto, pro-homosexuality, pro choice, communist, socialist, atheistic, agnostic, or any book publi… Read full post »

The recession has taken a terrible toll on almost everything, including our nation's pet population.  Thousands of pet owners have been forced to give up their beloved pets because they can no longer afford to care for them.

As a public service, I have come up with a free alternative to… Read full post »

 Location, Date, & Time:  New York, Trump Towers Penthouse, May 1, 2011, approximately 11PM

"Should we wake him?" nervously asks one of Donald Trump's personal assistants.

"You know what happened to the last guy who disturbed his beauty sleep."

"No.  I don't know what happened.&nb… Read full post »

My high-speed internet connection is no match for Open Salon.  I glide effortlessly over the world-wide web, trolling for nuggets of wisdom and free porn, but as soon as I meander to the OS website, my supersonic surfing slows down to an elderly snail's pace.

I stare helplessly at the words… Read full post »

Occasionally I rent my attic out to pick up a few bucks.  Sometimes it's for a one shot deal like a bachelorette party, a ritual circumcision (those two can be combined),  nude Tupperware parties (you would not believe how much Tupperware I own) or simply a room to rent on a… Read full post »

The ongoing trend of new laptops designed to be razor thin, slimmer and lighter than ever before, has resulted in a disturbing phenomenon, the "anorexic" laptop.  A rising tide of consumers that have purchased the newest, skinniest, and lightest laptops are experiencing technological problems su… Read full post »

The continual decline of western civilization and the overwhelming success of the reality show, "Sixteen and Pregnant," has led executives at MTV to announce a new low, I mean a new show, called Miss Pregnant Teen America.

Open calls are being held at shopping malls across the country to find America… Read full post »

On the heels of the latest release of embarrassing, classified documents from WikiLeaks, governments around the world have raided and closed all suspected Wiki Bars, resulting in fear, confusion, hiccups, blurred vision, and random yodelling. In addition, thousands of hard working bartenders have bee… Read full post »

Jules and Vincent took it all in.  They watched the humans engage in the annual ritual of stuffing their faces full of the flesh of dead turkey.  Soon the bloated humans would get drowsy and fall asleep, oblivious to the football game blaring from the flat screen.

Jules and Vincent were… Read full post »

Her name was Olga Vannacommover.  An accomplished gymnast, she was an alternate on the 1976 Soviet Olympic team.  Olga smiled and cheered wildly for her teammates as she silently wished that one of the little sluts would break an ankle.

At seventeen, Olga's breasts became too large for comp… Read full post »

Anything that can get the economy going is okay with me.  Case in point, legalizing marijuana is a "no brainer" which makes the idea perfect for politicians and stoners alike.

Sales of Halloween paraphernalia are particularly strong this year which is good news for retailers of fake blood, hocke… Read full post »

I normally don't get involved in political discussions.  Every four years I write in "Jerry Springer" for President, and then I go back to pleasuring myself.  Recently a politician named Christine O'Donnell forced me to open my hand by taking an adversarial stance toward Masturbation, a hob… Read full post »

According to experts at the National Bureau of Economic Research, the recession is over!!!  In fact, the recession ended in June of 2009.

First of all bro, why did you wait so long to tell us?  Here I was acting like a man who needed to count his pennies (Yes, I… Read full post »

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, an invasive species of killer shrimp, "Dikerogammarus Villoscus" (which happens to be the same name as my belly dance instructor), has been found in a Cambridgeshire reservoir.  These are not your typical invertebrates, like Senator Harr… Read full post »

I was taught to love thy neighbor, especially if the lady of the house looked like Teri Hatcher.  So what am I to think when my neighbor across the street, whose wife resembles Abe Vigoda, puts a cannon on his front lawn, aimed directly at my house.  Isn't there a law… Read full post »

Donald Duck and his employer, the Disney Corporation, are being sued in civil court for damages in excess of fifty thousand dollars by a twenty seven year old woman from Upper Darby, Pennsylvania who alleges that she was groped and molested by Donald Duck at Disney World in 2008.

April Magolon… Read full post »

It came as no surprise to this Hollywood entertainment reporter, Murray Seltzer, that Hollywood Heavyweights, Oliver Stone and Mel Gibson, have announced a collaboration to produce, direct, write, and star in the biography of Adolf Hitler.  I met with the two Academy Award winners outside the fe… Read full post »

Lance Armstrong and other promoters of the first annual "Tour De Bronx"  had high hopes about bringing big-time, European style, bicycle racing to the U.S.A.  

Some of cycling's biggest names, including Zgtruhippoluvhandles Kowalskinflintrugelach of Poland, travelled thousands of miles to t… Read full post »

I try to avert my eyes but they are everywhere, lurking behind every corner, pouncing on me like a rabid, Jehovah witness.  I feel nauseous, panting like an agoraphobic wildebeest.  I fantasize about pouring gasoline over all of them and lighting a match.  What could make make me feel… Read full post »

The English language can be tricky and confusing, especially if you are from West Virginia or Outer Mongolia.  Add a letter, or take a letter away, and suddenly you have an entirely different meaning.

For example, a sign at McDonald's suggested that I "Try the New Anus Pounder."  The "Anus… Read full post »

General McLovin's biggest mistake, besides giving a reporter open access to his ramblings about the endless war in Afghanistan, was dissing "master of the universe," Richard Holbrooke.

The mainstream media emphasized how McLovin had to go because he insulted the president.  However, it was McLov… Read full post »

British Petroleum today announced a brilliant, new strategy to permanently seal all of the oil leaks in the Gulf of Mexico. Here is the transcript of my interview with a BP representative.

"Our previous attempts have had mixed results," admitted BP spokesperson, Edward Blockhead.

"Throwing golf ball… Read full post »

Do you think that the world needs a better mousetrap?  Do you think that the world needs a better male contraceptive than the condom?  Does anybody besides Lorena Bobbit think that a mousetrap should be used instead of a condom?

Before you attempt to answer or ignore any of these… Read full post »

My friend tells me that "He's dying for a cup of coffee."  I offer to drive him to Starbucks.  On the way there while travelling at seventy miles an hour, I push him out of the car.  Assisted Suicide?  Damn straight!  My assistance was critical to the fulfillment of my friend… Read full post »