Marketable Humanity

Lisa Burkman

Lisa Burkman
December 31
Title? Easy. Baroness.
I live with my fiancee and our dog Bea, as in Bea Arthur, or Aunt Bea. Fiction, nonfiction, gender, pop culture, race, religion are all good - and anything I can bash with sarcasm.


Lisa Burkman's Links
MAY 21, 2010 8:46AM

Lucky Opal (Fiction Friday)

It’s 4 am, and Opal just came back to bed after a visit to the bathroom.  She fell asleep about 5 hours ago, only to be awakened by an annoying twinge.  Now, as she nervously anticipates the first fade of the stars, she’s having trouble getting back to sleep.  This happens/… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MAY 17, 2010 9:46AM

Celebrifying the Homeless: A New Facebook Trend





Each time I sign in on Facebook, I grapple with the possibility that with every instance I type in my password I’m losing a couple hundred brain cells, or another ounce of invisibility.  There is something to be said ab/… Read full post »

APRIL 16, 2010 10:21AM

The Myth of Bridezilla

In a month and a half, I will be taking part in one of the most expensive events in my life - the celebration of my marriage to my college sweetheart.  I can say that I am ready for the day to be here, and for the stress of it all… Read full post »

You can't squeeze blood from a stone, as they say.  Before I began my short lived journey on Open Salon, I hadn't written in years.  Suddenly, I was overtaken with the desire to write and I did so regularly for about 2 months.  I can't explain what happened between the last… Read full post »

OCTOBER 27, 2009 2:25PM

Open Letter to Jessica Simpson

Dear Jessica Simpson,

There was quite a raucous a couple weeks ago about this Burger King commercial.  Very poor animation and the voices were probably inaccurate.  Wouldn't the Dallas Cowboys have something better to do other than talk about you being zoftig?  So unrealistic.&nbs… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 29, 2009 12:38PM

A Brush with The Invisible

I visited my grandfather, or Granddaddy, as he’d always been called - one of the cousins had bestowed that name upon him years before I was born.  He is  in a "rehabilitation center".  Rehabilitation center is an innocuous way of saying nursing/… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 14, 2009 8:14PM

Did You Learn to Whisper in a Saw Mill?



It's the beginning of the week, we're all back to work, and I'm feeling a wee bit petulant.  Irritation never ceases to crop up at the office.  I felt compelled to write a limited list of things that I've noticed over the last couple of yea… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 10, 2009 12:56PM

The Loss of Pets and Other Things

I’m writing this for my mom, who was the only one home when the vet came over to put down our 15 year-old-cat, Ginger.


She called me at work, crying.  She was with a lifeless Ginger, who’d just been euthanized minutes before.  When I saw the cat three days earlier at/… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
SEPTEMBER 8, 2009 8:52PM

A Marriage Proposal in Our Nation's Capital

He wanted the proposal to be a surprise.  He really did. Most people who know me understand that I am impossible to surprise.  I anticipate far too often, and I have learned to always expect the unexpected.  This training, much to the chagrin of myself and others, keeps me from ev/… Read full post »

Remember Jeff Corwin?  He was the adventurous, jovial anthropologist who used to be on Animal Planet with his aptly titled show The Jeff Corwin Experience.  He served as a more palatable version of Steve Irwin – he was far more attractive, just for starters.  Plus, his method of/… Read full post »

AUGUST 31, 2009 2:06PM

My Empathic Dog

If you love dogs, this article will make perfect sense to you.  If you don’t, then you might see me as just another dog sap gushing over her pet.  Today I felt like expressing something positive, loving, and pure.  The only subject that came to my mind was Bea – my/… Read full post »


Sometimes I feel like I have the short end of the stick when it comes to luck.  Like my side of the karma pool is shallow and limited. I can’t catch a break.  It seems as though the world is against me, and all the assholes are sucking all the good luck down./…

Read full post »

AUGUST 16, 2009 3:10PM

Reality TV: My Kind of Apocrypha

The worlds of reality and fiction have undoubtedly become inverted with one another.  Since the advent of so called "reality" shows, the planes of fact and fiction have become skewed.  When reality shows such as The Real World and Road Rules (and don't forget The Real World Road Rules Chall… Read full post »

JULY 20, 2009 4:57PM

Laundry, Michael, and the Moonwalk

With all this talk about the 40th anniversary of the Moon Landing, I felt compelled to share my first experience with walking on the moon.  In my living room.  I’m here all week, folks.


Most people are unaware of how unbelievably fun it is to dance the Moonwalk.  In fact, t/… Read full post »