I read Joan H's post The Power of the Apology and it hit home, you know, like a fist in the gut. I don't want to go into details, 55 years is a lot of details to cover in one post, if you haven't been reading my posts hopefully you'll still understand. I'm still keeping the emotional distance from my father's death that I need to surive.
He died this year on February 18, a couple of weeks before he died he went into one of his tantrum rants at me. Long story. So I took a chance and asked for an apology. He wound up the tirade with the usual, I don't have to apologize for anything I've done, I'm your dad and whatever I did to you I did because I love you, blahblahblah, yadda yadda yadda, a thing and a thing and a thing. All the usual razor edged excuses, except I'm numb so it's okay I guess. Funny how I can still shake thinking about it and feel hurt and angry and the rest of me is programmed to be indifferent.
Anyway, I went to fix dinner for him and my mom like a good girl. Mom was wiped out from him needing care, dying and all that. I set the table and wheeled him to it. I filled a plate and put it in front of him, then went to write a small note on a scrap of paper. I wrote all these years you hurt me again and again and now what hurts the most is that you're not even sorry that you hurt me.
It was really strange to see him hang his head and be real quiet for a minute or two, I kind of expected him to read it and calmly push it aside, he has those disdainful moves too. Then he looked up at me with eyes glassy with tears and said "I'm sorry Dodona." That was the childhood nickname he used for me, no one else ever called me that.
Sometimes I'm sorry he died soon after, I have these silly fantasies that things might have changed and if he'd lived long enough it would have been different but I know that's not true. He kind of went back to himself right after that moment. But for that one minute he really cared about me, it may not be what I wanted but it's better than nothing. He never did apologize to my mom but he was who he was. There is no point in anyone being sad about the way he was, he's gone and it's finally over for all of us.
I hope this made sense, I am a little befuddled and I just banged it out to post. I'm babysitting little Kamal for 4 days, this is day 2 and I'm already wiped out. It seems I'm always wishing for something, this week I wish toddlers napped more. Last night I kept wanting to go get her and bring her in bed with me so I'd know she was okay all night. I didn't rest all that well, I kept looking at the the monitor so I could see her in the crib. I think I'm as nervous a grandma as I was a mom. While I'm whining, my knees are a little achy hurt. I just can't keep up, laying around made me old.
Did I mention what a wonderful time I'm having? Did I mention how good it is to be so loved? her little face lights up when I go get her from her nap, she laughs out loud when I sing. Well, it is. Gotta run, kitchens a mess and the nap will be over soon. Apologies in advance if I don't respond.
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Comments
Unconditional love is a beautiful thing. Take a photo of the little one running around if you have a chance.
(was going to make an inappropriate comment about why your knees are hurtin', but thought better of it. good thing, right?)
; )~
There's just now explaining some things or understanding them...at least you had one breakthrough moment. And it sounds like that "cycle" ends with you - your descriptions of babysitting, the love you have in you...all we can hope for, sometimes. I had a wonderful "ending" with my Mom but not so with my Dad and it will always be so.
I am going to be a mess if I ever get a grandchild. A little girl was screeching in the grocery store this morning and I thought I'd run up the wall. :D
Lezlie
R with love
i cannot conceive of anything better than that, except to be
proven right in everything u have ever said.
which is not likely.
zanelle, dear Lord, kids have a lot of energy, it should go up with age, not down! Whew is right...
Buffy, I'm glad, it was wonderful to finally hear it.
pastvoices, my dad constantly told me he loved me very much, I used to wish that just once it showed. I hear people do the best they can, all I can figure is that some are capable of very little. Better to be us than them, love and peace to you.
Joan, I know how much yours hurt to write but you're right, sometimes it comes later. Maybe it gives us a deep appreciation for what we have. I am so grateful to have a grandchild to love and love me back. Thank you.
Erica, I got lucky and I know it. What I should post is a picture of me laid out flat.
Joisey, thanks. What? You gotta be kidding me, I have arthritis in my neck. Anyway, tis better to receive than give.
Wait, did I say that in my outside-my-head voice?
Jonathan, thank you.
Lucinda, as long as we know they're only fantasies. You're right, I did everything I could to be a different kind of parent.
I had stuff to sort out with my dad when he died, and I had to do it after the fact- there was no warning or expectation. Still, I knew he loved me and that helped me face asking for relief from sadness and anger. You can still write notes to him, you know, and answer them as you need.
Rob, I'm far from perfect but I ended part of the cycle and my youngest is ending even more. Truth be told I have a much easier time loving children than adults. It's hard when they pass and it didn't end well, we're left with that ending, upside for me is it's over.
Sheila, it was unexpected and wonderful. I'm staying at her house so she feels less disrupted, I will miss my little love, I will not miss the annoying beagles.
Lezlie, I have a reputation for persistence, I've been asking for an apology for close to 40 years, hahaha, I guess dying made him think about what he was leaving behind. Oh yeah, I forgot to say we had that talk earlier that day when he was being a huge ass.
There's an upside to growing up with a huge man who has raging tantrums, when little kids have fits it's seems minimal. My father was a pro at making mom and climb the walls.
fersy, he was what he was, I'll never know if he loved me but it doesn't matter, if there was a flaw it wasn't in me. Kamal loves me and I love her so I'm lucky in love.
jlsathre, for a minute, the way I felt I mattered to him and it was a really good minute. For normal people it was nothing but for him that apology was huge.
Mary, thank you, I'm quite fond of happy endings.
Renee, I'm really sorry. I think you told him anyway, the symbolism of your dream is remarkable, first the color purple, then you exposed the truth, then it turned white and no longer visible here. Perhaps you were traveling as opposed to dreaming. I have to remember to go read your post, it sounds like it will interest me.
James, I could care less about being right. Think about it, half the time when we're right it's something bad so we wish we had been wrong. Being right is highly overrated, being loved, man oh man is that good or what!
Phyllis, great way to put it, I think it was the only time we ever communicated. Being teta (grandma) is a million times better than being a mom, all play and no work.
Jack, jeez, your dad was a bigger asshole than mine! You said it about people thinking their children are little clones. Actually they just want their kids to make them look good. Our parents generation were terrible at parenting but boy did they brag about themselves. On the upside big pharma is making a killing on anti-depressants. I don't know about you but I'm really glad it's over with my dad, it was draining and there was never going to be a reward. I'm really sorry you didn't get a good dad either, I'm sorry for many of us.
Ande, there is some truth to that, that was the first time I ever saw my dad as a human or evolved species. As elegant and sophisticated as he was he always seemed like a barbarian or ape. Joy, oh yes, I live for the joy.
libby, what else can I do but be full out me, it's too late to pretend I have it all figured out. I'm grateful you do the same, thank you.
Algis, thank you, it's strange, it feels a little void of emotion, or at least I feel that way about it.
Kai2, oh God, I'm so sorrowful for you. I stopped taking my dad's crap 2 years ago, mostly I quit caring what he thought or felt about anything but I remember how it felt when I cared.
I asked because I didn't care, I had already lost hope that he would ever do the right thing. Sweet lady, it was never about you and what you did for her. I don't know how you're still feeling, I only hope that it's okay. Personally I'm overwhelmed with relief that my dad is dead, and why would I want him here? The only thing that hurts me is that my youngest loved and misses him but he was good to her, as far as I know no one else was crushed.
The biggest thing I really feel is resentment that he lived so long, it's so much better without him. It's complicated but the reality is, my dad's death wasn't a loss, for most of us, it was a gain. I hope you are okay now, of course how can we really be okay, but at least as okay as we can be. Love and peace to you.
Oryoki Bowl, I'm so sorry you didn't have a chance to work things out with your dad. It's a bear when we're stuck with all the baggage and they've gone on. I'm still in the honeymoon period of him being gone so I don't know what I'd write my dad about but I'm going to keep it in mind because it seems like a good idea. It seems like unless there is an action I can take my feelings stay the same but if I can do things differently then I feel better.
It was amazing that he acknowledged me, thank goodness he knew he was dying or I'd never have gotten a thing out of him. Better yet, he didn't live long enough to undo it. My mom was thrilled and it helped her not feel so guilty. Thank goodness, she and I finally have a good relationship and she has these bouts of guilt and I wish she wouldn't, you know how guilt ruins everything. Actually, he stunned the two of us that day, maybe it was the morphine and ativan but I tell myself that right then, he cared that I was hurting.
Now that I look at it, from the subject to the way it started and ended, this was a weird post. Life is strange.
God I'm tired.
I so like reading about Kamal...she is a true gift... Rated.
Look how much you've grown as a person right here in front of our eyes on OS!! You go girl! 'Tiz a lovely thing to see.......
;-)
.
On another note, being grandma rocks. Loving it also, enjoy Bleue~
Sky, what a nice thing to say, thank you.
Love Life, grandchildren are one of those things you pray for that's much better than what you wanted.
greenheron, I'm so glad that you got that from your mom. My mom went to therapy last year and things started to change. It's even better since my dad died, and now she hugs me all the time. I'm really lucky that she's still here.
rita, I wish dads had to try to understand their kids, but, it is what it is. Being a grandma is much better than being a mom, wife, or any career. Maybe I should give myself a title on my bio, I love being a grandma.
I am so glad you are happy.
You are doing important work, the most important...
Your post was exquisitely crafted as usual.
Gut wrenching, as usual.
I could picture the old man looking up at you, and apologizing.
I artificially extended my own poor dad's life,
much against my sisters' wishes. He was at death's door,
after my mom died, and only a tracheotomy would save him.
We got six months more of him.
He suddenly turned into a loving kissy old man.
A man who never told us he loved us, or hugged us,
now demanded big wet sloppy kisses .
My sister thanked me for giving her the extra time with dad.
The same sister who i had to fight to keep the old guy alive.
Oryoki, good thinking, I don't know why people resist the medications. It seems like having less suffering all the way around is the wise choice. Thank goodness for the hospice doctor and staff, it was a blessing to have the extra emotional support as well as the direction.