The past three years on OS has been quite the journey. July 29, 2009 is the day I first commented on OS, I don't know how long I was reading without commenting. Probably just a month or two before that. I didn't want to register or join anything, I didn't want to be seen anywhere. Then one day there was a post about war and I had to comment so I joined. I was only going to comment just the one time then go back to reading and remaining mute. That only lasted a couple of months, then I lost my resolve and started commenting more. I don't remember when we got the ability to look at our comments and ratings, if we hadn't gotten it I would never have known when I joined.
For most of my life all I did was work and raise my kids, sometimes I had to work two jobs. For me reading was a luxury, something I got to do for me as I fell asleep. I never thought about writing, especially poetry, it seemed like a waste of time when I could be cleaning or doing something to make a little money on the side so we could survive. OS opened up worlds I never ventured into and I would look at other blogger's art and wonder what it would be like to draw or paint. I've always wanted to draw or paint birds and didn't think I'd get to them so quickly but I couldn't wait any longer, I had to try.
My 5th drawing... three fabulous fat lineolated parakeets!
I don't know where you're supposed to start or what order to go in, mostly I was trying to build the two in relation/proportion to each other. I put off the white one because I don't know how to make it white with only a pencil.
Image from Google Images:
The shading shows up darker but it's just as well because then it shows up here. It was a great practice photo, I missed the inquisitive look on two of them, I needed to turn the beak on the white one and stretch the head forward on the center one. I learned from watching the other students to hold the drawing farther away from time to time to see those things.
In reading poetry I learned there was another way to express what I was feeling. I wrote this poem right after I got back from my trip last Christmas. Perhaps the next time I'm fighting being mute another poem will appear to help me speak.
A Simple Woman
Softly she went from place to place,
person to person, faceless to face.
Moving her lips but no one hears,
while flitting through their might.
Endless days bleed into nights,
fast and slow or left and right.
She's only the one she was before,
who wandered through their time.
Rules and judgment, pick and choose,
the brutal win, the gentle lose.
Sighs escape but they’re only breath,
she floated through their minds.
"Life is cheap" she heard them say,
as long as others have to pay.
She ponders reasons given weight,
when wading through their whys.
She wonders when the end will come,
do beginnings matter once you're done?
A simple woman came and went,
and drifted through their lives.
I look at this photo of me two summers ago and remember when my friend Big Dave dropped in to check on me since I'd been missing for a year. The next day I got a call from Mrs. Aries because he'd called her to say he was worried and said I looked frail. I was frail and though I'm no longer skin and bones, I'm still fragile. I'm handling myself with love and care and sticking with those who handle all humans with love and care.
I was physically sick and mentally confused when I arrived, it's remarkable how many times I've been lucky and cheated death and disaster. I don't know how much of it was the carbon monoxide poisoning from the broken furnace and how much was hitting my limit on bullies and traumas. Most of the time my brain was filled with thoughts and words that were scrambled. Some might say I don't belong here because I'm not a writer and I'm not writing about important things. Maybe I should have spent all my time at a site with people who have disorders and are working through similar things. But I can no longer remember all the books I've read and sites I've visited in order to get well. Anyway, I already know how to get or be sick, I wanted to learn how to be well. Where else would I go to expose myself to people who are functioning?
I got lucky on OS, many here have been generous and incredibly patient, I learned a lot. I got to be around people who dream and was told I could dream too. I'm not sure what to dream, or how to do it, but maybe that will come on it's own just by observing it in others. Anyway, I didn't arrive at OS with a splash, it was more like a plop so I guess beginnings don't matter, it's keeping on that matters.
If anyone told me three years ago I'd be writing and letting others know what's inside me, or trying my hand at poetry and drawing I'd have thought they were nuts. Happy Third Blogiversary to me. I'm grateful to have had this opportunity and hope to make it to my fourth.
Thank you.
A Basque In Boise
Global Rev
Robert Fuller
IceRune
Steven Bridenbaugh
theig86
Salon.com
Comments
Your drawings are simply beautiful! I love pencil sketches and the birds particulaly. I remember your early days when you were a blue and a pink shadow, forlorn, reticent, seeking. You've come a long way dear lady. You've been a supportive friend to many even amidst your own struggles, and that is a rare blessing! I hope your family learns to appreciate you and will understand what a jewel they have as a mother. You already have spoken volumes, you are no longer struggling as you did before.
Love and all the best to you.
R♥
Lezlie
I love your drawings!
~R~
I'm glad I came back.
Today I saw blue chick.
huh . . .
Blue Chicory is Bloom.
Morning Glories Bloom.
The Flora Tendrils Wrap.
The Plant Wraps Chicory.
Katydids Keep folk Calm.
You Wear Blue Farm Bib.
They are So Comfortable.
Melancholy Yields Songs.
We Endure Hard Times.
Harmony. Detail. Focus.
Quiet?
No apologize. Silence.
Then?
We Speak 'our' Mind.
Hush?
`
There's a Time To Hush.
There's a Time To Speak.
Enjoy Your Drawing Class.
`
I watch catbirds today too.
Birds chase cabbage moth.
Nature entertains humans.
`
Catbirds chop on moths.
Mommy Moth May Weep?
Nature eats Bug Insects.
`
A Spider makes a Web.
She traps the fruit flies.
Spider Webs get fixed.
No try to Fix Webs.
Kerry L. No Fix web.
He eat trap-Fruit-Fly.
`
?
`
I go wash my bib overalls.
They require no underpants.
You just sleep in your blue bibs.
`
gads
`
No go Catfish Fishing? Ay.
No lucky is a Hook Worm.
No cook catfish chowders.
Birds gobble moth. Chew.
Moo-Cows Chew a ` Cud.
No chew 'Red Mule' Chew.
Quiet is Nature Calm.
Life is a Tiny Miracle.
Ancients sensed This.
Happy Blogosphere.
I try To Be Cautious.
Practice ~ Discipline.
...happy anniversary!
Tink, 3 years, 3 parakeets and now 3 hugs, good things do come in 3's. Thank you.
Erica, it takes one to know one, you have a gorgeous spirit and are quite the force of nature yourself. Thank you.
Fusun, shadow is a good way to describe it, I was nearly not here, or anywhere. It's a blessing to have come this far, most of the time I can say more than "Thank you." There have been many here who have been supportive friends to me, I don't know what I would have done without them.
Some of my family now appreciates me and it's wonderful to be there for them. I don't need those that don't for anything so I simply avoid them.
hugs, you've been hugging me a long time, thanks. Hugs to you too.
Afrodite, my hair is wild, as am I, hahaha!!! I'm so glad you're here too. Thank you.
Lezlie, thank you. You said it, I tested my voice here and spread my wings. This is the first place I ever felt free, hahaha, look out world!
M.C.S. it doesn't feel like work, it feels like, um... I don't know, mostly it feels like someone is going to come tell me stop screwing around and do something productive with my time. If someone gets on me I'm going to tell them I'm working, thank you!
Gerald, thank you. I think it's how much I love birds that made them that way. I'm saving one with a fierce looking baby parakeet.
When I'm not comfortable with what I can say, then I am silent. There always comes a time to speak, if not, then it wasn't meant to be said. Anyway, better to be silent than weave webs. I do need to be more cautious and practice self discipline.
Kate, strangely enough, I know people who resist change and growth no matter how miserable they are. It seems I had two choices and I am the opposite of a masochist (what word is that????), it was grow or be miserable. Thank you.
Phyllis, as I said earlier, it takes one to know one, you are really beautiful, I'm lucky to have met you.
Wonderful birds, all of those found on this post.
You rule those overalls, Doris. I truly am celebrating this Blogoversary as if it was some Christmas.
Love the poem.
Jealous about the birds (can't draw to save my life).
R
I loved your post. Loved your poem! The birds are beautiful. What a gift you have! And what a wonderful vehicle to find yourself! Happy blogiversary! Many more!
I loved your post. Loved your poem! The birds are beautiful. What a gift you have! And what a wonderful vehicle to find yourself! Happy blogiversary! Many more!
Abrawang, thank you for saying it's gratifying. It really is remarkable, I never thought I'd be okay, I was out of spirit, out of fight. I'd forgotten how kind and good people can be. Thank you.
V. Corso, I love that poem too, funny that I was unable to talk or write about my feelings and the poem just appeared in my head with a rythym. The birds were so sweet to look at, drawing them was a joy. Thank you.
guss, I have been very fortunate and hope I returned some of what I received. Thank you.
Rachel, wow! I'm your first outside comment? What a lovely compliment on top of compliments, thank you very much.
I have a somewhat-distant friend who draws very precise pencil drawings of celebrities she likes - Keith Olbermann, President Obama, the late Rosie Greer. First time I saw one of her drawings, captured on her phone's camera, I thought it was a black-and-white photograph. Yep, that detailed. Even better when I saw the original.
Tell you what. If you have a camera phone or something, get a shot of some of your drawings, show them to people and ask what they think. I'll bet they'll think they're photographs too.
In our psychic rear view mirror we know that the distance behind us is closer than it seems.
R>>>>>> Thanks for sharing.
inthisdeepcalm, it is a bit like a lifeboat, the poem is all those storms that overtake us and we're helplessly tossed about.
"In our psychic rear view mirror we know that the distance behind us is closer than it seems."
A human truth we'd all like to pretend isn't so.
Sheila, the art instructor looked at the bird I'm working on and told me I was "learning to see." It's fun to think of you doing the things you've written about, your family, travel, activism, your holiday dinner tables! It's wonderful when you post or stop by and comment. Thank you and best to you and yours.
to a bleuetiful soul
"*...three little birds/on my doorstep,
sing'n sweet songs*"*"*"*"*"
(beginnings are endings in hiding,
endings are beginnings in waiting...)
Rated.
See you in the fall.
HUGGGGGGGG
Yer doin' it right kiddo!
;-)
.
Should'a been "learn" not "earn".
;-(
.
: )
Great job on the drawing.
What does it say on your farmer's bib in red embroidery?
I've had 5 house fires and this is the 2nd furnace that tried to do me in. I had a furnace with a bad blower motor that caught fire in the basement at about 2 am. I'll leave out the details of near drowning, electrocution, and being hit by a drunk driver all in my first 5 years. I come from sturdy people and should have tried writing when I still had ambition.
Inverted Interrobang, thank you! I used to sing all day while I gardened. I think that's why so many birds would come and they don't fly away if I go outside. I think they like the sound of constant human chirping.
Scylla, you have been a good friend and that's been my luck. Thank you.
tg within, thank you.
Jonathan, thank you always.
Linda, I'm so glad you're here. Love you too.
sky, that's funny, I read it as learn but that's how it is with friends, we know what they're saying. This is what life is about, that and loving one another. Thank you.
jlsathre, thanks. I feel so lucky to have had the time for these discoveries.
Joisey, hahaha! You should try DuckDuckGo for an unbiased search engine, Google knows you like OS and my posts. Sadly that means you're missing out on a better selection of tits because I merely have a weakness for birds with interesting hats.
It says 10c Sunflowers. Those are special bib overalls, my second cousin came to visit us for a month on the farm and I loved them. She was already my height at 12 and promised to save them for me when she outgrew them. When I moved back to California years later her mom had them for me. I had forgotten her promise but she'd kept it.
Lucinda, thank you and right back at you. We're pretty lucky to have kind supportive people around. Thank you.
You bring out the best in me with posts like this...
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anna1liese, so true, there is much peace found in silence.
Algis, you bring out the best in many.
Lovely birds! and so glad to have found you here, your voice has been so strong this whole time, to me...
Happy Anniversary to you!
You exemplify the things This Place can be ~ a place to open up & share, to care, a place to dare ...
Happy 3, & many more.
I loved it when you let down your hair & screamed at those guys ; when you danced, made fun, let it out that you were scared, had done it tough, were happy, were moving on up ...
Thanks, Bleue.
For what it's worth ? I love the second drawing most.
The one you must have thought 'wasn't finished.' To me, it's just right.
Kim, wow, thanks, I don't know what to say. My only other choice is to give up and that's unthinkable. Those guys, sigh, they might as well have punched. I lost it with the things they said on the previous post but still, many men don't like it when women dare to say things back to men.
The fruit bowl? It was fun. I never went any farther, the orange remains an undimpled outline frozen in a bowl of completed fruit. Hahaha, just like in life, the subject has no control. Now I love the tufted bird I'm drawing. I'm watching the baby next week but I think I'm going to try paint the following week. I want to keep being excited and free to do what I want for as long as possible.
You know what's funny? Once you escape from your cage, you'll do anything not to go back in it again.
joyonboard, thank you. It turned out to be easier than continuing to keep everyone out. In retrospect, I'm grateful for my desperation.
The modelling of their heads, their shiny alive eyes, & the sketchiness & white paper struck me as a beautiful contrast.
I'm not saying I don't love the finished result, just there's something interesting about unfinished drawings ...
Why it's so great to record the stages.
Sometimes I wish I had someone around who could yell STOP, at a certain point, before I go further than I need to ...
Anyway, just shush, Kim, & let the woman DRAW for god's sake :-)
Kim, oh, at the very least everyone had to have two feet, I couldn't leave them out. I didn't think of stopping until they were all there, I was enjoying drawing them to life for me. I wasn't thinking about how they looked and don't know anything about contrast. It's exciting drawing them because I'm completely unconfined. I'm lucky not to be an artist or writer because that means I'm free to write or draw what I want.
No need to shush, KEEP TALKING, I'm doing whatever is happening and I love your comments. I need more practice yelling. Let me know when you're working on a painting and I'll yell STOP at a random moment. Then you can continue until you feel like stopping, or go drink coffee and relax. I made a girlfriend in art class, she's 70, looks closer to 50 and very rebellious. We are now the class rowdies, I see a definite trend.
The bird on the left looks like light has hit its belly more than it seems unfinished, to me. I think you have a nice gift...
Donegal Descendant, thank you. I inherited my father's determination, which is a double edged sword, hahaha, you know. In this case it worked in my stead. Sinking into the drawing and watching the details appear is relaxing and freeing. It's nice to be able to draw things I love to look at.
I'm lucky to be here and remind myself to be grateful. Right now it doesn't feel inspiring, it feels, I guess, like a never-ending task. But I want to be well, or high functioning again. Not being okay is awful, someday I hope to be glad I'm alive, you think you'll get used to feelign this way but you never do. I suppose that's because it's unnatural. I don't know. Yes thank God, I'm out of my cage and never going back in.
Wow. Your drawings are so damn good. You are so talented. Glad to be reading you that you are here and have been here for me also.
Boogie on Bleue~
jmac, I may stick with it, so far I'm enjoying it.
Dianne, thank you so much!
Rita, it's not just what we found here, it's what we've made of it. I remember clearly a few words you wrote me once, yes, life is so hard but it is so very soft too, I would not have gotten this well all alone. Thanks for being part of the softness.