If I want to get to heaven

I have to walk away from hell
APRIL 4, 2012 10:57PM

I'm the woman I used to be

Rate: 38 Flag


I’ve been too sad lately, it’s been 8 years and I should be over my former husband by now. Everyone wants me to be over it, so that’s how I pretend to be. I miss more than the man, I miss who I was with him. How easy it was to be myself, think what I wanted, feel what I wanted, express what I wanted, be quiet when I wanted. He thought so highly of me, more than I deserved. He was a plain man, quiet, funny with his close friends and tough as hell. He treated waitresses like they were princesses and his word was gold. I was so proud that someone that good loved me. I don’t do well in captivity but like anyone else I want a soft place to land, and he was mine.


It wasn’t an easy life, or a good life by many people’s standards, but it was my dream life. It was dinner I made every night, no phone calls or TV, just family. It was helping to load steers into a trailer when they scared me, putting the zert in the U Joint because I have long thin fingers, learning to shoot the shotgun so he could leave for two weeks, and standing the walls for the garage I wanted. It was a million times I said “no I can’t do it,” and he said “yes you can, I need a buddy here.” I was his buddy too. It was the screened porch and the pond he built me with the waterfall so I could watch the birds play. And it was never feeling guilty if I just sat there all day with a book. It was the bird book and journal for Christmas and all the hours I chattered endlessly about the Indigo Buntings.


I never took any of it for granted, he was my good husband, I was his good wife. No matter how broke we were or what misfortunes came, I felt safe. I knew he had my back and I had his, he was always on my side. Every morning for 11 years he said mornin’ gorgeous and I always believed him. He had a voice like Sam Elliot and I never stood a chance, “hey gorgeous come give me a hand fixing the fence.” I miss feeling pretty while twisting baling wire. I miss the sound of his truck and running down the porch steps like I was a young girl. “Hey gorgeous” like he meant it, like gorgeous was my name


It was safe to be sweet, to be generous, to be forgiving, to be loyal, to be trusting, to truly love all the way. It felt so good to be that happy. We should never have moved to the city, it was bad and 6 months later he left. Our second real argument in 11 years, I came home from work the next day and he was gone. Like someone once said, it was over… just like that. He even left on a day I hated, April 15th. It still feels like someone is crushing my chest when I remember it. I knew him well, knew nothing I said would make him come back and he didn’t.



I’ll never forget the first bird’s nest he brought me, he said “I have a tray-zure for you” He always called little things he brought me treasures and said it in a funny way tray-zure. The nest was tiny and lined with mane or tail hair from my crazy-assed filly. I felt like he always saw the me inside, the nest is here by my desk to help me remember who I was with him. I’ve since dated and have had boyfriends and I don’t like who I’ve been with any of them. Lately I’ve been afraid and it’s hard to remember who I was 8 years ago but I’m trying.




The above piece was written in Feb 2010, today I remember who I am.


Once I was a foolish girl hoping that dreams would come true. One day one did, I didn’t do anything special, I got lucky. Maybe I’m just a foolish middle aged woman but I keep hoping one more dream will come true.





Golden Slumbers fill your eyes

Smiles await you when you rise

Sleep pretty darling do not cry

And I will sing a lullaby



I have slept a very, very long time. Smiles await me.



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I am sure that you were never foolish and that many smiles await you.
What a beautiful reflective piece of writing.
rated with love
That day will come. Lovely piece. R
Poetess, hahaha! I was very foolish when I was young but it's okay, that's what youth is for. Yes, smiles await me.

Marilyn, I hope so. Thank you.
Yes,that's exactly how it feels,either way.
I'm glad you managed to move on.
Love is so special,it gets the best out of us,turning us into beauty queens,happy wives,loving moms,etc.,etc.
This memory will help you trudge along.
Yes,that's exactly how it feels,either way.
I'm glad you managed to move on.
Love is so special,it gets the best out of us,turning us into beauty queens,happy wives,loving moms,etc.,etc.
This memory will help you trudge along.
Sorry for the double post.

L'Heure,For me the best story I have read..What a beautiful thinking "Smiles await me"..It sure is...Being alone without your buddy is a worst..Your life has so many commons with mine..I could not find the words to write my feelings and thinkings..My mind is still not clear enough to understand myself some times...It is like a sleeρ..αs you said it..with nightmares...Your writing here gave me hoρe..Beautiful,sentimental..humane...

L'Heure,I liked your blog cause of the title...and the title of the links..the "Laughing at myself".But with this work I think that I have just met an excellent ρerson...your former husband...and you...You carry such beauty inside..I many times tell myselfs with songs..and Beatles is the "All you need is love"....Excellent work so needed in my bad,sad days..You see...you will be haρρy.Rated...and wishes for your dreams to be real...Best regards..So many similarities...
We remain the same inside Blue.
Sometimes I want someone to say hey Gorgeous to me when I come home. But my cat is enough I suppose.

Great thoughts on life. They ain't no pot of gold waiting at rainbow's end for nice girls. Not for me, anyway,
He sounds like a ghost, a myth, something knitted by you out air. Someone who would not, could not, bear a single conflict in eleven years, who after one argument, left you in just a day. He was not a man who knew how to love a real flesh and bone woman.

I had a husband for eleven years too. He was pretty nifty, and I adored him, adored being married. He had a big important career, was extraordinarily smart, and I loved that, his smartness. I had a small career, not as important, but it brought in the bacon while he studied for his doctorate in a library carrel. When the Ph.D was complete, the big job offer made and accepted in another city, I understood that I would always be expected to drop everything of mine and follow him, that being his wife meant being a satellite around his sun, for life.

Thing is, I'm a sun too, and just as smart as I thought he was. So, my friend, are you. Men are fabulous beings, to sit beside us on our benches, to keep us company, bathe us in their male energy. But they cannot and do not define us. We do. Sometimes, we need an empty bench to discover that, and the empty bench becomes the most beautiful and desirable place in the world to be.
very moving, Bleue, and how tender you are with his memory, even with what must have been profound shock and grief over his sudden leaving. someone who makes it easy to be your higher self and helps you fall in love with yourself. wow. I love reading that you now remember who you are, also! I also think of that quote about people coming into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. sometimes we don't know until much later which of the three categories they belonged in. best, libby xx
It is hard to forget the good times. Bring them front and center. You will never be who you used to be. Your experience has changed you. That is what time does. But the you that you are today is wiser and more reflective. The now you appreciates more and lingers less on the trivia. That is what time does.

Rated for heart and soul.
This is a beautiful revelation. I feel that I know you much better now. You're not foolish. You have much love to give.
A beautiful revelation. And you are not foolish. Don't stop believin'.
I've had the good fortune to fall in love five times in my life. I've loved of few others as well... those memories, painful as they sometimes may be, are the true "tray zures" of my life... in that sense, you are a rich woman.
Bleue: thanks for this today, enjoyed the look back and then forward. What Heron said was profound to me, I need to be reminded of these things too, I get myself so wrapped up in emotions that I forget to require certain things for me. Hope your day is good with lots of flowers!
Your post is beautiful. Heron's comment was equally poignant, and something I needed to hear right now. Thank you, Bleue.
Damn right smiles await you!!

Also, I brought you a present!!

~drops a dead bird at her feet~ It's a bluejay!!

maybe of happiness, I'm not sure!! Tastes pretty good!! :D
This is one of your best posts. For a man to leave after the 2nd argument is one selfish act. You deserve so much better than this. Write out what you want in a man, send it out to the universe and then go about your life loving yourself and taking care of you. You will be happy again./r
I'm glad you are back to being you. You are only pretty if you feel pretty inside, if someone outside you makes you feel good to be you it will evaporate. While he sounded too good to be true in your description, almost like a man in a romance novel, that proved true once he left. A good man would not have left you. Even if the city was a bad place to be.
Bleue, this is one of the best posts you've ever written. Beautiful and so honest and so much of you showing. Rated with love. :0)
Bleue, this is one of the best posts you've ever written. Beautiful and so honest and so much of you showing. Rated with love. :0)
What a beautiful love story, L'Heure. Aren't we all foolish when we are young? Sometimes I still am.
Well, I can't help you there, Blue. I'm an ugly little creep with no social skills, no ability to lie, and no ability to get anything back for all I've given to women. I never had, and never will, have anything close to a lifemate. But I do have a friend in a situation similar to yours.

She is about my age, was abused by both her mother and the Church of Scientology, and still has a lot of issues. Her lucky moment was marrying a wonderful, talented musician. I got to see their love for each other a few times when I went to San Diego Comic-Con and bought them entrance tickets there.

Her husband came down with some kind of blood cancer that wasn't leukemia. For a while he beat it back - her relatives managed to get him into City of Hope - but it came back hard and it felled him, in their bed, at their home one night.

She was, and is, devastated. She may have dated a little afterwards, but she believes her hubby was the love of her life, and she'll never have anyone like him again. And being an atheist, she doesn't believe there's an afterlife and he's completely gone, except in her memory.

But she has gone on. Although she's dead broke, she's gotten people to do concerts for a cancer fund in his memory. She pickets on behalf of affordable health care in California, against Der Gropenfuhrer, Big Pharma and Big Insurance. She did assistant editing and is doing PR for a documentary on the Japanese tsunami, Pray for Japan, now getting some release around America. And she's doing her own documentary, 21: Linux Comes of Age right now.

Instead of being weighed down by her sorrow, she's used it as fuel to help others. And Blue, I think you may be wanting to do the same thing. My friend proves that you can do it too.
greenheron certainly sums it up very well. Pedestals are very small.
I remember reading that. I wish you so much happiness and you deserve it. It will come, out of the blue, but it will come!

This is a lovely reflection.

Keep holding on and remember to love yourself, and I think it will happen again for you when your heart is really ready.
This post is wonderful...grieving for someone who made you feel like that is torture. I've grieved for someone like that (not my husband). It's hard to let go, and easy to remember. I'm glad you're feeling that confident woman again. You are brave.
a wonderful introspective piece
This was such a lovely post. You were blessed for the time you had together, and now you are wiser and understand the wonder of kindness and love. You can find it again because you know better what you are looking for.
Heidi, unless I count my first dog, my first experience with love was as a mom. Love is so special, it made life feel worth living. Life is harsh, it's good to return to the memory of having that with a man.

Stathi, it's a blow to lose someone very special, especially if you find yourself alone and have to pretend it doesn't hurt. It took a long time for my mind to clear, it also took strong people to offer comfort and love. We all have our own needs and heal differently.

I'm sorry you're hurting, I wish you peace, joy and love. I honor the sorrow within you and hope you smile soon.

Mission, yeah, don't make me cry. It's a tough old world and getting tougher. The brutal thrive, the strong survive them, the gentle must rely on luck, brains and a place to run. God help the gentle if they run out of all three.

greenheron, how odd to find your comment after I waking up with my head playing the "all men are bad tape." I guess it's based on my own personal experiences. He had his flaws; he tracked in a lot of dirt, even fresh cowshit once. He was terrible with money and I suspect he was dyslexic, though incredibly smart, he could barely read. It wasn't worth fighting over what to me were little things. I have many flaws too. We adapted and took on what we were good at, perhaps we both compromised too much. It worked for us.

I'm not the sun type, nor was he, it just wasn't either of our natures. I love a parade, don’t want to sit on the float, I like building it. It was his suggestion for us to move near my family because my dad was ill, the same way I suggested we move near his real father a decade before. I guess we were both that type of person. I know what happened when his mom died, know the aunt and uncle who adopted him and their children. Today I understand how he became so shut down, I also understand it in myself. Hindsight has it's uses.

I suppose I could have written all that to fill out the piece, make it more interesting or explain the details. I wanted to leave it the way I first wrote it. As always, I only write for me. It's like remembering back when I had good bosses and got treated with respect at work even as a grunt. In times like this when the world is harsh, it's important for me to remember happy times and that there is beauty in the world.
This piece touches so deeply into my soul...and I smile an feel joy swell when I think of waking my love in the cool mornings, after the chores, after the dog is walked and fed, and I have had my tea with the morning news..."Time to wake up beautiful...it's 7:30 my love...."
Libby, thank you. It's one of the places I go when sad, hopeless or frightened. He is a good man, like so many of us, damaged in early life and yet he did all he could to help others. I'm grateful to have had all those years, it was wonderful to finally be seen that way. Now I see myself that way too.

Ande, I'm grateful to have had good times to remember. Wise and insightful comment, age does bring wisdom. Thank you for the reminder.

Patrick, it's challenging for me to reveal my soft side, OS has been a place for me to take risks. Memories of joy make it possible for me to believe. Thanks.

jmac, we live and hopefully there are many good times. I can be very selfish and not want to share these precious memories but yes, I'm a rich woman indeed.

rita, it's good for me to reflect and see how much I've healed, and how much more I still can.

onislandtime, though things were hard it was a beautiful time in my life. I'm grateful to have had it.

Tink, good kitty, I love birds! Going to climb up on the roof and give flying a shot, first have to drag out a mattress, just in case...
Christine, we don't always get what we deserve. He deserved better than the parents and siblings he had but he was damaged. If only he'd had a chance to develop conflict resolution skills it would have been different. It was heartbreaking to reach out and not be able to reach such a beautiful man. He withdrew to a place no friend or family member could touch, though many who love him tried. He simply shut down. To be honest I'm sitting here crying remembering. I hope he's well and has found happiness, he deserves it. You're right, so do I.

Pam, I've run from things I didn't have skills or means to get through and consider myself a good woman. Some mistakes are harder to live through than others. Our life no novel, it was more survival on the verge of poverty. It's nice to have someone think you're beautiful when you're wearing clothes covered in cowshit. It was mostly hard work, but it was a good life for me. I'm also glad I'm able to be back to me. Thank you.

Blu, thanks. Ugh, it's always challenging to share these things openly. Thanks for the love.

hugs me, thank you.

Erica, it was actually dreary in many ways so I'm glad I married him when I was older. Foolishness was the fun part of youth, often it comes with a high price. My arthritis is telling me to day not to be foolish!

neutron, hahaha, my ex was so skinny it hurt to look at him. He had zero social skills and just said what he thought, luckily he had mostly good thoughts. The poor guy thought I was all that, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. We were lucky, we were surrounded by people who weren't shallow and they saw what a great guy he was.

Strange story, one of the quiet conflicts we had was him wanting to buy a motorcycle after we moved. I had this terror he would be killed and I would be left alone in the shark tank (around my family). It turned out I was left alone in the shark tank anyway.

I suspect you're right, I'm feeling better every day. I don't have the energy to do things I once did but I'm getting there. You go out there and find a woman deeper than a petri dish. Empty flattery, blech, who needs it!
I know. You've grieved a long time and I'm glad the sun is starting to shine again for you.
My sis L. just met her (by all indications so far) soulmate
at age 62. My other Sis got a soulmate in her mid 50's.
There is always time, but it's my opinion
that the world is so big & complicated,
it just takes longer these days to find that
right one...

The first paragraph, above, is one of the nicest things
i have ever read about love.
"I miss who I was with him. How easy it was to be myself, think what I wanted, feel what I wanted, express what I wanted"....
Great lovers open clearings in our soul's landscape.
Big sky, big country...
You are beautiful because of the good heart you have.
This was a very touching piece, thank you.
asia, we all see different things as being beautiful. Thanks for commenting.

scanner, thanks. You've read and know how far I've come. The best gift I got was finding out that I deserve happiness.

Diary, learning to love myself wasn't easy, thank you for the reminder.

Maureen, yes, when someone who treats you well is gone it's torture. It was like when my grandmother would visit and then go and the endless ache of being alone. It's not courage that drives me, it's hope.

Sarah, it was good to pull it up and look again. Thanks.
Lea, exactly! Experiencing love and kindness was a huge gift. Who knew what that could feel like? It took me a long time to understand, now I KNOW and can continue to live and grow. You said it, I was blessed. Thank you.

Gary, I used to pause and think of them as ordinary miracles. Yes, joy swells within you and day to day things are made beautiful by love. Beautiful comment, the soul sees beyond what the eyes view.

Razzle Dazzle, thanks I'm glad the sun is starting to shine too.

James, I think there are many soulmates but not all are lovers or life mates. There are those that let the "colors in your mind" shine and it's a joy to have them in my life because that's what's right for me. I don't know that everyone wants that, we are all suited to those like us I think. Some people need someone to do athletics or other interests with, I need a lot of quiet and alone time too. "Great lovers open clearings in our soul's landscape." Like you, for me that's very much so.

ladyfarmerjed, a good heart is the thing I see as beautiful in others so that's a lovely compliment. Thank you.
Blue, a year ago today I lost my guy and everything you describe in your relation and it's sudden ending are, of course, painful. I worked very hard to get over the greatest six years, gone in a few days. He was my other half, my best friend and we rarely had a bad hour.

I have accepted that it's over. But I, too, have episodes of remembering such a rich and easy time. It hurts way less but there are at times: nostalgia because being so loved and then the loss is one hard matter to overcome. I agree with others above that you will have a great trusting love again. In the meantime, I suggest from an almost identical pain to subscribe to the notion that one door shuts and others open. When the time is right you'll be happy again. Because you do how to love and that is the key that will open the next love. May it happen soon. Prayers from over here for you and Stathi. Keep moving, keep working for other's happiness and yours will come again. As for myself, being older, it's more for me about friendship and also seeing the downside I had no reason to analyze when I was so close to him, so content. But my rule now is to not think of him. These men who leave us when they so loved us have wounds which were subtle but in the aftermath, I see what I did not, below the surface. Hugs and Love R
So glad that you've found yourself again.
Oh my. This is so very very lovely. I hope for that dream for you, too.
wendyo, you nailed it, losing your best friend hurts like hell. It was easier to have new relationships after having only bad ones, then you have a huge loss and know what you're missing. I do know how to love and that's what I want in return. I have to keep myself well and strong. I cannot keep my own subtle wounds or the obvious ones. Love and strength to you.

phyllis, it's a blessing, thanks for lovely comments on this piece on both blogs.

Firechick, thank you so much.
Beautiful. I am glad you found yourself again. I know that many smiles await you.
OMG memories that haunt means your going to have one great year when you set the past aside and live for a fresh new day. Why not fill your birds nest with the treasure of this springs bounty and remember the past is meant only as a guidline. Best to you and more...
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............... *•.¸.•* ♥⋆★•❥Keep on Keeping on!(ツ) & ♥ L☼√Ξ ☼ ♥
⋆───★•❥ ☼ .¸¸.•*`*•.♥ (ˆ◡ˆ) ♥⋯ ❤ ⋯ ★(ˆ◡ˆ) ♥⋯ ❤ ⋯ ★
This is AGONIZINGLY PAINFUL!! Was he not the perfect person you thought? People who really love you do not just leave without warning.
You deserve so much better and I hope you find it.
I'm stuck on this: "He thought so highly of me, more than I deserved."
I never felt I deserved to be loved the way that I desperately wanted/needed to be. Working on that has been slow going.

For me it's been over two years since the demise of my 21 year marriage, and it's taken all that time to find "the woman I used to be" before I allowed him to define me. I did not have the emotional satisfaction in my relationship that you had in yours but I did share your feelings of loss over what I did have before he quit.

"Hello Gorgeous" is so overwhelmingly powerful to our less egotistical souls...it's a powerful, dramatic aphrodisiac. I know its power all too well after being with a man who would never give a compliment. Today I'm with a different man who loves me dearly and compliments me freely. Amazingly refreshing change! A place to be loved, and to love, "all the way."

Greenheron says men don't define us; we do. I so agree.

Thank you, Ms. Bleue, for sharing this deeply personal story of your life. I relate to it more than any other I've read here, for both the obvious reasons and your amazingly honest, heartfelt writing.
Midwest Muse, may we all have many smiles.

Algis, I love it, yes, a great year and the past is only guideline!

Kathy, there is no perfect person, only those who are a good fit for us. Life is filled with change and surprises, some are painful but at least this one came after much joy.

SagCap, thanks. Maybe the problem has been I think I deserve as much as I give, I can be very Libra. We all have many imperfections, he did, I did "He thought so highly of me, more than I deserved." That's when someone says I don't love you in spite of your baggage, it's when they say I love all of you. He didn't define who I was, it was simply safe to be who I am. I guess you have to live it to understand what it means.

Frank, thank you.