I’ve been too sad lately, it’s been 8 years and I should be over my former husband by now. Everyone wants me to be over it, so that’s how I pretend to be. I miss more than the man, I miss who I was with him. How easy it was to be myself, think what I wanted, feel what I wanted, express what I wanted, be quiet when I wanted. He thought so highly of me, more than I deserved. He was a plain man, quiet, funny with his close friends and tough as hell. He treated waitresses like they were princesses and his word was gold. I was so proud that someone that good loved me. I don’t do well in captivity but like anyone else I want a soft place to land, and he was mine.
I never took any of it for granted, he was my good husband, I was his good wife. No matter how broke we were or what misfortunes came, I felt safe. I knew he had my back and I had his, he was always on my side. Every morning for 11 years he said mornin’ gorgeous and I always believed him. He had a voice like Sam Elliot and I never stood a chance, “hey gorgeous come give me a hand fixing the fence.” I miss feeling pretty while twisting baling wire. I miss the sound of his truck and running down the porch steps like I was a young girl. “Hey gorgeous” like he meant it, like gorgeous was my name
It was safe to be sweet, to be generous, to be forgiving, to be loyal, to be trusting, to truly love all the way. It felt so good to be that happy. We should never have moved to the city, it was bad and 6 months later he left. Our second real argument in 11 years, I came home from work the next day and he was gone. Like someone once said, it was over… just like that. He even left on a day I hated, April 15. It still feels like someone is crushing my chest when I remember it. I knew him well, knew nothing I said would make him come back and he didn’t.
I’ll never forget the first bird’s nest he brought me, he said “I have a tray-zure for you” He always called little things he brought me treasures and said it in a funny way . The nest was tiny and lined with mane or tail hair from my crazy-assed filly. I felt like he always saw the me inside, the nest is here by my desk to help me remember . I’ve since dated and have had boyfriends and I don’t like who I’ve been with any of them. Lately I’ve been afraid and it’s hard to remember who I was 8 years ago but I’m trying.
The above piece was written in Feb 2010, today I remember who I am.
Once I was a foolish girl hoping that dreams would come true. One day one did, I didn’t do anything special, I got lucky. Maybe I’m just a foolish middle aged woman but I keep hoping one more dream will come true.
Golden Slumbers fill your eyes
Smiles await you when you rise
Sleep pretty darling do not cry
And I will sing a lullaby
I have slept a very, very long time. Smiles await me.