If I want to get to heaven

I have to walk away from hell
MARCH 30, 2012 2:44AM

Ex-boyfriends that email you & drunk racist bitches

Rate: 26 Flag

Tuesday night I got home from celebrating a friends birthday and found an email from my last boyfriend ("The Pilot" if you're keeping up on my disastrous history).  It was a simple hi how are you. I'm as suspicious of simple as I am of complex. I hadn’t heard from him since 2008 and I doubted after our last exchange that he would contact me after the blasting I gave him. I’d been motivated to give him one last blast because of a flirtatious email he sent me one month before his replacement girlfriend moved in. He married her 8 months after I moved on, perhaps she has moved on too.

 

Though unremarkable in any way he was an arrogant fellow. Who knows what prompted him to contact me? And who cares? The following morning I woke up with this ugly memory from that relationship.  I laid in bed a long time remembering hurtful words on an ugly night.

 

One Friday I called to cancel plans to spend the weekend at his place in a nearby rural town. I had a sinus infection and needed to go home after work and rest, he pleaded for me to come and promised it would be quiet and he would take care of me. Turned out he wouldn’t keep his word.

 

We were watching TV and his son and daughter-in-law stopped by, she and her girlfriend were drunk. He invited them in and knowing her to be mean, self absorbed and spoiled I took him aside and told him I didn’t want the noise. He chose to start drinking the rum they brought and my head started to pound. I was considering the long drive home or trying to sleep in his bedroom which opened onto the living room. He said one drink. I should not have believed him.

 

As they were talking the daughter in law started into an angry diatribe about “the Mexicans” in the next county. I fade to white in winter and have no accent so people forget who they’re speaking in front of. I’m personally familiar with bigotry, from childhood as an immigrant, and 50 years later as a woman who in summer is extremely dark. Most of the community she was outraged about were born in the US, just like her. Brown, not like her.

 

Most did not have the easy life she did as an adult. Her drunken rant wandered around from anger that they had so many kids in “our schools” to how they were taking “good jobs” and “sucking up welfare money.” I interrupted her a few times and told her she was saying hurtful things about decent people who had a right to jobs and schools. She got more belligerent. I said she needed to stop or I was leaving. She liked me and didn’t want me to go, she wanted me to have a drink. The last thing I needed was to release my inhibitions, I was struggling to keep control.

 

The whole time my boyfriend was watching and drinking while I was jabbing him with my elbow. Her husband was trying like a good little enabler to hush her up by making useless soothing noises. Drinking brings out your true nature so his role in the relationship was to pull her out of physical bar fights because she was a mean drunk, God forbid she ran into a very pretty girl. He’d brought her over to avoid the bar. I wasn’t going to be conciliatory over such blatant hatefulness. She became more belligerent and defensive, but prefaced what was coming next by telling me not to get her wrong because she had friends who were Mexican. As if it made her magnanimous to say she had friends of another color. I wonder how many of her friends would magnanimously say "don't get me wrong, I have friends who are racist bitches." 

 

Unfortunately she showed complete hypocrisy by then saying the real issue she had was that they were dirty people. I’ve had friends of every race, religion, and income level, cleanliness is individual, my mother’s home was immaculate from back when we lived in poverty. I’d been to the bitch’s home and the woman was a pig. Her husband did what little housework got done. Not disorderly, but filthy. It infuriated me that a mean, dirty, drunkard, bully felt free to speak hatefully about people she didn't know just because of their race. She was superior simply  because she was white, even more superior in granting her friendship to some of those brown people. This shit just pisses me off.

 

My head felt like I had an ice pick through the temple and I unloaded on her, then I reloaded. Bottled up anger only sharpens my brain so I asked what her heritage was,  she said German. Stupid girl handing me ammo. I called her a nazi supremacist bitch. I don't remember exactly everything I said but… I believe the term dirty Amazon may have been used a few times because of her height and broad shoulders. My useless boyfriend was now drunk and giggling which served to fuel my rage, I blasted her for a good five minutes. Her useless husband had his mouth opening and shutting like a carp on the shore, no soothing noises came out. The elfish girlfriend was staring at me like I’d grown a second head, because no one defied the bitch. The only talking was my machine gun mouth. If I hadn’t been so furious it would have been comical.

 

Then she leaned toward me to placate me by apologizing and as she often did spilled her glass of wine, unfortunately on me. I exploded again and in what can only be described as drunken idiocy the bitch changed tactic, told me she loved me, and leaped (leaped!) over onto me on the loveseat and attempted to hug me! Those who know how I feel about hugging can let that sink in.

 

I found myself trapped under a giant drunken racist crazy who was clinging to me in a full body hug and telling me I’m wonderful and she loves me. Being loved isn't all that it's cracked up to be. She had 50 pounds and at least 6 inches on me and I was wriggling, pushing her and shouting at her to get off me. The useless boyfriend was next to me shaking with laughter, the useless husband was telling her stop from across the room. Surrounded by useless people I did the only thing I could do. I put one knee in her chest, my hands on her shoulders and ejected her from my little brown body.

 

Strangely enough when she hit the carpet she sat there and started to cry, blubbering about the mean things I’d said to her. For me to have cared any less about her feelings I’d have to be dead. Instead my only thought was escaping the rural episode of Trashy Drunk Bitch. I beelined for the bedroom and grabbed my overnight bag. Useless husband went to help drunk bitch off the floor and make more useless soothing noises at her. Poor little baby, a grown up finally told her to shut her filthy fucking mouth.

 

Useless boyfriend followed me to the car and instead of laughing was making soothing “I’m sorry sweetie, I love you, please stay the night, you are wonderful, I should have done something, you make me happy” noises. I couldn’t say any of those things back and the useless soothing noises made me want to knee him in the nuts. I got in the car and escaped the insanity.

 

Though the scene is funny to describe in retrospect, what isn’t funny is how ugly and hurtful those things are to hear. He called the next day and tried to mollify me by making excuses for her behavior (she had a hard childhood, she drinks and loses control, she has anger issues, blah blah blah) and his laughing through it. His life was unaffected by her words but him co-signing her nastiness doesn’t make life better for others. It only makes it easier for him. I suppose easy was enough for him. Him making excuses for her or himself wasn’t enough to make it better for me.

 

Lots of people have hard childhoods and adult lives. Thank goodness they don't all choose  to be like that or the world would be even more fucked up. I suppose people like that don't have to change, I'll have to hear those things as long as I live, and continue to get angry or make my escapes.

 

I have no idea why he sent me that email but yesterday it pissed me off. Today, for me to care any less, I’d have to be dead.

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[r] you sure know how to tell a dramatic tale, my friend. I feel as if I am in the room with what must have been claustrophobic craziness. Racism not pretty, whether slyly inserted or drunkenly broadcast, the latter of course being more head splitting and harder to wrestle with. Did you coin the "for me to care any less, I’d have to be dead!" expression? Machine gun mouth is also pretty descriptive and strong. compelling story and hope it was cathartic to get it out there.

certainly appropriate and consciousness raising for the issue of racism being discussed so often because of the Tayvon Martin tragedy.

Don't know if you ever watched the movie Gentleman's Agreement with Gregory Peck. It is about anti-Semistism and at one point the person who has been persecuted talks about how the people who ENDURE other people's racism without calling it out are enablers that help proliferate the racism. Silence means assent in other words, or signals assent to the racists spewing. I think the movie was not a classic, it told more than showed as they say, but I think the theme was very strong and noble. best, libby
My gawd Blue....

So well written I was there with you, a bit unwillingly tho'. Thought I was going to smother under Trashy Racist Bitch till you threw her off in the floor.....never mind what I think of the rest of the folk you have around the place.......

Need more coffee.. Uggg...
Drinking can distort everything and lead easily into trauma. I'm talking about the kind of drinking you describe. The fact that ypou remember the details tells me that this was very traumatic for you. Healing comes slowly...
Wow, Bleue! You wrote the hell out of this post. Brava! You made an important point about racism: it isn't just about African Americans and Mexicans (or whichever group happens to be the target, depending on where one lives.) I have always believed that people who talk like your tormentor did are bigots, through and through.

Lezlie
Alcoholics use a language you can recognize, and avoid them ever after. Knowing the language, as it sounds like you do, will keep you safer and happier than knowing how to speak French.
There is no reason for crap like this and glad you stood your ground. Too many people out there like her with no excuse actually then not using their brain.
I wouldn't stand for it either and that's one more for the bad pile that has been dealt with.
I know you dont like hugs but huggggggggggggg
You are such a strong woman. I escape. I am still escaping. Hiding here in my bubble. Letting no one in.
Libby, it's amazing how people listen to racism and don't say a thing. It's like they don't want to offend the racist. Heaven forbid we offend an offensive bitch. It's totally enabling the racist to have all the power.

What pissed me off about him is that people of color weren't entitled to have their rights defended but he's entitled to have sex with one. I really should have decked him. I was livid.
Great post, nicely written. Way to stand up and not take it.

Yeah, you shoud've kicked him in the nuts when you thought about it.
Libby, "For me to care any less, I'd have to be dead!" Was from my eldest daughter. My long time friend Mrs. Attorney is the original "machine gun mouth."

Mission, I struggle with hugging people I'm close to. Having someone so repulsive fling herself on top of me was a full body insult and the stupid pilot just sat next to me laughing like a simpleton. Uggg is right.

Patrick, even when I'm not sick, I don't drink around people like that. I only have cocktails if I'm around safe people. Things get too out of control and though the pilot was jovial, she was a bitch, drinking intesifies the personality.

I was surprised to wake up thinking about it. I haven't said much about the Trayvon killing but inside it eats at me, it's likely between that and his email it triggered the memory. It felt like when I was little and got called a dirty nigger or beat up, and no one cared. Maybe part of the healing is to realize I'm big now and I stopped her.

Lezlie, thanks. As you say, it's not about the group they target, it's about the racist. If everyone was the same color they would attack fat people or people with red hair, or whatever target they could prey on. When she was out in bars she attacked other women.
Very cool for you standing up to that clown. It sounds like she feels very gifted for the white(probably pasty) color of her skin. She fails to see other gifts or anything to grace her with value or superiority so she gloms on to the whiteness that imparts to her an opportunity to feel better than. Predictable are these bullies and racists. Loved all the useless soothing sounds and just the whole telling. Comical and absurd, as is your style, much of the time. Loved that she loved you and respected you for standing up to her. Sounds like she might be slightly capable of redemption.
greenheron, because of his job he didn't drink often and was nice when drinking. I have friends who drink at parties and there can be 50 people and there are no problems, just happy times. When mean people drink they piss someone off and all hell breaks loose. I finally broke loose.

Linda, I'm sick of putting up with crap and not going to back down. Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.

I couldn't get her off me, can you imagine my horror? Total freak out but I handled it myself. You have positive energy, I'd gladly exchange a big hug with you.

zanelle, strength? Hah! It was 50 years of bottled anger, I desperately wanted to smack her nasty spoiled brat mouth. And I did escape, when in danger it's smart to run as soon as you can. The bubble is a good place to rest and heal, take care of you.
Firechick, thanks. Yeah, it was a kick in the gut and it's one of those regrets that I didn't kick him back. But all I wanted to do was get away. Too much flight, not enough fight.

fernsy, she made no effort to be superior in behavior, she was borrowing superiority of birthright. Useless soothing noises to control a shark, hahaha. Who knows if she's capable of realizing I had the same feelings of hurt she had when mean things were said? Maybe she did and was too self-absorbed to care. Sometimes people who don't have empathy remind me of the cows we used to raise. I quit trying to understand and use my energy avoiding them.
Lordy, lordy, glad I wasn't there!
Good afternoon, Bleue,

My former husband told me that friendship is a two way street. He was so right. When a friend becomes a load...wish them well and say see 'ya. We have enough to deal with in obligatory relationships. Why choose trouble?

I no longer hang with people who do not improve my life. Have family obligations that must be met....I refuse to be with so called friends who do not listen, do not contribute and criticize. Agree with Libby about enablers. I am a listener. Like to hear all sides. Dislike racism. But understand that it stems from ignorance and fear. Hard to reason with bigots.

I have a 'friend' who gets vociferous when she is in her cups. She cannot discuss...she shuts down reason. In that she is a good woman who is always there when you need I have put up with her insults for years. Just once, I want to get the courage to tell her off. But I will wait until a time when she is sober enough understand that is making a fool out of herself and in the long run damaging our relationship. Whew!
I like the analogy in your comment about the cows you used to raise. I've been thinking the same thing lately. Maybe they can be herded, sent out to pasture etc., but learn to think? Not so much.
First, you are a great writer. You had me right there in the room and filled with your anger. About that event, many people have things, just simmering in the distant memory. People associated with that simmering and anger, well, they don't deserve the time of day. Who knows why the contact, and in the word of someone who knows, WHO cares? Not you. People like that don't really change. You are too good to get into that again, just my opinion...
"Lots of people have hard childhoods and adult lives...but they don't choose to be like that" and there you have it in a nutshell. Thank you!
Sounds like you should have left when the lush started drinking. You didn’t and you ended up having to drop the bitch. It happens all the time Bleue that’s why its better to get up and leave when you see some asshole drinking themselves into a problem. I don’t stay unless I’m getting paid because I know how its going to end.
Sarah, thank you. It felt good to defend myself and others.

Painting The Stars, I have responsibility too and was disgusted with myself the next day for staying when he let them in.

Ande, wise words. It really triggered childhood hurts and I can no longer tolerate toxic things in my life, de-toxing is too draining. I have to choose what is good for me as does everyone else. She wasn't someone who was there for anyone but herself unless she was trying to keep people in her life as they were moving on. She ran off her friends because she was mean. She was left with her poor husband, her father-in-law and one sweet gal who had some foolish sense of loyalty to someone who abused her. Beyond flattery, she wasn't wonderful sober and was mean when drunk.

alsoknownas, very insightful and I could do a hundred posts on my own observations. It seems they're able to be trained for complex tasks but understanding that others have the same needs or feelings is beyond their grasp. People who had good jobs often told me not to complain when I struggled, "just get a better job" (stupid advice) or money isn't everything but once the recession leveled them they would whine endlessly at how difficult it is for THEM to chose between food and gasoline, or how depressing it is for THEM to work while sick or injured and not be able to get treatment. What did they think it was like for others?

At the time she was crying on the floor because her feelings were hurt I was surprised that considering her behavior towards the pain of others she had that capacity for herself. I was not surprised when the research revealing that empathy may not be possible to teach people with lower intellect was published. It's heartbreaking to hear about the number of gifted children who are very sensitive fall into depression at an early age. Probably from being surrounded by bovines.

The term sheeple seems wrong as our own sheep were vigilant in the pasture, the term hu-cows is better as once they stampede you're likely to be trampled to death. Yell "yee-haw!" at right wing racists, run cows run! It's maddening.

Sheila, what's odd is that when I read through, it was all written in present tense and I had to edit all the verbs. It wasn't a real flashback but close enough to one. I was angry at first but now I realize I got to defend myself. Growth.

The memory turned out to be a gift. Now I get to set up a new filter on my email to send him directly to the trash.

ccdarling, yes, not everyone who's had it hard treats others like garbage. We all choose how to act.

Jack, I can't imagine the children of my friends of Mexican descent insulting a guest in their parents home. The little savage deserved to be tossed into the street but the best I could do fling her off me. Nasty business. To say I was livid is an understatement.

Time to get out of the house and step away from an ugly memory. Off to see a beautiful friend who needs comfort.
cosigning her behavior.. good choice of words there.... wow is all I have been thinking. :-O
Never argue with drunks, bigots or fools... sounds like that night you scored the trifecta... too bad you had no escape route. But you were right to call her out on her racist BS... that crap needs to be put to an end. Hope you got it (that particular night) out of your system. Keep posting!! This stuff is fantastic!
I read this earlier today. I am so glad you have the strength to extract yourself from these situations before serious damage is done to you.
What a great storyteller you are. I feel like I lived through the night right there with you. Although you did not need any help, I would have loved to get in her face. These kind of people are the idiots that watch FOX news and form their opinions based on what they hear. Then they get drunk and open their mouths. So sorry you had such a creep as a boyfriend, glad you gave him the boot. Sounds like he has a short memory.
rated with love
PeelingAnOrange, an old alanon phrase for when you sign the okay for their behavior. Yeah it was wow.

jmac, I'm sick of holding this stuff in. Why was I worried about the feelings of those who don't care about the feelings of others? It felt FABULOUS to vent! I couldn't believe she flung herself onto me... the trifecta of heathen behavior, hahahaha. There are more stories where this came from, eventually I'll need to vomit up more bile.

phyllis, as far as the damage, I gave as good as I got, she was bawling like a baby when I stormed out. I was used to bullies. She was used to being petted.

RomanticPoetess, you'd have loved ripping on her, most excellent fun. My eldest is a FOX news fan and she's becoming one of them. Though she's not a racist I'm not about to co-sign her bullshit either, I won't tolerate it. Bummer about having to break up with him (though I tried to hang on a bit), he was good at only one thing ;~0 but it wasn't worth it.
To be that small minded drunken hateful bigot, sure wouldn't want to live in that bag of skin. I had a mental picture of you ejecting her from your little brown body, too bad you didn't throw in a left hook for good measure, (or did you?) And yes, it would be funny if not for the seething hate and idiotic boyfriend. You are the one that dumped him, right?
asia, I doubt she was happy, people didn't like her. At that time I was peaceful, if it was now I probably would have nailed her. I guess I'm a bigot, I don't like savages.

The dumping could be a post in itself but no, he dumped me. By email, which is understandable considering the things I said to him :~O after an unrelated incident. A not very bright, good natured guy but cocky and very self absorbed, he was bound to piss me off.
Bleue,I admired your work...what an awful situation you lived...and a dangerous one..Anger and drinking and tense...not a safe way...
My thinking towards so "brave' thinkers (racists,and on) that can only insult and be mean..is a silent one and I remind myself not to bother..I am thinking.."Have you seen me angry.Do you know in which ρart I can reach.."

I am on and for dialoque myself..It would be stuρid for me to think that we can al agree..No,there are ορinions..Why ones,is better then another,and the other way round...It is not a comρetition but for such narrowminded ones...the only thing that matters is to insult,harm,make trouble..I know this...It is their character..Not even in for a conversation with them..

They can say that a donkey is flying and I could not care less.These ρeoρle are troubles..And you know the worst thing..They like being troubles..They have an obnoxious enjoyment when they hurt the other..A sadistic situation..So I ignore them..


Your words are my attitude and mentality exactly..and I am glad to know you : "Lots of people have hard childhoods and adult lives. Thank goodness they don't all choose to be like that or the world would be even more fucked up. I suppose people like that don't have to change, I'll have to hear those things as long as I live, and continue to get angry or make my escapes..."

Ι αm in the exodus escaρe..If I am going to get mad,angry,furious let it be for the someone I love,care,concern,feel,hear,resρect and not by some that means nothing to me or their words and actions led me to their disresρect...

I try to helρ myself from not being stuρid..Very difficult..But I like being cult,mojo,dada,romantic,smellygood,heartgood and have a creative mind oρen and caρable on acceρting and giving constructive criticism...when asked...and not a destructive one.

My saying..If you have nothing good to say...say nothing...

Excellent work..Rated with sorries for my long comment and Wishes for you to have all you wish.Best regards...and have a beautiful new month.