If I want to get to heaven

I have to walk away from hell
MARCH 22, 2012 1:23AM

Feet (unsightly), sapiosexuals and 2 jokes

Rate: 17 Flag

This post is about removing calluses and unsightly dead skin from my feet because Linda Seccaspina and fernsy want to read about it. I’m not sure I understand but, okay. I was told by someone very nice the beginning of a piece should tell you where it’s going and other stuff but I forgot what I was told. I’d also like to state foot care has to do with me being a sapiosexual. Joan H can confirm that's not a foot fetish. Now that’s out of the way I shall begin.

 

First my father’s favorite joke:

 

A new customer steps up to the teller in the bank and says “I want to open a goddamned account in this bank.

 

The teller answers, “Sir, I’d be happy to help you but you can’t use that language in here.”

 

Even louder, the man says “I want to open a goddamned account in this bank.

 

Again the teller answers, “Sir, I’d be happy to help you but you can’t use that language in here.”

 

The man shouts “I want to open a goddamned account in this bank!”

 

The teller says “One minute please” and goes to get the manager and tells him what’s happening.

 

The manager steps up and says “Sir, I’m the manager here and we don’t allow foul language. What seems to be the problem?”

 

The customer says “I just won 50 million dollars in the lottery and I want to open an account in this goddamned bank.”

 

The manager looks at the teller and then back at the customer and says “Is this bitch giving you any problems?”

 

My father learned quickly the principles of American business. I can still see him roaring with laughter as he told the joke. I worked for Wells Fargo some years back, I didn’t find it funny.

 

Now my mother’s favorite (only) joke:

 

Regan, Carter and Clinton are having a nice dinner on the Titanic. Suddenly the alarm goes out that the ship is sinking and they race to the top deck. Carter rushes to the lifeboats and shouts to the others “Hurry, we must save the women and children!” Regan shouts “Fuck the women and children!” Clinton says “Is there time?”

 

My mom learned quickly the principles of American politics. She’s pretty reserved and it’s the only joke I ever heard my mom tell and… she giggled. I’m pretty sure it was because she got to say the word fuck, which caused me to roar with laughter like my father!

 

Okay, both jokes weren't funny but I know y’all laughed. I’ve been extremely depressed and withdrawing so I needed to laugh.

 

From a facebook post (and the urban dictionary ‘cause of course I googled it):

Sapiosexual (n) – a person who is sexually attracted to intelligence in others.

 

It’s not my fault that I’m sexually attracted to intelligent people. It’s only a matter of time before it’s discovered this is an actual disorder or something valid. Please wait while I grab a cocktail (even though I'm not on a date).

 

Okay now I can weave in why I remove dead skin from my feet and, as a bonus without purchase, my relationship difficulties.

 

As I said to Joan H on facebook when she read the definition of sapiosexual and said she was never attracted to dumbasses, "Yeah."

 

Bummer when you go out with some hottie you scoped in online dating and he opens his dumbass mouth and starts yapping. It’s like you just want to say “shut up and chew, you’re totally ruining it for me you moron.” He looks great but he starts blathering about poor people taking all the money (I live in a red state) and I might ask something logical like “What did the poor do with all the money?” Of course this question confuses dumbasses and they begin chattering like monkeys about where the poor have spent trillions.

 

Monkey chatter, hot or not? You decide.

 

Soon enough I’ll be thinking I could be sitting on the counter in my bathroom with a bottle of Pretty Feet contentedly using acid to rub away the unsightly dry skin on my heels leaving them soft and lovely. Instead I’m trapped, wishing the ding dong would shut up so I could peacefully pick the arugula out of my salad and wallow in self pity at my sad fate.

 

Tragically, this is how most of my relationships have ended. Every time monkey chatter starts I begin looking at my feet and thinking about how rough and unsightly they’ve become while I waste precious time listening to some doofus who can’t think for himself or solve complex problems, like when to STFU. Yes, I need thoughts I can sink my teeth into, try as I might I just can’t get it up without it.

 

If you’re annoyed having wasted your time reading 800+ words-o-crap I understand. Believe me, I tried online dating for 5 years and went through as many boyfriends. It’s been a long decade, I truly understand. And maybe you're a sapiosexual too.

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Oh you know I am one of those!! We used to use those ped eggs. Scrape Scrape. Peter used to super glue the cracks in his callouses on his heels together. The pedegg helped and I haven't had any problems since. Wearing socks helps. sigh. I have fungus on the toes of my left foot. I have transfered it to all my lovers who manage to stay longer than a few years. ha. Love ya, Bleue!!
Ya reckon sapiosexuals and podophiliacs are compatible?
zanelle, of course and the always friendly foot file. Super glue?

Larry, not in my case. Dead skin doesn't grip my attention when presented with a fascinating man. Podophiliacs sounds like people who want to have sex in alien pods.

Ahhh, this is cheering me up.
[r] oh, bleue, you so rock. i needed a giggle and you kept them coming on what may be the most bizarrely eclectic at the same FLUID (how do you do that?) blogs I have read in a long time. I had heard the dad joke before, but the mom joke was new to me and cracked me up so. I think I considered myself the essence of a sapiosexual, never ever having heard that label, but for years I thought I was sexually attracted to guys who terrorized me, so I have trouble sorting out reality on what is real sexual attraction and what is fear. The adrenalin high confuses me. Talk about a time and emotional investment waster, eh?

Hang in there, kiddo!

Gonna go put lotion on my feet, now.

best, libby :)
It's natural, when gifted with innately sexy feet, to be a sapiosexual. I don't think the New England Journal of Medicine has addressed the topic yet, but it's only a matter of time. That said, I didn't get the jokes, which means I'm prolly not sapiosexual materal. :(
The jokes alone are worth an R. And little did I know that I've been a lifelong heterosapien, a lover of smart women.
Libby, there are times when you must laugh or suck the gun. We needed to laugh and have no direct paths. I can't believe my mama said fuck, hahahahahahaha!

From the urban dictionary:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sapiosexual

"One who finds intelligence the most sexually attractive feature.
"I want an incisive, inquisitive, insightful, irreverent mind. I want someone for whom philosophical discussion is foreplay. I want someone who sometimes makes me go ouch due to their wit and evil sense of humor. I want someone that I can reach out and touch randomly. I want someone I can cuddle with.
I decided all that means that I am sapiosexual.""
nana, with you my feet would become most unsightly, I shudder to think of the calluses I could have.

Didn't get the jokes? Wait is that a rough spot on my heel.


Daniel, the jokes are funny in that sick sad way when you see the truth. Smart is hot, it's amazing there's not more boffing between OS'ers, this place is filled with hotties for sapiosexuals.
OMG those jokes do make you smile even though I have heard better. I guess I am a sapiosexual too. This post is fun.
.........(¯`v´¯) (¯`v´¯)
☼•*¨`*•.¸.(ˆ◡ˆ).¸.•*
............... *•.¸.•* ♥⋆★•❥ Thanx & Smiles (ツ) & ♥ L☼√Ξ ☼ ♥
⋆───★•❥ ☼ .¸¸.•*`*•.♥ (ˆ◡ˆ) ♥⋯ ❤ ⋯ ★(ˆ◡ˆ) ♥⋯ ❤ ⋯ ★
Online dating is a bit like a buffet diner. You stand in line patiently awaiting your turn, pick from the fresher pans and avoiding the ones with skin growing over them. Weave your way back to your booth with its sticky formica table only to discover your selections have no flavor. And you shaved your legs for this?? ugh!
I do not, even a bit, feel as though I have wasted my time reading these words.
It is true. I have never been attracted to dumbasses or men with unsightly feet. :) Thanks for the shout out. (I think.) ~r
This great post reminded me . . .

`
a editor goes to a Salon . . .
he ask for a podiatrist
and she scream out loud
`
"You feet look like a peacocks!"

She refused to clip his toes, nasal hair,
wax-off his chest hair, or get too close.
Kerry wailed and wanted a bare hug.
The Salon staff called 9-11 for him.

a editor sips gin
7-up - ask a 9-11
operator for kiss
`
Needed an 'upper' today.Enjoyed this. My toes need help. I'm on the way to the do it yourself pedicure kit. :) FUN.
I was once married to a smart ass Republican from Nebraska, it lasted less than 18 months. My second wife had a personal library of over 1000 books, we never fell in love and it took us six years to decide to marry. After five years we separated, that was 22 years ago. We still haven't managed to get divorced... what kind of disorder would that be called? All I do with my feet is trim my toe nails, and if I bothered to talk to a therapist I'd be diagnosed as clinically depressed... but I laughed at your parents' favorite jokes.
nothing's more sexy than smart!
Actually, I liked the jokes...didn't really need to hear so much about your feet, but enjoyed the piece anyway!
I have learned a new word today, Sapiosesexual. I think my husband is the most intelligent person I know, so I must fit in this category. I'm a new convert though as before my husband I would find myself in relationships with idiots....poo throwing chattering monkeys...the worst kind.

I live in Florida. I constantly hear rumors of the poor taking all the money as well. I have been poor recently and I bought noodles and cheap boxed wine with all that money, just so you can let them know.

And I love Pretty Feet...that stuff is crazy!
I love the jokes and having worked for a bank for 15 years I completely agree with that one.
I think I have the same affliction except for the feel part. I kept thinking I could be home reading OS posts. But, my feet really need some work, I'll have to check out the pretty feet thing.
I get a pedicure every so often and they dip my feet in paraffin which makes my heels feel soft and lovely for a few days.
I need one now so that I can rub my heels against my super intelligent, love bug friend, lover, muse and future husband who I met through Senior People Meet.
I gave up on Match.com after the 10th one who had never heard of a muse.
rated with love
As a homo sapiens sapiens we're natural sapiosexuals. The less neanderthal the better.

I told the teller joke to some friends, but I changed the gender of the teller and had the manager call him a motherfucker rather than a bitch. I suppose asshole would do, but I think the more profanity on the part of the manager the funnier it gets. It got a lot of laughs that way. The subtle misogyny and sexism isn't a necessary element of the joke's humor, and it in fact spoils the joke entirely if you are sensitive to sexism.
I tried to comment three times and it kept rejecting me..:( will post it on FB.
My first thought on reading "Sapiosexual" was that it has something to do with oil, which reminded me of my very first girlfriend. She taunted me with tales of escapades at "Wesson Oil parties." But she never invited me.

Here at OS, I assume most of us are sapiosexuals. I really feel for your predicament. Any possibility you could mover to a blue state? Better odds of intelligent life here. But then, you're smart enough to have already figured that out.

I was afraid you'd be getting into a blow-by-blow of the the foot therapies. Instead it was a warm breeze of a read. Made my mood better.
Algis, it seemed like a good time to smile, glad you did.

asia, hahahaha, you aren't kidding! I eliminated ones who wanted "gals who hunt and fish" by saying I wanted guys who crocheted and sewed. You'll have to go to monster truck rallies every weekend once you're involved. Let them date their buddies.

DH Austin, sometimes fluff hits the spot.

Joan, shame on me for name dropping 3 lovely ladies while blathering.

Art, with my imagination that created quite the mental picture of a crying sasquatch drinking a martini. You made me giggle.
Ande, I should do one myself, it perks me up but not as much as bad jokes.

jmac, 22 years? I'd call it highly indifferent to minutia and definitely a disorder. Had a lot of meds that never helped from many MD's. The therapist was the first person that did help but it's a pain in the ass elimitating unhealthy people and changing my behavior. Jokes are a good laughter pill, not enough funny shows on TV.

Julie, and I live in an area conductive to celibacy.

Frank, Jeff J has a great idea for improving the first one. Sorry I wrote about feet, I felt the need to honor important requests.

Luninous Muse, for me OS is like water in the desert. I miss California so much, the posts you and nana put up took me back to gentler times. It was good to write a lighthearted post without gruesome details of foot care.
Patience, the brain is a fabulous toy, even more entertaining than hands. My little granddaughter is currently fascinated by picking things up, dropping them and throwing. So cute (but annoying) as she learns how fun it is to play and think.

But... I'm horrified to hear you wasted precious money on noodles and boxed wine? I'm shocked and mortified at your wasteful behavior. No doubt you're cruising around in a new Cadillac and keeping your millions in a Swiss Account!

Poetess, Pretty Feet is for the entire foot also hands, elbows and knees, you just rub it on and dead skin sloughs off. Icky but easy. The bank joke was sadly accurate, all we can do is laugh at the truth.

Jeff J. well then there are some unnatural humans out there. Hee hee. Love the idea of changing the gender of the teller, the point would be much easier to see.

Linda, hahahaha! An unsightly title on fb? You are a true treasure!
Love the eclectic mix of subject-matter. It gives your voice authority and was fun to read!
Don't underestimate monkey chatter.
Sapiosexual? Who knew.

Saw you in a the feed and thought, " Let's make sure I didn't miss a Doris post." And there is this wonderfulness. I did indeed want to know about your gnarly feet! Please, pm me next time. Fine jokes, fine feet info, and fine discussion of dumbasses and the ladies who don't love them.
I'll read 800 words any day, if it means I get to learn a neat new word like sapiosexual.
Ooh, I'm behind again. Sigh

Frank, just practicing the authority voice should I need to have a good rant. Glad you enjoyed it.

MeatMonkey, I've been married a lot so I'm immune.

fernsy, if only I'd spent more time on my useful tootsies and less listening to useless blather. Me? PM people, it's all I can do to focus on writing.

Karen, I love the urban dictionary it makes me feel almost hip.