If I want to get to heaven

I have to walk away from hell
MARCH 9, 2012 3:11PM

That I Would Be Good

Rate: 36 Flag
What I always wanted to know when growing up and growing older. 
That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt

That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth

That I would be great if I was no longer queen

That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself

That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed

That I would be loved even when I was fuming

That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity

That I would be good whether with or without you


Often I know exactly what I want to say, and simply can't get the words to come out right. Thank goodness for those like Alanis Morissette, who can.

Thank you to nanatehay for hearing what I couldn't figure out how to say, and for sharing this beautiful song with me.

I waited a lifetime to hear my father say any of those things. Now I'll never hear them so I have to say them to myself, and believe them when others say them to me. There has been some off and on crying because it would have been really nice to hear him say I was good. I'm sorrowful that he simply didn't have it in him. He wasn't someone who could be leaned on or turned to, it can be crippling having a parent who isn't strong.

Thank you to everyone who left caring words on my recent posts, and to all  who sent PM's sending love and strength. I am walking on borrowed strength and appreciate it more than I can say. I guess this is what it feels like to have family that thinks you're good. It's wonderful to be loved even when I am overwhelmed, sick, crazy, needy, angry, old, unemployed, uneducated, scared, and useless. It's wonderful to be valued anyway.

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This is a thumbs up, not a thumbs down.
"It's wonderful to be loved even when I am overwhelmed, sick, crazy, needy, angry, old, unemployed, uneducated, scared, and useless. It's wonderful to be valued anyway."

~nodding~ I know that feeling all too well!! But guess what, YOU AIN'T USELESS, YOU USEFUL!! ~nodding~ Educated too!!!

I know that feeling of finding your worth and then realizing it was missing...
Perfect song to say what you needed to say.
I think we are never as bad as we think we are.
and quite often far better.

my father never told me anything good. he was a hatefilled, hateful, spiteful man. as a father he was worse.

he may have been better than that. people loved him, not many, but those that did, did.

there is a place for us here, somewhere. a place where we're good. enough. better than that.
you'll find it. maybe you already have.
alsoknownas, it took me a long time to realize people don't love you, or treat you well, because of who you are, but because of who they are. Thank you for the thumbs up.

Tink, no, but you'd hug me even if I was useless. Thanks for caring.

LunchLady, I've been playing this and reassuring myself but I wasn't going to post this until I saw your post. If you started fuming or lose your sanity, you'd be good.

Foolish Monkey, my father was good to others, not to me, and then he died. Before he died I started to feel I was good even without him, he was just wrong in what he said to me. I stopped believing him when I heard it here on OS. Now I hear it inside me.
[r] you are demonstrating unconditional self-acceptance and we, your friends here, are demonstrating unconditional acceptance of you as you demonstrate it so often back to us.

we all need to cultivate that and let our inner children stop getting harassed by our own perfectionism and anxiety!!!! i read in a self-help book once that so many of us treat ourselves like a roommate we don't like. we insult ourselves and demand from ourselves what we never in a million years would demand from others.

i so appreciate both you and alanis!!! :) best, libby
You are none of these.. but if you insist you and I can be in the same group of overwhelmed, sick, crazy, needy, angry, old, unemployed, uneducated, scared, and useless and lead the pack..:)
But you are not..
How can these fathers do this to their children, beat them down? I will never in all my days understand it or want to! it enrages me, to be honest. When I see children being hurt and used by their trusted parents to act out some long ago meancrazy drama for no damned good reason it breaks my heart. then I'd like to pummel them!

I glad for you that you found comfort here among friends.

This is a good place, our OS.

It builds strong bodies, twelve ways! ;D
It's good that you hear it inside yourself and that you have someone like Cupcake to trust in. My voices are still arguing with each other whenever the cat's not yelling at me to feed her greed. My current counselor has me discussing my definition of success and updating it. It's a good exercise.

Take care.
Libby, it took me a long time to stop listening to people who were not capable of being kind or beneficial. It took me even longer to stop believing hateful things I was told and repeating their distortions to myself.

Maybe my father was inadequate and that was truly the best he could do, but that's not true of me. I don't have to treat me the way he did, I can say better things to me. I really appreciate you.

Linda, nah though from time to time we are all one of those things. He was just wrong but was never strong enough to admit it. He finally apologized before he died but that's another post. I'm a lot like you and I consider that a blessing.

Foolish Monkey, there are a lot of selfish parents, lazy parents, and mean parents with words like fists. It would be beneficial if we could pummel parents still acting out meancrazy drama instead of patching up all the damaged children all the time.

Fortunately I moved as far away from him as I could and focused on not being anything like him. I learned to be his opposite and that was the gift.

Phyllis, I'm glad the voices in your head are arguing, it means the mean ones don't have free rein. I know some of mine are ignorant and some are liars. What I had to do was find people I admire and respect and start measuring the voices in my head to theirs. Now if my self talk says something destructive to me I can correct it.

John, that's really nice to hear. Thank you for a lovely comment.
Crushing and wounding, a parent who never takes the mask of parenting off and comes clean with the grown up no longer child.
"Tink, no, but you'd hug me even if I was useless. Thanks for caring."

Well yeah, go for a grope too!! ;)

Ya welcome!!!
Inverted Interrobang, that's one of the most profound things I've ever read about the parent of an adult child. Sadly, my father was often much like a self centered child. I had more concern for him than he did for me.

Strangely I miss him, he was good to me when I was very small and I loved him. On the upside, I don't have to feel guilty. All I have to do is heal.

Tink, Woo hoo, Grope Therapy on OS, bring wifey. Make it an open call, how OS Virtual Grope Therapy can cure all ills! (think it's legal?)
Whether or not we're loved, both because of and in spite of who we are - it's easy to take that as a measure of our own worth, when it's more accurately a measure of the people around us. You're loved by many, Bleue.
Those first weeks after a parent dies is such a roller coaster, especially if it's complicated by not enough love or not enough acceptance...good you're getting it out now, getting to the core, so your grieving process doesn't turn into years...
Not useless at all, Beloved Child : )
i hate advice and rarely give or heed it. :)

but if i DID....

i would say be as kind and gentle with yourself as you are with others.
Who cares if it's legal!! Whooo!! ;)

(And wifey could use some too!!! EVERYBODY CAN USE GROPE THERAPY!! ;D)
When I was growing up, I thought all little girls were loved and treasured by their fathers and grandfathers. I had no idea. My arms ache to hold you and tell you over and over that you ARE good, no matter what. And you are so right to say it was never about you. It was about what was wrong with him.

nanatehay, it's always a measure of them more than us but it's still wonderful to be treated with caring and respect. You're loved by many too, there are just a lot of people like that here. It feels real nice.

Just Thinking, Some days it feels like the path is solid, others it's like dancing on a razor blade. I miss living in pretense that everything is fine, but I suspect that door is forever closed.

BTW, you've been on my mind today, hope things are going well. We just have to keep praying, we simply must.

Lorianne, I'm not good at that with me yet, so thank you, it was exactly the right thing to say.

Tink, we could open a Grope Therapy Spa. We'll be rich, rich, rich!!! (and satisfied!)
Love that song! Great post.
Lezlie, I'm finally learning it and I still have time to know I am good, to hold and treasure myself. And now my mom started telling me and it's beautiful to hear. It makes me really happy whenever I see your av and remember that you help other kids around you know they're good even though your son is grown. And thank you for the virtual hug, I'm also learning to like hugs. We can blame Linda S!
Ha! Grope therapy!
Around here the hippies call it "polyamory" ...
...or as we sang about it ages ago-- Love the one you're with!
(or just call it orgies, depending)...
Gurl you may not feel like it right now, but you are a treasure... keep posting and commenting and let us watch you come out on the other side of this. Remember we're all Bozo's on this crazy clown bus and at times we all feel, "overwhelmed, sick, crazy, needy, angry, old, unemployed, uneducated, scared, and useless."
You're good. Take care of yourself now.
I've always sensed a real "goodness" about you. And, that is the highest compliment I can pay. It's not that usual , and it's something that makes me a Doris fan for life.

Great comment by Jmac too.
And then there are the times---lots of them---like now. When you get the words to come out EXACTLY right. Perfectly.
You know what? I like you, and who you are is good. I think that people worry too much about acceptance when the only acceptance that really matters is self acceptance. We look around for some approval, some important nod, but if we look in the mirror and smile at ourselves, that is really who is worth trusting. I am sorry that your dad could not be who you needed him to be. Maybe he could not see himself as someone who could make a difference. I don't know, but I do know that you are an incredible spark of life, and it is important that that light you throw off continues to shine brightly, and you do that with your kindness, goodness and your smile.
You know l'Heure, they seem like such obvious sentiments except they're much less shared than they ought to be. Very pleased to see they're now resonating with you. Better late than never I hope.
You always hit a nerve. I go to breakfast with my mom tomorrow. I am gearing up for it already. It has been such a long long journey and my self esteem is low. I treasure your help with this. You rock!
Tai, sorry I didn't see you there. Thank you!

Just Thinking, I'm more than a little jealous that I'm too jealous for polyamory! If only we could all be with the one we love, in the meantime... Grope Therapy on OS. You heard it here first!

jmac, thank you! For a while I was Pandora's box suddenly opened, haha. Yes, it's really only a big circus but it feels very real. I no longer wish to play the fools game.

Miguela, I will, thank you.

fernsy, you treat people really well too and I love that about you. I'm not more of a good person than anyone else, we're all the same inside I think. I just try to have good behavior, maybe it's just too hard for some people. Sometimes I think it would be so easy and fun to not think about what I'm doing. Sometimes I'm really jealous of my cat.

Chicago Guy, thanks. I've really been struggling to write it out. I really miss pretending but there have started to be explosions after I pretend things that hurt are alright.
May you get everything you ever hoped or dreamed of,,, ☼(ˆ◡ˆ) ⋱ ⋮ ⋰
(ˆ◡ˆ) ♥⋯ ❤ ⋯ ★
☼(ˆ◡ˆ) ⋰ ⋮ ⋱(¯`•´¯)¸.(¯`•´¯).¸.(¯`•´¯)¸. ☼
(¯`•´¯)¸.(¯`•´¯).¸.(¯`•´¯)¸.(¯­`•´¯)¸.(¯`•´¯) ¸.(¯`•´¯).¸.(¯`•´¯)¸.Ŀ☼√Ξ ❤.
•¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨` *•.•¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*­­´¨` *• Hugs ☼
Sheila, thank you so much. In many ways my dad was selfish, making a difference in anyone's life but his own was not a priority for him.

Abrawang, yes, much better than never. Well, I'm going to share those sentiments and start with me.

Kate, I love you! God that feels good.

zanelle, oy! If you need to, you can shut down your feelings, go numb and I love you. You are great, grand, fine and good, and we all know it.

Algis, you made sun shine and smiles on me and poured hearts all over my sadness! Next I'm going to learn to have dreams.
And I so love you!

Big smile!!!!
of course you are good, Bleue. We've got lots of feel good posters in the break room that mostly make me want to tear my hair out, but there is one (other than the serenity prayer) that I like. here, still kind of cheesy, but I love it everyone's got gifts, just a matter of finding, and valuing them
It can be the biggest challenge to love those people who made you. That doesn't change once they've passed away. I'd give just about anything to hear my momma criticize me one more time. When you manage to forgive them, even if you just keep trying to forgive them, I think maybe that makes you good.
Kate, it would be nice to turn to drugs, or maybe get drunk all the time but sometimes it feels good not to be numb. This is one of those times. I love you.

Julie, thank you. The link you put up was perfect. Like everyone else I have plenty of gifts, I just had to start finding people that valued me. I just had that one thing backwards.

greenheron, some people get away with bad behavior for so long they become impossible to put up with. I forgave him before he died. Now I have to forgive me for allowing it and believing him.
You always have a shoulder here. You are loved by many people, and I am one of them. That is a beautiful song, thank you for posting it!
This family thinks you are very good.
To me, you are a radiant mirror of love.
The words you share with us are valuable gifts of the love that you are.
rated with love
scanner, you've given me that shoulder many times even without me asking. Thank you for being there.

Gary, I like to help the more unaware professionals gain understanding by helping them have "experiential learning." I give them my honest opinion of their inept bullshit and pop psychology spewage and then watch them try to feel good being told how utterly useless they are to a person seeking treatment. It's amusing and gratifying to watch them experience a tiny taste of it. I was fortunate to find one who had a lot of understanding and was able to really help my mom and I both change. Today I have a real relationship with my mom.

I'm sorrowful at reading just those brief lines because I understand. Even if the lack was in him, it was a great loss to you. I'm sorry for your lifelong loss.

Poetess, I'm very grateful to have this other family that loves me so well. I'm not foolish enough to think I healed alone. I thought I could live without love. I was wrong, and I'm glad. Thank you.
"I am walking on borrowed strength." What a great line. Beautiful post. I'm so glad to read you're feeling loved.
I like your new photo a lot!
Maureen, It feels wonderful to be lifted up and held instead of used or torn down. A long time ago I experienced the same thing for a decade. There were loving people who saw the best in me, and treated me like I was good. When I experienced the strength of love, everything changed.

The greatest power is in Love.
Phyllis, nana took that photo when I was taking him up to Lake Cascade. Road warrior! She who cannot see well yet... still drives... woo hoo!
my Goodness, which i know, is the only reason to get up
in the morning. More good to do in this awful world.
To be Good self consciously is easy.
Turn on cnn or the local news and see what YOU ARE NOT>
and this will define the nebulous ball of hurt
that is YOU. Good.

Borrowed ? No, earned. Grace is earned.

Not just God's or Goddess's..but human grace...
James, I have been a bit weepy lately but so much kindness helps. What a truly lovely comment, thank you.
Much love, dear Bleue. What wisdom ... and wanting ... in these words. May all the love there is ... find ... and hold you, you ... who are ... so good ...