That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing
That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy
That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good whether with or without you
Often I know exactly what I want to say, and simply can't get the words to come out right. Thank goodness for those like Alanis Morissette, who can.
Thank you to nanatehay for hearing what I couldn't figure out how to say, and for sharing this beautiful song with me.
I waited a lifetime to hear my father say any of those things. Now I'll never hear them so I have to say them to myself, and believe them when others say them to me. There has been some off and on crying because it would have been really nice to hear him say I was good. I'm sorrowful that he simply didn't have it in him. He wasn't someone who could be leaned on or turned to, it can be crippling having a parent who isn't strong.
Thank you to everyone who left caring words on my recent posts, and to all who sent PM's sending love and strength. I am walking on borrowed strength and appreciate it more than I can say. I guess this is what it feels like to have family that thinks you're good. It's wonderful to be loved even when I am overwhelmed, sick, crazy, needy, angry, old, unemployed, uneducated, scared, and useless. It's wonderful to be valued anyway.
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Global Rev
Robert Fuller
IceRune
Steven Bridenbaugh
theig86
Kim Gamble
Salon.com
Comments
~nodding~ I know that feeling all too well!! But guess what, YOU AIN'T USELESS, YOU USEFUL!! ~nodding~ Educated too!!!
~hug~
Perfect song to say what you needed to say.
and quite often far better.
my father never told me anything good. he was a hatefilled, hateful, spiteful man. as a father he was worse.
he may have been better than that. people loved him, not many, but those that did, did.
there is a place for us here, somewhere. a place where we're good. enough. better than that.
you'll find it. maybe you already have.
Tink, no, but you'd hug me even if I was useless. Thanks for caring.
LunchLady, I've been playing this and reassuring myself but I wasn't going to post this until I saw your post. If you started fuming or lose your sanity, you'd be good.
Foolish Monkey, my father was good to others, not to me, and then he died. Before he died I started to feel I was good even without him, he was just wrong in what he said to me. I stopped believing him when I heard it here on OS. Now I hear it inside me.
we all need to cultivate that and let our inner children stop getting harassed by our own perfectionism and anxiety!!!! i read in a self-help book once that so many of us treat ourselves like a roommate we don't like. we insult ourselves and demand from ourselves what we never in a million years would demand from others.
i so appreciate both you and alanis!!! :) best, libby
But you are not..
HUGGGGGGGGGGG
I glad for you that you found comfort here among friends.
This is a good place, our OS.
It builds strong bodies, twelve ways! ;D
Take care.
Maybe my father was inadequate and that was truly the best he could do, but that's not true of me. I don't have to treat me the way he did, I can say better things to me. I really appreciate you.
Linda, nah though from time to time we are all one of those things. He was just wrong but was never strong enough to admit it. He finally apologized before he died but that's another post. I'm a lot like you and I consider that a blessing.
Foolish Monkey, there are a lot of selfish parents, lazy parents, and mean parents with words like fists. It would be beneficial if we could pummel parents still acting out meancrazy drama instead of patching up all the damaged children all the time.
Fortunately I moved as far away from him as I could and focused on not being anything like him. I learned to be his opposite and that was the gift.
Phyllis, I'm glad the voices in your head are arguing, it means the mean ones don't have free rein. I know some of mine are ignorant and some are liars. What I had to do was find people I admire and respect and start measuring the voices in my head to theirs. Now if my self talk says something destructive to me I can correct it.
John, that's really nice to hear. Thank you for a lovely comment.
Well yeah, go for a grope too!! ;)
Ya welcome!!!
Strangely I miss him, he was good to me when I was very small and I loved him. On the upside, I don't have to feel guilty. All I have to do is heal.
Tink, Woo hoo, Grope Therapy on OS, bring wifey. Make it an open call, how OS Virtual Grope Therapy can cure all ills! (think it's legal?)
Not useless at all, Beloved Child : )
but if i DID....
i would say be as kind and gentle with yourself as you are with others.
(And wifey could use some too!!! EVERYBODY CAN USE GROPE THERAPY!! ;D)
Lezlie
Just Thinking, Some days it feels like the path is solid, others it's like dancing on a razor blade. I miss living in pretense that everything is fine, but I suspect that door is forever closed.
BTW, you've been on my mind today, hope things are going well. We just have to keep praying, we simply must.
Lorianne, I'm not good at that with me yet, so thank you, it was exactly the right thing to say.
Tink, we could open a Grope Therapy Spa. We'll be rich, rich, rich!!! (and satisfied!)
Around here the hippies call it "polyamory" ...
...or as we sang about it ages ago-- Love the one you're with!
(or just call it orgies, depending)...
JMac
Great comment by Jmac too.
Just Thinking, I'm more than a little jealous that I'm too jealous for polyamory! If only we could all be with the one we love, in the meantime... Grope Therapy on OS. You heard it here first!
jmac, thank you! For a while I was Pandora's box suddenly opened, haha. Yes, it's really only a big circus but it feels very real. I no longer wish to play the fools game.
Miguela, I will, thank you.
fernsy, you treat people really well too and I love that about you. I'm not more of a good person than anyone else, we're all the same inside I think. I just try to have good behavior, maybe it's just too hard for some people. Sometimes I think it would be so easy and fun to not think about what I'm doing. Sometimes I'm really jealous of my cat.
Chicago Guy, thanks. I've really been struggling to write it out. I really miss pretending but there have started to be explosions after I pretend things that hurt are alright.
(ˆ◡ˆ) ♥⋯ ❤ ⋯ ★
☼(ˆ◡ˆ) ⋰ ⋮ ⋱(¯`•´¯)¸.(¯`•´¯).¸.(¯`•´¯)¸. ☼
(¯`•´¯)¸.(¯`•´¯).¸.(¯`•´¯)¸.(¯`•´¯)¸.(¯`•´¯) ¸.(¯`•´¯).¸.(¯`•´¯)¸.Ŀ☼√Ξ ❤.
•¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨` *•.•¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨` *• Hugs ☼
Abrawang, yes, much better than never. Well, I'm going to share those sentiments and start with me.
Kate, I love you! God that feels good.
zanelle, oy! If you need to, you can shut down your feelings, go numb and I love you. You are great, grand, fine and good, and we all know it.
Algis, you made sun shine and smiles on me and poured hearts all over my sadness! Next I'm going to learn to have dreams.
Big smile!!!!
Julie, thank you. The link you put up was perfect. Like everyone else I have plenty of gifts, I just had to start finding people that valued me. I just had that one thing backwards.
greenheron, some people get away with bad behavior for so long they become impossible to put up with. I forgave him before he died. Now I have to forgive me for allowing it and believing him.
My father died 11 years ago and I still wonder if he ever liked me. It's not so much that it hurts, as there is something missing that should be here, even though he's gone.
To me, you are a radiant mirror of love.
The words you share with us are valuable gifts of the love that you are.
rated with love
Gary, I like to help the more unaware professionals gain understanding by helping them have "experiential learning." I give them my honest opinion of their inept bullshit and pop psychology spewage and then watch them try to feel good being told how utterly useless they are to a person seeking treatment. It's amusing and gratifying to watch them experience a tiny taste of it. I was fortunate to find one who had a lot of understanding and was able to really help my mom and I both change. Today I have a real relationship with my mom.
I'm sorrowful at reading just those brief lines because I understand. Even if the lack was in him, it was a great loss to you. I'm sorry for your lifelong loss.
Poetess, I'm very grateful to have this other family that loves me so well. I'm not foolish enough to think I healed alone. I thought I could live without love. I was wrong, and I'm glad. Thank you.
The greatest power is in Love.
in the morning. More good to do in this awful world.
To be Good self consciously is easy.
Turn on cnn or the local news and see what YOU ARE NOT>
and this will define the nebulous ball of hurt
that is YOU. Good.
Borrowed ? No, earned. Grace is earned.
Not just God's or Goddess's..but human grace...