My dad died last Saturday the 18th. He died peacefully and I'm glad for that, prayed with all my heart for it to be painless and am glad it went that way. I keep thinking I should say something to those here who don't know yet, but what should I say? Should I just say I'm okay? I'm okay.
Shouldn't I feel really sad and a huge loss? It was only 9 days ago that I was with him in my parents house, now he's gone. This is not how I felt when The Cowboy left, I missed how he made me feel from the day he left. I mourned loosing him for years. Did I finish mourning the loss of my dad years before he died? Maybe it will hit me some other day or week. My father is gone and I want to miss him too.
I'm glad he was good to my kids and I hurt for them, my youngest is devastated and it hurts to see her suffering. I can understand the sense of loss that my cousins and some of his siblings feel. I forgot he was good to a lot of people but now I'm reminded. Out of sight, out of mind.
It's all very strange and now I'm getting condolence calls. I keep forgetting not to sound cheerful when I answer the phone. I just did it again and the kind caller was taken aback, I was just thrilled to hear his voice and was already in a happy mood.
I forget I'm supposed to sound like I'm suffering. But I don't feel like I'm suffering. I feel free from pain. And, for 8 days I've been free from fear and anxiety.
There were two beautiful things that happened in the last week or so before he died. I'm still aborbing it all. Maybe I'll write about it and maybe I won't. I wish I missed my father, it all feels surreal, like I'm suddenly living in an impressionist painting. Maybe I'll flip out, fall apart later, or something.
I'm sorrowful that my girls are hurting. I'm glad my father died peacefully and mercifully not in pain. Maybe I'll think of the right thing to say later on, for now, this is all I've got.