If I want to get to heaven

I have to walk away from hell
FEBRUARY 26, 2012 7:12PM

Now what do I say?

Rate: 35 Flag


My dad died last Saturday the 18th. He died peacefully and I'm glad for that, prayed with all my heart for it to be painless and am glad it went that way. I keep thinking I should say something to those here who don't know yet,  but what should I say? Should I just say I'm okay? I'm okay.


Shouldn't I feel really sad and a huge loss? It was only 9 days ago that I was with him in my parents house, now he's gone. This is not how I felt when The Cowboy left, I missed how he made me feel from the day he left.  I mourned loosing him for years. Did I finish mourning the loss of my dad years before he died? Maybe it will hit me some other day or week. My father is gone and I want to miss him too.


I'm glad he was good to my kids and I hurt for them, my youngest is devastated and it hurts to see her suffering. I can understand the sense of loss that my cousins and some of his siblings feel. I forgot he was good to a lot of people but now I'm reminded. Out of sight, out of mind.


It's all very strange and now I'm getting condolence calls. I keep forgetting not to sound cheerful when I answer the phone. I just did it again and the kind caller was taken aback, I was just thrilled to hear his voice and was already in a happy mood.


I forget I'm supposed to sound like I'm suffering. But I don't feel like I'm suffering. I feel free from pain. And, for 8 days I've been free from fear and anxiety.


There were two beautiful things that happened in the last week or so before he died. I'm still aborbing it all. Maybe I'll write about it and maybe I won't. I wish I missed my father, it all feels surreal, like I'm suddenly living in an impressionist painting. Maybe I'll flip out, fall apart later, or something.


I'm sorrowful that my girls are hurting. I'm glad my father died peacefully and mercifully not in pain. Maybe I'll think of the right thing to say later on, for now, this is all I've got.

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Not like he was struck by lightning. Yeah, I would say you've had plenty of time to deal with the grief and whatnots already. Like... years? Sorry for your youngest daughter and the others tho. Your dad has lifed and moved on. So it goes D.
You are saying and doing all the right things. Very similar to what I would feel. My mom kept me from my dad's death. Now I will not mourn hers. It is a sad situation but still I am compassionate and doing the "right" things with my body doing the correct movements. It is amazing to be right on the edge and see a passing. Thank you for sharing it all so honestly. I am so proud of you.
All you've got is plenty.

& you don't have to say one damn thing other than the truth.

Well said.
Sending you good thoughts. Bravely written post, as always.
Sometimes what's not there is more difficult that what is, if that makes any sense. My condolences to your family, Bleue.
that is how it is.
mom died. big deal. she wanted to. she drank herself to
encephalopathy of liver failure brought her to a nice place
oddly enough. she kept saying,
'i wanna go to school! i wanna go to school!"

in her comatose state, i would (to my sisters' distress)
pry open her eye lids so she could see me.
i spent weeks by her bedside.
shooting the shit.
believing maybe...she would recover/...???///.....
she had tricked death many times.
not this time
bang she was gone.

"I forget I'm supposed to sound like I'm suffering. But I don't feel like I'm suffering. I feel free from pain. And, for 8 days I've been free from fear and anxiety."

pretty much how things worked out for me.................
Kim's comment was so perfect. You've got the truth , and you succeed in expressing it really well, time after time.

Sorry that your girls are hurting. Interesting that he was good to them , and not to you or your mother. I wonder why that was, but of course ... It's none of my business ;>(

Keep writing. I think it might help. I'm convinced it lessens the load .... just a little.
I mourned Mom's passing several years ago so I did not have the huge grief, either, and people have been taken aback. Be yourself, take care of yourself. The rest will take care of itself. You have my sympathy.
trig, it's ironic the first comment is from you. In many ways you're a lot like him.
You are entitled to feel how you feel. No apologies or explanations needed for anyone. Thanks for sharing this.
So you've said Bleue. Aye, me and your deceased father, the selfish self serving CEO mentality we shared. True indeed.. as you have said.. at length.
I don't see anything strange. If he was really young, or it was accidental, it would be different. I say, be yourself!
zanelle, I don't feel mournful yet, maybe tomorrow. I'm at peace with what I did and that's the main thing. I did the right things and loved him as much as I could, and that's all I was supposed to do. Thank you for walking a long road with me. God it's good to feel free.

Kim, it's wonderful to speak the truth. You have a gentle but clear way of putting things. I needed to hear that, thank you.

Maureen, good thoughts are a gift, thank you.

nanatehay, you're always insightful. It was like trying to fill a bucket from an empty well.
I hear your voice speaking your truth, Bleue, and that is sometimes ... everything ... truly ... fully ... everything.
Thinking of you and of your feeling free ...
thinking of you with love.
My sincerest condolences. Mourn in your own way, it is your loss. It is okay to feel what you feel, when you feel it.
Oh dear God, trig not everything in the universe is about you and your feelings. We all know how proud you are to be selfish and that's your God given right though you weren't able to use it to make millions.

Today is not the day I want to read your whining or give you a nice battle. Go away.
I understand this Bleue. I had mixed feelings when my Dad died and wasn't sure how I was to feel. I'm sorry for the loss to your family. Also glad to hear that you had something special happen last week. As ironic as it may seem, sometimes when we are close to someone passing on, we are made more alive by it. You sound like you are writing this from a very solid place. Take Care.
Death at any age still leaves a hole somewhere. My biological dad passed away in agony at 81. Of his 5 children, I was the only one that stayed geographically close, I did so for sake of my mom. Of course he had his many good qualities but also evil. This evil affected his children and particularly my sister who went through many years of therapy as a result. Each of us deals with grief in our own way, you have grief but also mixed feelings, I so get that.

And for what it's worth, I am the biological off spring of an ass hole CEO and have met many other CEOs during the 25 years I spent in manufacturing. So I know a thing or two about persona. I dare say Trig is nothing like them and stand firm in that belief, no way no how.
Emotions like anger and grief that are by their nature unpredictable. It's hard to know what you will feel and when. I think we can feel sorrow without suffering, which is maybe what you're doing. I'm sorry to learn this news in any case.
James, I'm sad for you, I wish it had been different for so many of us. Now you and I must do the best we can to be whole. Love and comfort to you gentle one.
There are no "shoulds" when it comes to emotions. We feel what we feel. Or we don't, then feel guilty. That's too bad.
fernsy, there's a whole post on why he was nice to the people he couldn't get away with being mean to. Unfortunately two shots of Goldschlager make it impossible for me to elaborate. Or even write, hahaha, drunk and pathetic. I can't pretend anymore, it will kill me. While I'm buzzed let me say I love you very much! I can always delete this when I'm emoting less.

Maureen, you sweet woman, sigh. I had to stop reading your posts because I related too much, I'm sorry. I'm a big soft chicken. How's that for honest?

Phyllis, we're going to make it. I just wish it was easier.
I remember when you posted the pictures of him for thanksgiving. I feel a little like I knew him. I am very sorry for you.
It's okay to not be traumatized by his death. He lived a long life, and had a family who loved him in the end. Grief comes and goes, and not on someone else's timeline. I am glad you are feeling relief, and when you need to, you will come to feel your grief.
L'Heure, there is no right or wrong way to grieve or respond to the passing of a parent, especially one who was not as loving as you might have hoped or expected. I'm sorry about your daughter. My thoughts are with you too.
What Kim said. I could try for a week and not do as well. I'm sorry, Bleue.
Brianna, thank you for commenting, it's not easy to know what to say and what you said was perfect.

Scanner, you're always understanding, I appreciate it. It's good to have friends like you.

anna1liese, thank you. It was a long time coming. I'm finally free and so is my mother, I'm breathing so easily now.

Sheila, you're right, it's a different loss but a loss no less. Thanks for a reminder.
What you've got is enough. Take care.
Keep writing about it, we can all learn about grieving from your experience.
rated with love
Whining? Excuse the fuck out of me Doris. Good night.
I understand. My main emotion when my mother died was relief, as others have said.

I eventually did grieve, not for what was, but for what should have been, and the finality that now it never would be. Over 20 years, and I still roll it over in my mind on occasion.
He died peacefully. All his loving family was there.
. I am so sorry Doris.. nothing but love to you..
You can't fake it. I have never shed a tear over my Dad's passing, and I've never felt guilty over it, which is really strange for me. Don't worry about it. R
l'Heure, while I'm glad your father died peacefully, I am so much more glad that you feel free....a beautiful rare feeling.
Embrace it and sing, sister, if that's how you're feeling. Time enough for other feelings if and when they come and embrace those too, but that you feel free right now is worth celebrating, even if you choose to do that away from the mourners...
That is my humble opinion anyway.
Don't be ashamed of feeling up! Be there for your kids and if people are taken back, say, I'M OKAY!!

If anyone asks how you are, just say you're okay. As Henry Kissinger used to say, that has the added advantage of being true.

If anyone expresses condolences, just tell them you are grateful for their good wishes. Again, that has the advantage of being perfectly true (I assume).

Best wishes to you.
In mourning, of course, you have to be true to your own feelings. relationships are complicated. The sense of loss will bever fade away completely, but it will become more comprehensible. And you will grow as a person as you gradually absorb the meaning of the loss of your dad. Keep writing and sharing!
My beloved bleue,
May YOU have peace.

I felt like I kept it real enough by responding (under somewhat similar circumstances) with something to the effect of, “I’m happy he was able to be good to you.” It was kind enough to them and true enough for me. It might work for you, too.

Remember-breathe in peace now, bleue. Deep peaceful breaths.
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I remember a this from

Ralph Waldo Emerson

His son died and he grieved.
He wondered if he was wrong.
He felt he did not grieve long.
He seemed to accept his death.
R.W.E. questioned his reaction.
Yes . . .
We don't know what to say. Pause.
Kokei Sochin wrote ref: those deaths.
For over sixty years
I often cried Katsu! to no avail.
And now, while dying,
Once more to cry `Katsu!
Won't change a thing.

(We all die some day)
Empty-handed I entered the world
Barefoot I leave it.
My coming, my going -
Two simple happenings
That got entangled
He died sitting `Upright.
He lived upright. Then -
He died sitting `Upright.
That poem makes sense.
Take care. We do grieve.
No grief is the same-same.
I grieved pre parents dying.
I made my Mother's coffin.
I spent time with my Father.
I still grieve. But it's different.
I remember. They live within.
I recall many wonderful times.
Of course, we can feel sad too.
This is a very somber morning.
[r] hey Bleue, my condolences. I assumed it was close. I think I have shared one of my favorite quotes already with you, "Honesty without love is brutality. Love without honesty is sentimentality." Sometimes it is a tough line to find. :) Take care of your precious self. Appreciate once again your openness! best, libby
I know this one too well. August 20.
Stay strong, friend.
I just wanted to say how sorry I am to your family, and that whatever way you grieve, is OK with us here, sending love unconditionally. Take care of yourself Bleue.
I'm dead sober and awake too early. Took a "nap" at 6 P.M and woke up all confused, 5 minutes ago. Anyway, dear Doris, so glad you got that out while inebriated. I love you too. Will find that post you mention asap.
I wished the same when my dad died. You wish you had the love from him a daughter needs and when we don't get it saying goodbye just isn't as hard I think. I cried but more for me and what I would never have.
I hope you write it all out and find peace with who, with how he was. I am so sorry for your loss.
Brave of you to share how you are feeling - it sounds to me as if you love your Dad very much - and no one who dies wants those left here to suffer - don't let what you think you should be feeling get in the way of what you are feeling - my condolences to your family - everyone mourns differently - I think it is up to each of us to love one another enough to let those we love mourn in their own way without judgment.
I think you've shared quite enough here.
Be well.
I should not have had two drinks and answered comments when I was upset. I apologize for not responding well to those I answered after drinking. fernsy, sorry, I should have said I could write a whole post on it, I hope you didn't search for long.
Totally fine that you are not grief-stricken. It may hit later, or it may never hit. It doesn't mean you don't love your father. You shouldn't have to look sad and obviously grieve.
We know each other by creating each other in our heads, in our minds. That piece of our minds devoted to someone else is a living thing within ourselves. When that real person outside dies this living image within ourselves loses something very vital. As long as we live, that living representative remains and it is in great pain after the death of the original. It speaks to us, it appears in our dreams, it never goes away. It takes me about ten years to accommodate to that outside death to make it tolerable. It never stops hurting.
No worries, sweetie. I actually did look for awhile. xoo
Totally get this. You have my good thoughts and prayers.
Oryoki Bowl, it's true he had a family that loved him and we were there when he left. I always loved him. Thank you.

Erica, I guess he was never capable of what I hoped for. Now I'm free from pointless hope and I can move on. Thank you for your thoughts.

Candace, there isn't a good way to say these things so thank you.

jlsathre, thank you.

Poetess, well I will may write about the beautiful healing between us. For now, I want to keep it like a precious treasure. Love heals everything.

trig, I now feel guilty about one thing about my father's death. I failed to say you have my father's worst traits and not a single one of his good ones. I'm filled with deep sorrow that I didn't have the same relationship with him so many others did. A barbarian like you is unable to consider that was painful for me. I realize it's too hard for you this late in life to learn to consider the feelings of others.

The truth is, you're a spoiled mean little boy trapped in an old man's body. Sorry but I'm continually repulsed at your shameless enjoyment of being alternately cruel and vulgar, openly and privately. The things you've said to me in private over the past few months have made me see you as little more than a dirty animal. It stuns me that you have a different view of yourself. I can't imagine where you got the impression you were any better than how you act. You should move on, I'm always going to base my opinion of you on how you act, not on your childish fantasy of how incredible you are.

Kai, that's it, the sorrow I feel is for what should have been. I'm starting to see that not feeling a loss is normal when the person only makes you miserable.

Linda, this is one you know but I was very blessed before the end. Love to you sweet heart, and thank for for the many hugs.

Christine, I had to stop faking everything two years ago to survive and I started to heal. Thanks for saying don't worry about it, I don't need any setbacks.
Just Thinking, lovely thoughts, thank you. I'm so grateful I have no memories of him suffering because I'd probably feel bad going there. I used to dread going to their house because I never knew if he would be mean or nice, now I go and it feels lovely there. It's so wonderful not to hear those things and I do find myself singing like a bird out of her cage. I am celebrating my freedom.

Tink, yes! I survived being hurt and sad for so long and now, it's wonderful to be okay! Thank you.

Patrick Hahn, wonderful response, I'm writing it down. I'm always grateful for good wishes. Thanks.

Patrick Frank, you're right, it feels incomprehensible right now. I'm starting to realize I just suck at emoting and I especially dislike how chaotic it often feels.

AJ, it's funny but I've felt like it's easy to breathe all week. I feel a peace coming and going I've never felt before. Maybe God or some angel is sheltering me with Love. I feel a little wrong (or odd or delusional) about how peaceful I feel.

I love what you offered, it's true, I'm really happy he was good to other people, it would have been much worse if he was terrible to everyone. Of course I never let him be unkind to my children in his moods, I'm grateful they had good relationships with him. I'm grateful I don't have that to feel bad about.

Art, how beautiful. I'm so grateful he drifted out peacefully, he fought so much in his life. When I was little he sang to me every night, every word of those songs lives in me. He really only sang to me, he was so happy when he sang and I will miss his singing the most. He is just gone from here, he is not gone from everywhere. Thank you for coming here to write poetry today.

I'll have to finish tomorrow, got a late start here again and my head is fuzzy from needing sleep. Busy taking care of things and one of the things on my list is me. I'm okay.
What a great First read, and reread You again.

I was weary as all 'get-out' yesterday. Exhausted.
Ponderous. If I'm 'Bummed-Out I go ` Sit in P.U..
My pickup truck is one sacred-Cubicle to`Reflect.

Some eves I can hear my own heart heave `Groan.
Moan. We sentient creatures can actually `Rebirth.
Image . . .
If I'm Pissed?
I toss `bouts.
newly pissed
gently placing
gizmo in pot
huh . . . toss
gadget on a
huh . . .
can take time
and we do refine
never perfect
and changing
I just wait, sit
Post pain
I anticipate
some relief
It seems to work some.
I'll no say `It's so easy.
We have unique trials.
Struggle is part/parcel.
We share unique grief.
Life can be very harsh.
I am just appreciating.

I get dizzy like fernsy.
What day is this one?
We best live this out.

Am I married or not?
Do I sip gin or a beer?
Am I saved and lost?
Both . . .

We can delve `Love.
Love remedies`Stuff.
Night/Day. Ay`Light.

I mean men Travail. Women labor. Tend `Life Force.
Words can fall short. Bad/Good day? I no`Judge day.
When my inner`Spirit is in enormous Anguish I`Sits.
l'Heure bleue:
It amazes me how much strength you display here,reason for me to get to know you.
Your attitude about dealing with death is remarkably clear,and I am impressed by your honesty.
The occurence of death leaves us remaining in an emotional bubble for awhile,a protecting shield until we are ready to be confronted with the loss-especially of a parent-to cope with.
Sometimes,the grief starts much earlier than at the moment of death.I think you know about this.
I have to go back to one of your posts in order to understand what you have to go through.
Children feel the loss too,but they have the protection of being young and at the beginning of their lives.They take life and death as facts;they'll be OK.
Love and blessing to you
Dear Bleue,

it is
never wrong
(or odd
or delusional)
to allow
a place


to come.

May you HAVE peace. Always-one breath at a time.
libby, allowing myself to be open and honest is a gift I've given myself. You have the gift of recognizing wisdom, and sharing it. I'm saving that quote. Thank you.

Jonathan, ever an understanding person. Thanks.

rita, love is always appreciated, thank you for the kind thoughts.

fernsy, I'm sober most of the time too. One day I'll write that post, the things I learned in the last two years.

Lunchlady, sad or not we got what we got. It's wonderful to finally discover that it was them that couldn't give and not because we didn't deserve it. Thank you.

LammChops, thank you. I love my father very much, I will not miss the way he treated me or made me feel. Now I can remember the way it was 50 years ago.

alsoknownas, thank you.
Lucy, pretending things were different feels like a denial of my own life and a betrayal of who I am. It's good to say I will no longer betray myself. Thank you.

Jan, what a remarkably insightful way to speak of the hole people leave when they go. I've felt something similar moving away from friends I love and after two of my divorces. I continue to pray they will be well long after and it comforts me to know they are well even if far away. I have been fortunate that this is the first person I am close to that I've lost to death. I fear that deep longing that comes in waves, but I will find out soon enough how this feels too. Thank you for the insight.
Wow. Go a head and hate on me in public Bleue, if it makes you feel better. I have things I could say back, my thoughts and opinions of you, but hey you're grieving right now... or not grieving, or something in between..
FWIW I never cried for my Dad when he passed. We were close when I was young but his second wife kept us at a distance for years so him dying didn't change things much. He had been gone a long time already. I DID however finally weep and mourn when I blogged the story of his passing, which was four years after the fact.
Yours truly, old man tr ig
Bernadine, thank you. It seems we're a bit in the same sad place. My condolences to you and your family.

Art, thank you for lovely words again, my spirit is restless today. The hospice nurse at the end said the same thing, that death looked like the opposite of birth. She said she'd witnessed many deaths and often the person tried to get out of bed or take off their clothes, as if the soul struggles to leave the body.

So often I sense I was born saved and when I arrived in this harsh place, I got lost. My father has simply found his way home. Peace and comfort to you my friend.

Heidi, thank you very much. Strength comes from overcoming adversity. We all have 3 choices when faced with adversity, overcome it, lean on others or succumb. I haven't had many to lean on, and refused to die so I picked overcoming. I'm not unique, I've just had more adversity and less help than most people. On the upside, I learned to take care of myself and others, and lean on God.

I'm not good at the technicalities of blogging and forget not everyone knows my history and I don't set pieces up like a writer. I should have said my kids are adult women, the photo doesn't show how grey my hair is. God bless all the children, each one will have the same 3 choices when faced with adversity.

AJ, wow! That's a huge insight. Thank you for a Blessed gift.

Trig, what would have made me feel better was if the many times I said you were being hurtful you had stopped, or even been remorseful about hurting my feelings. It's too bad for you that you can dish it out but you're too much of a weakling to take it. You should learn to suck it up like others suck it up when you're mean, instead of being such a thumb sucking baby. Put your big girl panties on and get over it.

Now I understand why your comments for Tonight are closed...
So sorry for your loss, Bleue. Blessings.
Grief is so very singular and solitary. Take care and I'm sending good thoughts.
jmac, nothing like a fist in the gut to get all your attention. Thanks for the warmth.

PattyJane, thank you. It's good to see you here again, it made me smile!

Barbara, thank you for your good thoughts.

Gary, thanks, it got to the point where it was speak the truth or suck the gun. To hell with the negative force that wants us to suffer in silence, or suck the gun.