Lea Lane

Lea Lane
Florida, USA
August 26
author, Travel Tales I Couldn't Put in the Guidebooks, available at Amazon.com and on Kindle
“I’ve discovered the secret of life,” Kay Thompson, the eccentric entertainer and “Eloise” author, once said. “A lot of hard work, a lot of sense of humor, a lot of joy and a lot of tra-la-la!” And that's been my life: As a travel writer for over 30 years, I've been around the block (more like around the world), and I write true stories about interesting people and places. (Check out my travel site, Travels With Lea.) I've lived an unconventional life in conventional trappings. Been a corporate VP, worked with foster kids, acted in an Indie ("Nurse 1"), was on Jeopardy!. I've been managing editor of a travel publication, written for the Times, and authored books. OS is my home, but I also blog on The Huffington Post, and I've contributed (mostly anonymously) to everything from encyclopedias to guidebooks. Married young, divorced late; married late, widowed early, I dated lots in-between -- and survived a scary illness. After being happily, peacefully solo for many years, I'm now happily married again. I founded and still edit www.sololady.com, a lifestyle Website for single women. I'm truly grateful for each precious day, each well-earned wrinkle, my family, my cat. Truth, laughter, friendship, late love. And this blog -- on this wonderful site!

Lea Lane's Links

SEPTEMBER 8, 2009 4:08PM

To Suzy: Sorry Love, But It's Over Before It's Begun

Rate: 43 Flag


  female silhouette


My name is suzy, In search of a man who understand the meaning of love as Trust and faith in each other rather than one who sees love as the only way of fun, but a matured Man with Nice Vision of what the world is all about, and after reading your profile here in. us.mc1118. I took Interest in you, so pleas reply me with this Email suzy_diane@yahoo.com


Hello  suzy,

Thank you for your thoughtful message in my OS inbox. I'm flattered that of all the people in this world you sought out me and me alone.

You seem to have noticed that I am available and I do think I have a "Nice Vision of what the world is all about," but I think you haven't read my profile closely. Or maybe I need a new avatar photo. Because dear suzy,  the last time I looked I was a woman, not a "matured Man." Yes, you got the mature part right, but I do not have any man parts except for increasing chin hairs, which do not show up on the avatar.

As for the meaning of love being "Trust and faith in each other rather than one who sees love as the only way of fun" I must say that I have a bit of a problem with having trust and faith in someone who thinks I'm a man.

And what's wrong with fun, suzy? I take it that "love" to you is "making love." Nothing wrong with that. It may not be the "only way of fun" but it sure beats Scrabble.

(Do you play Scrabble, suzy?)

Never mind.

While I am flattered that you have sought me out suzy, I think that you and I might not be  totally compatible. Maybe I'm wrong. Do you like baba ghanoush?  Mahler's Fifth? Leo Kotke? Rauschenberg's goat series?

Never mind.

I never met you but I'd guess you don't work on the National Spelling Bee committee. I would guess you're not in the education field. Hmm, on second thought.

And what is  " us.mc1118"? Is that a new dating service for "matured" men? Women who hold globes in their avatar? Women with alliterative names? I have decided not to check.

I hope you don't mind that I don't answer your email, suz. (Do you  mind me calling you that?  I can't help it. You have been so kind and supportive.)

suz, you may have singled me out for my "vision of the world" after reading my profile, but I have to break it to you gently: We're through before we've begun.

It isn't you. It's me.  It's my problem.

I hope this doesn't cause you heartbreak. You'll get over it; we've all had our hearts broken. You took a risk, and I admire risk-takers.

We can still be friends. Maybe we could join a film series of 1970s Antonioni films or see Pilobolus? Do you like Pilobolus or do you prefer Alvin Ailey?

 I do wish you the best.You sound like a lovely and discerning person.

With regret,

Lea (matured WOman) Lane


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Maybe I'm making a mistake here, but for some reason I don't think this would work. Oh well ....
Lea, thanks for making me laugh.

For years now my in-box has been littered with offers to increase the size of my penis and decrease the size of my auto insurance payment. Neither of which I have.
And as for making love versus games of Scrabble...well, doesn't that depend on who you're doing either with?

(And there's always Strip Scrabble. Oh yes, I have played this.)
Go, Lea! You've done it again. I admire you, too, but doubt that Suzy and I have many commonalities. I hope she recognizes that.
I hope for your sake that this doesn't net you 100 more.
Lea it is a great testament to your gentle character that you chose to respond to this soul :)
She wrote to me to. Three times as a matter of fact. I felt more "matured" each time I received a new notice.
Sigh. You two would've made such a cute couple.
What a sweet Dear Suzy letter. And yes, chin hairs are a real boil on my ass! We have something in common, but we're both ladies. Crap. Anyway, Elizabeth Bennett could not have said it any better.
I LOVE this. You make all the spam worthwhile, if it causes sharp witty people like you to write something this funny!
That slut! I'm breaking up with her.
Leeandra, my penis must be considered big enough, because I have not received many of those messages. And altough I have played strip Old Maid I have never played Strip Scrabble. But thank you for the idea.

Judy, you just don't rate. Sorry.

AtHomePilgrim, I already get about 100 of these. But I never thought about that possibility. I guess I wouldn't have to join a dating service in that case.

Wanderer, I was tempted but at the last minute used my past dating experience to forgo what might have been the love of my life.

cartouche, three times? She obviously is discerning. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe we could try a threesome.

Stim, I have no idea what she looks like. I am not shallow, but for some reason I imagined her grooming might need a bit of a tweak. Just saying.

latethink, I think there should be a facebook club for ladies with chin hairs.

silk, you mean you haven't heard from her yet? Maybe she isn't that discerning after all. I would think your knowledge of Mad Men would have attracted her. I would think she watches good drama.
I got that message from another woman. Come on I'm not gay enough! She mixed it up!
aim, I suspected as much! She's easy!

Roy, I take it you have not heard from her or it would have been a guffaw.

LandP, maybe she thinks I'm a dog too. The woman has broad taste.

Z, I have a feeling after this that I may be hearing from "the other woman" too.
And I thought I was special .... ha!
Nancy, you ARE special. But not to suz.
Does this mean that I can have Suzy all to my self? She contacted me too, ya know. I really like you Lea, so I'm glad that we won't have to fight over Suzy Q's affections. (that's my pet name for her, Suzy Q. Cute, huh?) I don't know what direction this will take me, but I've been lonely too long. (that would make a great song title) I wonder is Suzy Q has an hourly rate or if I will have to pop for the motel room? Did you get that far before backing out of the relationship?
I also got a letter from Exxon Mobil from some guy named Bill to claim my $3.8 million, so my life just keeps getting better!
Very official looking complete with typos. Of course he will need my SS# and my bank account number to make the deposit. He seemed like a nice man from the letter. I think I may have found a new friend.
I was just thinking lea, I could set you up with Bill and we could go on a double date! My treat, of course.
I hope suz was not too upset! (funny funny stuff, Lea)
Harvey, "special" is the operative word.

Michael, how generous of you. I think I'm more interested in suzie than Bill ( she may be solvent), but if cartouche doesn't want a threesome with suz I may PM you if I'm really desperate.

fab, I think suz may be distraught but she'll have to eat some chocolate, have a glass of Malbec, and cry her eyes out.
I always love these. :-) They make me feel so singularly special.
Hey, I like baba ghanoush and Mahler's Fifth. In fact I eat baba and listen to Gustav at the same time. Have you tried that? Amazing.

But don't knock Scrabble. R.
verbal, I think of Senator Stuart Smalley. I'm special.

John, baba, Mahler and getting a triple-word score. What could be better?
Love this. She only sent me two messages so I guess she likes Cartrishe more. Ah well, I'll have to wait for a Reggie or a Horace to write to me.
Sally, cartrish doesn't seem interested in a threesome. With your luscious history do you think you might stray just for fun, just once, since suzy seems to really care about us both?
emails are sometimes entertaining.
You never know...she could be the one!

When it comes to gender confusion, I always have all the symptoms of a prostate problem...
I could entertain the idea of a threesome, but so far Cartouche has managed to fend off any advances that I've coyly cast in her direction, so she is either not very impressed with me, or she could be playing hard to get. Would you be willing to talk to her on my behalf? I will discuss the matter with Suzy and see how she feels about the matter.
Chuck, don't you think she was serious?

Deborah, don't you get the ads for enlarged prostates? PM me.

Michael, yes cartouche plays hard to get, but I think suzy may tip her over. But are you thinking threesome or will you consider foursome? And if Bill joins, fivesome? (I must be really desperate.)
"Roy, I take it you have not heard from her or it would have been a guffaw."

I think it's cuz my ISP has excellent spam filtering
I read this on my iTouch at the hair salon today...there I was feeling stupid with hair plastered down in color and I found myself laughing out loud several times. Thank you Leah for your wonderful take on these *@! letters.
Well I'm kind of shy about stuff like that, but given enough alcohol I can be convinced to do just about anything, so who knows? I'll talk to Bill when I get my millions and see what he thinks. I'm thinking I'll by a stretched Humvee so folks will wonder what I'm compensating for.
Roy, you are missing out on some of the best info in the world. Who could resist suzy?

Sheila, so happy that I made you laugh. At least you weren't drinking somethinga and it didn't come out your nose.

Michael, I'm not sure I can wait years. Maybe we need to rethink this. Except for the stretch Humvee.

Greg, you liked it so much you commented twice, even though you are succinct and the total is two words. Thanks!
U 2! When i gits my mitts on dat two-timing, switching hittin hussey, i wheel flatten her wit my peter-bilt.
I never get messages from girls who love me for my visions, or shall I say, my hallucinations. I would share my percocet with someone insightful like that. You have all the luck.
Like Leandra, by now I would have a penis that could wrap around the world should I have purchased all the offers to lengthen my non-existent appendage. Perhaps it is my "maturity," and not just my gender, that has kept it nonexistent.
Trudge, she's all yours. Take her, please!

Sirenita, she couldn't keep up with you. (Neither can I.)

Susanne, you have a happy marriage. Be thankful you wouldn't even consider suz, unlike some of us. ;)
Dear Matured WOman,
Absolutely hilarious!
Thanks, Unbreakable. But I was serious.
I hope Suzy isn't too heart broken, you let her down as gently as possible.
Oh Melissa, I tried to be kind.

Owl, this was not something I was prepared for. Thanks.
hee hee very touching, Lea ;)
It was hard, Odette. Love is never easy.
I thought I was the only one in her life...xox
I love Mahler's 5th! Heck, I love Mahler's anything, especially if Otto Klemperer is conducting. You can't find good Mahler these days. Contemporary conductors ruin him with wildly exaggerated interpretations. The old German conductors knew how to bring out the music's inherent grandeur. Today's maudlin renditions are for the birds. And probably for Suzy. Hmmff. Nice flounce.
Barking, maybe it's my ad about sexy stomachs that got suzy's attention.

Robin, you can have her. xoxo

Steve, I love Mahler, and Bruckner. I doubt suzy does. (She probably likes Tesh.) There is this wonderful academy in Miami Beach -- the New World Symphony. They perform lots of M and B, very well.
It's 2 am and here I am; reading this and snickering away. I love it.

Suzy has capital I Interest in you, Lea - that's very serious. You may want to rethink it.
suzy didn't deign to ask me out. That was a terrible crushing oversight on her part but she apparently does have a plan B, and a plan C, and a plan D and...well, I'm just not that patient.

Mahler is good, Holst is good...depends on my mood. BTW, one of the guys in the Miami Symphony is a high school classmate of mine. I could listen to him for hours.

I don't think suzy could offer me that kind of pleasure.
Beth, I snickered at your post too. Both of us bothered.

Stephen, alas the Miami Symphony is no more. But there are others that Suzy might enjoy.
I'm shocked! I thought Suzy was so sincere. So much for internet love.

Thanks for deftly turning spam into a work of comedic genius.
Lisa, I think that Suzy is sincere -- in her blanket the internet kind of way. (And enjoy the new school year and your time alone.)
Alas, Suzy's first language is probably not English...so we shouldn't take her to task over grammatical grapplings...her sentiments are enough to parry with...
yekdeli, "shouldn't" isn't particularly useful for satire. Was trying to show badly done spamming and scamming. I doubt if "suzy" will be reading my posts, and if she does, well maybe she'll improve her writing and gain some "matured man."
Ah, you've rejected suzy's advances.

So then does this mean I have a chance with you? ;-D

It would take the sting out of the fact that I, a mature man, never got a single e-mail from suzy. Not one.

Must be my profile. *SIGH*
Bill, she doesn't seem to go for "sensitive." Just "matured," as in $$ I would guess....