not drowning waving

Kim Gamble

Kim Gamble
Location
Australia
Birthday
July 13
Bio
dad, children's books, gardens, the ocean, coffee with a friend.

MY RECENT POSTS

Kim Gamble's Links

New list
No links in this category.
previous posts
MAY 3, 2012 1:43AM

A Pterodactyl in the Toilet.

Rate: 37 Flag

Here we don't say bathroom, when we mean toilet. We say "toilet," as in, "Where's the, ah, toilet ?" Builders here know this, and the answer has always been, "Up the hall, second on the left." Certain foreign builders apparently don't know this, & the result has led to a great deal of confusion. 

I think in England they say "lavatory," or "lav." As in, "Where's the lav, luv ?"

Sometimes people here say "dunny," but that just means they're not really interested, & anywhere in your backyard will do.

Personally I encourage people to void their bladder or their bowel in the correct facility, but I'm ready to admit : I'm fussy like that.

So it was quite a surprise when recently, during a bar-b-q over at one of Barry's mates', I found myself in a very small room with a gigantic winged reptile. It came at me with unnecessary force, before I'd had a chance to unzip, even. The result was a general wetting of the crotch area, and a bit of a bruise ~ no, let's call it what it was ~ a 24-stitch slash across my throat. There was a fair bit of fluid involved, and a good deal of the other as well.

I found my way back to the bar-b-q, clutching my neck, trying to get Barry's attention. I was thinking a quick trip down the road to Emergency, at least a tetanus shot might have been in order, but Barry assured me that the thing in the toilet hadn't been around for 150 million years, so I settled down a bit, and opened another beer.

Things were something of a blur, after that, but Barry got me home and tucked me in. He's a good mate, old Bazza. Some of his friends are a bit weird though, I reckon.

Your tags:

TIP:

Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:

Comments

Type your comment below:
"Sometimes people here say "dunny," but that just means they're not really interested, & anywhere in your backyard will do."

I detect a hint of disapproval there, but let's be candid; disposing of one's waste outdoors is far more hygienic than doing so INDOORS WHERE ALL YOUR STUFF IS.
You have a point ...
OMG! You're using your mom's avatar on a post about hallucinations and fecal incontinence!!

For SHAME, Kim!!

;-)
bwahahah, your new pic is great :D
and DiBi, it was only urinary incontinence, so it's all good
i thought the brits said 'loo,' which has a far more melodious, poetic sound, don't you think? where's the loo, dearie? i must find the loo. loo hoo? or something.
Damn straight, DiBi. Has Kim jumped the shark? I peed outside just a minute ago and it was completely liberating.
& your point, DiBi ?
I love loo too, Candace. I say it a lot.
Does your mom read OS?
How do you think she would feel about the fact that you have posted numerous lovely entries, beautifully illustrated, and then for this uh, rather graphic post about being unable to control one's bowel and bladder, you decide to ADD a photo of DEAR MOM as your avatar?!
Julie read again. It was fecal. My GOD was it fecal.

I really hope I get the New Editor's EP for this.
I know fecal when I read it.

Unfortunately.
You say "serviette" I say "maxi pad."
good lord....i read the fluid and other matter as coming from the slash on your throat....
I think shit is more palatable than my version.
I've alluded to it before, DiBi, but mom doesn't have a computer. She can hardly see. I'll change the avatar directly, don't worry. Just thought it was appropriate, somehow. This being about Pterodactyls in bathrooms & all.
Great, go ahead and change the avatar so it will look like *I* have been hallucinating.
Awesome!
:-D
I thought they called it a "bog" in GB, but guess I'm mistaken. (Watched "Keeping Up Appearances" with the disreputable bro-in-law too many times.)
This story illustrates ANOTHER damn good reason for leaving the seat down, now doesn't it?

BTW, as long as we're on the subject... What DO you guys keep all of the leaks you're always taking? I'd think pockets wouldn't work too well for that.
does a pterodactyl in the toilet serve the same purpose as a canary in a coalmine?
I didn't view this post as fecal, but rather as a commentary on the rampant waste of hydrological resources engendered by our capitalistic Western petrochemically consumer-oriented economies. FUCK THA POLICE, Rage Against the Machine, pee in your back yard right now!
Cloacal literature...fabulous.
ccdarling "bog" is a bit brutal, like the US "crapper," I reckon. Why can't we all call it what it really IS ?? A DISGUSTING PLACE !!!
A place of ill-repute ; a foul & besmirched place ; a place of SIN !!!

Of course, Amy. Civilised males always leave the seat down ; even sit down, if there's time.
Where we take our leaks ... never in a wetsuit ~ it attracts sharks. Or a swimming pool, if you've had a Berocca.

lorianne the pterodactyl would have died first, if I had a chance to do my business. It was a very small room.

This was never meant to be a fecal post, nan, but I'm glad to see it's trending that way. I just hope the New Editor is reading.
i think this is a terrible afront where the business of pterodactyls is concerned...
Was it a female pterodactyl in a male toilet? They can get pissed off and confused. We here in Finland say WC.
So much I miss here when I try to sleep like a normal person.
I feel bad for mum on a loo post but I have a feeling she would laugh as from what I know she was quite an outdoorswoman herself in the day.
Nana I think many men feel that way.
Ok enough of that for me.
although someone in my house would add there is always a large bird in our bathroom... (sorry)
Sounds like a very strange visit the the bathroom, or toilet round these parts Kim.

Sorry I missed the picture of your mother. I like the current avatar I see of you now sitting with a cane.
Extra points for knowing how to spell 'pterodcatyl' and connecting them with bathroom activities. Your mom looks like she didn't accept nonsense from small boys with crayons. I like her. I like that that you put her up for Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day Mrs. Gamble!
Ack! I can't believe that I misspelled 'pterodactyl'!
I'm planning a fence around my yard, hopefully not too expensive, so maybe then I can pee in the great outdoors. As it is, I have a neighbor that keeps too much of an eye on things.

Oh, how I miss privacy.
Mom TOLD you to stay away from prehistoric birds of prey!
Don't Bogart the joint, mate. Pass it over to me.
Oh, and the "dunny?" That's what we toddlers would holler out to Mommy when we were done...ee.
I went to London with a friend who kept seeing "To Let" signs on buildings and was convinced London had more public toilets than any place she'd ever been.

Sorry about your stitches and the...um...er...mess.
Barry's friends are insane! Nice of him to tuck you in though after such a trauma. An interesting and time honored tale here, Kim. Your mother looks quite pretty in your avatar.
Damn, and I thought weird shit (no pun intended) only happened in New York City toilets.
...think I'll skip this one...
But I do now remember you have other posts I haven't read yet.
: )

Awwww, you look like your Mom.
Hi, Kim's Mom!
I was so confused until I saw Larry's post NOW I get it :)
Is that a pterodactyl in your toilet or are you just happy to see me?
Breaking new ground, V. Corso. Trying to set an example.

Interrobang I confess I wasn't even thinking of the thing's dignity.

Jan it would be an intrepid female who used the toilet at Barry's mate's place, I'll tell you that for free.
I remember WC. Water Closet. We used to say WC here, too. Haven't heard that for a while. Good old Finland.
Násaán ang kubeta. Rakastan sitä !

:-) Rita. She may not see too well, but she still enjoys a pterodactyl story.

Thanks, Mission. You see it's coming on Winter here, & I've taken to wearing woolies too.

Thanks greenheron ~ I'll pass that on to mom. She was a no-nonsense mom, very "thing" about spelling, in particular. Knew the value of a reptile in the bathroom, for speeding up the process.

Phyllis you don't need an entire fence. A bit of a hedge would do, or an old swing-set & some kudzu.

She did, Linnnn, & did I listen ?

:-) Chicken Måąăn, the Aussie curse : May your chickens turn into emus & kick your dunny down.

jlsathre, now there's a Lynn Truss sticker-opportunity if I ever heard one.

Thanks, Fernsy. Barry's friends are insane. You wouldn't believe what they were cooking on the bar-b-q. It was a cassowarry after the crime, that night.
I absolutely hate it when that happens....
This stories thing just may turn out to be awesome after all. I walked into the bathroom, Kim, and T.Rex was playing Bang a Gong!
Just realized Kim, that for some reason most of my comment did not post...weird....
I recognize that face as yours on the avatar picture.
You certainly have a strong resemblance...
Geez, never mind....I am tired already and the day just started...
LOL(for real.) What were they cooking on the barbecue. I can't get you extradited so fess up, cassowarry!
You never know what you might find in the washroom as we Canucks might say.
Sounds like a premise for a Tv bit to me.:)
HUGGGGGGG
My husband's from New Zealand and has always referred to the "dunny," so now I understand why our dog has seemed so, er, "prolific" in the back yard all these years.

But he also uses a New Zealand word pronounced "kahzi" or "karzi" depending on the degree to which he is inserting unnecessary "r's" into all his words on that particular day. Why DO you guys do that? As a result, my daughter Becca thinks her name is "Beccer." And what IS this "Bazza" stuff, anyway? That's what Will has been calling Obama the past 4 years.
This proves correct what I've said all along.
We should carry a vid camera with us at all times.
Can you imagine the youtube response?
And ya never know when a UFO might pick you up,
and all that.
Awesome story.
My Uncle Rudy just got back to me regarding this post, as I knew he would, inquiring of me to inquire of you if you had deigned to (I advised against "deigned," but he was adamant) to run this post and chicken-related comments thru your PC software, as he (and I concur) assumes you understand the biological linkages between today's fowl and the aforementioned (appears he's already consulted attorneys) pterodactyl. Ordinarily a gentle, peaceable rooster, Rudy nonetheless suffers from a low tolerance threshold where potential defamatory language or nuance can be perceived.

There. I've fulfilled my familial obligation and I. Am. Out of here. Good day. ARRROOOOOOOOOOOO...DOODLEDOOOO...
Harrowing experience indeed. I say the tetanus shot was in order, but all's well that ends well. I give thanks I never bumped into one of these things. My only problem was bobbing and weaving so much when standing at a urinal that I inevitably cracked my forehead on the wall above and bled.
Gary, it happens far too often, in my opinion.

Bang a Gong, Scarlett ! Now you have to write an awesome story !

:-) Mission.

Fernsy they had a smorgasbord of wombat, platypus & koala, & for vegetarians they had dolphin.

Erica when it comes to New York City toilets the mind boggles. The first thing I think of is alligators, then Glenn Close.

Hi nice person in Oregon.

Hi Lunchlady. Larry started it.

Always happy to see you, nilesite :-)

nilesite disappeared ...

Hi Linda.
"washroom" always struck me as the mother of all euphemisms. If you didn't do anything, why are you going to a washroom ?

Snippy, Barry's mates are Kiwis.
"Kahzi" is either "cossie," ( bathing costume ) or a breed of dog the rest of the world calls Borzoi, or the President of Afghanistan.
New Zealand people are notorious for mixing these things up.
Obama should be thankful his mother didn't name him Warwick, or we down here would be calling him Wozza.
I don't know ~ it's just something guys do, down here.

tr ig,
It's handy having the video function on the phone ~ you wouldn't believe how many UFO clips I've got.

CM,
Rudy is fully cognisant ( about as attractive a word I'm told, as deigned ) that he's a DIRECT descendant of the thing that attacked me & is therefore somehow legally liable plus which it is NOT my practice to put roosters on the stand, so he can relax, & let his bowels go, as it were.

Brassawe it's a sad show when a man has to bob & weave when he's taking a piss these days, that's all I can say. I relate. Bro.
I have enough sense to keep my pterodactyl in a cage in the pantry.
Is that your mum, then? Hey-ho, Kim's mum! You look right lovely there.
this business of having one's throat slashed by a dinosaur is the epitome of awesome. I am sure you will win the awesome award. have they announced the prize yet? I mean aside from publishing you in the big s for free, which is very exciting, but does not put shrimp on the barbee. hahahahah (that's an awesome aussie joke!)
Sarah,
I'm glad someone's thinking, around here ;-)

Deborah,
DiBi said " OMG! You're using your mom's avatar on a post about hallucinations and fecal incontinence!!"
& then tried to make me feel ashamed !!!
I say : "What are mothers for, then ??"

Thanks dianaani, I will pass that on.

Monkey there aren't any limos pulling up out the front yet, & in fact they changed the Open Call back to "Stand Your Ground."
I don't qualify ~ I couldn't get out of that toilet fast enough.
So my chance, my one stab at fame, is ... gone ...
( sobs, wipes nose & straightens up ; shrugs shoulders & tries to get on with the rest of life. )
Trending fecal. Mom can hardly see. All the comments! Laughter tears here! Thank you, Kim
Checked in expected to see this tagged with an awesome EP, for sure. WTH?!
500 !!!

oops wrong post
Someone's been chanelling the road trip in "Fear and Loathing in Last Vegas".

Write on, Kim.
You have given new meaning to the good old American tradition of giving someone the bird.
Fernsy, I get the feeling people aren't taking my awesome near-death experience seriously.
Wait 'til it happens to them, eh ?

Snippy I don't understand it either. Maybe they're in a meeting or something.

aka, at least we did 50 !

Boanerges, there's an impossible act to follow :-)

A moo moo mow, John. Bird is the word !
I'm holding out for 725.
They really are making light of this. I'm sorry that they can't see.
Jeebus, stop your freakin whining, FFS! It was just a little one by American standards!

'Sides, it serves you right for not putting screens on your windows like normal people.
I didn't know phyliss was a hooker.
725 sounds kinda high.
33 rates?
seriously?
This is why the call for Awesome Stories went out in the first place, the editor(s) being desperate for some something quality outta' all the free 'journalists' OS keeps around. I can just imagine the exhausted editor(s), reading through post after post, wondering where all the word craft masters have gone, Kerry yelling down empty, echoing corridors, "Where in the hell have Susan Creamer Joy and LC Neal gone??"
"They wrote like angels, angels I say..."
Kerry drops to his knees and wails,
"Curses, Fictionique!"
After watching Kerry meltdown, Posing-as-Helpful-Gail quietly typed out the Call for Awesome Stories...
In return?
"Pterodactyls and Poo."
"Me and My Awesome Awesomeness."
"Studies Show Awesome Stories are a Threatened Species"

Mad as hell about the free 'journalists,' and secretly wanting to impose her own NYT-or-nothing journalist policy on Salon...
("Open. Schmopen" she mutters, "I'll get rid of those rabble rousers.")....and not posing as helpful any more, Ever-Ambitious-Gail even more quietly removes the 'Awesome Call' again, hoping the current plethora of "Toilets Posing as Washrooms" stories might drive Kerry right over the Editor Edge.... so she can take over the OS world!!
~Que Gail's evil laugh~
"Mwwwaaaahhhhhaahahahahahaha!"

(Don't mind me, the research work is a little slow this week...and it's my first try at....right.
Okay, Gail.
Okay.
Ahem...."It's my first try at Fiction.")
I thought 725 an hour was minimum wage.
725 is the new 500, Phyllis. We aim high around here, except for when we're weaving & dodging pterodactyls.

Fernsy they'll see, alright, when they hit the light switch & look up, at that THING hanging from the ceiling, & them sitting down, with their pants around their ankles. They'll see, alright. For about another two seconds.

Amy I will not use screens. If abseillers lose their grip, I am not responsible. & no, it was a big one, even by American standards.

Larry you're talking about potatoes, right ?

Just Thinking that was a post of a comment ~ I hope Gail catches it. We could share the EP, with me top-billing, but alas I think the moment has passed, & there was no fecal matter in yours anyway, except for the last sentence.
"The moment has 'passed'."
Well, there's the fecal matter.
(groan)

If this wins The Golden Throne Award, you'll have to fight me for top billing.
Well. no...actually... you can have top billing.
With the new editor, every EP is awarded a roll of TP.
I have some flamingoes on the bathroom mirror, but suddenly I feel like I need something...MORE. It appears many of the P birds are taken, penguins, pterodactyls. Perhaps I could add Puffins to my flamingoes? Keeping up with the Gambles is tough!
PS - Your mom's looking a bit peeved at you in the avatar. Did she not want her picture taken?
You can import some phlamingos from Australia.
You just have to pay the duty.
Kim you are the king of the run-on blog, just put up the fish post again and be done with it..Halibut Bite. My favorite.
Ph(f)lamingoes bite. Isn't that duty enough?
Don't ask where I piss when at the lake....

Oh...and I'd avoid the fish were I you.
still haven't gotten over it... but, anyway
just click on the tag awesome stories and you'll see what you're up against. Strangely, Gary Justis got the jump on everyone and wrote his story "Sex on Other Peoples Lawns" two years ago. (Sheesh, talk about insiders advantage!)

Ok, watch out for the leaves with the little prickers...
Thanks, Just Thinking.

Larry it's a good thing we took advantage of the specials at Costco then isn't it.

MM my mom probably didn't even know I was taking a photo.
There's always Pigeons, Pee-weets, Pardelotes, Pipers, Plovers, Pheasants & Peacocks, Parrots & Poodles, though technically poodles aren't birds.

Larry I think Phlamingoes are from Aphrica.

Rita, they were the days ;-), wasn't it.

Thanks JD.
I'll know not to fish in your lake :-)
I saw that, II, & commented earlier. Missed it the first time. Helluva tale.
i'm sorry, but i just have to ask this. who is gail?

thanks for covering up the scary titanium white glowing eyeballs, larry. those wayfarers are gnarly, dude.
This would be a good time to start writing a post for the new editor's open call in May 2014. We can get Margaret to hit Gary over the head with a 2x4 and eliminate him from the competition.
Candace, Gail is the Editor here. She responds to queries & is nice.
Not something you need to worry about, you know, at adobesoup.com ...

Larry good thinking. I'd forgotten about the May 2014 Open Call.
You're welcome Candace.

I thought Gail was the West Coast Open Salon Liaison and Community Director.
Awesome! Totally Awesome!!
Brazen P :-)

Larry that would be Candace.
What happened to the bird?
tg probably barry's mates ate it.
Nilesite did not disappear - just stopped in the can - awk awk eek eek tooky tooky!

BTW - I think it's casually rude to pull an awesome story open call right out from under you, especially when you're in the can, man.
I need to come back to this ... pterodactyl ... hmmmm ...
in a few minutes ... either Boris or Ken ... may be wondering if this ... could possibly be the reason why ... the other ... may be mayor ... of London ... once more ... why do election results ... call to me ... 10 minute warning time has run out and yet ... how many election results ... have I watched ... from anywhere ... we'll see ...

sorry a bit off the mark ... but really ... just a bit ...
Nilesite that was a senior moment, my apologies.
Even if they did pull the OC it's still going strong ~ click on awesome stories in the tags & you'll see.

anna1liese, not at all. There's a direct link between British civic politics & pterodactyls. Pterodactyls in lavs, even ;-)
Apologies, nilesite. I just clicked on awesome stories in the tags & you're there ! Awesome !
I am humbled to know my marshmallow is rubbing elbows with your pterodactyls.
Kim: re your comment on Brass's blog, it's the OS Circle of Life. There is a big sha-bang, flame war and then everyone feels bad like spanked children and they pledge their undying love for all their OS mates and get back to writing their magnum opus.
by the by, is this yours?
@lorianne: LOLOLOL!!!
still laughing.....
Kim: the true irony for me, personally, is how the advertising at my end became all about lawn care just as I was finishing your post!
PW
Where in the world is Kim Gamble? The night crew was assembled last night, we heard from Nat down under but not our resident night owl (for us anyway).
Would like to say saw you in the moon, but missed it here. Hope you were seeing it over the Bower.
I second Rita...
Hello Kim!?
Marshmallows, lawns, moons, things back to normal ...
Rita, Mission...can you not feel the 'turn' in the air over here?
...or I am imagining things.
I keep feeling there is a stronger, other, presence lingering next to-- among-- Mr. Gamble's words these days...
or I am imagining things.
I hope not, for Mr. Gamble's sake. : )
...and it's not an old woman's visage that I keep picking up on...although she is here too.
: )
I hope your psychic powers are true, Just Thinking.
I could use a 'turn.'
Well, if I'm feeling something in the air, but you are not, this may be one of those times my psychic powers are dim.
...but I will say for you: I hope not. : )

Hmmm, it's so much easier for those powers to declare themselves for someone else than for me.
What's up with that?
...I'm sure it's not me getting in my own way...
ha.
I must say though : kudos. I seem to be on a cusp.

Not sure what of, yet.
I hope it's not the flu.
: )