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APRIL 26, 2010 11:17AM

Top Ten Film Genres That Could Use Some Vampire-ing

Rate: 5 Flag

Everybody already knows that vampires are huge, but that doesn't mean they can't get huge-er, right?

I mean, we've already tapped into Vampire Romance (Twilight) and Vampire Southern Gothic (True Blood) and Vampire Whiney Teen Melodrama (The Vampire Diaries), but that's just the tip of the iceberg!

Here are ten more ways to work vampires into movies that probably shouldn't have vampires in them--

10) Noir Vampires

Sample Line: "But Detective, I just don't see how Winston could have killed Bradford...when he was ALREADY DEAD!"

Dramatic Music!

9) Michael Bay Vampires

Sample Line: "No, I'm not going to suck your blood. I'm just going to blow up three trucks and an oil tanker!"

Cue Ballad sung by Fading Country Superstar

8) Blacksploitation Vampires

Sample Line: "You a nasty punk, Dracula. But not as nasty as my wooden d**k."

Cue Theme from "Shaft"

7) Michael Cera Vampires

Sample Line: "Um, well, yeah, I mean, cool, um, I mean, I'm a vampire, um, yeah, so, cool, yeah, great..."

Cue A Band Nobody's Ever Heard of and Never Will Again

6) Overly Artistic Vampires

Sample Line: "Father, blood..." (Cuts to shot of wilting flower, then a crying child.)

Cue Silence...Cue Deafening Silence

5) Judd Apatow Vampires

Sample Line: "Dude, what's amazing is that I'm a vampire who likes to talk about sex, but can also get sentimental so that proves that I'm not just another misogynist vampire obsessed with burping and stuff...Wow, I should have bitten somebody, like, twenty minutes ago. This movie is running wayyy too long."

Cue Ironic Music

4) Musical Vampires

Sample Line: No Sample Line, go watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer's definitive musical vampire episode "Once More with Feeling" and then send me a thank you card at your leisure.

Cue Trumpets

3) Pixar Vampires

Sample Line: "I'm a vampire without teeth, which is kooky, but it also makes me totally harmless. What a crazy situation, huh? Plus, it allows me to befriend spunky kids that I can then go on adventures with...IN 3-D!!!"

Cue Randy Newman

2) Hoarding Vampires

Sample Line: "Wait, why do I have to throw out this coffin? There's still some earth left on the bottom of it. You know what? This is going way too fast for me."

Cue Tense Violins

1) Inspiration Athletic Vampires

Sample Line: "You think just because we're going to play the Big Game outside in the daylight you can't contribute to this team? Let me tell you something, Vlad. You are a part of this. You are a winner. And I don't care if you do have a taste for virgin blood, dammit, out on that pitcher's diamond is where you belong! Now get out there and let's win that championship!"

Cue Cheering Masses

...I should also mention that #1 has cross-over potential.

Angels vs. Vampires in the Outfield, anyone?

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Comments

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very funny...you deserve a corner office in hollywood...
As long as they don't play for the Padres.

But they may explain the Cubs curse.
Blacksploitation Vamps? Haven't you ever seen Blackula? lol

Yes, adding vamps to things makes them more gooder. ;)
I do approve of the Michael Bay vampires. And as the commentator above noticed, we will always have the great William Marshall as Prince Mamuwalde.
Actually there was probably the most definitive blackploitation vampire move made already; Blackula (Dracula's Soul Brother) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26jvG4THLIE
Noir vampire...I think there is a detective series (novel form) with vampires...This is pretty funny. And that Buffy episode was awesome!
How about a Woody Allen vampire movie?

"Would JEW like to suck my blood?! I'm positive she said, 'Would JEW...'"