Good Sunday morning Kathy! I've found that volunteering for something in your community is an excellent way to meet others who are like minded. There are friends just needing to bloom with your sunshine!

If you don't mind, I'm going to lurk. I need some of this advice, too.

In need of friends. I'll lurk, too, if Phyllis doesn't mind.


-R-

The only thing that has worked for me_

(1) If you have some music skills, join an adult group, amateur orchestra or wind ensemble.

Get some small ensemble scores and invite people over to mess around (with the music) and see what happens. I form good bonds this way, and I have not found another way.

People seem to need some kind of pretense to relate to other people. For me, music provides that pretense.

When I moved into a new neighborhood 6 years ago (all new homes, so no established cliques) my, now friend, to the north rang my doorbell on a late Saturday morning. She and her husband move quite a bit, and she makes a point of introducing herself and being friendly. Little things like sharing a bunch of berries bought at the farmer's market, nothing intrusive. Thanks to her, another woman on the street joined in. I was having a small get together, and this other neighbor called and said she heard from neighbor #1 about the little party, and could she please come. I loved that. We began to grow the group. And I agree with Buff W, I volunteered for a woman running for State Attorney, and because it was "local" met a bunch a wonderful people and enjoyed it very much.
r./

Join a runner's group or a swim club?

In my area the Country & Western dance halls offer free classes before the band starts or mid-week. Dancing is very interactive and there are always lots of single women. Men can't teach the women's steps so as they help each other practice new steps after class there's lots of conversation. Everyone makes so many mistakes it's kind of a laugh fest which puts everyone in a good mood. I noticed that those who came as couples made friends with other couples and often went to dinner before class or went to dances sponsored by dance clubs.

I took similar classes when I divorced 20 years ago, it was happy distraction and I made new girlfriends. When I returned to Idaho 10 years ago I took classes again and made many new friends. We'd chat after class and finding common interests we'd make plans to do other things. I'm not a fan of CW music but I like dancing so it was fun. If there's something you want to learn then maybe taking a class where people interact a lot might be good. You have to keep going back and as we see our human sides, our natural barriers come down.

Personally I like beginner classes in anything. I've been dancing for 20 years and to me, people are the most open and fun when they're trying to figure out what the heck they're doing. I'll be curious to see what you try and what works.

The toughest part is choosing your friends; that, is a matter of taste. Keeping friends responds well to the golden rule: Do unto others. R

I've been thinking that too, in that I am the "cruise director" of my circle of friends. Which means, I am responsible for creating 95% of the get togethers, plans, coordination, etc, or it just never happens. Three of my friends are moms with young kids, now, and that changes everything. It's definitely not much of a two way street. My sweetie and I have tried going to various meetups of common interest, Meetup.org is a good place to start, but the selection of events, plus timing with work and caring for his kids makes most of it impossible. If I want to do something new, I will have to carve out time, and go alone. Finding something that interests you will lead you to find others who like that.
I do miss my younger days, when my life was full of all kinds of different people, different interests, activities, hobbies, adventures- it's just not the same anymore. I find it harder and harder to connect with people who share the same interests, and harder and harder to find common interest with people I just think are groovy. Of course, I have actively rid myself of the people who are energy vampires- those who only live to talk on and on about their problems and seek constant reassurance and a shoulder to cry on. Once I stopped offering that space, my social life dried up a bit. And I can't go back to that. I am in that space too much on a daily basis with my patients, I need my social time to be less about problems and more about creative and nurturing (to me) endeavors. I think this is why old people so often prefer to live alone, because they have outgrown the capacity to put up with other people's crap. Still, when I think of connecting and communing, quaker meeting speaks to me. I am not sure I'd feel the same in buddhist groups, which is part of why I haven't joined any. For my sweetie, he joined a hacker space group, but only goes here and there. The drive is shorter since they moved, but still a long way to go, and ultimately makes it harder to get there when tucked around life schedules.
I think the person I want to be friends with most is a younger, more adventurous version of myself, who can take me to coffee shops and regale me with the stories of things I used to do, and then play some backgammon.

Buffy, that seems logical. Energetic people who want to do something positive in their community!
Phyllis, and Mark, I'll lurk too if neither of you mind.

Steve, I find your comment most interesting and thought-provoking.

onisland time, this seems like a great strategy to me!

L'heure blue, it is interesting that I have had the most luck meeting like-minded people doing something I enjoy. It is good to hear you confirm this. I feel like I am on the right track.

Thoth, good point. There are so many many people. How to select friends. What qualities do you look for?

Oryoki, I love your thoughtful post!
I have been busy with my own interests. I have to remind myself to make time for my friends. I am fairly new to the area, and every time you move, you have to start from scratch.
I want to be selective, but one can not always be around the "perfect" companion. (Not that I am perfect!)

i love all the ideas mentioned. i think the best way to make friends is to fill your own life with....stuff. .. activities.

i felt a need to reduce my carbon footprint & have more outdoor time, so i bought a scooter and began riding for those reasons. Lo & behold people started talking to me in parking lots, at stoplights... it was like purchasing a conversation starter. i also joined a local scooter group and made even more friends.

As with so many things, i think friends are not a goal, but a side benefit of other goals such as volunteering, scooters etc.

To be a friend...

To be a friend...

To be a friend...

When I went back to school at night there were many men and woman there and we had study groups and interacted around the course material. I was married but I told my single friends how many nice men were in night school. Perhaps an interesting night class? Good luck to you, I would like to meet some woman friends with similar interest here also.

Mark and Kathy, there's plenty of space behind this post that I'm peeking around.

I don't know. I think you have to, as Joseph Campbell said so well, follow your bliss. Others have the same feeling. As long as your bliss doesn't involve being alone in a padded closet.

Kathy, I think the best way is to extend yourself to others as much as you can.....including going out of your way for others. Also, I find that by sharing yourself, which includes your thoughts and feelings, helps to connect yourself to others. Last, but not least, get involved in activities that interest or excite you and you'll end up meeting people who have common interests with you!

I met a lot of new friends by volunteering and via interest groups. Any interest you have will almost certainly have some sort of group. Recently, I joined up with a hiking/trail maintenance group via meet-up. While I quickly realized the activity wasn't really for me (I'm a treadmill kinda girl -- air conditioning!), I was immediately struck by how welcoming and friendly everyone was, and I'm sure there were plenty of newcomers who merged beautifully.

My only caution would be to join slowly. Don't dive right in and be too eager. Give yourself time to get to know everyone, for natural affinities to develop and to get to know the dynamics and politics of the group you're infiltrating. I've made some mistakes in the past by throwing myself in too deeply (to a cause, to friendships) and having to extricate myself when first impressions wear off.

Thanks to everyone for your comments will reply more. I also plan to study some other sources and compile something else, since some have expressed interest.

thank you lorian and Patrick

Rita, I did take a writing class for a long time and met great people.

Patricia, I think that your advice is excellent.

Bell weather, thanks for the detailed and throughtful response.

That is a question that many of us ask. My own method has been to get involved in organizations that I suspect will have members with similar interests to mine. That is only partially successful. Many people just seem to prefer their solitude or theri existing group of friends.
It doesn't help to have interests that are not "mainstream". It decreases the possibilities. :(
Good luck. Maybe someone here has the magic answer.