You know how there are people out there who would be great parents but they opt to be childless; and then there are the disastrous baby factories that can't seem to keep their legs together? Well, for most of my life, I was the former. Then, about a year and a half ago, we started trying to get pregnant. Apparently the years I spent poo-pooing the "biological clock" were for naught because suddenly we both wanted a baby somethin' fierce. The maddening thing is that I knew damn well that it wasn't going to happen without outside help since I made it through the last 17 years baby-free and sex-full. But you have to try for a year before they'll send you to a clinic. I spent about 3 months taking my temperature every morning and, had I done a line graph it would have looked like a lie detector result. Completely useless. Then, I bought a fertility monitor and peed on a stick every day for about 6 months. Yeah, that was pretty useless too since I didn't actually even have my first drug-less period until I was 35. Those little fertility monitors aren't meant for someone whose cycle could be 300 days long! Then, we tried having sex every day for a month. It was the longest month of either of our lives!!! I like doin' it as much as the next person but that was just ridiculous. There would be that moment at night when we made eye contact that silently said "yeah, I don't feel like it either but we made a pact"
Finally, this last June, my ob/gyn took a whopping 10 seconds out of her record 4-minute exam to refer me to a clinic. I was afraid of what we would go through since I had already been witness to my OB's slavery to the Insurance Master. But, I have entered the nirvana of medical care. This place is fantastic! (if any of you un-mommies out there in NYC want a recommendation, let me know) They have the patient in mind at all times and they always make sure you know what is going on and how much it will cost and what your insurance covers. I just can't say enough good things about the place.
In keeping with my natural cynicism though, there are a few complaints.
Firstly, my doctor is hot. I don't need Barry White playing in my head as some hot dude pokes around down there. I have to be in baby-making form, and not worrying if the um, hedges are neat.
Secondly, there is the ultrasound gel. It's not Death Valley, there is already enough natural moisture down there to negate using a full 1/4 cup of the stuff! I've come up with a new job for Obama's economic stimulus plan. "Reverse Fluffer" It's a simple job really. And since technology has led to less of a need for fluffers, it would be a great job transition. All they'd need to do is come in and wipe up all that nasty gel before you get up. Because as it stands now, by the time you stand up from the not-at-all-humiliating stirrups position, you've got that shit EVERYWHERE. There's nothing like walking down the street 15 minutes later and realizing you've got a glob of it still in your ass crack.
Thirdly, this one comes from my husband. Apparently the room where guys go to provide a sample is a bit sparse. It was apparently like a bathroom with no toilet. There was no porn at all and no lubricant. So, he was glad he had loaded some porn onto the iPhone the night before but was concerned that saliva would somehow manage to contaminate the specimen. I figure there's no porn because it might offend some people but I also think it would seriously limit the performance-anxiety time spent in the room. I can't really offer much on the lubricant issue. Perhaps they could use the spare stuff from the ultrasound rooms.
But I digress. On to the process.
The very first day, they had me in the room for an ultrasound to determine what my doctor already suspected from talking to him. I have PCOS. Basically, immature follicles are interrupted in their growth cycle and become little cysts on the ovaries. After reading about it, I'm extremely grateful that I'm not experiencing the obesity and hair loss that many women do. Just amenorrhea and a little extra tweezing necessary.
That seemed like a pretty likely cause for the infertility but my husband still had to go in to get his swimmers tested. He was pretty unbearable for a few weeks after he got the "all good" diagnosis. His answer to everything was "I'm fertile".
Then, I had a blood test and they determined that I needed a Rubella vaccination. On a fun side note, it seems those of us who are children of the 70's and had Rubella shots actually got a bad batch. They started discovering it years back when a bunch of people started going back to school (and had to get tested) and discovered that the vaccine had worn off. So, I had to go in and get that shot. More waiting for results for an already impatient person.
After that, they were able to start me on Clomid. First I had to take Provera to kick-start my period and then the Clomid. I was expecting the crazy mood swings people talk about but got none of it. In fact, I felt better than ever! However, after a few more ultrasounds they determined that my eggs were not big enough.
So, I had to start all over again. I did the whole Provera thing and then Clomid. First check after the Clomid showed that stuff wasn't ready yet. So, then I went in last Tuesday. There was just one egg but it was nice and big and the uterine lining was "fluffy". They told me to start checking with the "pee-on-a-stick" ovulation predictors. First one said I was ovulating!! I had to check again because I'd never gotten that result before. That meant sex for the next 3 days while my brother-in-law was visiting. The most interesting night was New Year's Eve when we had to kick him out of the house and back out to the bar so we could get to doin' it! Poor guy got hit on by a girl half his height in the interest of getting a niece or nephew.
We are now waiting an excruciating 14 days before I can go back in for a blood test to see if it worked. I really hope it did because after this, I graduate to giving myself shots and I after that it gets even more complicated. I know that if this does work, I'll consider myself lucky because I know there are tons of other women out there who have to go through much more.
But once it finally works, I have Lyme Disease issues to contend with so I know I'm in for a few more years of adventure at least. And advice from every stranger I run into.
Alright, now who is first in line for babysitting duty?