it's always something. i've always got some big idea brewing in my alcohol-laden mind. my current one is to get the kids to the dentist, and return to school. maybe i'm longing for the care-free lifestyle i had in college, about 30 years ago. maybe it's because i can't excuse myself to take a piss without having someone knocking on the door, asking where something is, telling me they are going to piss themselves if i don't hurry, or just screaming baby nonsense, wanting me to make an appearance. maybe i'm tired of eating pizza rolls, ones left over from a drooling child's mouth (or worse!). maybe i'm just tired of staying home all day, watching the investigation discovery channel, hoping one day i can find a drifter to kill and dismember. hey, i've been stuck at home with kids for way too long. you think the strangest things when you're left with children. not that i'd kill and dismember a child, don't get me wrong here. but, i do sometimes think about it. i won't lie. i've gone so far as to contemplate the killing of a friend and all-around transient. it'd take months for anyone to notice him gone, and i stronglly feel not much would be lost. but, he is a friend and occassional baby sitter so i'll let him live.
i've gone to college. for an embarassing amount of years. and i've successfully managed to avoid repayment of student loans for an outrageous amount of years. not working helps evade financial obligations. sure, they call. but i'm smarter than them, i do have caller id. i'm reaching a point in my life where i feel restless, and pretty much useless. sure, i raise kids and get drunk every day, but i have ambitions. since i didn't marry rich (god damnit!), i feel i should occupy my time with something intellectually stimulating. i'll be the first to admit i may have spelled 'intellectually' totaly wrong. fuck it. harris ford is in my living room and i've had a few drinks. but, i feel a need to do 'something' with my life. this 'counting the hours until i can take sleeping pills and jsut be done with the day' is getting old. and i'm ready to make changes. well, tomorrow of course, i'm already half drunk.
i don't know if this 'getting by' shit is the root of my ambitions. it could be boredom. and i might jsut want to get the fuck away from my kids for awhile. whatever the reason, i feel a sense of ambition i haven't felt in a while. maybe i'm tired of 'star wars' references (because harris ford is on tv and my husband is a star wars nerd, one who can't help to interrupt my typing to let me know about some bad ass thing hans solo did.). maybe i'm tired of watching PBS Sprout. and maybe i'm tired of just wasting time until i die. i'm tired of wishing for bedtime and dreading 7 am. and i need to do something with my life. i know, i know. some women would be offended by my claims to simply 'do something' with my life, arguing being a good mother is the absolute best thing i can do with my life. WRONG! sure, i'm a very proficient mother. they don't need to ask for food or drinks. i anticipate their every need and get it before they have to bug me. but, i've never really felt, how you say, warm. i'll make chocolate milk before giving hugs. ok, i'm a bitch. at least i admit it. maybe my lack of bonding with my mother caused it. maybe my general annoyance with dirty hands and human snot is a big reason. whatever the reason, i want an out. at least for a few hours a day.
so, i'll occupy myself with returning to school, for now. i've often called myself 'the girl who never finishes anything' so maybe i'll prove myself right and fail out of school because it interferes with my favorite tv programs. but, at least for now i'm trying.