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Kage Alan

Kage Alan
Location
Detroit, Michigan, US
Birthday
June 19
Bio
Kage Alan is the Detroit-based author of comedic novels A Funny Thing Happened on the Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins and Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell. Additional info can be found at KageAlan.com

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Salon.com
MAY 26, 2012 5:00AM

Classic Blog Post: Into The Lair of the Grandmonster (Day 1)

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Original Publication Date: 1/26/09
Commence Recording

Kage’s Vacation Log Date 1/24/09

After a long week playing host to the former Honorable United Hong Kong Ambassador of Goodwill & International Relations (aka my mother-in-law), I admit to looking forward to my upcoming travels and the peace and quiet. Mostly the quiet. The former ambassador is used to having to communicate a great deal of information in a very short period of time. This includes accessing a given situation, analyzing potential outcomes, determining variables and arriving at a conclusion amenable to all parties. Her communication since she retired simply consists of speaking. Lots and lots of speaking. Oh, God…the speaking!

And dare I, as the listener, attempt to pipe in, I’m greeted with… It’s much easier if I share a transcript of a conversation from the other day:

Mother-in-Law: I’m not taking any long-sleeve shirts with me. Why should I carry all of those around? Too much to pack and I won’t wear them. No sense. I won’t need warm clothes there. It would be silly to take something I won’t wear and it’ll be too hot to wear them anyway. (Many similar and redundant sentences of dialogue followed this tirade and all without her taking a breath.) Are you taking a jacket?

Moi: Yes.
Mother-in-Law: Why?
Moi: Because it’s going to be cold.
Mother-in-Law: When?
Moi: In the evenings.
Mother-in-Law: How you know?
Moi: I looked at the weather report.
Mother-in-Law: How you know they don’t lie?
Moi: Why would weather.com lie?
Mother-in-Law: You don’t know.
Moi: I’m going to trust that they have a vague notion of what they’re talking about.
Mother-in-Law: Oh, yeah? You will have all those clothes to carry around you won’t need.
Moi: I’ll chance it.
Mother-in-Law: So you think I should take a jacket?
Moi: Yes.
Mother-in-Law: Why?

Destination: Hong Kong 2009 (yup, I took the pic)

And henceforth it started all over again. I asked my Pookie if he arranged to have his mother and I sit next to each other on the flight from Japan to Hong Kong since were on separate flights to Tokyo. He appeared momentarily distressed, then expressed regret that he hadn’t yet and would make a call. I appeared momentarily distressed, then expressed regret at his decision and told him that I would beat him senseless if he did.

Now, I had two things I wanted to accomplish this weekend before leaving for the mysterious orient, land of 1000 places to shop without guilt or ever hoping for a receipt. First, I wanted to catch the second new episode of Battlestar Galactica on Friday. Mission accomplished. Second, I wanted to see Prayers For Bobby when it aired on Lifetime Television for women and gay men. So, after checking into the hotel, we went back upstairs where I proceeded to relax watching the program…when I could hear it.

Yes, Mother-in-Law was feeling particularly conversational during the first half hour, so I used my recently acquired and now fully operational prop phaser from Star Trek (the film series). It only slowed her down, so I empted it until she was peacefully asleep and only muttering the occasional incomprehensible comment. The phaser is now on fast-recharge and I am settling down for some sleep before the alarm gets me up for my rather early flight.

Recording Ceased

________________________

Kage Alan is  the Horrible Bosses watching, Enigma listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” In the attempt to find a decent post for today, he had to go through a Christmas and New Years post from 2008 that he went ahead and loaded for December of this year. In case anything ever happens to him between now and then you’re guaranteed two more posts! Good for you. Not so great for me.

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