Original Publication Date: 10/05/08
This is my favorite time of year to get some writing done and, also, you guessed it, watch horror movies! This time, though, I thought I’d shake things up a little, jiggle it all to the right instead of the left, aim for the middle instead of the sides or backsplash…you get the idea…and… Where the hell was I? Right, I was playing with it. I mean, well, I’m taking it up…um…to a new level. Oh, let me explain.
Halloween is just around the corner and I thought I’d share some Halloween film suggestions for that night…if you’re toasted! Yes, there’s a catch because there’s nothing more fun after finishing up a festive evening of trick or treating (or just generally tricking if you’re some of my friends), kicking back in a chair because your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend has gone to bed without you (a regular occurrence if you’re my brother-in-law), tipping back a glass of wine…or beer…or whatever you grabbed that has alcohol content in it and looking for something to pop in the DVD player since it’s likely the only thing in your home to experience any popping the rest of the evening.
Are you ready? Here we go!
The First Four of Kage’s Horrific Picks:
1 Dracula 3000
It’s not a sequel to “Dracula 2000″ or a prequel to “3000 Miles To Graceland”, but it does make “10,000 BC” look like a modern day “2001″. If you’re not sure what that meant, think of Casper Van Dien in a good movie and then hold that thought because one good movie is about all he’s ever done. Whichever one you chose, I can guarantee you that “Dracula 3000″ is not that movie. Think Dracula in space. Think a motley crew finding Dracula on a deserted spaceship. Think Coolio running around with a pair of fangs spouting profanity while Dracula screams like a little beyotch when he gets hurt. Think so low budget that they didn’t even have enough money to end it properly. It just…ends. However, your buzz continues.
2 Amityville 3-D
A movie perfect for homemade nachos and gastrointestinal flatulence! Forget the typically crappy Full Screen version they released in the states. There’s a British DVD that’s actually in 3-D!!! You’ll be so intent on watching tree branches and flies reaching for your cornea that it’ll never occur to you just how horrific the chemistry is between what’s-his-name and what’s-her-face (Tony Roberts and Candy Clark) as they unravel some sort of nonsense about cold breezes, malfunctioning elevators and why Meg Ryan accepted a role that Nora Ephron didn’t write for her. And there’s a commentary!!!
3 Mangler 2
Another DTV DVD release! It’s C-R-A-P. We may be treated to an underwhelming sequel that has nothing to do with the not-as-underwhelming original, but we are given Lance Henrickson in a supporting role. A computer virus takes control of a school and start killing off some of the students in uninteresting ways. No sex. No boobs. And the only peckers are the ones who bought the DVD. One would be me. Oh, and Artisan screwed up the transfer and deleted a couple minutes of footage, which really adds to the natural confusion of watching this semi-tanked. Much better after a few shots of Jagermeister. Just ask my honorable adopted little brother who refuses to come visit his big brother and go Christmas shopping with him.
4 Voodoo Academy
Charles Band had no idea what he was in for when he gave David DeCoteau the go-ahead for this little film that’s a generic substitute for Viagra. Imagine…a sorceress or witch or Alaska governor running for Vice-President…or some other sneaky individual with bad intentions who needs to sacrifice the young men at a Bible school for her own nefarious needs. Well, instead of women being exploited, the buff male students chafe themselves senseless while sleeping and touching themselves in a Voodoo-induced slumber. And that leads to…I mean things escalate when… Oh, who cares. Cute guys touch themselves. Just remember to watch the DVD version, which contains 23 minutes of additional self-pleasuring.
And speaking of self-pleasuring, I’ll be posting additional reviews during the month, so please check back in.
Until then, pretend I signed off saying something witty.
PS Anybody have any favorite bad flicks of your own?
Kage Alan is Vision Quest watching, Vangelis listening author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation,” “Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins” and the first book in a separate series, “Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell.” He’s looking forward to being in Atlanta next weekend at OutlantaCon where he’ll be sharing a few Pepsis with T.C. Blue and causing all sorts of mischief. Ah, Atlanta…